Loving you so much my body aches
You look at me as just another mistake
Someone you kept around to forget your heartbreak
I could say this hurt made me stronger
But I know I’d let you break me again
If it meant you’d love me longer

They’re talking about me
They hate me
If I was gone
They’d easily replace me
The voices in my head
Want me to feel nothing but dread
I know it is untrue
Yet I believe it too

They say to have a relationship
You must know what you need
I need respect
I need forgiveness
I need encouragement
I have figured out what I need
I will give it to myself

Is it selfish of me to miss you
After all the pushing away I put you through
It is
To love a person well
Is to love the boundary between you

Today you called
You told me
You were just checking in
Because you hadn’t heard from me
And I know that means you’re sorry
And you love me
And I tell you
I’m good
I ask how things have been
And you know that means
I forgive you again
Because I love you too

Sometimes I throw myself into a human
Knowing it isn’t love simply to distract from the loneliness
But then I remember you
And I remember the true loneliness
Is living in a home with someone whom you no longer love
And how foolish I would be
To repeat that cycle again

I used to pretend I was a princess
But now I have grown
Now I pretend that I am comfortable
Waking up in this mans home
I pretend when he holds me
And we share satisfaction
That I am here for love
And not a distraction
He walks me to the door
In the dress and heels I was in the night before
I pretend I’m okay with a casual affair
And I ignore my heart feeling impaired

I haven’t been here
I have been searching
Ways to keep my heart from hurting
I drink
I’m sober
I binge
I purge
I give away every inch of my love
Until I no longer have the urge
I have been wondering
Will I ever truly be content
Or will my feelings forever be on the fence

My heart is always being molded
It has been cherished
It has been scolded
My heart has acquired
Countless breaks over time
There are more things to be lost
And there are more things for me to find
But the one thing that will never change
Is this heart will always be mine

My dreams of us were rich
But the reality of us was poor
I just can’t stop you
From walking out my door
I was falling
While you were growing bored
I’m left alone wishing
That I could’ve meant more

I thought the stars had aligned
I thought he was meant to be mine
I opened myself to him
Heart in hand
Offered him the best version
Of who I am
He was my only lover
But to him
I was only another

They say I’m a healer
But is that true
Because despite years of love
I never healed you
Do they mean, instead, I search out men that need healing?
Do I chase this pain because I yearn for feeling?
Maybe I am not a healer
Maybe I am just naive
To think I can change lives
And to think this is more important than my own needs

I search for the love
I search for the healing
I hurt myself trying to regain feeling
Was I born this way
With the illness and the voices
Or did I ruin myself
With my own thoughtless choices

I want you to love me
Because your blood runs in my veins
And I’ve offered you my love
But you’ve only given me pain
So finally I hurt you
In return for hurting me
Yet I am left with guilt
I don’t feel better, nor do I feel free
Now I am left only with one question
Have you ever felt guilt
For hurting me

One day you’re there
And the next you’re not
But it wouldn’t be honest to say
You’ve broken my heart
I wanted you here to heal
What was already broken
To listen to my thoughts I have left unspoken
I wanted you to be my hero
And I was disappointed when you couldn’t be
But this was so much to ask of you
So I suppose the selfish one is
Me

The happiness is short lived
So short lived
I begin to doubt the love
Coming from the universe that made me

I’m left wondering
Why I accepted the abuse for so long
I ask myself if I deserved it
Even though I know you were wrong
And although I am proud of myself
For walking out of your door
I regret the choices I’ve made
And I will never be who I was before

My heart aches
And I look for reasoning
In the stars
And in the sky
Yet I haven’t gotten an answer to my only question
“Why?”

They say sadness
Is not forever
But happiness
Is forever fleeing
I am left
Searching for feeling
Falling through the air
Trying to hold onto something
That was never truly there

My heart is hurt
You’ve left me alone
Just further proof
You cannot make a person
A home

I want my love for myself
To overflow
And I want my overflow of love
To seep over onto you
But for now
My cup is empty
And maybe you can sense
That I have nothing to offer you