It was 11:45 P.M. exactly
There was no more time
For any outrageous foolery.

You had to bring her home
By 12:00 no later and already
You had fifteen minutes to spare.

You stopped the car and sat
For a minute to listen
To her steady breathing.

She waits for you to say something
But you only look ahead
And listen to her breathing.

"Are you alright?" She asks you
And you reply with a smile
But to answer––it takes a while.

Maybe you don't want to admit it
But you're not alright.
Not alright with anything at all.

Not alright with the fact she's
Still with you right here
Right at this spot at this time.

Or maybe not with the fact
That her parents actually like you
And that her brother trusts you.

Does it scare you? Of course.
Do you want to believe it's real?
Of course. No gold ever mounted up.

But something still terrifies you,
Chills you to the cores of your bones
And makes your innards quiver.

Especially your heart.

But that's besides the point.
You had an imaginary woman
Stuck inside your head for years.

You're ashamed to say
You wouldn't let her out
Even though it's been so long.

She's banging at your forehead
Right now as you listen
To the other woman's breathing.

She wants out.
But you won't let her out.
She will stay with you.

No––she won't. Want to know why?
Because there's a better woman
Sitting right next to you.

She's beautiful, you know that's a fact.
She's sassy, you know that's a fact.
And you definitely know she's sweet.

So why is this other woman
The one stuck in your head
Still banging away? Trying to escape?

You know it's because you're scared.
The woman next to you? She's real.
You can touch her––she's real.

You're scared of real, aren't you?
You're scared that since she's real
She'll drag along heartbreak.

You're scared because you depend
On the woman inside your head
Far too much to be healthy.

She's fake. She won't ever hug you
Or kiss you or cuddle you or love you
She won't cry or laugh with you.

Why doesn't the imaginary scare you?
Is it because she can't ever leave you?
Is it because she's perfect?

No––obviously not.
You're not perfect,
So she's definitely not perfect.

So again, you ask yourself,
Why doesn't the imaginary scare you?
And why doesn't the real satisfy you?

It's bizarre, yes. You know that.
But seeing the woman next to you
Smile and touch your cheek,

It's terrifying.

Maybe you should leave
Maybe you should go
Hole yourself up in your room
And spend hours with the
Woman inside your head.
Maybe you should run
Before she can catch you,

Maybe––

"I love you." She suddenly says.
And you blink.
What did she say? I love you? To you?

"Why?" You ask with a cracked voice.
You don't deserve this.
You've been thinking about another woman.

"There are many things,
But I want you to know I do.
I really really love you."

She loves you?
Truly?

"Yes." She starts laughing because
Apparently you thought out loud.
You break into a smile at the sound.

She grabs your face and pulls you close.
"I love you. I love you. I love you."
And you start crying.

Because you can hear
The genuity in her voice
Clear as a sunny day.

And also,
It's now 12:01 A.M.

whenever i feel content
with it just being me
and God in the same room,
i know i have succeeded.

a toast!
to the brave cowards;
for they know true courage in a lion's den, lined with clouds.

a toast!
to the nonstop criers;
for they know true sorrow and the effort it takes to grieve.

a toast!
to the ones who fear the world;
for they know it isn't unfounded, but still try to walk with the waves.

a toast!
to the desolate landscaped;
for they know they'll grow flowers again in their bare deserts.

a toast!
to all of us,
because we've seen another day.

YOU are so tasteful.

so majestically bitter and slick like thick honey. ferocious peach preserves with ghost pepper infused inside. your tears salt the ocean. your verbal ***** coat a lilac scent on my tongue.

YOU are so delightfully enigmatic.

you write your letters with your own ****** ink with a scandalous smile, agonizing and anticipating the ****** of a sentence you don't dare finish. i stare with a trembling gaze at your fingertips dipped in crimson hue. your lazy eyes stagger my weight onto my right side—the weaker one.

YOU are as enlightened as a nova.

"it's a crabapple world out there," you said to me one night. doves flew in and out of your heavy-lidded eyes with hemlock threaded in their feathers. you call yourself golden wheat because you are beautiful and rare, but easily reaped when harvest season comes. when they come with scythes and pitchforks.

"revenge," you said, "for my mischievous antics."

YOU are so arcane.

there are no secrets in between the hairs on your head, a dense forest with predatorial dangers underneath. my own hairs sought those secrets as hands crept up your neck and into the golden wheat field on your head. i ache for your tell-tales. my wounds fester with the hunger to be satisfied by your apprise.

YOU are mine and wild.

for no particular reason, the atmosphere stretches thin. two heartbeats irrythmic and syncopated with the lapping of a tiger's tongue in tainted jungle water.

my hands aflame with your gasoline blood hold tight to your maverick ways. unorthodox and unkempt you are. fallible and illogical. cathartic and despotic. as much as you are all this, i ask to love it all.

being ashamed
of something beautiful
is poetically
disgraceful.

as wild as this ocean beneath my feet
as wild as these waves that calm me
as wild as this flower near the road
as wild as these hands that only hold
as wild as the sky way up above
as wild as these mourning doves
as wild as the wind from out the sea
as wild as the whispers calling me
as wild as this cherry blossom blooms
as wild as this duskblue moon
as wild as the wild spring in May
as wild as the heat from summer days
as wild as a frost during winter nights
as wild as these mountainous heights
as wild as the love in this heartbeat
everyone,
let us be.

there's a seat waiting for you
at my dinner table.
there will be a feast.
my soul will be the main course
and my heart will be dessert.

i hope you come.
even though you'll be
the death of me.

let out the air you've been
holding in all your life.
you're free now.
you live in the clouds
with the sky as your lungs
and the sun as your oxygen
soak in the world's worth
and drop into the depths
of your endless blue soul
like a stone in the ocean
swim with the birds
fly with the fish
and breathe.
breathe.
you're alive.
so breathe

child-like i wanted to stay
as childish beliefs blow away
and my empty shell cracks
as the world of darkness
invades the light in my eyes
child, i wish i knew everything
yet nothing at the same time
i want to heal the world
of its bruises and scrapes
but i’m scared i will bleed
the shield will protect the wielder
but who will protect the shield?

claim my starry soul
until it fades away.
wear my heart in strings
until i snap and break.
fly away with wings i gave
fly into the cliffside
and into the cliffside cave.
break apart my geodes
i hold beauty inside,
fill me with your all
and i'll give you
my most contented
sigh.

dear attention,

I have a few words to say to you.
You caused me to grovel before the feet of others
and forced me on my knees in surrender to my fear.
You changed my heart into a fickle one,
I left you once and I came straight back.
I'm furious that I lost myself entirely to you
because no piece of me is my own anymore.
God opened a door and I shut it,
only thinking I wanted you and you alone.
I wanted you so badly, but I never received you.
Because I couldn't obtain you, I desired you.
I put you before myself, before everyone else.
I forgot that I do not need you to tell me what I'm worth,
I am stronger than this, I told myself.
I didn't need you.
But whenever I look at you, and see what I don't have,
my heart fills with jealousy all the more.

I wish I could leave you completely,
but I'm thankful God opened the door again after I closed it.

dear serendipity,

i met you under a lilac sky
with herons flying by
just watching cherry clouds blossom
into the horizon beyond
i remember asking you,
'why do i get to keep you?
why are you here with me?'
and you, with blue eyes,
the color of oceans deep
with a hint of green
and joy unbounded
with sorrow wounded
the eyes of stars above
capture your ability to love,
you replied in a voice mellow
the color of sunset yellow,
you said, 'i am your serendipity,
and that's all it'll ever be.'

i still love you
and you're still my serendipity

love,
me

so dry
am i
i lie
in sand
i wait
for water
that will
never
come by

so dry
i cry
but my
tears
wash
away
into
nothing

so dry
i want
to die
so i
say
good
bye

You outshine the darkest night,
your robe the pale moon.
A beauty unimaginable,
a crown of roses bloom.

The tender touch of moonlight,
is the love the sea adores.
A glittering fragrance of starry flowers,
I know they are only yours.

These words were composed,
like music of the richest colors.
For you alone and only you,
would I love like a mother.

I am not a stormy ocean,
yet feelings unravel as so.
Your untouched heart reverses,
and I hear their tales of woe.

Innocence like the wind,
it blows so swiftly away.
The genuine smile so eager to love,
is now clouded today.

FALLING into darkness
SPLASHING in your pools
of murky depths and nightmares
where your ghosts roam free
and feed on your flesh.


LOVING the configuration
ADORING the form you've taken
in a twisted, perverted way;
your eyes called me their own
just to rob me of my dilation.


DESPISING the height I had to fall
HATING the way my skin curled in
when I hit the pools inside of you;
soft and malformed in the north
deceiving astronomy in the south.


WALKING in your atomical views
RUNNING with your wolves
was pleasurable to my psyche
but just a sheep in wolf's clothing
you shed your lies in the darkness.


HERDING the doves in my soul
SHAPING my head to fit in yours;
I am not of the essence of clay,
I can not force my spine to bend
over and backwards, under and forwards.


SO just let me swim in your smoke
—you're cyanide dreams
too poisonous to love
right now.

with every step you took
it was a little farther away
each time you took a step
it was far away from me

i was born in fire.
i can not deny the heat in my veins.
but i am not ashamed
that every morning
i swallow the sun
so that the moon
can keep pulling
back the tide
and i let the fog
cover the sunrise
i drench myself in night
because i am left
not right.
cold water comforts my soul
the depth keeps me afloat
there is something beautiful
about a black-colored sea
but as fireborn as i am
there is no ounce of love
for the fire in me.

my choking words suffocated me
a hangman's rope around my neck.
their eyes were sunlit fires, staring at me
judgement and damnation aflame.
I cursed them, I cursed myself,
but again my words suffocated me.
I cried silent on the bathroom floor
in a heap of broken dignity.

I used to cut out my tongue
so I couldn't tell anyone my secrets
and I cut off my ears so that
I couldn't hear myself scream it.
I would lay on the floor, ignoring
ignoring the blood that poured
from my eyes–my mouth
from my ears and my heart.

I thought myself a single crack
a single crack in a castle made of glass
a mistake in perfection made
a stormy day, a moment ignored.
I groaned at my reflection
and an empty soul stared back.
I rained a world's worth of water
no sunshine came and no flowers bloomed.

but you saw me and embraced me
you danced in my rain and I saw
how beautiful you danced in me.
you learned sign language for me
and taught me how to speak again
and washed away my blood.
you made my ugliness beautiful
and I found I loved my beautiful.

i admire your courage
even your courage to say goodbye.

three years counting
you and i in love
two were gentle
oh those blissful days
but the third
oh, the third year
was harsh on our skin,
dripping saturated oil
of broken hearts
and tugged-along strings
it hurt to wipe it off,
but once you gave me a towel
i knew i had to go

you know,
i should probably give you up now.
it's just a game of rings and roses;
i fall deeper into your ocean eyes
and i don't know when i'll hit the pavement.
blue is my favorite color,
but only when it's on you.
love is my favorite feeling,
but only if it's you.
the seaside is my favorite place,
but only if i'm with you.

and maybe i should give you up.
because i'm dragging us both down.

sunbitten fingerprints all over my hands.
my body is my transport and everything in between.
i am a passenger in lethargy
fallen away sleeplessly
staples in my bedsheets my skin its paper
sunken in teeth
heavy rapid quick quickening shaky breathing
shamed to be burdened and carried
but all the same burned by the sun
by the son
aimlessly to wander where i first began
handheld and handmade but i am just an automaton
writhing in my own flesh.
give me a piano and i can return it new
but God, tell me i'm not alone in this.
all of this is so lonely.

pointed toes
rounded hands
is their definition

but broken bones
and tears sacrificed
for someone else
is mine

my hands
                
                             they hurt

                                              my burdens

                                                        ­          are too much

                                                           ­                               my hands
                                                           ­         
                                                                ­        have had

                                                      enough­

                           they can carry

            no longer

i tied my heartstrings to your neck
and dragged you everywhere i went.
any step away from me you'd take,
you would end up dead.

my tears
watered
the roots
of my love
for you.
so please
don't let me
waste away.
harvest me
when i'm
ready.

her guilty greys spoke millenia
of catastrophy and destruction. her shattered soul and tattered mind
granted shifty eyes and unsteady feet
to her lean physique.

nothing smiled quite like her in the courtroom. if ants could taste the sickly sweet scents dripping down her lips, they'd infest her entire body.

a tear on her marbled cheek ran away from her lazy eyelids like grass runs from the wind. the tear would not bow to her unending sorrow, but it was aware that it would not be missed if it disappeared.

her guilty greys were on fire in the courtroom. a wild forest fire. she was her very own arsonist. oh she basked in the burns it blessed her with. the jurors didn't know of the flames they were being consumed by (mercilessly, i might add). their bodies were too plain and too close-minded to see the in-between like a guilty grey's creation. she liked that. she liked that she was the only one who could see her own faulty destruction.

monochromatic themes, paranormal and sweet. hathi married it eons ago, when a fairy tale was merely gossip amongst the curious whispers of a neighbor.

in shackles, drenched in shame and jeers from her spectators, hathi stood proud at the prisoner's box like a mountain peak.

a smile danced a ballet across her bright pink lips, two crescent moons waxing upwards. her guilty grey eyes glittered gold dust as she opened her mouth. coughs spilled from her ashen lungs and a warm, bright red trickled down her neck.

but that would not take her voice away.

hathi would talk guilty grey until the day she died.

hold me back,

       please, hold me back

           otherwise

                 my fingers

  my voice,

my eyes,

my words


will tell the world
of my love for you.

hourglass,
what are you doing here?
my mouth is chalky white
and wooden beams block my sight.
why do you try so hard
to rip me from the pages
of my notebook?
let me write in peace!
how else will this madness leave me?
it's no easy feat to run you away
but i am desperate for this.
if i let you haunt me,
i have lost all time.