You’re wondering where I am,
Cuz I’m no longer around,
You try to understand,
Why you never saw the signs,
You say you were once there yourself,
But the fear for me is nowhere here,
Do you even care?

I try to smile,
To laugh,
To work,
But the pain inside is trembling me up in deep
I’m nauseous and want to go hide,
Never to be found,
Alone and at peace,
Forever in my sleep

I don’t want to deal with all the dozen things around,
I want to be able to fly,
Far up in the sky,
Where beauty is all I see and fresh air all I breathe
My air somehow have gotten polluted,
It’s so polluted it suffocates me to the core

The pain was always present,
From a young me untill now,
There have been breaks along the way,
But when it hits,
It hits me bad.
All the memories from the past keep knocking on my brain,
It’s like I struggle with glimpses of exruciating pain,
Memories that never fade, but forgotten in my conciousness
And I can’t unlock my unconciousness

Everything is coming back,
Everything and everyone tears me up inside,
Agony,
And most of it bottles up from my insides
The insides I can’t reach
But that forever holds me captive
I am dead while breathing,
And breathing while I’m dead

Nobody understands,
And I know that is a cliché,
But nobody does because I don’t even,
My life was filled with emotional terror,
The trauma stays with me through my tears,
The anxiety trembles my lips as I can’t seem to see clear
It’s foggy all around
And my feet won’t touch the ground

My emotions are numb,
It’s like I can’t feel
The only thing I feel is my pain that’s so real
It’s vivid and raw,
And nothing can compare
Who do I love if I love one at all?
They say you can’t love someone, before you love yourself,
I guess that’s true,
Cuz I never loved myself at all

It feels like I’m about to *****,
And the devil’s on my door,
I’m ready to take off,
Nothing left for me here no more

I have this feeling within,
this feeling will not let me win,
it suffocates my every attempt on progress,
tells me I'll never make it,
and eats me alive.

This feeling,
Has been within me from birth,
and wants to stay till the grave
I'm this feelings slave,
I feel far from brave...

I'm locked up in it's cave,
can't get away,
If I don't want to stay,
It will make me pay...

This feeling,
is a devil in disguise,
this feeling,
is buried deep inside,
this feeling,
will not keep me alive,
this feeling,
has death on it's mind,
this feeling...
is fear

There's nothing I fear more than fear itself

This feeling
unlike any other feeling
Feels unnatural,
unsafe and catastrophical
can't get out, can't handle being all alone
Clinging on to the only safety I know
Even if it feels entirely wrong

What's wrong with me?
Why am I so scared of the unknown?
This is the time to test boundaries,
Learn for selfgrowth,
And feel forever young
I'm like a child inside,
scared and lonely,
Afraid to take the risk,
To fly high above
and shine
on my oh so destined throne

I'm a prisoner in my own mind,
I can't get out,
It destroys me more and more,
With each passing day
It feels like hell,
nothing can extinguish these flames...

I'm burning alive,
and I will burn all the way down
I'm all ashes now,
Soon I'll become what I've felt all along,
Like nothing,
Nothing at all...

I'm trapped

I look at you,
and I see beauty,
truth,
compassion,
safety,
joy.

When I look at you...
I see love

Just do as I say,
you have to tease me,
in order to please me

It's like an itch,
it wont quit,
make me tick

Who's the boss this time...
should I obey
or decide?

Who knows where it all will end?
Who knows what we really are?
Who they really are?
If you get rid of society, friends and family
If it's just you and planet earth
Just you and people you have no relation or connection to
Who are you then?
You can't know
You will never know
Who you really are
If noone or nothing told you who to be
What to do or not to do
What's socially acceptable and what's not
How to treat people or not treat people
If nothing was said or unsaid,
How would it be?

What is this? What is earth? What are humans?
What is everything? Why is everything?
Why is everything as everything is?
How would everything be if nothing was as everything now is?
What would nothing be, if nothing was decided?
And would there even be an everything?
Who decided what everything's definition is?

To be so clever that we, humans, are
To create everything we, humans, have
We're also the most stupid, narrowminded, selfish and ungrateful creatures at the same time

Isn't it bittersweet? Isn't it strange?
I find everything strange, I find myself strange and everyone else strange
If you think about it, nothing is not strange.
Isn't it strange?

Why is it so delicious when I know it's going to hurt?
Why can't I stop when I know I'm going to regret?
Why do I do this to myself when I know I'm going to hate it?
Why does it tempt me so bad, aren't I smarter than that?

Why am I so weak that I have to give in...?

If you ask me why I write,
I'll tell you why I write.

Writing is how I cope through the hardest of times,
writing is how I survived a childhood not mine,
writing is how I kept strong when I was feeling down.

When I had noone and nothing else,
I could write down my worries, thoughts and fears,
Also write my pain away and write about a place
much further away.
I could write about happiness, flowers, love and trees,
I could write about everything I will always need,
but never received.

When I was scared, angry, sad and alone,
no comfort was shown,
I wrote in my journal or made a poem,
only thing to keep me from gone.

I needed so much more,
I never got.
I needed comfort,
I never had.
So I wrote for myself,
for my life and my pride.

If I didn't write for myself,
who would write for me then?
Maybe I wouldn't still be,
here on earth as I am.
Because...
I write to survive,
I write to live,
If I don't write,
what's left of me then?

I'm like this again
It's an uncurable disease,
Just keeps on coming back
Making me want to die
I'm also afraid to die
I really want to live
I really want to want to live
But I still feel like this,
And I can't live with it

You say you love me,
They say they miss me,
Some even wants to be with me,
I can't believe a word they say
I can hear it, but not understand
Or feel it
Makes no sense at all,
why I still feel all alone

Might be that I never let them through,
Noone knows what's going on,
Going on inside my mind,
All my broken thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams
Crushed into the one thing
That I've always been able to feel,
and to understand;
The strong and powerful pain
It's like it's always with me,
Even when I am starting to feel fine,
It's still with me,
the pain then starts to rain all over me
It won't ever go away from me

Can't I ever be free?
Why have I felt like this forever?
I thought things would get better,
I always do, but it never lasts
The pain takes me straight back
It never tells when it's going to strike
But when it strikes, it strikes
I'm certain of that

Will this be my future?
Day in and day out...
A glimpse of happiness,
Then just excruciating pain
Like there's no way out
You give and then you take
Everything that's left on the plate
More than you gave
Just to leave me with less
When I started to lose my suppress
I'm now suppressed to a whole new extent

I'm afraid to tell,
paranoid in every way,
A sound here, a shadow there
Someone wants me, I have to hide
They all want to take me down
Don't go outside, you'll be destroyed
The sun will melt you,
the rays will burn you,
And the daylight,
It will destroy you...
My mind says things I know aren't true,
But If I open up my state of mind,
I don't know if I'll get cured

I'm afraid to be ridiculed
I'm afraid to be looked down upon
I'm afraid to be framed
I'm afraid to be deceived
I'm afraid to be lied to
I'm afraid to be ruined

But must of all,
I'm afraid of growing old...
To die alone and unloved,
filled with unfulfilled dreams,
Years of depression and guilt
Of all the life I never lived
Wasted time, wasted memories
Just because of fear
how can I bear?

I doubt everyone's intentions
Even my own
In my heart,
I don't even know where I belong

I don't want to take my life, I want to start my life

My disease complicates my soul
When it rains at the most,
it turns into an ocean, I've been here before
The question is...
Will I swim through this time too,
or will this be the time I drown?

I want to leave,
Start my life,
Start over

You are so settled,
Pleased,
Satisfied

I'll never settle here
It's not my home
This is not me

If I leave,
Would you come with me?
You said I'm not alone,
Will you prove yourself wrong?

You can ask me why,
and I'll start to cry
You can ask me when,
But I still won't tell you then

You can try to give me a hug,
But I'll take a step back
You can try to comfort me,
But I'll only feel discomfort

I'm broken and bruised,
confused,
brutally used,
and permanently uncured.

You think you know me,
Who I am,
What I do.

You're as clueless as it gets,
Sorry about the rest.