I wanna write about how you make me feel and who makes me feel what.
How much of my emotions are influenced?
How much of my emotions are mine?
I realize that time makes it easier to distance ourselves from turmoil once so close.
When it stares you in the face, obnoxious and intolerable... not even the greenest grass can catch your eye.
Maybe its not either of you, maybe its not any of you.
I'm kinda thinking its just me.

Homegrown apathy.
Self inflicted bliss.

Sweet words and honest eyes
A soul that I can see

Inspiration sits on me
a king or a goblin?
with the most encouraging smile

on fire and submerged without a clue or a query.
Ash my feelings, lights burn out.
Cant trust it'll stay the same as we grow father from this.
Your mind is right until its wrong, until its different, until you turn your head.

Its not even hard to fall back into what we had.
But it feels new, somehow.

Your hands burn me to the touch.
that kind of flame you just want to keep burning
Keep touching
fresh wounds,
they'll heal eventually.

I love to learn.
I love lessons.
You have taught me the most important one I gotten in a while.
Hurting someone you love is all the more possible,
all the more probable,
than strangers or villains
Because betrayal cannot exist
without first placing trust.

I can't even say It was hard to build our trust.
Though the weight of trust is a heavy one to bear.
We're only human.

But now, I'm as wary as a cat.
As frightened as an infant torn from his mothers side.

I'm learning. Alone.
With you.
Trying to swallow this lesson.
Forgiving you
is easier than leaving you
this I know for sure,
and that scares me more.

Should I give you up? Should I give this up?
My gut says no. **** no.
But my mind won't forget.
I wish I could forget.

I can't say that it's easy
to look into your eyes.
but harder so to resist your kiss.

Our innocence has faded.
but my love has not.
We're all too human.

Your hands, still soft, leave bruises on my skin. On my heart.

This lesson
etched deep
Im learning.

Social anxiety is a crippling cuff
that restrains you to the solitude of your mattress

Fetal position ready for
the red little monster
whispering inbetween your thoughts
"youre worthless"
          ......
"they hate you"
because your mind has brushed upon
a poison bush
oozing self doubt and fear

& you know you can fight it
but your day has left you weak;
Unwilling to stand up.
Besides, the tissue surrounding your brain isnt a surface you can easily scratch..

Instant relief is not to be expected...
so, bear the irritation we must
till the light decides to bring with it a calm
The sun is an effective locksmith.

hurt grows
in the dark un-monitored corners
of the most wonderful, wonderful people

grief is a seed
incubated in all of us
....
unexpectedly the jagged thorns
                        slash
the gentlest hands reaching out for you

You wont know
You don't notice

'

we've been fighting over the same things for thousands of years
religion, money, power, land
things that keep us separate
things that keep us fighting

keeping us in the dark

shouldn't we have realized by now
that categorizing humans stagnates progression

because when you're blinded by

ego
hate
ignorance

"differences"

how will you know which direction is forward?

What makes us different
can not compare
to reasons we're the same.

we're the same, don't they understand?

'they' love
we love

'they' pretend salt water has never flooded their eyes
and us,
well, we pretend too.

And though we have yet to see their tears,
and they have yet to notice ours

the blind can still feel
the blind can still listen
the blind can still hope
the blind can still pretend

Pretending we don't all shut our eyes every night,
hoping things will be alright.

hoping blindly
they/us/we
will open our eyes tomorrow

and stop fighting those who love and cry like us.
Realize how alike we humans are.

I know I'm supposed to be taking it all in..
Enjoying the moments as they pass,
But how can I?
When my mind is directly focused on how empty my hands will feel
as I stare out an airplane window
35,000 feet above and beyond your reach.
And while new frames and background will fill my vision
none will be as interesting
as your eyes
changing shades right in front of me.

I'd never have enough time
to take you all in.

poetry is the only thing that really makes sense.
writing
trying to make sense
of what we're doing
what it means
cough cough
lifeismeaningless
see im not really sure of a lot of **** things to be honest
just floating along
cemented to this worldliness by gravity
made of chemicals
space dust and star stuff
wondering
wandering
"what is anything" she inquires
to a poem written a thousand times
writing to be revised
writing to make sense
this doesnt make any ******* sense

my mind always jumps to the back of that car
climbing that hill
for what seemed like a foreign lifetime
with the sun present in my peripherals
but as though it had abandoned me
left in the dark
left in the nothing



how do you make everything out of nothing?

i dont even know what i am trying to say anymore
what do you call something that grows and grows to its largest possible capacity and then fold into itself? i wonder if there is even a word for it.
I feel an overwhelming sense of nothing-ness that clings onto the the end of every one of my thoughts. Like my stream of consciousness is a big game of snake that ends where it starts.

I probably need some lessons in moderation
because if i'm gonna give you my attention
you're gonna deal with all of it
or none at all

and if I'm not drinking to get wasted
my sober *** will stay home
and pack a couple bowls
cause I'm a ******* *** head
smoke. ****. everyday.
wait, what?

Substituting communication
for mere contact.
Self image produced with every shared post.
Basing your worth
on how many tap their finger.

When people become numbers
and reading someone's tweets
is enough to count as friendship

Convincing ourselves that life should have an edit option

Have we forgotten the tangible world?
real and uncut
above the square illusions residing in our hands

Foolish facade.
Highlighting what you'd like to be seen
casting in the shadows
those ever flawed attributes
Creating a decoy
that leaches all affection
Never knowing love
received for who you really are

No one will ever know everything about me.
I am the ******* universe experiencing itself.
too vast for total discovery
Any brave explorer that wanders too deep
will be lost forever
in the black holes inside me

All my days seem to blend together
like one big string of ”I’ll get to it tomorrow”
and i know
the future, my future, is knocking
constantly reminded that deadlines exist
and I should probably fill out that application soon
still unsure when I’ll join the slaves
and unwilling to give an answer other than “I’m still thinking about it”
but the future
my future
isn't very patient
he’ll rip the hinges from my door.
I’m running out of tomorrows,
still not done with today.

Moral inconsistency
fuels the minds of the masses
What is right for you
I should never even consider
and what is acceptable for the eyes
you wouldn't dare reciprocate with your hands
Stroking your pet dog while biting into a cheeseburger
Preaching "no ****"
when you know **** well
lesbian **** is bookmarked on your browser
Double standards are in place everywhere we go
Pointing fingers at others
when in reality they should be aimed
directly at a mirror

I'm not one to stay up late
overthink and contemplate
I cut that **** out, long ago.
'cause my mind was a roofless prison cell
I thought I couldn't escape
and I spent all my time
too damaged, too fragile
eyes well acquainted with the floor
without hope for an exit
because you can not find what you aren't searching for
And maybe it was just luck
that my tears began to reflect the stars

......
(edit- 10/6/14 )
but I'm **** happy they did.
I'm **** happy now.
I look up.

Stifled tears and shortened breath,
earthquake for hands
that deserve rest.
Diminishing comfort
the deeper I wander
but closer to fulfillment
the more layers uncovered.
Not sure really, what I'll find
as I peel
myself alive.

Hearing only my silence
can be so comforting
because other's make unpredictable noise
and eventually none at all
turning silence into absence;
not so comforting.