I suppose
I don't write
As others do.

But you see,
My work is from within.
Real
Raw
Riddled with bits and pieces of
Myself.

Today has been far too negative for my taste.
Though I am a woman I am still as impressionable as a child
And the way that people speak
And choose their words
Can make
Or break
Me.

Shot down with a casual
Decline.
Not a thought as to how it would
Change me.

Turned off with a gesture of a brow
Not a care for how it could
Estrange me.

Think for a moment before you
Talk **** about that friend of ours
Because I'm not
******* STUPID.

Whether it be spoken now or later you're
Proving to me that you're nasty
And gastly
And  rude.
For ***** sake.
Be polite.

My colors change from
Yellow with the sun to grey or gray like the end
Of
The day.

Because I'm

Stressed

Because I'm

Depressed

Because I'm

Weak

Because I'm

Making up excuses for why I keep

Killing myself

The words
Cling to my lips

They hang tightly
To my fingertips

They pull close
On my hips

You can't reverse negativity on an impressionable being
You must simply wait for the next day
That they decide that the sun is shining
Rather than beating down
On
Them.

You can't take the blue
Out of my blood.
My love.
My love.
My love.

So I'm supposed to
Discover
Who I am
What I want
What I am to be.

Where to begin
Discovering the deepest darkest secrets
The wants and the desires
Of this person I have grown to desest.

She parted her lips,
He parted ways.

Floral
Flighty
Frightened
Fauna

And
It's over.

One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight

Months.

Those plans
We made,
You'll keep them.

I'll
Make some
Anew.

You can't always
Move on
From trauma.

Sometimes
You simply
Build up
Tougher
Walls.

Panicked
Inhale
Thinking
Inhale
Eyes wide
Inhale
Sinking
Inhale

I can't seem to get a
Breath out
Lately.

It's not uncommon for me to have
Anxiety
With Zoloft on the ready
Who's to know.

My dreams blend
To reality
Can't make out
My fatality
Was it real-Am I dead-Just a dream

I can't seem
To get a breath out
Inhale
Inhale
Out

Freckles
Driving me
Wild

Turn the lights on.
Stare
Memorized
At the human form.

See the body
See the curves
See the imperfections

Turn the lights on.
Look at me.

Silence.

Envelopes me as I
drift off
into

Disassociation.

And I just wanna rip my ******* heart out.
The loss of someone who was never mine.

Take my mind I don't wanna think about
All the times you made me feel just so
MOTHER ******* FINE.

And here's my eyes. I don't need em'.
When I close them all I see are ghosts of you.

Take these hands, I can't stand to feel them
Because it seems they've memorized the way you move.

Here's some stupid ******* ears. Do you want them?
Cuz I only hear that song you used to play.

And take my feet, I never use them,
Since that day they ran
Begging you to stay.

And I can't sleep
Soundly
I can't rest.
I can't handle all the great things that I
ruined I *******

MESSED

UP

EVERYTHING.

But go,
Just like hang out with your friends and get smoothies or some ****. And one day I'll see you walking and you'll catch me in your eye and your stupid friend, you know the one I'm talking about, that  one I hate? Yeah her. Well she'll say something ******* useless like "God isn't that girl the one that was like, obsessed with you or something lololsdlfkakdsjfLASDK".

And then you'll be all
"Hmm. hmm hmm hmm hm hm. Yeah. **** she's crazy."

Then I'll die.

So I've been thinking.
I love you.

Depression
For me
is never
This
or
That.

Some days it's being sad
So sad and play that sad playlist
Titled Sad Songs
Make me cry
to
Make me feel
to
Make me
Sad.

Other times
I'm
Out with friends doing
Things I usually love and we're
"Having fun!"
But I'm
Faking it.
Don't wanna bother them
"Oh no I'm just tired"
Sort of
Depressed.

But then there's this.
I can't.
I'm
                           numb.
I'm here but I'm not
I'm laughing and
Responding and I'm here
But I'm
not.
And I'm terrified of myself.
Because if I'm not here
Who is in control of me
Aside from my
depression.
It's at this stage
That I stop.
And I'm not me anymore.
I'm just
             off.

We're going to be
Okay.
We
Will
Be
O
K

Just breathe
My dear.

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe

I just wish I could cry.
And scream.
And yell.
And throw up.
And shake
Uncontrollably
Until I
Vacate
My
Own
Body.

Because you've touched
Every inch of it.

These hands have memorized the way you move. My feet, giddy to see you. Eyes flash open each morning to yours.
And my lips.
They want to come home.

But
You're
Moving
On.

I suppose so am I but

This is the first time
I've had
Trouble
Letting
Go.

I really am
trying.

Can't you see me?

I've found that
I don't seem to mind
This book I'm trapped in
Anymore.

Each turn of the page
May be out of my control.

New chapters often
Surprise me.

But I choose the way
The reader
Feels
Me.

And the end of the story
Welcomes me.

Disappointment
Floods over me
As I
Look
Upon
Myself

Her
Every cliche
Makes sense now

My body is no longer my own

When "No." translates to
"Try harder."

and it was just the two of them.
Driving the streets of the town.
Getting lost on the roads and in each other.
It didn't matter where the were.
It didn't matter where they were going.
They had each other.
And that was enough.

The stars move
When I'm with you.

I want you to get tattoos
That remind you of me

So.

You're doing
great.

That's great
That's great
That's great.

Sometimes I am overcome by
A feeling.

Unsure of what it
Is
Or how to
Process it,
I lie
In bed
All day.

I feel a bit like a failure.
I feel a bit of a fraud.

I can't seem to keep up the most important of things,
But I can hold on to distrust for so so long.

I can't seem to please myself,
So I push that on to anyone who's willing to listen.

I don't believe that I deserve long lasting things,
So I cut them off before they find me.

Anything that's too good
Is too good for me.
And I'm
No good
For anything.

I feel a bit like a failure.
I feel a bit of a fraud.
I feel as though
I'm not enough
I'm too much
I'm nothing.
I'm everything.
I'm a mess.
I feel that I'm stunted,
Although it's only by myself
So I'll stay
By myself.

A failure.
A fraud.
I'll stay
By
myself.

And now you want to talk to me.
To pick my mind
To bring to earth this hidden thing.
This secret you feel
You have a right to know.
This, that has always been
Within me.

You were unaware.
I was not.

This is not new.
This is new to you.

This is not a problem or surprise.
This is who I am.

I'm frightened,
left
      aghast.

Afraid of moving
forward
All I've known is in the
                                          past.

You've got me feeling
Some sort of
Something.

Finding myself again in
Needless laughter
And a coy smile

I need to remember
For the sake of my heart
That I
Am temp-
Orary.

"I want you so bad"
Grabbing at my chest
As you
Push me
Further
Away.

You ever reach a
PERSONAL BEST
While simultaneously creating a
BUSINESS WORST.

Hah

Seeing you smile
Your intake of fresh air
Side eye and
Tucked away laughs.

I miss having your light near mine.

Falling back into
Greeting myself

Each sunrise brings
Expectations

Each sunset
Failures