Watching my future grow
As I dance from out the
Window

I'm frightened,
left
      aghast.

Afraid of moving
forward
All I've known is in the
                                          past.

I haven't felt
The way that I feel about you
In awhile

It makes me happy
And scared
And it fills me with
Hope
And
Eagerness.

And I love it.

So thank you

Let me
Help you
Grow

The stress of the day
Makes her way
Down
My
Shoulders

"Like what are we I don't understand because you're still here calling me love but you're not?"

//I’m sorry I shouldn’t call you love I guess that was habit.//

"But I love you"

Somebody else is
Holding you close now.
Falling asleep
To the sound of your voice now.

Do you dance in the rain?
Slowly and sweetly through tears.
Do you kiss on the train?
The hushed comments of jealous strangers never reaching your ears.

Do they laugh with you?
Weep with you?
Get drunk
Party and
Sleep with you?

Are they loving you in the way
I could not seem to muster?

Do you love them
Yet?

Healed of toxic memories
Lost things and
Missing my love

Hate comes from misplaced obsession
Anger
Anger
Angry tears

How do you
Grow as a
Person when you've
Grown so
Tired of           yourself.

This puppet
Pulls at her
Own strings

***
is like
giving
a gift.

Ask what
they'd like.
Don't simply
take
what you
want.

So young
When you were thrown from your nest
Learning how to fly

It seems that after time
It was as though you were
Taking in breath.

But you'll have those setbacks
The wind and the weather
Predators
Take you
Down

Left with a broken wing
Learning once more
How to breathe

It's scary
It's sudden
And once again
New

No longer so trusting
Won't jump from the nest
The pavement's so close
Right now you can rest

One day you'll be ready
One day you can try
Again you'll be learning
It's okay to fly.

Getting out and away from anxiety is
so
empty.

House that I built
Built around myself
Forgot to
Put in
An accessible
Door.

Alcohol a big stick to bang on the walls
Medication a blanket to keep me warm
Cigarettes so I'm not so lonely
And pain
To remind myself I'm still alive in here.

I know I'm taking
A few
Wrong
Turns.

Let me find
My way.

I'll be better for it.

my god aren't you
lovely

Death
Doesn't seem
So bad
When you're
Killing me
With those
Eyes

Pushing with all the strength I can render
Against the love and acceptance holding me up

Wanting so desperately to fall apart
Fighting so hard go hold it together.

You
Talk
Sing
Cry
Sleep
Hide
Leave
Run

Too much.

Please send good thoughts my way
Today is a hard one

It can be hard
To rebuild yourself

To allow yourself
To fail again

To allow yourself
To feel again

To cry again
To try again
To become the person
That you've trapped inside
Your head again

It's okay
To be a work
In progress.

It's okay
To start
Again.

Confidence falls
In ringlets down
The back of her neck

She's
Just
So
Lovely

There is a
Secret
That shares my every
Emotion.

Starting from the
Decolletage,
It peers 'round every
Forced smile
And
Kind word.

Vermillion
Is a cruel mistress
That climbs my neck
And clings to my *******.

Bright
Red
Sirens.

You can not hide from her.
The more you try
The further she creeps
Up
My
Neck.

As I allow
My heavy arms
To lay rest by my side
You puppeteer
Them up
Around you

Moving on is hard
to do
When everything
I think
is new,

Are re-envisioned forms of you.

A face that has felt assult.
Arms that have shaken from past trauma.
Between the legs hides fear of being sexually assaulted.
Again.
The eyes dance at night with dreams that remind the body that she is not her own.
Bruises healed on each leg from the tears that he shed promising he would be better.
Ears burning from every apology that girl uttered before continuing to take what she wanted.

"You're so ******* ****."

Why does it feel like my body is working against me.
A spoiled carcass that I drag along with me, politely accepting every compliment and bending this body to please others because that's what I've been shown I'm good for.

So check out my **** huh?
Pretty ******* ****.

You couldn't possibly
See yourself
The way that
I do.

Because
If you did
You would
Never
Sleep.

Baby
I'm barely
My own.

Don't call me
Yours.

Drives home from work
2:30 AM
Thoughts of chocolate
And police cars
And rest

I feel so sick when I think of her.
A sickly sweet illness fills my veins
And this creature inside of me feeds on herself
Turning
Turning
Turning herself inside out
Trying to reach out
Trying to get away.

Not knowing
What you want
Who you are
Who inhabits your body
Is a terrible
Sickening thing.

This creature living within me
Growing as I grow
Screaming as she pleases
Is so loud sometimes
"Drink drink drink up silly girl. What's it matter silly girl. Nothing changes silly girl. All the same all the same drinkdrinkdrink."
Sickly sweet as she tugs at me
Pulls my heart down to my feet
Crushing it with
Every
Passing
Glance
"Thinking of you they're thinking of you bad bad things they're thinking of you"

Sickly sweet as she pulls my puppet strings down down down
Hands in pockets
Eyes into sockets
Head down
Shoulders down
Feeling down
downdowndown.

She throws me to the floor in tears
And tosses me on the bed in repentance.
"So sorry silly girl so pathetic so pathetic"

I can't leave her.
I can't get away.
This woman inside of me
Sickly sweet.

I am doing
Well.

Learning to
Love
Myself.

Spending time
With
Me.