To the little girl who grew up too fast:
Who had her childhood taken away from her too young.
Who never knew what innocence was.
Who desperately searched for love in all the wrong places.
Who was afraid to show her heart, but desperately wanted it to be seen.
Who craved validation from men, most who didn’t care to know her name.
Who drank until the world went black.
Who hurt people, because she was hurting her self.
So full of angst.

I can still see her now- clearly.
She lives inside me.
I can find her standing at her favorite beach.
Listening to the angry waves crash.
It’s night and she’s always crying, but silently.
Salt water sprays her face as salty tears run down it.
Staring at the ocean, gazing at the moon.
Desperate for a glimpse of hope.
Here she’s able to feel all the things she has kept inside—
Safely.

To the little girl who grew up too fast:
Who knew pain so young.
Who only wanted the love of her mother,
But looked for it in all the wrong places.
Who made choices to hurt herself, because she saw no value in herself.
Just know, I love you.
Even when you’re difficult to love.
I wouldn’t be me without you.

I am hurt by you.

I am hurt that I cared more about getting to know what lies beneath your skin.
(Than You did)
I am hurt that you made me feel things I haven’t felt since Him.
(Feelings I didn’t know I was capable of again)
I am hurt that you touched the places that others have been too scared to touch.
(The places that I am too scared to open up)
I am hurt that you lead me to believe that you care more about what my body can give to yours.
(Like all the rest do)
I am hurt that I believed your broken promises.
(Excuses, excuses)
I am hurt that I wanted to trust You, and only You with the most valuable thing I could offer.
(The thing that has been shattered time and time again)
I am hurt because I thought I finally found someone who valued me enough.
(Your actions say the opposite)

But I am grateful for you.
Because you showed me exactly what I will no longer tolerate.
That I am capable of connection, vulnerability, and true intimacy.
Things that I thought had died within me years ago.
Things now, that only someone worthy will receive one day.

It was the arrangement of the stars
As i was brought in here
Sun in pisces
Oh, was it my fault 
I saw it end before it even began
i was saving two ends from tying knot
From damaged knits and sorrow
I felt it like you sense a coming
Tragedy or a storm
On a bright day in warm arms
I felt it in rushing heartbeats 
And in withdrawing tongues
That self-realization is on your front door
And later that night your
Atoms will soon be weary of mine
Must i be mad and blame 
That cosmic movement for
This piscean intuition
Must i be mad for i had not
Felt love as it was
For this heart was already in 
The crashing end, ready to free you
When you so willingly still 
wanted to be held
Had i not, Youd be the one 
to let loose while i was still in 
the comfort of your arms 
and id be the one to beg
Love me and my misery, again
But i dont intend to shame myself
On a bright day in warm arms
I saved two hearts from crashing

I am humiliated
that I have ever let worthless men,
determine my self worth.
I am like the ocean.
Soft, breaking, blue.
But vengeful, strong, and powerful.

My mother and her mother,
(four generations of mothers to be exact)
All conceived children They didn't want,
because They couldn't bear the alternative.

My sister and I are the only two who survived.
The intergenerational resentment
that is cast among each woman in our family
who decides to carry the burden of their unwanted child.

My mother loves us as much as she is capable-
Just like her mother and mothers mother before her.

Birthed into four generations of hurt,
that longed for acceptance and love that only a mother could give.
But each mother couldn't.

It took four generations of women and their pain
and longingness for love,
to create two women who are full of nothing but love
and are hungry to give it to the world

(we forgive you, because it's all you've known)