i'm tired
i'm tired
i'm tired
i'm so ******* tired
**tired

recovery is hard
existing is really hard
the fact anyone does it at all
it's a miracle

but existence is resistance
it is resistance to nonexistence which
can actually be incredibly easy
backsliding into old habits is easy
old habits may die hard but
at least they can die
(hard)

recovery is hard
it is not linear
you do not follow a timeline
it is not
first you do this and then you do that
and now it's all better
kiss kiss! goodbye bad days!

recovery is "today is a good day and
i know bad days"
recovery is "today is a bad day but
i've seen so many of those that i know how to navigate it"
recovery is "you have reached your destination"
recovery is "but my destination is actually
three blocks up from here
sorry can you take me three more blocks?"
recovery is "oh no its okay i can walk from here"
recovery is "yes, i'm sure"

my fingers can't stop trembling
my mouth is so dry
i can't button this shirt
and i'm starting to cry

i am powerful
i am a crashing wave
i am a conqueror.

a constant state of adjustment
transformation
revision.
i'm dizzy and i wanna get off.

in the last year, i've conquered my fear of flying (mostly).

          the people that i love all live far away.

i like to watch the people in the airports.

          they are some of the most honest moments i've ever witnessed.

it's good to get away sometimes.

hygienic
bright
the man speaks in a calming voice
a poke
a pinch
a wince
OW
my eyes water
all done

flower petals are falling from my eyes
they pool around my feet
and
ice cream drips from my fingertips
it pools around my feet
and
waves crash all around me
they pool around my feet
and
i think i'm drowning

i'm jealous of the wind
always wild and unpredictable
unstoppable
untamed

i want to topple monuments
erode mountains
i want to be dangerous
and hard to control

*but i am a still day

it's hard enough with your own
but it's harder to take on someone elses'
you want to be a pillar of strength
but you're just a blade of grass.

it's strange how certain smells can trigger a very distinct memory. or how at one time, you enjoyed the smell of something, but now it reminds you of someone and it makes your stomach turn. was what sweet is now rotten. but then there are things that, to most, smell rotten, but no. not to me. cigarette smoke, for example, reminds me of my mom. living far apart from her, i miss the scent of camel blue 99s in my hair. oftentimes, i'm tempted to buy a pack just for the reminder, but she'd **** me faster than any cancer could. and anyway, i prefer newports.

biting my bottom lip
until it's chapped
peeling at the skin
i'm on fire
but im freezing
my body is calm
but my brain is out back
running laps
collapsing in the dirt.

poems about rain are cliché
but i like to write them anyway
i live in a place where rain
is an unusual occurrence
so i fill the void with words.

i live for the warm rain of summer
monsoon season
the only reason for summer
and the first rain of fall
sweet and cool and clean

poems about rain are cliché
but i like to write them anyway.

a gross habit
i don't think i'll ever break
picking at my scabs.
when i was younger
my mom would get after me
but i never listened.

and now here i am
23 years old
still pick, pick, picking away.
a cycle.
like a phoenix
sort of.
i guess.
new life in new skin
death when i peel it back.
repeat, repeat, repeat.

the first sip of coffee
when it hits the tip of my tongue
sugar coated

i am awake
and ready enough
sugar coated

**** oh ****
**** me
what the actual ****

there are worse dreams than nightmares. you know those dreams where you wake up and you're a little off center and uneasy for the rest of the day. where the dream follows you around, but it's very subtle. hiding behind corners and behind peoples' faces. it could be a word that triggers you into remembering it. and it makes you sick, but you don't know why. it's like something was stolen. something small and insignificant and you could easily live without it, but you miss it nonetheless. these dreams terrify me more than any nightmare could.

if you're uninspired
write about being uninspired

if you're uninspired
open a dictionary
and write about the first word you see

like this
okay
set'tle verb
to put in order;to set to rights; to establish in place;to calm or quiet

calm or quiet
i don't know what that means
i'm neither calm nor quiet
even my body language screams at you
even when i sleep, i'm told i snore.

still and early and it's not yet light out
you pull me close
and it's like an attempt to absorb me all at once
and i wouldn't mind if you did
but according to science
we have never actually touched
our sweat beads together and mixes
and that's the closest we'll ever get
or else we will destroy the universe.

smooth and sweet
you're making me crazy.
i want sticky kisses
that stay with me
for so long
that i remember the taste
several years later.

your touch is electric
a lightning strike against my skin
do it again and again and again and again
a new kiss every time
because lightning never strikes in the same place twice.

I.
no matter where you go and
no matter who you meet
someone will be better than you at something
but please don't let that discourage you
you'll be better than someone at something else

II.
there will always be a give and take
put out good things
get them back
you must give respect to get respect

III.
be proud of the things that you do
learn to praise yourself
for your accomplishments

IV.
look at your mistakes
but don't dwell on them
use them to your advantage
but don't hold onto them

V.
listen to your gut
it's probably right

VI.
if your gut is wrong
listen to your mother
she's always right

fireflies
alive in my mind
burning bright and buzzing
like a neon sign

riding in the car at night
in the backseat
like when i was a child
at twenty-three
i'm still a child.

in a flash
i see them pass
fireflies
alive in my mind.

i always forget i'm not the only one aging
everyone around me is crumbling day by day
they'll be gone
i'll be gone
what will be left?

step one:
start out with a metaphor.
compare them to the sun or the wind or lightning

step two:
declare your love
underline it
make it bold and bright and loud

step three:
compare their features to other things
something like
your eyes are __ like the __

step four:
crumple it up
throw it away

coffee breath
          bitter and sweet
lips moving
          soft and indiscreet
fingers trembling
          inching down my spine
oh my darling
          *we're gonna be just fine

emotional girl
emotional violence
death valley dream date.

late night
girl it's alright
drawing inspiration
from the vibes the breeze is bringing in
right through your window

naked and ****** and alone
but that's okay

your incense burns
your jazz plays
peace at last.

sleepy eyes wanna stay awake
dry mouths wanna keep kissing
open hearts wanna stop beating

but i'm gonna fall asleep
quench my thirst
and keep on going.

do not make promises you cannot keep
especially promises you make to yourself

i never finish anything
i never finish what i start
i never finish a ******* thing
i ne

ripped from the wound
never cauterized
never sutured
not even a band-aid

unkind goodbyes spitting venom in my eyes
at least i tried.

i just want to kiss you
and hold you
and listen to your heart
i can hear how much you love me
when i press my ear to your chest.

i had to go to the library today. i walked through the park to get there. the sun was out but it was freezing and the wind was aggressive. i cut it right in half. a diagonal slice. along the way i touched the trees. i would reach up and run my fingers along the branches. i close my eyes and feel the bark, learning a whole new language. i like to touch the things i pass. trees, fences, telephone poles. it's getting to know my surroundings. it's learning them and learning from them. i want to know my territory by heart. blindfold me, set me free. i'll show you places you've never seen.

there are so many nerves inside the human body
and you excite every single one in me
a single touch on my cheek and
i'm wild

it's undeniable
my hands were made for your hands
my body was made for your body

i never kissed anyone the way i kiss you
i loved before but it felt brand new with you

when you crawl through broken glass
just to prove something
but what are you proving?
i broke all my dishes just to make a point.
i didn't have a point.

i had a million poems inside me
but i burned them all up.

i am the result of my past
we are all the result of a past
it builds and grows and builds
a new layer everyday
you don't have to love each layer
but learn from it
it made you
it built you
and you are strong

i wish
it weren't
so easy
to make
me cry.