I am not in love with you
The way you are with him
I don't get butterflies
And goosebumps on my skin
I don't want to touch you
I'm not haunted by the might-have-beens
But darling, oh my darling,
I love you

I don't want to share our beds
In dark hotels at night
I just want to watch the stars
And hold you oh so tight
I don't want to kiss you
I just want to give you my whole life
And darling, oh my darling
I love you

I love how your lashes sweep
Over your sleepy eyes
I just think you're more lovely
Than all the sweeping skies
You don't have to love me
I just wish there was a compromise
*** darling, oh my darling
I love you

I love you as I love myself
And often even more
If I am every ocean wave,
Then you must be the shore
There's something in your eyes
I just love the way I am done for
And darling, oh my darling,
I love you

My best friend, I adore you
And yet, you adore him
He is the lover of your life
And I am just a friend
I don't want you to leave him
I just want you to let me in
*** darling, oh my darling,
I love you

And when one day you remember
The days when we were forever
Darling, oh my darling,
I'll still love you

Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time

As I stare you down
Laying in my arms
My own lungs could drown
For I cannot breathe

How your chest goes down
And comes right back up
A sweet gold crown
Of our memories

Looking here at you
Takes me to a place
Where I dream of two
I smile at your face

I know when you wake
You will leave me here
Drifting to the lake
You were meant to go

When you leave me here
It hurts me, angel
Know you'll disappear
When you do come back

Dearest angel mine
As you rest so deep
Take up wings and fly
Beautiful in sleep

Oh, what shall I do
When you leave me here
This place meant for two
Will have only one

I thought you loved me
You said forever
So , dear, I'm begging
                    "Don't leave me here


...lonely"

Dear lonely

It's been a month at least
I thought we were done
I thought we had ceased

But here we are again
Having done our dance
Will this ever end?

You tilt the way I think
What now shall I do?
I feel like I'll sink

I'm pushing through you, though
You will go away
You, my greatest foe

Dear Lonely

It's taken me awhile
But now I can see

That lonely is defeated by a smile.

I'm sorry that you raised me to be better than I am
I'm sorry that I told you I was fine, *** it's a sham
And I'm sorry that I missed every bar that you held high
I wish that I could tell you I'm okay, but that's a lie

I'm sorry that I spilled that drink and broke that porcelain cup
I wish that I could fix it, but there's no patching me up
I'm sorry for the hateful things I tell me in my head
And I'm sorry you wanted a daughter and you got a mess instead

My illness is a friend of mine by my side he always stays
He hides himself from me sometimes but comes around in other ways
He's there when I feel I'm alone, but twists his fingers in my blood
Too dark and gloomy days I'm prone, he stays with me like all friends should
It's hard to say why he's my friend he makes me cry and have bad thoughts
But then on the other end, he ties my stomach up in knots.
I've lived with him for many years, he's never left me alone
And though he causes bitter tears, he wipes them when I'm done.
He hides his face from me sometimes and though I often ask
It seems my friend will never leave till he has done his task
And though at times, I wish my friend would just leave me alone
The way he shows his constancy is harsh, but all my own.

I finally opened up
After all your prying
And you still didn't understand
How hard that was for me to do.

Some turn to drink
And some turn to grass
We all turn to things
That we know will not last

But oh my beloved
Remember always
We all have our demons
That won't go away

It's not as easy
As drugs
Or *****

It's not something
You pick
Or choose

It's not a thing
You can
Control

It blackens you
Like soot
Or coal

I wish it were
Simple
Easy

But it's not
Something you fix

You ask me why I'm leaving
It's really plain to see
The point of my departure
The lies that you told me

I let you get close to me
And let you steal my heart
You were a devil in disguise
From the very start

I choose to be the heart-breaker
I'll be the one to leave
But now I lay awake all night
Just trying just to see

"This was my fault", the voices say
They tempt me to believe
The one in wrong wasn't you
The voices say it's me

But one day I will begin
To see that from the start
The one at fault wasn't me
For you-thief- stole my heart

And with it, you took my will
To breathe, and eat, and live
The longing I had to go on
You just wanted to win

Well there you see, I'm broken
I hope your happy now
All you wanted was to be king
And now you wear the crown.

But more than anything I hope
That it's not what you thought
I hope that you are miserable
For devil, you've been caught.

It always seems to help
A kind of self...self-help
To diagnose this

It always seems better
Released from the fetters
Of my emotions

I can smile

"Do not go gentle into that good night"
For if the demons hear of your fright
They will find ways to take your sight
And blend the darkness with the light

Dylan Thomas knew of his fate
He saw it there, like an oncoming freight.
But at avoiding it, he was too late
So doomed he was, and met for his date

With destruction.

I don’t understand
Why the most important thing
Is to be physically beautiful.

I don’t understand why it is required that
We do our best to impress
People we don’t even know
It’s all for show

So why do we go on
Dragging our feet
Smiling on the street
But crying inside

When the tears that streak
Our eyes
When we cry
Show the beauty we hide

We may be broken
We may be sad
But we are all beautiful
On the inside

Darling, in my eyes
There's no way to disguise
That darling, your so beautiful.
Stop putting yourself down.

I can see in you
A door to walk through
A way to escape this hell
Stop putting yourself down

I don't understand
How even a strand
Of you could be imperfect
Stop putting yourself down.

He's The One
He's always there for me
Had a not-so-little crush on him
In 3rd grade

And I love him far as telescopes can see
I'm the only one who'll love him
'Till my last breath.

But then there's her
Who'll leave him
When the sun comes up

But he holds her tighter
He loves her more
All these emotions
Swirling 'round
Make my heart sore
He pulls her closer
They push me away
And oh my heart
How I long for him to say
"If you're willing still
Please have me
Do you love me?"

A few years pass
And he still holds her near
And my heartbeat still gets fast
When he walks toward me

I still love him far as telescopes can see
But she's got him in her grip
And won't let go

But then there's me
Standing in the background
Wishing he
Would hold me just as close

But he holds her tighter
He loves her more
All these emotions
Swirling 'round
Put me at war
He pulls her closer
They push me away
And oh, my mind
And heart and soul
Just scream and say
"Please leave her
I still want you
Do you love me?"

I'd found my  love
I'd found The One
I'd found my sweetheart
But there he was
He stole my heart
And now it's beating

He held her tighter.
He loved her more
All the emotions
Love, hate, anger
I'm at war.
He pulled her closer
They pushed me away
But now he's come
And says
"I've got something to say:
If you're willing still
Please have me
Could you love me?"

I love editing.
Have I said that yet?
I love practically hearing
The scenes
And the words
That zip
Through my mind
Like arrows
From the bow
Of an Indian.
I love feeling like I am doing something.
I love editing, have I said that yet?
Well, I'm saying it again.
Stories, novels, poems...
I love it all.

I'm a bit fragmented
Warded up
With layers
Of
Stay-aways
A whisper of
"Don't get too close"
I'm a little too-easily broken
None too strong
All I need
Is a little warmth
And maybe I'll begin to grow
If only
I could trust
That someone else
Will handle me gently
If only this shell
Weren't made of glass
I might not shatter
Under the weight
Of all the "maybes"
Dripping into my ears
But every atom
Has a breaking point
You simply need to know
From what height
It must be dropped

The Lord loves each man
His hand has crafted still
And spends so much mercy
For those going downhill

And blessing after blessing
They refuse for fire
As loudly has he begs for them
To turn from death so dire

A wedding feast so bright
Awaits the other road
And yet with stubborn conflict
To fire they still go

Jesus cries "come near, come near"
But they still refuse
To accept the sweetness
His love will infuse

And as they walk yet farther
Down the broader road
His cries echo-quiet now
The devil's seeds are sown

And yet, a father, gracious
Though unwilling He afflicts
Will whisper sweet lullabies
His loved ones to transfix

How can I put it into words?
How can I tell you how I feel ripped and folded at the same time
In a way that hasn't already been said?
Words don't escape me
They lay before me
Already formed into every combination
Stolen and used up
By someone else who's hurting
Until all that's left to say
Are words I've already said:
I'm just really really lonely

I hear this tune
And think of you
The memories
I can't get through

The lyrics play
I see your face
A feeling that
I can't replace

Took your number
Off my phone
The words all gone
Time to go home

Perhaps one day
I'll hear the words
Your face won't show
My heart won't hurt

I'll hear the song
And skip it past
Won't think of you
At peace at last.

How do I tell you
How much I miss you
Without you knowing
How I want to kiss you
How do I let on
How much I need you
To put your strong arms around me

How do I show you
I would like to know you
The way that I know that
The day sky is blue
Can't I just open
My heart so to look in
Would tell you of all
That I see there in you

No I'll just wonder
If your heart might wander
In my direction
Or the other way
I'll hope for maybe
And that if you glimpse me
In far away memories
You'll remember me

I don't believe we come from the ocean
But I do believe that there is a reason
We are so made up of water
And I believe that the same Person who made the tides
Put the same things in our veins
Our hearts long for the ocean
Because it is inside of us
And it longs to return to its home.

Blue, blue
Everblue
Tearing earth asunder
As  a dear friend who I am
Some might call me water.

Blue, blue
Everblue
Look, oh look at me!
Home to plants and fish alike
Some would call me sea

Blue, blue
Everblue
Earth has me in bonds
Bugs across my surface skim
I am called a pond.

Blue, blue
Everblue
'Cross country like a sliver
Tossing, swerving, bubbling, laughing
I was named a river.

Blue, blue
Everblue
Cover me in love.
Boats and fins across me swim.
I am called a cove.

I have every reason to be angry
Angry
Angry
At you.

But I just can't.

Because I love you.

And when you love someone,
No matter how much they anger you,
You never tell them.

I'm sick of being sick
I'm sick of feeling pain
I'm sick of all the heartache
That I feel from day to day

I'm tired of doing nothing
I'm tired of being ill
I'm tired of all the answers
Being one more nasty pill

I'm tired of the physicians
I'm tired of All their "cures"
I'm tired of staying up all night
Just trying to wipe my tears

I'm done with being tired
I'm done with being sick
I'm done with all the doctors
Thinking I'm so thick

I know I'm just a patient
Another one to diagnose
I know I'm just a person
Shoving more pills down my throat

I feel like I am fading
I feel like I am dead
Like everyday is just more hours
Filled with blinding dread

I wish it could be over
I wish I could be done
I wish in place of all the cold
That I could feel the sun

God, I want to go home now
Can't do this anymore
I want to fold within your arms
Upon the golden shore

How long will you leave me here
A ghost within a cloud
How long will you keep me
Amongst the noisy, painful loud?

Sharp pain climbs up my bones
And clutches at my skin
My favorite part of every day
Is finally giving in

Someone tell me good things
That it will be over soon
And soon my bones will rest in dirt
Beneath the quiet moon

...so I tell myself that I'm just tired, I didn't sleep well last night.
I nod a few times trying to convince myself of that lie
Because I know that I really slept fine last night
I just feel lonely and I don't know how to cope.

I am a depressed, anxious insomniac who has never to her memory gone an entire day without being in physical pain. I am a migraine-afflicted, allergy-suffering, chronic-pain-having, fibromyalgia-surviving, lonely beast in search of someone bright enough to give what is left of my heart to. But like a phoenix, I am risen from the ashes day after day, sustained by the belief-the faith that one day I will be taken away from this agony, and never again will I feel the pain I do now. I survive only by the hand of an almighty God, who has promised perfect peace if I only speak to Him day by day.

It's a rainy day
The sun is hiding
The fog rolls in
The road is guiding

A sweet nostalgia
Pulls strings on my heart
It's been too long
That we've been apart

The miles go on
I'm closer to you
The clouds fade away
The sky is blue

The time has come
I see your eyes
Miraculous
They match the skies

I'm in your arms
As daylight fades
And all my worries
Melt away

People don't understand
That even as a joke
Just the way I am
Clouds my heart with tears

Every picture I see
Are pictures of failure
Even being me
I'm failing there, too

I'm just so tired of it
Feeling not good enough
It burrows a pit
Deep in my stomach

Wish I could see myself
As more than just nothing
Throwing my heart on a shelf
Along with all my other fears.

It's fall
And the trees are changing
Daintily dropping their leaves
To the grateful ground
Wind whispering through their branches

It's fall
And the rain is pelting
Perfect
Against my window
Inviting me to stay inside
With hot tea
And a good book

It's fall
And the smells are enchanting
Cinnamon
Pumpkin
Wet grass after a long storm

It's fall
And I'm wearing sweatpants
Giant sweaters
And long socks
Warming my feet by the fire

It's fall
And the cool wind
Rushes through my hazel hair
Laughing
And tossing itself about my
Face

It's fall
And squirrels are everywhere
Hiding food
And chattering
To each other
Across the trees

It's fall
And my bed is inviting
Warm,
Cozy,
Safe,

It's fall
And I want to lose myself
In a good book
A fire
And myself

It's fall
And I feel at peace

I live
For stormy days
Chilly wind
Colorful leaves
The color orange
Long scarves
Warm boots
Giant sweaters
Cloudy skies
Hot tea
Good books
Bonfires
The smell of burning leaves
Fuzzy blankets
Candy corn
And corn mazes
Hot cider
Scary movies
Acorns
Petrichor
Candy apples
Jack-o'-lanterns
Splendor in the air
And long walks
Through quiet forests
I am in love with fall

Death is just a shadow
A passing spot of gray
Leading into sunlight
And bringing on the day

Endure it for a moment
As bad as pain may be
Rest in the arms of Jesus
Sad may you never be

May you never be hurt
And may you find your peace
And find your rest upon the cross
May laughter never cease

And when upon the gates
Of Heaven you may knock
I pray upon the golden road
Your feet will always walk

I hope you're happy where you are
And happy ever more
Your boat is soon to rest upon
Sand of the golden shore

Rest in peace, my long lost friend
May kindness find your heart
May you and every blessing
Never be apart.

It's peaceful tonight
I guess like
The eye of the storm
I'm still lost
And confused
Pain
Like a constant reminder
Is shooting up my spine
I know that tomorrow
I'll wake up and have to do this all over again
But for now
It's quiet
The sun is setting
I am warm in my bed
Waiting for the amber release
Of drug induced sleep
To weigh down my eyelids
And my heart is somehow calm
In the midst of this hurricane

I'm tired
Of the long days
And longer nights
Of the too-cold air
Or too-hot wind

I'm tired
Of the cold people
Surrounding me
The bright lights
And shaking ground

I'm tired
Of the room spinning
Voices screaming
Shoulders hurting
Soul burdened
I'm tired
Of speaking
Of waking up
And falling asleep
And the long gaps in between

I'm tired
Of life
The way it is
Knowing
No one's knows or cares

And I'm tired, ******
Of the tears
My hot skin
The shakes
The headaches

Yes, I'm tired
Of the work
That I put in
The money
I have to spend
So that I can go to sleep
Only to start it all over again

I don't belong here
I never did

I love you more
Than day is long
But what I feel
It seems so wrong

Because you love
One of my friends
And still this pain
Will never end

Instead I have
To sit here and
Just feel my heart
Break and bend

I wish that I
Could hate you, sir
But for this love
There is no cure

Yes, only time
Can mend this thing
So linger I
To hope clinging

It came like mist
On water at night
Slowly
But powerfully
I didn't even know
It was there at first
Until it turned my heart
From the beating read
To the dead black
I left all familiarity
For hopes of something better
Little did I know
I was leaving paradise
For its nemesis
I rolled my life away
Like dice
Until nothing was left
Save that charcoal heart
And a feeling of defeat
In my mind
I had fallen
Into a pit
Of destruction
And slick as the walls were
I could not get out
I shouted to passersby
And cried out for anyone
Anything
That would save me
From this shadow
Yet none
Would turn aside
I wallowed long
In my own thoughts
And searched for another way
If only I could find a foothold
I could climb out on my own
For days
I attempted escape
Only to fall again and again
Until I was so broken
I could try no more
And it was there
Deeply submerged
In darkness
And despair
That my soul sang
An old song
Like a prayer answered
In my misery
And inability
I saw a man
Glowing
And more radient than any
Sunset
Climb down to join me
Taking my hand,
He helped me to my feet and suggested
That I make use
Of His shoulders
Standing then, upon them,
I found myself able
To reach the top
Looking back
Unto my Savior,
There was now no way for
Him to climb out
"Good sir, how, now do you make your escape?"
He spoke softly
"My job is done, it is finished,
Pass on now to freedom,
Go now back home