Just two years ago
I’d race home from school
Driving my little car too fast
Around country curves
To see if there was a thick envelope
With my name on it
From any of the
Twenty something colleges
I’d clicked on
All I needed was one
And that was my ticket out of
My small hometown
To freedom
To a fresh start
And that was all I’d ever wanted
Was one fresh start
Not one every weekend
I wanted to start over once
Find the love of my life
Or at least the one of my college career
And be done
I didn’t want to have to worry any more
For a while
But every Monday morning
I reach for my phone
Hoping to see a name lit up
On the screen
Even if its asking for
More ****** ***
Or if the thong you found was mine
At least its something
That makes it feel
Like I’m wanted

Spring Ahead
Fall Behind
Walking through the warm leaves
I heard a couple
Thank God
For an extra hour of sleep
But we just looked at each other
With knowing smiles
And headed back to your place
And for that extra hour
We drove in your car
At 90 miles an hour
With the windows down
Blaring jazz music
Cigarettes trailing smoke
And orange embers
Behind us
And we sat on your couch
And drank cheap beer
Till everything was fuzzy
And I couldn’t hear right
And you kissed me when I turned your way
Because you thought I wanted it
And I just couldn’t tell what you said
And you kissed me harder
As you pulled down my skirt
Clumsily
Because you hadn’t done this in a while
And our skin smelled like beer
And nicotine
And regrets
And it was the most beautiful
Imperfect
Night of my life
And when we heard the one o’clock church bells
A second time
You pulled back on
Your ripped up jeans
And I slipped my phone
Under my bra strap
And I left
Closed your door
Covered in chipping paint
Years of frat boys' dreams
Stripping off
And I left
And that was the end
And that hour never existed

The smooth, perfect edges
Of a never broken heart
Could never fit with mine
There’s no room for me
But your heart,
With it’s rough, jagged edges,
Fits with mine
Like the final two pieces
In a thousand piece puzzle
Thats taken years to finish
Making something new
Something whole
Out of the pain
The hurt
The scars
And the imperfections

Skin the weak
White blue
Of skim milk
Hair as dark as
A starless night
Red lips
The color of an
Open wound
Not quite frowning
But not smiling either
Wide eyes scared
Of the judgement
Of every eye that meets hers
One flaw
And she loses all value
One chip
One crack
And any careless
Or ruthless
Passerby
Can split her wide open
And expose her every
Imperfection

I wish you’d kiss away my tears
Wish you’d open my lips
The way you have
Every intricate part of me
And steal your name
Right off my lips
Right out of my mouth
Until all thats left of me
Is this drunken desire
To drink to forget
Your
Name

I left the stairwell
Tears in my eyes
Holding my red, raised cheek
Like I'd held your hand
Not so long ago
Forced
Like I didn't want to
Like if I held it together
Hard enough
That would fix everything
The paisley pattern of the carpet
Printed on my knees
In the same color as your hand
On my face
But the story you tell from that night
Is much different from mine
You got pats on the back
And congratulations
While I got whispers
And stares
And everyone thinks of me as
The Hotel *****
When really I'm your
One Who Got Away

Ace is a waterfall
And I should never let you go first
Two is you
And you always pick me
Three is me
And I always drink up
Four, floor
And you're always last
Five, guys
And I smile as you drink
Six, chicks
And you laugh
Seven, heaven
And I'm never as close as you
Eight, date
And you're always mine
Nine, rhyme
And I take your favorites
Ten, categories
And you pick cars
Jack is Never Have I Ever
And I know how to get you
Queen, questions
And you know I always lose
King makes the rules
And on my numb lips
I only taste stale Natty
Instead of sweet words
To make you love me forever
But then
If it was a rule
It wouldn't be real
Just forced
Like my laughter
At your friends' jokes
So I finish my beer
Crush the can in my hand
Like you with my heart
And continue to play
The game

In the place my parents
Never wanted me to be
Never dreamed I’d be
Their perfect daughter
Off at college
Studying, of course
Even on weekends
In your frat house
In sweaty dark rooms
Lit only by black lights
With music blaring
So loud
You feel the bass in your
Not well covered chest
Solo cup in hand
Already feeling the room
Begin to spin

You’re the boy my parents
Never wanted me to meet
And the guy who would never
Have gone to my high school
And the one my friends
Would have hated
Back then
With the pierced lip
And tattoos
And smoking
And drinking
Getting handsy
And speaking fast, fluent Spanish
The later it gets
On a Friday night

You were everything they never wanted for me
And everything I needed you to be

If I was beautiful
And rich
And my family had a rivalry
With another family in town
I’d definitely fall in love
With one of their kids
And sneak out at night to see him
And he’d crawl in my bed
And we’d fool around
Hoping my parents
Wouldn’t find out
We’d try and run off together
Be free from our parents
And all their expectations
Who would care if we’re young?
We’d be in love
And that’s all that would matter
Right?
So we’d get married
Behind our families’ backs
And come up with some elaborate
Out-of-proportion plan
To run away together
Like they wouldn’t be able to find us
So I'd pretend to die
But Shakespeare’d **** me over
And my man would just play dead
Only for me to really die
So that he could continue
Winning the heart
Of every poor innocent girl
He'd meet
So much for star-crossed lovers
But me
I'm just seeing stars
I’ll never call lucky
And I won’t be thanking

You're far too perfect to be mine
And far too perfect to forget
Military short hair
Blonde in the summers
When you lifeguard
Almost brunette in the winters
When you're a ski instructor
A single vein in your forehead
That shows when you feel
Passionately
About some noble cause
Brown eyes that are
Too quiet to hear
Over the fireworks that explode
From their outside corners
With your laughter
Strong shoulders
From years of military training
Arms the perfect length
To encircle me
When you're excited to see me
When I need to cry
Because you want to
All leading down to your heart of gold
Lacking scars of
Heartbreak
To mar the
Flawless surface
You're my best friend
The one I tell my darkest secret
My biggest fear
My newest achievement
My deepest sorrow
But never
How much I miss him
You're far too perfect to be mine
And far too perfect to forget

My door squeaks open
At 5 am sharp
And you swear as it clicks shut
Because you’re always afraid
Someone will notice you
But it’s off your mind
Like my clothes come off me
This is an old routine now
Just steps we follow
Actions we take
Without meaning
Just something we’ve always done
And always will do
And we whisper fake
Unholy phrases
In time with the beating
Of your gold crucifix
Against your pale chest
And when we’re done
You slip back on your black skinny jeans
And tuck your necklace in your shirt
And head home to shower before church

I drove past your shore house today
It's not at all how I remember it
Instead of a well-kept, bright exterior
Paint was chipping
Windows were cracked
Sand had blown up on the porch
I peeked in the windows
But there was little to see
In the shadows
Other than broken promises
And half-assed repair jobs
That hadn't fooled anyone in years

And the rain is falling
Making music off the roofs of the cars
And we stand there
In the steam rising from the
Parking lot pavement
Shadows made from
Alarmed headlights
First, still
Then, quickly moving
From two separate shapes
To one jumble of limbs
The two of us becoming indistinguishable
As I can’t hold you close enough to me
And after so long waiting
I don't mind
My tears mixing
With the rain
Making our first open-mouthed kiss
Wet and messy
And you tangle your fingers
Into my waterlogged curls

Driving home from your favorite spot
Curled up in the passenger seat
Of my grandmother’s car
Because I couldn’t focus on
The pavement lines
I was too infatuated with the smell of
My grape cigars and
Your black cherry cigarellos
Chasers
To the last of
Your keef
One arm out the window
Feeling the summer air cool
As the sun drops
Below the horizon
I can’t take my eyes
From my cracked mirror
Smashed by a mailbox
A few miles back
Through the cracks I watch
Your fingers run
Through your too long brown hair
The same color
As your mellowed out eyes
You never look my way
But you feel my gaze
And your perfect lips turn upward
Into your stunning smile
And as the cause of that grin
I glow like the embers
Of our final cigars
Stamped out quickly
The next morning
As you leave me in your
Unbroken rearview
Cigarette out the window
Smiling the whole way
And never looking back

Man I swear she's just like tons of girls, she expects the free drinks
I go to your room every weekend
It's been this way for
As long as I can remember
And we hang out
And play drinking games
And I play "beertender"
For the both of us
Pulling almost cold Natty's
Out of your alphabet patterned fridge
And I fall more in love with you
And I think you fall more in love with me
And we take another sip
Drinking whiskey, she likes ***** strong
And your girlfriend hates me
With you
When you put your arm on my waist
Or you pull me so close
And then let one hand linger
On my *** when you pull away
Or rapping in each others' faces
Or stealing your snapback
Just to make you
Steal it again
And she can't stand when you push my hair
Behind my ear
To whisper song lyrics to me
My clothing's on, we both did wrong, I gotta go that's what I told her*
And none of the
Three of us
Ever do anything
To stop it

When I was a child
I used to read pop up books
Of fairy tales
Always reading too fast
Skipping to the happy ending
I drew myself as the perfect princess
Long hair and a big heart
So ready to find a prince
In silver paper armor
That I didn't read into you
Rather, skipping to a
Less than happy
Ending
There were ***** of secrets
That you gently folded over
Like Mad magazine covers to hide
Your little mistakes
Folded neatly between our highlights
But one flaw became a ribbon that I pulled
And pulled
Until the full picture was open
A ruined page unable to be ripped from
My spine
No matter how hard I tried
I've looked it over so many times
It's memorized
So every time you try to turn the page
I see the words before my eyes
Until all lines blur with tears
Until I have to set us on a dusty old shelf
And hope I can forget
Where I left you

Hopeful lights turn off
For the night
Wishing on unseen lucky stars
For a small respite
Before the next battle
Tomorrow
You want real darkness
Without bright monitors
And flashing lights
But some wounds are too severe
And must mend before the 'morrow
One green light shines
Like a beacon
Your saving grace
Releasing a sweet numb
Making you forget
A little
About how bad it all feels
Whatever makes the pain go away
And you lay waiting
Rallying
Hoping tomorrow will come faster
Whatever the outcome
Of the next battle

Your unpursed lips
Slam against mine
Flattening them
Holding them still
While the rest of us
Moves too fast
I breathe in your scent
Of nicotine and Jack
Quickly
When your strong hands
Suddenly pull
My jeans down my thighs
My own hands drag your sweatshirt
Over your head
And your hands are the only thing covering me
Everywhere
At once
With motions I'm unaware of
You guide me to
The pristine white comforter
Thrown on when I heard your knock
You toss it back
Revealing the mess underneath
And without a second thought
You dive right in
Pulling me with you

I had no idea
What I was getting into

And I'm still sleeping in the same sheets
Unclean
From our sleepless night
The used comforter
Crumpled up
At the end of the bed
Mirroring the curled up corpse
Of what you have left of me

What does it feel like?
My little sister asked
Fourteen
Beautiful
The innocent smile
Of a still naive child
Who’s never felt anything more
Than sweaty palms
In a big echoing gym
Forced to dance with an
Awkward eighth grade boy
For phys ed credit
And embarassment
What does love feel like?

Love is the awkward silences
The first time you hang out
And neither of you knowing what to say
Love is being best friends
Love is racing down back roads at night
Windows down
Music blaring
Slamming on the horn
And flashing headlights
And raising hell
Love is pulling an all nighter
To spend one last night together
Even though you have to work
At 5 am
Love is drinking Yoohoo together
Love is sending stupid videos
And care packages
Because his laughter
Is your favorite song
Love is his huge smile
He only shows you
After you tell one of your jokes
That no one else
Thinks are funny
Love is hugs
And smiles
And texts
And sniped photos
And late night phone calls
And life advice
Love is the tears
And the trust
And not wanting to be
With anyone else
Love is being impatient
Wanting to see him again
Before he even leaves
And love is knowing
Every time you’re staring at brake lights
That you’re too perfect to pass up
Probably

So I turn to my sister
Nineteen
Pretty
The watery smile
Of someone too young
To have been through so much
Who’s never known anything
Close to the perfection I seek
Only liars and cheaters
Who’ve left me broken
And empty
And I tell her
Love is

I’ve been in love with you for months
From the moment I met you
My heart stopped
But you were in love with someone else
And our paths didn’t cross
For months
And I’d forgotten about you

But one drunken night
I ended up in your room
And you kicked off your shoes
And asked me to lay down
On your pastel floral couch
So with my cheek on your chest
We talked and we talked
For what felt like hours
Then slowly
You slipped your hand
Just
Under the bottom of my shirt
I looked up at you
And
In the smoothest way possible
You said “What up?”
And started kissing me

And my fingers tangled into your hair
And your fingers spread wide
Over my ***
And pulled me closer to you
And we couldn’t get enough
In that moment
You were everything
Everything I’d ever wanted
And needed
And I couldn’t let you go
You were my breath
What kept me alive

At least for that moment