When his lips met mine,
When I gave in to this other guy,
it all felt wrong.
His skin burnt my skin,
my hands burnt in his grip.
it all felt wrong.
There was nothing there anymore,
nothing there for me to want.
I thought maybe I could get over you.
I'll do to him what you did to me.
But it didn't turn out that way.
Because I wanted to tell him no,
to tell him I'm in love with someone else
to tell him he can go to hell.
But I realized something.
I realize that no matter how many times I say that I love you,
that I'm in love you,
that I want nobody else to know me how you do,
that none of it changes the way that you feel.
How you're never going to love anybody ever again.
How you don't want to love me,
how you want to deny me.
And no matter if I see that you do love me,
you'll deny it.
So when his skin burnt my skin,
I let it burn.
I did not try to extinguish it.
Because you wouldn't care if he had me or not.

But once he left, I fell into my own arms.
I fell into my own arms, and I cried.
Because he will never matter to me.
Because no matter how badly he wants me,
I do not want him.
I want you.
My tears fell, and I held myself.
Because you weren't there to hold me,
and you never will be able to.

Depression, anxiety
and everything in between
these are the things that trouble me
these are the things that burden me
these are the things that destroy me

I've always avoided asking for help.

The thought that I might have to ask somebody for help...
it made me feel lesser,
it made me feel weaker,
it made me feel stupid.

I mean how can a human being who is supposed to be so smart,
need help with something?

at least that's what I've always told myself.
I've always told myself that if I needed help I didn't do it right,
I didn't listen well enough,
I didn't try hard enough.
I didn't try.

If I need help, I shouldn't bother asking.
Because you can't fix broken.

But today, I realized something else.

I'm not afraid of asking for help.
Sure, I can take advice and I can listen well,
and I can get good grades and I can work real hard.

I go to therapy every week.
I always think that it's helping.

But then I have a breakdown again. And it breaks me down.
I have to scream, I can't breathe, I have to cry, I have to sob.
I feel like my insides are being ripped out.
I feel like there's a demon inside me
that is constantly trying to get out.
That's what my panic attacks and anxiety attacks are like.

But every week, I go to my therapist and I tell him I'm doing fine.

Because he asked me how I'm doing, and I'm doing fine.

But I am not fine.


I think I'm so afraid
of asking for help,

*because what if you can't help me?

I know her eyes, I know her eyes, I know her eyes.
I've stared into them for every hour of every day, I've carried her in my heart, in my soul.
I know her eyes.
They aren't the same.
They aren't ablaze.
They are not her eyes.
I've stared at the glassy exterior that covers her eyes, I've stared at the round cheeks and the thin hands. I've stared at the soft appearance of her skin and I regret every hour of every day for all the moments I lose not being able to hold her.
I carried her for months, supporting her until she could breathe and once she started taking those breaths, everything went wrong.

And she was gone.

I stare into the pictures of her for hours every moment that I can but still, it's not enough. it's never enough.
And I regret each and every day that I can't hold her, that I can't stare into her big, round, hazel eyes; and there's a new she now, one who's eyes aren't hazel, one who's skin doesn't look as soft, one who was able to breathe right and still continues to. And I guess it's a blessing but it feels like a curse, because I know her eyes and *they are not the same.

And so, she said

"There will be pain tonight,
an unbelievable amount of pain
that not even the stars know as they supernova,
that not even the earth knows
as it's land is torn in two by quakes,
that not even the sky knows
as it is ripped apart by lightening.
It is a pain that is unleashed from the very depths of the soul
and leaves the thinnest traces of its mark
on the exterior of the human body.

"It is a constant torrential downpour,
a constant tsunami of grief;
it is a pain that will be known
by the most fearsome of men.
It is a wrath that lashes its victims,
leaving nothing in its remains."

It's here again.
panic panic panic panic

Each breath a stab in the lungs,
making me feel breathless.

My heart pumping, thumping, pumping.
Blood rushing through the veins faster than before,
chasing the adrenaline
which was rushing to spread throughout my body.

My brain is moving a mile a minute,
racing my thoughts to the finish line.

I'm shaking now, I can't feel my hands.
Is this what it's like to join the dance?
I've heard a lot about it,
they often call it a tango.

You're dancing with the devil,
he's run his nail down your arm and spread his poison

I'm having a panic attack.

panic panic panic panic panic panic

Breathe deep. Breathe deep. Breathe.

Take a breath.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe deep.

Breaths I take.

Take a breath.
Take my life.

No, wait that's not right.

I'm dancing with the devil tonight.
Afterall, who doesn't like the tango?

All your lies and all your pain
following dreams you'll only break
on this road for way too long

But when it's said and done
there really was no way we could have won
the cracked glass shatters to the floor
reminding me that life always gives a cure

All you know is home
with a heart that doesn't want to be alone
with a heart that doesn't want to lose it's song

But when it's said and done
there really was no way we could have won
the cracked glass shatters to the floor
reminding me that life always gives a cure

And I know you had to go
Had to get yourself back home

But when it's said and done
there really was no way we could have won
the cracked glass shatters to the floor
reminding me that life always gives a cure

there were words I couldn't speak,

words I couldn't see,

feelings I couldn't find,

feelings I couldn't hide.

The day you said you loved me,
the day you walked away,
the day you said I'd come to find
no one else could make me feel this way.

I believed every word you said.
I believed you now and I believed you then.
The difference between us, is you still left.

I stayed, for two years
and when you finally said you loved me
I saw all my dreams becoming true.

Then I saw her. She just showed up.
The only person besides me you kept in your life.
So for months I let the torment work its way through my body
until I was simply rotting.

Every time I tried to explain the hurt that bounced around inside
all I managed to do was start a fight.
But I loved you, and I love you,
and I tried my very best,
until one day my insides tore, and I was now an external mess.
As my insides poured out into all the wrong places,
I felt the burning sting of pain beneath my sleeve.
The wounds reopened, as I was closing.
My arms were cut to bleed.