external validation
it's your drug of choice

it starts with
gold stars for
good behavior

the seed to please
it just grows and grows
into a wild jungle vine

gold stars turn into
compliments and "likes"
it feels so nice
but it's not

because you
need it
more and more
you have to
win the award

it controls you
and you don't
even know
who you
are anymore

They said my lines were weak
So I learned not to speak
     I decided not to speak

Now the lines are stuck in my mind
Driving me insane
Stay in your lane

I'm a girl who loves to dance
Yet too afraid to give it a chance
Utterly bored with myself
Wishing to purely connect

Aching for
the courage
the tools
the words
To get out of this rut

All my ideas swirl into gray lines
That fill my mind
And fuel the emptiness
That keeps me from feeling alive
Left only with a penchant for pleasing

I just laugh it off
Then cry dry tears at night
Where did I go?
Can you see me?
I'm lost in the monotony
Can you save me?
Can I save me?

my legs are closed now
so it's all through to you

you say:
what a night
you're fantastic
well
that was fun
while it lasted

I say:
oh yeah
well
go on now
get gone

but despite my efforts
to deny it
to hide it

my young heart
is ripped open,
in two
because
it's through

wondering your answers
to the questions
left behind
in my mind

what's your middle name?
where do you take proper girls
on a first date?
am i just a flake,
full of hate?

do you have a favorite
cursive letter?
if you loved someone,
when would you tell her?

how will you make a living?
(certainly not by drinking)

does your mother know you're
a lying lush?
do you know that you're
a lousy ****?

will you remember me?
i hope to forget you soon
although it's doubtful
but i have to
to get my soul full
again

wondering the answers
until I indulge once more
and my heart is torn
into 4, then 8
until it disintegrates

I say:
go on
get gone
don't make
me late

sweetest girl
my greatest joy is
watching your
imagination grow
I'm honored to
be a spectator to
how it unfolds

even when it frightens you
because that unfortunately
is the cost of creativity

but don't try to stop it
that will only weigh down
your effervescent spirit
that would only mix your
true colors to ashy grey

I'll hold your hand
walk you through
the gravel and sand
and remind you to
appreciate the grand

your wonder
delights me
I can't wait
to see how you
surprise me

you know that
I wear my crazy
on my sleeve.

it's best if
you just
let me be.

aren't there other
train wrecks
for you to go
and see?

if you really
love me,
then leave.

because there
isn't anything
here to see.

buried among
other favorites
you sing to me
about the girl
I used to be
beautiful
yet
reckless
oblivious
preoccupied with
my own
pain or gain
so naive

I dreamed then
I was naked
I dream now
I'm behind the
steering wheel
but the car's
driving me
out of control
out to sea

I hear your voice
and I want you
to come over
and wrap your
arms around me
I've grown older now
I'd never let you down

but then, too soon
the music changes
**** ******* jagger
reminds me
I've already
found what
I need

but instead of
being comforting
the choir, that chorus
it mocks me
and
it taunts me

maybe I will blow
a 50-amp fuse
I'm tired of
the self-abuse

I already have
what I need
but I think
you're what
I want

you're what
I feel
but it's
not real

just a bit of wine
but now i'm lying
flat out in a straight line
face pressed against the cold tile
looking over to catch your smile
because we both know
we'll be here for awhile
and that's just fine
i start to cry
because, ****
it's a beautiful sight
right?

you loving me for me
it's crazy
both of us forever free
to be whoever
we want to be
and we still choose
to stand
side by side
each time.

you know i'm right.

you're used to the game
we're all guilty of playing

when she doesn't really
mean what she's saying

but, oh no, love, not me

I want to know your soul
what song does it sing?

Driving on bridges
Over rivers
To see the sea
And
Breathe the
Salty breeze

Mind the
Posted signs
That advise
Who decides
The rules
Anyway
Who knows
If they’re
Good for me
Anyway

Maybe I peak
At 80
While you go 60
Coasting by
The coast

Driving on bridges
Over rivers
To see the sea
And
Breathe the
Salty breeze

Boy
You better throw
Me over your shoulder
And lay it on me so thick
Tell me all the ways that I glow
Because I’m slipping
Even JD and KB are starting
To laugh at me

My inner world is weird
When I let go of
My inhibitions
My inner weird
becomes
Outer weird
And I get shy
Don’t be ashamed
Of your weird
Girl
Because your weird
Is what makes you
Your weird
Is your weird
And maybe
It’s not
That weird
After all
Maybe it’s not
That weird
After all

I like your style
I love you more
forever
Always
Times infinity
Lisa Frank
Rainbow kitties
Oh that’s my favorite
Kind.
Don’t lose
Your smile doodle
Cause you’re one of a kind
I like your style
Glitter, neon, it glows

trapped inside
the invisible cage
that confines me

coated in sweet vanilla
that satisfies their taste
plastered with beautiful images
that bring them comfort

but constructed with irons of
uncertainty
fear
shame
not what I really am

underneath it all
behind the wall
I'm still here
with the real

but I'm slowly losing
my might
to continue fighting
this fight

but all she wrote was
"be your true self"
nothing else
my first piece of advice
in this life she gave me
my only birthright

so something
must be done

find the key
tear down the wall
set your true self
free

(and be loud
make mama proud)

i hope your
i hate you's
turn into
thank you's
and your
*******'s
turn into
love you's
one day

even though
you hurt so
i hope you
see what I do
one day

I'm selfish
it's true
I don't want
to lose you

pressed pause
hopeful to make time
for you to realize
you're not that small

i'm sorry for my haste
i know how you hate it
how i always want
to save you

i hope the pause
doesn't prolong
the misery
but helps you to see
the amazing

if one day never comes
see you in my dreams
feel you in the beats
here's the space
you requested

even if you stay
bitter forever
know i'm here
always
never say never
i love you
as fiercely as ever

overgrown
lawn
or
fairy
garden
you choose

Katie runs around the tree
Then into the open
Laughing so freely
But it took her through
The ground
And now I took that
Oak to hold my
Whisky sweet
Because **** it
I need it
And Kelly went to
the field to play
But decided
She couldn’t stay
I hope they made it
Where they were headed
Because
The weight took them
Down too soon
Into the ground
Into the ground
Into the ground

Tight yellow mini dress
Girl I see you
In your iridescent
ombré bedazzled
Thigh high boots

Standing by your
Run down ride
With a half smile
And a blonde weave
gone bad

Trying to be
Someone you’re not
Just to get him hot
Just to get them hot

Girl I see you
Pouring oil that will just burn
You’re gonna burn up
Girl I see you
You’re gonna burn up
It’s gonna burn up

Let's carve
beautiful arbors
Then set them
ablaze
And watch them
burn to the ground

Let's build
intricate machines
Then break them
apart
And count all
their little pieces

Let's write
clever rhymes
Then erase them
away
And stare at
the blank page

Let's paint
mystic scenes
Then water them
awash
And then feel
the wet blur

Fantasy has always been
my Achille’s heel
You’re just an ideal
with *** appeal
Not real

A sticky note somewhere
Reminds me to be aware
of what’s next to do

Instead
my bad habit I pursue
Getting lost in a daydream
featuring you

We live on different continents
You don’t even know I exist
Yet I still imagine the
taste of your kiss

You’re so lovely
This isn’t reality
But I think
I’ll stay here awhile
Where I can smile
Where I never cry

One sixteen
You had me
Two sixteens
You needed me
Three sixteens
And you were gone
When I almost
Found you
I lost you
Before I knew you
So long

I miss
the slow dances
the awkward glances
the heat of the chase
the pace to anticipate

as the world stops, unwinds
when you find
yourself
falling in love
for the first time.

Oh sweet Marci
I cried in my dreams
For your tears
Though day comes and
Chemicals keep
my eyes dry
I want blank dreams
Where I don’t have
To feel anything
I want blank dreams
I want blank dreams

Do you love me now
like you loved me then
When we kissed
under a trumpet or
cornucopia of nails

Cos this love song
Is still for you
Cos growing old
With you is cool

Do you love me now
Like you loved me then
When you tagged
That overpass
That doesn’t even
exist anymore

Cos this love song
Is still for you
Cos this love song
Is still for you

It feels like
We’ve known each other
Longer than
We haven’t known each other
And it’s been a long time
That we’ve been
More than just lovers

It’s been such a long time
Since liquid courage
Wouldn’t let us miss
That awkward first kiss
And you made all my
Dreams come true
You graffitied
all over my heart
With grand gestures
And we kissed underneath
A canopy of stars
To seal the deal
to forever.

Lately we’re floundering
In the doldrums of the
Day-to-day
We fight with light hearts
I say you’re a lush
And you say I’m a flake

We’re buried in
Responsibilities
Slaves to the needs
Of tiny dictators
We created with our love
While trying to catch
Fleeting magical moments
To hold onto
When we miss them
Once they’re grown
And it’s just me and you
Again

I try to fake it to make it
But my heart is getting heavy
And I can’t take it anymore

Secretly I stand behind a window
Watching sweat fall off your face
As you weld and work
In the sparks
Well one’s landed
And I can feel a new fire
Rising up inside of me for you
It’s burning up all my energy
I can’t focus on anything but you

I’m begging you
Take my hand
Because
I love you now
More than
I loved you then

Tick tock
The clock is ticking
Let’s not
Waste away
With the bickering
Let’s take it back to
The beginning

Forget all the *******
Because it’s still
just me and you
I’m only for you
Always only for you
Still only for you

We fight
With a light heart
I say
You’re a lush
Ha ha
Ha ha
You say
I’m a flake
Ha ha
Ha ha
Let’s fake it
And make it
Again
Because
My heart’s
getting
Too heavy
I can’t
Take it

They say
Conform
to the norm
Just shut up
And go along

They say
The world is
Not kind
To differences
So fall in line

They say
Stand up
Assert, assert
Be alert
Hate is going
To take you

I say
**** ‘em, **** it
I’m gonna make it
In my own way

I say
It’s a mistake
To think
Sweet means weak
Or
Kind means blind
Because I see it all
And still choose to lose
Sometimes
Because that’s love
I am for real

A world where
Cigarettes
Are good for your
Lungs
And don’t smell
Like smoke
And knowledge
Can be installed
With WiFi
Connected to your
Brain
Like digital
Osmosis
All the pleasures
All the reward
With no work

Hold your babies
Tight tonight
For the ones
We watched
Drown in
The sorrow
Of their
Mamas and papas

Taken by the
Current of
injustice
And hate
That we
Too easily
turn a blind eye to

I can’t unsee this
How can you pretend
To not see this?
To see this and
Stay still
With thoughts
And prayers
And other niceties

So don’t hold
Your babies
Too tight tonight
Because
We have a
Fight to fight
There’s a  
fight to fight
For what’s right

There are people
Dying in vain
Drowning in sorrow
In the tears of
Innocence
While the world
Stays still

They deserve love
And the outstretched
Hand we were built with
Not waiting in cages
While plans for further
Division are drawn

Still we are still
What the ****
Is wrong with US?

Oh baby boy
You’re so fine
We waste these
Early days away
Giggling at our ways
My face is your favorite
I’m so glad
You’re only mine

Can’t I stop the clock
And keep you
Little a little bit longer
Can’t you stay little just
A little bit longer

Time keeps slipping
Through my fingers
Even though I’m
Thinking fast
Trying to find a way
To keep you
Little a little bit longer
To make more days
In our favorite places
Staring into our
favorite faces

My heart aches
Because I know
some day
I’ll be over fifty
You might live
in a different city
And tell someone else
That their face is
your favorite thing
And I’ll be forced to sing
Bittersweet melodies

It’s so cruel that
I can’t stop the clock
And keep you little just  
A little bit longer

My chest is over his face
His hands are underneath my skirt
And I’m blissfully addicted
To the pain of the pleasure
That feels so good but wrong
It’s such a quick fix
An antidote for barely living

Roll over, sleep, wake, eat
Work work work
With blood shot eyes
Cycle again
Repeat repeat repeat
To the bar with the brick wall
Drink dance stairs surveil
Drink dance stairs surveil
Hot boys, I gotta go stare

Until they notice me
I’d do almost anything
For them to notice me
And pour quick concrete
Into my cracks
Before I crumble back into
The ground that created
All the oceans and seas

My game is weak
But I’m pretty and sweet
Up the stairs
Drink wink drink
Drink wink drink
Signals made to leave
I stay sitting on the curb
Crying salty bourbon tears
*******’ about how
Jack Daniel’s the only man
Who never lets me down
While I’m busy lettin’
Everyone else down

Then the brick wall
Starts to sparkle
And tells an old story of
my red red blood
in the grass
And the shards of glass
That were left in
my lovely heart-shaped face

But tonight there’s no space
In my mind for melancholy  
I only miss the party
And the pain of the pleasure
That felt so good but wrong

I’ve found new ways
To self-destruct
in my more mature age
But they only make
my heart ache
I want to feel
Good but wrong again
Good but wrong again

It’s morbid
I know
But I can’t
Ignore it
I can’t seem to
Shake this
Feeling
That I’m
Living
On borrowed
Time
Destined
To die young
But keep trekking
Down this
Slippery *****

So sad
Watching
You hate
Your life
When we
Built it
Together
So sad
Seeing
You hurt
So sad
That I'm so
Caught in
My own
Feelings
Ego centric
That I'm not
Helping
When you
You've always
Been by
my side
I'm so
Scared
To lose you
Too caught up
In it being
My fault
To lift
You up
Give some
Support
I'm so sad
I'm so sad
Today
Loving you