it’s a loneliness that stems from a lack of growth i know my worth most importantly i know what it isn’t i can’t say what i’m missing other than i’m missing what i thought i lost but i’m discovering that i may have never had it no one is invaluable i know my worth and i know where i don’t deserve to be and i hate that my heart doesn’t understand me he was right i really don’t know myself but i really think i do i think my pain is all my own it’s a hammer to the rib cage trying to nail down this feeling i think it’s guilt but i’ve done nothing wrong except fail. yes i’ve definitely done that.
mt. i don’t deserve what i have. i’m too quiet and incoherent. i let everyone and myself down and i’m trying to pick us back up but it’s so ******* heavy.
this morning the sunlight was heavy the air was like a blanket and my brain told me to rise but my eyes, they told me to rest i did both and thus, found a february peace on the sidewalks.
i am not different i am nothing like you i am nothing but sorry i am temporary but i am in denial i am listening and listening and listening i am so many things i am nineteen and i am out of answers and i am trying still.
i'm just really exhausted and the weather has me incredibly depressed. i need to go back to therapy.
in myself i find the desire to exist in such a manner that requires nothing of me other than softness and kindness and yet in myself i find only a bitterness and sourness and that boring, bland sadness that had never really left and was only just hiding because it was afraid of the light and i had been fighting my way to the sun for so long but it’s so bright and i’m so tired and the darkness from before sounds like such a comfortable home to return to
i’m sorry i’m not who i think i am. was i ever?
n and k. your judgement and disdain has sent me into a spiral. i’m inclined to believe that it was always my own fault anyway.
i burned up in a house fire with a home made of cardboard the floor made of grass i want cotton on my ankle can he hold me please can me be gentle with my shattered pieces i know you can be i miss you from three feet away and if i fall asleep before i can tell you i’m proud i’ll just tell you tomorrow.
jcl. the smell of smoke four hours away from where we used to be.
i haven’t changed at all since the day i was born my hair got longer i got a little taller but i’m still unexperienced and afraid crying in a room with my parents except this time they don’t even notice.
college money and how to get it. i’m honestly just being dramatic but today has been such a low, low day. i’m sorry if she always cries on the way home, but to be fair, she is always the reason.
my friend told me once that it’s nice to see that smile of mine again the one that reaches my eyes and my fingertips it came back when i found this freedom this open space of a place she said i was bright again i think the sun behind my smile is you
jcl. you sent me this video today and it didn’t seem relevant to anything and it was called “asking people out” and it was funny but not like That funny and it just makes me wonder and i know i’m reading too far into this but at least let me think it while i fall asleep. i still love you, you know.
i said i am really sorry and what i meant was i love you more than my heart can handle it had been all about me and then you took the stand and losing my breath never felt so romantic do you know? do you know? i can’t apologize for the way my attention is always and only on you you know you know every day i thank the lord that you exist i’m sure you hear the prayers i can’t describe it you are so much you are everything thank you for crying and thank you for being mine but in some secret kind of way you’ll never know how much you mean to me just know that you are the least replaceable person that i have ever met and every time i say goodnight i’m really begging you to stay.
jcl. i will never stop loving you, mostly because i will never be able to.
i think the ocean is alive and thinking all the while the ambivalent recollection in the mirror looks at me and thinks “yes i truly will love you forever” i know so cause she told me.
my heart is wrung out and exhausted i know that neither fake teeth nor grisly scars are innocent in this home but the good news is that it’s not really a home anymore so you don’t have to worry about that.
m. he’s going to be the ******* end of you and you won’t listen when i tell you he’s lighting a match at the end of your rope.
he’ll tell me to breathe but i already will be still i’ll listen for the soft, cruel memories and their retreat it’s never a battle just a wandering army watering plants that look as if they’ll outgrow me one day i hope to live to see the maple rise and think back to when my fingers were wrapping themselves in cobwebs just to see what kind of dust they’d discover one day our town will be far behind me but it has always been proof of what lies ahead.
acting. theatre is my passion; i truly am watering the seeds of my future. it will be bigger than i can even dream.
seventy two degrees cross cross on the hardwood floor bohemian rhapsody and moscato sangria we spent the first minute of 2019 clinking plastic champagne cups and making noise i hope they heard us in hunstville we’re the type to cheer for other time zones too i loved giggling and starting something new i hope new year’s eve comes around again next year too
some of my closest friends sipping champagne and roasting to the new year. i love them all.
i was underwater. swimming with the fishes with the stories of names i’ll never quite be able to place and then you dove in with me just as i was wading to the edge. you swam around the room a rainbow trout amidst schools of minnows i love them all but you’re just such a pretty color.
i let my feet dangle in the water as you kept diving deeper you’d look at me from across the sea send a wave toward my shore i feel it crashing into me even now.
standing beside me both of us swimming in different depths you looked right into my eyes. i knew if i just held you there for a little longer. just a little. i felt like the moon dragging you toward me
i swear to god you almost kissed me. i swear to god i would have let you.
k. i went to a party and i wish i would have held your gaze a little longer. i know you would have done it.
you say “let’s go for a drive, put the top down” and i do and i drive and you tell me to slow down that i’m doing it wrong and that sounds like a perfect example of who we are now. i gotta stop thinking it will be like the other times before things fell apart. it hurts me more than it hurts you and i know it hurts you more than anything.
god i just feel so distant from all of you after a carload carpool back from my paradise i suddenly stopped feeling anything about you except guilty and sorry that i was there i know i did nothing (wrong) but ruin everything i used to know i would be sad if you didn’t choose me in the end but i’m not so sure anymore because it feels like i’ve stopped choosing you
the beach and my girls. i’m sorry i’m always like this.
while the lady in the ballroom hikes up her sparkly dress and tosses a drink in the face of her lover and the prince has his eye on a slim, red little starlet who tosses his head back with laughter and cunning the little mouse darts between their feet learning more about patience, courage, and forgiveness than the owners of the shoes will ever ever know.
we all put eggshells in our mouths and beg for company while we change the world big changes are made by small footsteps they forget to tell you that in the shoe store we’d rather turn ourselves to stone than turn to face the mirror i am not nervous but terrified but i’ll embrace the machine anyway
i’m flying out to california in a few hours. it’s exciting and absolutely terrifying. wish me luck.
i make my bed in a garden my friends are flowers and they’re blooming and i’m still obsessed with decay my body is not enough how can i be the hero when i’m living inside the villain?
inspired by car park by fenne lily. “and maybe i should tell you that i’ve villainized my body for too long.” it’s a song that makes too much sense to me. this line made me burst into tears. i hadn’t realized until recently how much i am disgusted by my body.
how could i possibly explain that i love you because you nod your head when you listen to music or that you make a face when you make a mistake?
it could take me years scouring dictionaries and images to recreate the feeling that i get when i watch you concentrate
it would take too long to tell someone the whole truth about how your scribbles on paper look like something written in the stars
i accidentally listened to a beautiful song for the first time sitting across from you and now it's yours
i accidentally became someone new for the first time sitting across from you and now i'm yours
jcl. title from the song "grow as we go" by ben platt. you don't know i'm writing this right now across from you. i'll never stop being in love with you, even from a distance.
our bodies were made for dirt and dust to glimmer in those early morning sunbeams and the colors that shine through crystals to settle on shelves around the edges of picture frames and trophies to cradle seeds that will crack open and reach for the sun to get underneath fingernails and be swept into dustpans and reclaim the nature that being alive makes us forget we’ll be dirt and dust when we’re dead so for now just try to appreciate the bodies that came before you
i like to say “****” in my poems i guess i think it makes me sound serious like this time i really mean it honestly? i’m just looking for a way to say that i’m tired but i’m still so, so ready to keep living.
it’s that song that puts you in a pillow soft sadness i press my face to the window and look down at the street and imagine falling in love to this tune in my head it’s snowy and my hands miss something i’ve never held but i’ll hold it soon i’m sure. i love this misfortune and i’m grateful for every minute.
listening to folk music with bell at 1am in the library on the last day of classes. this is one of those good times. i'm so grateful for my ability to feel things.
i could just put on your jacket i shouldn’t but i will i’ll explain that it’s cold outside that i just didn’t want to carry it or i don’t know maybe i could finally admit that i think you should just let me keep it i think it’ll end up in my closet someday anyway
jcl. too high up to drop back down to the level of reality in which we never happen. in addition, i didn’t realize how familiar with the smell of you that i had gotten, but your jacket makes it seem as if you’re here. you make me so happy.
i am a creature of shame i sold my own name for the sweet sweet price of comfort in the arms of a mother and a father and a brother and only dust remains i am a creature of shame
i am a creature of guilt if you will not then i will and then i will repent the way i was intended to do apologize to you but the words fall still i am a creature of guilt
i will just waste away like puddle into bed frame and with your arms around me i am filling in my grave here i lie united with the dirt not quite six feet under cause if it’s shallow i’ll return
but i am a creature of the earth now i will nourish and rejoice now for i am one with my creature of passion rise from the ashes until nothing remains i am a creature all the same
it’s been a while. so much has changed. i’m better and worse.
all the doors swing so easily i come out sadder than i went in it isn’t what’s in the frame it’s what’s beyond it that truly paints a picture i can’t blame you for making it worse when that’s all anyone ever did for you
m. not sure why i ever expect anything that has never happened.
He told me I was his best friend I’m sure it was just like on campus and I d him he was my best friend which is true like on campus and he’s so kind and sweet and I love him so much He’s the Jake to my Amy Kylie said he was Lindsay Lohan and I was his Aaron like right off the bat no question and we’re a pair He makes me so happy He wasn’t going to drive but he drove me nd didn’t drink because of that even though I told him we could switch and I felt bad because he had fun at mtsu but he told me it was okay and he kept saying it and I love and value him so much He dealt with me drunk and he’s so cute His face is so sparkly I want to hold his hand Imagine if I did I sat beside him on the couch and we were close and pressed against each other and he eventually moved later to another chair and I know that it’s because he didn’t like it but omfg what if he just knows better bc he feels things I know it’s not true but I’m writing my drink thoughts I left my gum at Hannah’s house but it’s okay I had approx 3 cups of wine and a cup of *****/7 up/cranberry juice and half a cup of *****/dr pepper I love him. I just do. It’s a fact. I’m so fixing grateful that we’re friends. I’m a ******* “You’re my best friend too, I don’t talk toanyone” “Really?” “Yeah” “Ok ok say it again” “I don’t talk to anyone” “No the first thing” “You’re my best friend” “*** I love u I’m gonna give u a hug from back here thank you for driving everything and I love u and I’m gonna miss you -“ “I’ll miss you too” “And just thank you” That was the convo before he drove away and I went inside and I sent some messages to him and I’m sitting in my cozy room still tipsy and thinking about him and that’s all
Even sober, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. He may be it. I sat with him on the couch all night and I don’t remember a lot but I remember us laughing and me looking him in the eye and loving him unconditionally. I felt like we had been disconnected for a little while but I’ll really never stop loving him he’s the Jake to my Amy I’m definitely Amy and he’s definitely Jake and i hope one way we end up with each other sometimes I wonder what will happen after we graduate but I love him and try not to think about it but either way I love him and that’s all.
That’s really all. He’s home safe and I couldn’t be happier. What if he kissed me
What would that be like
I imagined it a lot tonight
I don’t remember much from tonight but I remember looking at him and just loving him. He’s everything to me. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I’m going to sleep watching Brooklyn 99 and the fact that he loves this show is so amazing. He’s perfect. I’m trying to stop typing but I can’t.
I bought his water tonight. Didn’t notice until later that he couldn’t drink because he was driving. He had a swig if ***** but didn’t feel anything. I told him I knew he would and he didn’t believe me but I knew he would. Maybe I really do know him.
I wonder if I’ll be hungover probably
Reminder to self look back at messages to Endia kaylinn as Jacob just to make sure you weren’t stupid
I love Endia I’m glad she knows that now and I’m glad she told me she loves me too and I told her that I was always surprised that she didn’t and that she defended it it makes me feel so good to know that she really does value me like that
I’m laying/lying down goodnight I love Jacob and Endia and kaylinn and Kylie and bell and Val and Kyle and Hannah and Evan and Maryellen and Mackenzie and Denee and Jenna and myself <3
My lips are still numb
jcl and others. i’m drunk at this very moment. i’ll delete this later but i really do love him.
can you imagine the airwaves skeleton wires ghosts that say hello say goodbye can you imagine the tree branches spider legs bees that buzz about buzz inside can you imagine the grief you lose your muse get blues lose your i-love-you-toos if they’re gone. can you imagine what that would mean. the words whispered through telephone lines can you imagine the airwaves skeleton wires ghosts that don’t say much anymore at all?
if you were a ghost, i know you'd haunt me. god, i wish you'd haunt me.
it’s 7:56. i’m thinking about you that’s pretty much what i do these days think about things like your laugh the way you makes me feel why i’m thinking about you again things like that. i think about you talking to me in another room away from everyone else. i think about exactly what you said. “i really appreciate how easy you are to get along with.”
and that was the moment. i know it seems like an odd thing to fall in love with but so am i.
i think you about so hard that i feel it in my chest i dream about you while i’m awake i think i’ve loved you for years. it feels like i’ve been yours for decades.
sometimes i miss the sirens they used to send spirals through my bedroom window out here the crickets can be so suffocating always i miss the people always always i miss the people they were mine, they were good to me sometimes a lonely living room can still have people in it back home, that is you'd think it would be difficult to be lonesome when you have so many people at your fingertips but i'm the living proof that it happens every day.
m. this isn't about you, this is about what you keep me from. it's not your fault. i'm sorry that it feels so much like it is.
eu lhe adoro tanto quanto o sol adora o mar está chovendo mas eu ainda posso ver vé-la brilhando ela não é uma rival ela nos assiste com amor que mesma maneira eu lhe assiste.
minha futura amada. eu quero de escrever mais em portuguese; é uma bela língua.
your smell is stuck in my head i made it up but i know it’s true
i daydream of your hands on my cheeks your lips on my lips my fingers in your hair and i can smell it
you sing strawberries and watermelons but you smell like firewood and ink its my most absurd fantasy that you could find a piece of me to love so i’ll keep your voice in my ears and let you sing me to sleep with that sugar and salt melody
if it burns my tongue then so be it.
is this about harry styles and his new album? i’ll never tell.