i remember all the nights you wanted to die and was almost unlucky enough to pull it off.

I remember on June 30th when I was in the passenger seat of the car and I couldn't hear anything but ringing my ears

It took two or three drives around to find out where you were, I remember seeing you from distance and I couldn't believe my eyes

You looked so beautiful, like the first time I looked at a photo of you on my phone screen but times a million, god you looked so beautiful.

I don't want to watch you step on the plane after we lock our lips for the last time for a long time

For the past week I've fallen sleep at 6 or 7 am and I would give anything to go to bed at a decent time

Last night I fell to the kitchen floor getting a drink and started twitching and shaking

It felt like fear had stabbed his dagger through my chest

I went to my room, laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling for 5 minutes wishing I could be ****** into space and not deal with the fear anymore

even though i'm happy in my current relationship even though we argue a lot, i think about killing myself every day. but, not because of her of course. mostly because of the stress of school and thinking every day that she's going to dump me and i don't think i'll be able to deal with heartbreak again. i don't want anyone else but her.

I was cleaning my room and i found a small box with a poorly carved heart

in it were polaroids we took and a note you left me the night you left a year ago

and i began to wonder why did i keep the note

why did i keep the only reminder i have of the night i lost everything

"its not you its me" how ******* cliche

when i finished reading i felt as if i had been punched in the gut

there was just a deafening silence  

3 months later i walk into the coffee shop downtown and im in the sitting area writing stupid poems and i hear a sweet and soothing voice and i glance over and the girl in the apron behind the counter has completely blown me away

i look for like 6 seconds and she looks so i look away in an instant

i come back the next day and maybe this day ill have the courage to ask her out

or just buy a coffee and not have the guts to have a conversation with her

im in the sitting area once more and i walk to the counter and ask for a frappe and you make it for me i thank you and i walk away, there goes all my courage

the cartoon devil and angel on my shoulder climb into my brain fighting over what i should do

eventually the angel won

luckily youre on break

i walk up to you and tell you my name and you tell me yours and after 10 minutes of getting to know one another i ask you out on a date and as anxiety wraps his hand around my throat you say yes and he loosens it

we plan a date for saturday night

i drive to your house and on the way on the highway a car flipped over with ambulances on the scene i hope the driver is okay

i pull into your driveway and i go to your door and you open it as im about to knock and ******* you look so beautiful

we go to a restaurant of your choosing that ive never been to before and we talk about our childhood, and our current lives and i pay for the check and we head out

we still have time to spare so i ask if you wanna go stargazing and you happily agree

we drive up and luckily no one else is around i turn on the radio and we lay on the hood of the car and this turns into a daily thing for after our dates

a month later we're happily together as a couple and  your family loves me and my family loves you and i stop by the coffee shop everyday to say hi and grab a cup of coffee

but forward to 7 months later as things went downhill

we were living together

you barely looked at me anymore

you never wanted to go on dates or stargazing

you were never in the shop when i came in as if you were hiding from me

i walked into my room and there was a note from you

you were leaving me

a year later I was cleaning my room and i found a small box with a poorly carved heart

in it were polaroids we took and a note you left me the night i found your note a year ago

and i began to wonder why did i keep the note

why did i keep the only reminder i have of the night i lost everything

"its not you its me" how ******* cliche

It all started with you telling me to close my eyes and that you have a little surprise for me.

We were laying in your bed with dim lights on and you grabbed my face and kissed me yet i kept my eyes closed because if i opened them ******* i would've seen the mistake i made and it would've dragged me into a self made hell i made in my imagination that was leaded by you

yet that hell would've been the only place where i felt comfortable so i opened my eyes and kissed you back to know what kissing a snake felt like

sometimes when i look at you i get chills down my body knowing that i love you but i wish i didnt

when i kissed you i closed my eyes wondering if what we had or would have one day is real

when i kiss your lips i start trembling but **** i cant help but kiss you

when i was at home alone you texted me

"hey im on my way to your house lets drive around"

we drove around talking about how big the universe is and how we're not alone and blah blah blah

then i was silent for about 20 seconds and you parked your car downtown and no one was around and you looked me in the eye and said "i love you"

i looked at you while you looked at me and said i love you too

and in my head i thought i wish i didnt

it was a week or two later we were driving to a restaurant and we held hands as you drove and your car went out of control and went off the bridge

i woke up a day later in a hospital bed with you in the bed next to mine but when i called your name something seemed a miss

your body was covered except for your hand which was hanging on the side and when i held it you were cold and i found out i was the only one who survived

at your funeral i laid a rose on your casket and told you i loved you but i wished i didnt

when i was with you were an _
i wouldnt call it a relationship
because there was no relation
although there was a ship
but you were on the bow with your arms out
and i was an anchor waiting to be dropped

i figured happiness would be my top priority, not a letter that defines my intelligence.

... and i felt you tighten the noose around my neck
and i felt you push the chair from under my legs.

we lied down on her bed
and she told me the story of how her father left
with a cigarette in her left hand
and my hand in her right
she spoke with sound of sadness and
she looks at the wall
and hangs on it is
a photo of her father
she wraps her arms around me
and she cries for what seems like
an eternity

how did i spend my 16th birthday?
listening to my parents argue

where did i go?
nowhere, just my room

was it celebrated at all?
no

was it anything to remember?
**** no

our first space date will be in over 20 years or maybe even a lot more
we'll be traveling at the speed of light
i'll be holding ur hand and then we arrive at saturns rings
i pull out the picnic basket and we have a picnic on the second biggest planet in our solar system !!
while we're eating i kiss ur cheek and tell you i love you
we fly out to the local galactic group and observe the andromeda galaxy, the second most beautiful thing ive ever seen
and then we makeout for like 20 minutes and then we travel back to planet earth

let's build a real cool fort and turn on the 1975 while we make out.

i still make 11:11 wishes and wishes on shooting stars and i know theyll come true because my only wish is to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm always afraid everyone will start hating me, when everyone already hates me.

we're all gonna die someday so love and accept everyone and everything.

When we're together we can:

- hold hands
- kiss
- listen to our favorite tunes
- be super weird
- take rlly dumb selfies
- eat at subway
- sing dumb lovey dovey songs together
- cuddle
- hug

Dear you,

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuc­kyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucky­oufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou­fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufu­ckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou

Si­ncerely, Josh

I'm being honest when I say if it wasn't for you I would have already killed myself.

I still love you mom and dad
But I feel more at home when I'm away from here
I'll never find anything in this dead place
My heart's been buried in the midwest
And I've been digging out for the past three years

You’re a very beautiful and amazing human being who is worthy of so many amazing things and in my opinion you deserve more than me because you’re a galaxy and I’m just a speck of dust

A half-baked smile and a love to pretend,
But prior to then, love was nothing more to me than a vacation,
A vacant motivation,
To avoid the means it takes to reach any real end.
A sense of salvation,
But also an element of bitter hope,
To cope with the rope that was tied around my neck.

DON'T stress out your child because of their grades
DON'T physically hit your child
DON'T call you child worthless
DON'T tell your child you're not proud of them

Your child looks up to you and sees you as their role model, don't make their future look bleak.

Hung around Quik Trip until we felt more success
Headed on the highway 5 minutes to 3
Put our location on the GPS
Had on my hood so no one could talk to me

hey babe do you wanna come over later?
listen to the 1975 and hold hands for a few hours in my bed.
we can talk about the old days when we were just friends and were just strangers.
and talk about the universe while the billions of stars around us shine.

today is just really ****** and i wish i wasn't alive to feel it

16 and 1/2 with a sadness as deep as the ocean
which you can feel yourself being dragged into slowly by the claws of depression as you attempt to escape but have found yourself in an abyss of emptiness.

my body is sober
and yours is not
my lungs aren't dead yet
but yours are close
will i ever see you again
yeah, probably not
did i ever love you?
i don't think so

we've trashed the house and now we've trashed our lives

we threw a tv out the window
left the trash can piled up
2 strangers
are sleeping on my couch
there's broken beer bottles on the top of my roof
and now there's a broken heart inside my chest

Old Gray: My Life With You, My Life Without You
Tigers Jaw: Teen Rocket
The World Is A Beautiful Place: Heartbeat In The Brain
The Story So Far: Navy Blue
Counterparts: Decay
Foxing: Inuit
Karen O: The Moon Song
Have Mercy: Living Dead
Modern Baseball: Pothole
Moose Blood: Gum
The Wonder Years: Madelyn

...and we'll kiss and laugh and talk about how we're just small specks of dust in the universe wondering what our purpose is.

i may look like i'm something on the outside,  but deep down inside i'm absolutely nothing

i'm unfortunately not worth it and i never will be.

i'm just a single star in the universe, in love with a galaxy.

why'd you only talk to me when you were high?

just thinking of you is like an atomic bomb full of flowers in my brain

dear ashley,

when looking up at the stars and the moon while laying in the grass, i cant help but imagine the warmth of your fingers intertwined with mine. the moon is bright and caught in our orbit, you're bright and caught in my orbit of love. there are over 1 trillion stars in each galaxy.. and there are millions of galaxies beyond ours. each star has a name and some are brighter than our brightest star the sun. but in my eyes you're my brightest star and your name is ashley. or baby girl, babe, etc. you shine brighter than the sun on a hot summer day. you shine brighter than a rainbow. you shine brighter than the milky way. you shine brighter than all the trillions of stars combined. you're my galaxy and observing you is my most favorite thing.

in 7 years i still won't miss your second hand smoke

the minute i kiss you my brain will stop functioning for half a second to focus on the masterpiece that is kissing the lips of its painter

our solar system is one big giant mystery

many theories have been made up

but there will be no explanation for it

the sun is our brightest star

but in my eyes you're my brightest star

there are approximately 400 billion stars

and i show my love for you with each of them

i want to take you on a date

to the milky way

the second most beautiful thing i've ever seen

the color of a star can tell an observer a lot of things

if you're the star and i'm the observer

then you have told me a lot of beautiful things

i will never forget the day your crescent moon eyes and long blonde hair took over my heart and put it in a permanent state of bloom. your beauty and love is the only thing that keeps me alive and well and if i never had it or felt it i wouldnt even be here. your love is like petting a cat while it purrs. your love is like being carried by a crowd of doves through the stars. your love is something that not everyone feels. my love for you is permanent and will never disappear. my love for you is more than all the stars and galaxies combined. my love for you is infinite. and infinity isnt anything until you believe in love and look for it among the stars.

you are a work of art

you are my mona lisa

you are my david

you are my the scream

you are my the starry night

but you are most of all my masterpiece

theres a huge rug

a coffee table

and 5 chairs

theres a pile of magazines

and 2 books

then its me

waiting alone

with all my thoughts and anger

hidden through the skin and bones

i havent showered today

ive been on netflix

i feel like hell

im looking out the window

and see only nature

which is my most favorite thing

even though it looks beautiful

i still dont want to be here.

I’m going to be talking about 2 things today

1. school

2. bullying

let’s talk about school
in the dictionary school is, and i quote, “an institution for educating children”.

in the urban dictionary school means: A place where everyone secretly hates each other including students, staff and teachers and is a nightmare. They force you to do useless work while they also expect you to put up with peer pressure like your home life and social life.

now lets talk about my definition of school

school is a place i’ve been going for the past almost 17 years of my life
school is a place where i’ve a made a bunch of friends and a bunch of enemies

i’ve lost some friends
i’ve made some friends

i’ve dealt with heartbreak

but we all have

we’ve all gone through the make-up, break-up stuff

and now onto our second topic, bullying

i see some people here in the audience who i have taken a punch from

did i ever befriend them? no

they still treat me like i’m sort of pile of garbage on the side of the street waiting to be taken to the dump

why did i get bullied?

because i’m different

i dress different, i listen to different music, my haircut is different

but also because people like to question my sexuality

i’m straight

i am interested in females

“why do you care”, i say

“because you look gay”

how does one look gay?

do i take it as an insult? god no

there is nothing wrong with homosexuality in any sort of way

i have a shirt that says “i support same-*** marriage” and i’m proud to wear it

the point of all the stuff i’ve been saying about school is that school *****, but we need it.

the point of all the stuff i’ve been saying about bullying is that we all need to focus on important things like that because there are have been plenty of things like suicide and school shootings because of that one thing.

thank you

never did i think i would meet a girl whose eyes i compare to the stars

whose beauty i would compare to a bed of flowers

and whose love i would compare to no one else's.

I have OCD

I get attached to way too many things

I've gotten attached to people and things

I probably have an infinite list

B U T

My all time favorite obsession is loving you.

looking in your eyes was like looking at a car wreck

we were created to question our own existence

i'm in math class on the verge of going nuts because no one will shut the **** up

i'm only looking forward to later because i might go for a walk or listen to la dispute

the weather says it's supposed to be 50 degrees all day

i was forgetting all of my anger but now it's all i can think about since i can't stand any of these peoples voices in my eardrums

the sun sets as we finish our day

the moon rises as we start off our night

i love you

you glued my heart

back together

from the microscopic pieces

that it once was