sit my head on my desk
while the teacher speaks

speaking about equations
and factoring

doodle on the wood
as i doze off

i'm wondering what i'll dream about

maybe about my future
maybe about my past

maybe about life
maybe about death

do you think the neighbors are mad? everyone left their trash on their lawn. someone's asleep on the roof. someone's asleep on the grass. the party lasted for 13 hours and not a minute later. bags under everyone's eyes,  alcohol in everyone's system, except for mine.

i always sleep on the side of my bed because I imagine you being right next to me.

i still remember when we'd stay up til 3 am messaging each other talking about music

now i can't even bare to look in your eyes or even say your name

the shirt i gave you probably smells like cigarettes and alcohol by now

you always told me to slow my words down so you could understand me

but maybe you didn't understand what pain i was trying to explain

half of my summer consisted of sadness and cigarettes thanks to you

i know what you did to me because i was there on the other side of the wall

while you were with the guy you didn't know, i was sitting at the fire being warmed by it and not you

(J.A.)

when i think back on all the girls i’ve dated

i’ve noticed very different interests now than what i saw in the past

one was very religious and demanding

one liked to get high and drunk when i really didn’t

the second one ****** with my mind too bad

it was almost every time i messaged her she was high or drunk

and the only thought i had was “is she really meaning the things she says?”

i was buried in the backyard along with the dog

our skeletal remains will rot for the next 100 years

our home was destroyed when the 2 people who gave me birth left me here to rot

the neighbors tried to wake me up but there was sort of response

the sirens dwelled while we slowly rotted away on my bedroom floor.

(J.A.)

it's been almost one year since death stared me in the face

it looked down on me

swallowed me whole

and almost ate me alive

i’m basically on the verge of an anxiety attack

i try to pray to a god that may or may not exist

i dread the future

i dread the day i hear the words “i think we should break up”

i’ve experienced those 6 words plenty of times

sometimes i was crushed

sometimes i knew it was the right thing to do

i’m in love with a girl who has flowers for eyes

i fell in love with her beauty

i fell in love with her smile

i fell in love with every tiny bit of her

she’s 939 miles away and i don’t get to touch her skin until next year

but the way she talks to me, treats me, and the way she makes me feel

makes me the happiest person to ever walk this earth.

(J.A.)

i was always afraid to die

i was always afraid death would be slow and painful

i was always afraid i would die young

i was afraid everyday thinking it would be my last day

don't be afraid

death is a part of life

don't fear it

love it

(J.A.)

September 26, 2014 6:25 am
I woke up this morning and went to Facebook and found out someone from school died last night

Someone I haven't spoken a word to in years, even though I pass them in the hall everyday

It was a car crash

This girl was my cousin
Not by blood but by marriage

7:22 am
I walked into school and didn't know what to expect
The sound of crying and grief numbed me

7:50 am
The principal makes an announcement about it and we have a moment of silence

9:15 am
we leave first period and the halls are quiet

10:10 am
I try to imagine what her parents and siblings must be going through
I can't even imagine what they must be going through

September 30, 2014

I wake up and go to school

Go through the day and go home

4:00 pm

We go into the church where the funeral is being held
There are at least 300 or more people there

The sounds of people crying is what made me ever more sadder

Watching her parents cry was the worst part

They then take her to the cemetery

I didn't go

I went that night

So many bouquets of flowers are on the ground

We stayed for about 20 minutes and headed out and I wondered when will be the next time we come back?

(J.A.)

When you get back on that plane I will be scared to say I miss you

Mere seconds after I see your face through the plane window my lips will long for yours like they did for almost a year

I had a dream
I was in a car with a few of my friends
We were driving down through a neighborhood and all of a sudden we crashed into a tree in front of a house
I went through the windshield and so did the driver
There were no survivors

A wife, husband, and a child who was like 7-8 were standing in the doorway of their house
The husband walked over and was almost in grief
About 5 minutes later you could hear the ambulance sirens dwell

People crowded around behind caution tape
Children were asking their parents what happened and they told them various answers

The ambulances hauled our bodies off
The news was all over it...

Your eyes cross my mind like many other things do
If I had a top 10 list of things that cross my mind everything about you would fill it up
When I think of you my smile comes out and it won't go away because you can't frown at the thought of you

You sit behind your desk with a fake smile telling the parents you’ll do everything you can to make it stop. But nothing will stop. You’re not going to talk to the bully, you’re not going to tell his parents, you’re not going to tell the school system, and you sure as **** are not going to make sure this problem stops.

Are you idiots too stupid to see the problem here?

I started getting bullied in 3rd or 4th grade and didn’t know what to think of it

That was of course until my brother got shoved into a stall (by persons name I will not mention), in 6th grade and his ear started bleeding

That was of course until I was physically and verbally bullied.

I would get called a ***, *******, idiot, loser, freak, “emo”, a waste of space, *****, etc.

That totally got to me and I believed every single word they said

Then comes physical bullying

I got punched in the face in 7th grade for no reason at all and didn’t know how to stand up for myself

In fact the guy who did it, I still see everyday in the halls

Let’s face it, I was 120 pounds of no muscle at all

I also remember a year or two back this huge football player grabbed me and my brother in the headlock and started calling us ****, and when we called him fat, the other football players said that was cold and mean…

Verbal contact still happens today sometimes
Physical contact? Not so much

But I still get made fun of but I’ve learned one thing.

Ignore it.

They don’t know you. They don't know your life. They don't know anything.

They come to you because they know you don't know how to stand up for yourself

But keep these 3 words in your mind through it all.

You are loved.

You’re not alone. There are many others like you. You will never be alone as long as you have those people standing by your side through everything and anything.

(J.A.)

It's funny. Almost a year ago I didn't even see myself living to 18. But now I know I will because it'll be spent with you.

(J.A.)

I'm in sort of a writers block

I want to write about sadness but I have nothing to be sad about

I want to write about happiness but I write about that too often and it feels weird

I currently have my headphones in listening to Pianos Become The Teeth in my own little world

My girlfriend is the only thing that makes me happy

My best friends do as well

I can go to them with any sorts of problem and not be judged

I don't really talk to my family about personal problems because I know they'll judge me

Actually last week my dad said to me "there isn't a single gay bone in your body

I'm not gay at all

I support gay rights, yes

But that doesn't mean anything

It seems the only family I trust is my cousin and sister

I can't even tell my counselor my problems because I know he'll tell my parents and I don't want them to know anything because, like I said, they'll judge  me

It's like if I tell him I'm depressed, he'll tell them and they'll worry and tell me ******* that makes it worse

I'm in a tough spot

(J.A.)

... and my life on this little planet we call earth will not be fulfilled until the day you die.

I'm just a kid who ***** up everything except the part where the love of his life came through and told him everything was gonna be fine... and she was right.

Watching the flowers grow and feeling love in your heart are two prime examples of how beautiful the world can be sometimes

Falling out of love, being hated for no specific reason, watching a loved one die, and being lonely are a few prime examples of how cruel the world is sometimes

There are many other examples for both of those and I can't think of them off of the top of my head

I've always heard the term "the world is a beautiful/cruel place sometimes"and I was always prepared to experience both

I've had my heart broken, I've watched something/someone die, I've been lonely for the longest amount of time I can think of... But those are just the cruel things

I've felt loved, I've watched the flowers grow, I've watched the sun rise at 6 am, I've felt less lonely surrounded by people I can call my friends... And those are the beautiful things

Keep that term in mind, "The world is a beautiful/cruel place sometimes"

I hate knowing you breathe the same air as me.

Our love isn't based on us sitting behind other screens sitting 939 miles away

Our love is based on the way our hearts feel no matter the distance

I don't need to touch your skin to know the warmth of your beauty

All I need is a photo of you and my eyes looking at them and my mouth smiling

(J.A.)

Even though I'm 939 miles away I always imagine you're by my side every night before I sleep

The only place I'm with you side by side is in my dreams

If that's the only place I'll ever see you then I guess I'll sleep forever

(J.A.)

Climbing this mountain that I call my life is on my list of things to do before I die

If I fall off the edge, "help" is the only word I'll cry

And the only question I can ask myself is "why?"

Why did I let myself fall off the edge?

I'm sure we've all fallen off the edge at least one point in our lives

But I'm sure we've all had someone to help pull us back to the spot we were in

We're all just leaves blowing along, slowly going wherever the wind takes us

And wherever it takes us is where we're destined to be

(J.A.)

As I sit on my bed
Piled by blankets
Watching an endless amount of movies
And listening to the same 6 songs on repeat
I think that you have found somebody new
Well maybe you're better off with whatever his name is supposed to be
I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be loved by you
I always knew I'd find the right person and for the past 2 months I thought that it would be you
As I lay here still piled up by blankets
I want to text you how I feel
But our friendship is something I want to keep
And it's not something you find at an old garage sale that's really cheap
I just hope that one day you hear the words I wanna say
But for now I'll lay here piled under these blankets trying to get through the day

(J.A)

She hates waking up, dressing up, and going through the same routine
God she must hate being a teen

Dealing with the same ******* every single day
God she's tired of taking the **** they say

Everyone would take a look at her  teared up eyes and say "oh you're fine"

Make-up dripping from her face
God she must hate picking up the pace

Going home, tears still in her eyes
Her parents come up with the most amazing lies

Eats dinner, brushes her teeth, quietly goes back to sleep

Repeats everything all over again with the same heartbeat

(J.A.)

The fact of how beautiful you are just overwhelms me

Your sweetness is the most amazing feeling I can feel at this moment in time

When we talk I completely forget about all of the bad stuff in my life

These are the good memories. The ones we should all keep in our heads on a bad day

The days we don't talk are the bad days I was just talking about

But when you message me I've never felt so happy in my entire life

I'd message you now, but I'm still waiting for a reply

(J.A.)

I've been punching holes in my wall and crying my eyes out for 2 weeks straight

I gave you my heart and you stomped on it and now I don't know what to do

Tears in my eyes and holes in my wall are just the beginning

Where will it lead to next? I guess we'll find out along the path

If I could write a book on how hurt I am, would you even read it?

Billions of people on this earth and I chose you... to keep

Billions of people on this earth and you chose me... to hurt.

(J.A.)

It's 4:21 am and I can't close these sleepy eyes because our skype call from like 15 minutes ago was amazing like you

It's 3:23 am where you are and you have work in like 8 hours so you're sleeping and when you awake you'll feel brand new

Hotel Books is playing on my spotify and it's so soothing, just as soothing as your voice is which is not like the other ones

You're 926 miles away and that's the only sad part but every other piece of this relationship is just so wonderful that words can't even describe what I've won

I love how we make each other laugh at the stupidest things and compliment each other a lot that it makes it so funny

I get to see you in like 332 days hopefully. The time we spend with each other in person will be some of the best memories of my life as everyone can see

I can't sleep due to the fact that I can call you mine
I love every tiny thing about you
Your eyes, your voice, your smile
If there's one thing I'm sure of its that your smile could make flowers bloom

I didn't really think I'd find a girl I admire as much as I do you
I love how much we have in common
It's as if we're the same person too

I love you

I love you

(J.A.)

My grandma told me it was time to go home, and that's when I so badly wanted to ask to stay one more night
I felt more at home at my grandmas than I do in my regular house
So I kicked on my old vans, grabbed my back pack and went home
Compared to my regular house, we do more stuff at my grandmas than we do there
Where at home I just lay in bed listening to my music and watch movies that I've seen like 500 times
There's a picture in our kitchen that says "God Bless Our Home"
Then again I haven't come into contact with any sort of god.
The only people in my house are me, my brother, and mother
And my dad on the weekends since my parents separated at least a year ago
And my sister is going off to college soon so I don't really ever see her because she lives with her mom and has a job
I see her on holidays and birthdays and such which makes me happy
Life in my home hasn't been the same since my parents split
We used to be active I would say
Now I all I do, like I said before, is lay in bed.
I go out sometimes, for shows and other stuff
I don't really hang out with friends from school except for my bestfriend since we go to the same shows
School starts back in a few weeks and am I prepared? Yes and no
I'm excited to see my friends and I'm not excited to see people who annoy me
But let's go back to talking about home
What's your definition of home?
In the dictionary home is the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
My definition of home is that home is a place where you make memories. Home is a place where you live and die. Home is a place full of love and hate. It's a place where you can feel comfy and warm or miserable and cold.
Home is where the heart is and I guess my heart moved out a long time ago...