Black Curly Full
      Mother's Violin
as I rushed to the door
                       there she was
Can I not see motherhood for myself?  

A smile rushing to my face, and again I was 17 years old, his over mine. My mother asking for my face to smell.
      What did you smell mother?
black straight full as I left again for the war, there she was...Mother I can see the war in these needles that created your doll clothes.

Nothing but Something

Black straight full
       Mother's Violin
as you cry, slamming the door
                           there she was
Can I not see motherhood for myself?

And again I was 13, a smile crying over my face as his lashed at mine. Father have you seen the war in the needles that create their mothers clothes?

Nothing out of Something

Black wavy full
      His Violin
as I rushed toward the the door
                          there he was
Can you not see fatherhood for itself?

a grin washing over your face...now 27 not yours. Not mine? Father can you see the bruises where they left your child to die?

Nothing

Blonde coarse shiny
       My Violin
as I left for the first time
                     there she was

a home this time but not my own..and again I was four, a blank stare leaping over my face, as hers bore through mine

Something

Black coarse full
      My Violin

As I saw the man beside my bed

teeth baring jaws of steel, mine baring it...27 in january and you are a dead soul

Can you see the births you stopped?

    taken from the planet
    given no home

Destroyed
             Your God cries out to no man.  

My heart cries out to a child universes created, taking time to cry.

Everything

Cut down the borders
                             Of your
Mind
        
          Release the enemy who

Resides
                                                  Op­en

Waters bonded                      Free

       Truth in love                    Flickers

Free

       Televisions on and buzzing
Now                 on to
                  Souls Crushing
                                                  Mental­
      Bonds         direct
                                                  Heaven
I­nside
                will correct their jibes

Come to those who know your

                                                 Name

And to those who hate their game.

I sit here again
with a beer and a cigarette
communing with a lost soul
my own?
    someone else's?
I read scripture and the
words dance around me
a thousand flights of fancy
on the page
my incense burning
this pure incense burning
this pure understanding
of the cruel nature
of humanity
of friends, heroes, lovers
I write it all down
try to solve it
it stands before me
a picture of my steps
to this point
I have reached the point
of unabashed unregulated
distorted reality
my daily life
the breathing
the eating
the sleeping
it doesn't seem any more real
than this life I live
in my head
or somewhere in my heart
and I long to touch the
part of me that is real
but I am so disconnected

flowers in the winter still grow towards the sun
and such is my soul
leaning leaning
toward the everlasting source
                                                     reality fails me
and lights go dim
and I cause the moon to glow for a light
somewhere in this dark night
                                                  and I can't stop believing in a God that doesn't exist
                      but which pushes further down this tunnel into the hell
of my eternity
and I can't
find simplicity
can't find purity
it's all convoluted
I hate the game
   shifting pulling
begging for release
and somehow I am
an ember in a fire
bent on burning out
forever
and I have a soul
I have a heart
someone acknowledge me in this newspaper grey world
I am flat lining
where will I go after
this life has sloughed off my skin
I know I am endless
and I am bound for a world
where opinion doesn't taint reason
                            and somehow
                            I will be there
                            where the sky meets space
                            I will be there
                                                   somehow.

I stepped into your apartment
I saw you reading
  sipping coffee
I saw you go to the fridge
and muse at its emptiness
I slept with you at night
we dreamed together
        you didn't see me
but I was there
       when I went to leave in the morning
you looked up
         quizzically

solitude marks the height of my contentment
no agreements to make
I don't have to see faces
nods smiles masked aggression
I don't have to act
I don't have to trade facade for facade
with my peers
do I even have peers?

at night, I feel a stillness
so deep, so harsh, so honest
I don't have to live this lie
explain why I'm fine
why everything is fine
because, it's not
nothing's fine

I am a million clashing universes
filled with endless dying stars
and I reach out
to the other universes
and shrink back
  back
          and at night
I fill the stillness
  the stars collapsing
every synapse bending
toward destruction

no want
               no need
                             no crying out for more

at night there is no other
no one to say my name falsely
and when I sleep
the ocean of my subconscious
carries me to sleeping cures
takes me away for years
to great expanses of colorful
living worlds
where I feel
where my emotions are tangible
solid
and
       they keep me company for
a millennia
         I wake to this doll world
where a friend asks
how are you doing
and she's doing it out of obligation
                                                and there's no color
and I have no emotion
and I feel nothing

Life is the waiting room for the exploration of that dream world

and every night
I taste it
I touch it
I breathe in its vibrance
and the only want
is to never wake
to this grey world
to never have to answer

"fine"

again

in the desert
a spider traps a mouse
a woman cries
I feel her hot tears
on my head
they drip drip drip
I look out over my balcony
wondering, why?
what is the point?
a man lives alone with his goldfish
he hasn't seen a woman naked in years
he reads a novel and laughs to himself
I hear his laughter
It crowds my mind
I feel its hands and elbows poke my sides
I walk into work
I walk out
somewhere downtown,
a teenager is trying marijuana for the first time
I feel the warmth
the guilt
I feel endless

the world carries on outside my apartment
fighting
drinking
laughing
sleeping
a girl finds a flower
a man drives to work
a woman eats some green beans
a soldier wonders why he signed up
for this
a fat law maker *******
and me
I sit
and think
sometimes, cry
don't know what else to do
summer breathes hot air down my neck
and somewhere a baby is born
it is cold there
and her father is dead