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Jayce Sep 2018
he pushes me onto my knees
                       our father who art in heaven
i open my mouth for him
                      lord, i want to recommit my life, my heart to you
he holds my head in his hands and i take in all of him
                     you alone are worthy of all honor and praise
his eyes close and his head tilts back
                    he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you
                        by his love

i can feel tears running down my cheeks and i look up and capture his eyes
                   i saw the lord...lofty and exalted
his mouth tilted into a grin
                  make your face shine on your servant; save me in your
                         steadfast love

he pushes my head back and i come away with drool and tears dripping to the floor
                 now the works of the flesh are evident
i smile at him and my gaze demands his admiration
                for this is the love of god

1.4k · Jul 2016
Seasonal Depression
Jayce Jul 2016
When most people say they have seasonal depression, they usually mean in the winter
Depression and winter go hand in hand
Darkness, cold, shorter days, holidays where if you're alone you're miserable, deadlines
But some people don't understand that seasonal depression happens in the summer too
I wish I could explain why I don't want to go outside when the sun has never been brighter
I wish I could help you comprehend why going swimming is a perfect way for me to drown myself
I wish I could help you understand why I don't feel accomplished or at ease, I feel under pressure to have a good summer
But I can't
Jayce Aug 2018
I'd like you more if you stopped kissing the ribbons of scars on my arms  
Feel the cuts beneath your lips only to come away with a ring of blood coating your mouth
Tell me you love me while we stand in a puddle of my sins
Wrap my limbs around your body and fill my corpse with your affection
You'll have to worship me harder if you want to hear my heartbeat
Many have tried before you, if you fail you won't be the last
You'll destroy yourself on my jagged edges
Jayce Apr 2016
What I want to know is why?
Why am I told to remember the tragedy of 9/11, but when I bring up the tragedy of my people once enslaved, I am told that it was years ago and I should “get over it”?
Why when I make a joke at a Caucasian friend’s expense does his face grow disgusted and he spats the word racist at me, then turns around and make a joke at a black man’s expense and expects me to laugh?
Why am I told that I am “boring” or that “no one likes being around an angry black woman” when I rise up to speak about the obstacles all people of color face in the modern society?
Why is it that my Caucasian friends are allowed to rely stories of being called racist with voices grim and shocked, but if I ask, “Well, were you being racist?” they look at me as if I’ve offended them?
Why is it a normal thing for people of color to rise and speak about their experiences of being a minority, only to have a Caucasian person slap a metaphorical hand over their mouth by saying, “You’re not the only one who’s experienced racism”?
Why as a child growing up was I taught by society that darker skin was less desirable, that if I was dark I shouldn’t wear pastel bright colors, that my blackness isn’t worshipped, but now in modern day society I am forced to watch Caucasians wear weave, get braids, do things they consider “being black” and have praise rain down on them?
Why should I have to listen to my Caucasian friends use the word “*****” as if their ancestors didn’t pronounce the word the same way someone would call a dog a mutt?
Why when I asked my Caucasian friend to explain why her crush wasn’t her type, she mentioned his blackness not as a worry that someone might not agree, or because years ago it wouldn’t be allowed, or as a concern that the way the modern world seems to be against him, but as if his blackness deemed him less dateable?
Jayce Dec 2016
When did it get this way

When did wanting to die become my default emotion

When did everything that made me happy fade to shades of grey

How did the people who claim to love me

Allow me to fall into this pit of despair and destruction

Without ever trying to reach in and save me
729 · Jun 2016
Jayce Jun 2016
Am I doomed to become like her
A distant cold shell of a woman
Who seems like a ghost that no one can put to rest
Hardened over time of being misunderstood

Or will I grow up like him
Angry at the innocent people who cross my path
Self absorbed and manipulative
Someone who people avoid when they're out in public

Better yet will I find myself in the middle
Angry and hostile
Cold and detached
But twice as alone
604 · Feb 2017
Birthdays (Reprise)
Jayce Feb 2017
It was asking too much of the universe

That I have a good day

And so to expel the hopes and wishes I had for that day,

I slashed a reminder for every year I've lived

And let loose all the hopes I had for ever getting better
585 · Aug 2018
A Succubus' Plea
Jayce Aug 2018
it's much easier to let you see what's under my clothes
than to let you know what makes me smile
letting you physically enter me is so much safer
than allowing you to probe my innermost fears
hearing you tell me that I feel good
is lighter on my heart than hearing you say you love me
*** is the closest I will permit you to get,
my vulnerability when I'm naked is easier to defend than you getting to know me
568 · Sep 2018
Jayce Sep 2018
we got tattoos and the ink overpowered your blood
i cut myself open to remind you of it
you grew bored of trying to revive your heart

we pledged our allegiance over shared bottles of *****
the alcohol whispered that I could finally stand on the edge and drop off
you stopped helping me down and started offering to push me

you'd called me your sister since we were eleven
we grew like flowers, but my mind began to wilt
your garden grew despondent,
you pulled your roots from mine and grew away from me

heaven, don't leave me at the gates
i'll shred my throat raw from begging for help to heal an ache that Fear keeps sore as he reminds me
"angels do not befriend the deficient"
535 · Jun 2018
I correlate love to pain
Jayce Jun 2018
I had an English professor tell me that love was hard to write.
At first, I scoffed at her. I'd written about love almost all my life.
But then I realized that I'd only been writing about what I thought love was.
I wrote about men who put their hands around my neck all the while thinking of how easy it'd be to snap it.
I wrote about people I'd considered my friends who held their hands out to me for help only to turn their backs when I asked the same of them.
I wrote about people who came into my life with promises of warmth and understanding, but took my clothes off and never helped me put them back on.
I thought love was supposed to hurt because it was all I'd ever done. In all honesty, I don't know what love is.
523 · Jan 2017
Background Noise
Jayce Jan 2017
All my childhood I was told to be quiet

I modeled myself so that I became the background noise, a silhouette in the corner, someone's shadow

When I became an adult, that role was so far ingrained into me that it became my personality

I am the one who stays home when everyone else has gone to the party, I am the one who holds everyone's coats at the dance club

I sometimes wonder if my death will affect anyone, if they will notice that where I once stood still holds the shape of my feet
508 · Jul 2016
Test of Strength
Jayce Jul 2016
If you fell out of love with me,
Would you be brave enough, strong enough,
To look me in the eyes
And tell me that you no longer felt the same way?
Would you be able to stomach my immediate panic,
My hysteria,
My desperation as I beg you to tell me that you're joking
Would you be able to look me in the face
And feel nothing but sympathy
As I completely crumble before you?
492 · Jan 2017
Jayce Jan 2017
You've changed your name so much in the years since I left that I feel like I made you up
You're not the same person who abused me until I couldn't hear that name for weeks
That person had me looking over my shoulder for months, scared to talk to anyone, scared to make the wrong move

And now you're internet famous,
writing poetry about heartbreak and suffering

hiding your lies, your deceit, your malice

And I'm trying to put the pieces back together so that I remember how it felt to be loved (abused) by you
488 · Jan 2017
Jayce Jan 2017
Have you ever had someone tell you they love you

And they convince you that they mean it, that you're going to be with them forever

And then starts the arguments, the shifting blame, the trust being broken, the lies and deceit

And all the abuse and manipulation is too hard to keep up with, you start to feel like you're stuck in a maze and doing everything wrong and making all the wrong turns

And your heart watches you from above, screaming directions that you can't (or don't because you thought this was love) hear
478 · Mar 2017
a child's lament
Jayce Mar 2017
i asked why you had me

because i wanted the truth

i didn't want a romantic story, a heartwarming tale of a dream you had where you knew i was coming

or a revelation that you needed a child

i wanted an apology

i wanted to know why you let me suffer

why you created me only to break me

why you used me until i was a shell, a puppet

why you left when you realized what you'd done,

why you never came back to repair the damages
Jayce Jun 2018
Most people believe that if you're a writer, you're probably carrying a pen and notepad to jot down everything and anything that happens or slithers into your head
But I have never done these things.
I never wanted to be the writer whose words were laced with pain and anguish, whose words tasted bitter and hateful.
I wanted to write about beauty I had never experienced, I wanted people to believe that I knew Happiness and had known her a while,
but I am not that writer.
So my skin suffers the fate of a writer who cannot speak or type the plethora of emotions of what I cannot call a "life".
My skin holds years of grief and torment, lashed across my wrists like religious scrolls relaying of past tortures.
My skin carries my battles in the form of sharp injuries, telling everyone that although I am smiling, I do not know peace.
I wish I could apologize to my body for forcing it to carry this narrative of despondency within me.
417 · Jun 2016
Jayce Jun 2016
The ability to wake up and remember to brush my teeth, brush my hair, wash my face
The ability to remember to shower on a daily basis and actually wash my body instead of staring off into space
The luxury of eating 3 full meals a day and enjoying my appearance
The sinful self indulgence of allowing *** to be purely for pleasure and nothing else
The comfort of being able to go out in public in large crowds and manage to keep my head on my shoulders
The delight of being able to communicate clearly what I desire and need from other people

*What an extravagant life that would be, if only I were not born as me
410 · Mar 2018
A Letter To Someone Like Me
Jayce Mar 2018
Your heart is big. It's too much for some people. Learn to guard it from the people who wrap their hands around your neck whose kisses taste like blood.
Your sadness is overwhelming. You have to teach yourself not to drown the people you love. Eventually they'll learn to swim, and it won't be towards you.
Loneliness lives within you. Fight it without destroying yourself in the process.
Love is addicting. Love exists. Love is toxic. Love hurts. Good luck.
Jayce Sep 2018
I call you mine even though you once made me cry so hard I felt like my head was becoming undone

I associate you with myself because you’re one of few who can grip my heart and render me useless all while not being within touching distance

You’ve never touched my neck and yet the prints there match the shape of your hands perfectly

The air between us is so cold that I can’t move and my entire body trembles, warning me to get away

I call you mine but in all honesty when you sank your teeth in you staked your claim
395 · Jan 2019
escape room
Jayce Jan 2019
i could nail the door shut,
          you'd only find a window

i could seal those windows,
        you'd only dig your way out

i could fill your hole with my tears,
      you'd push the roof out of place
my begging could stretch like webs across the ceiling
    and still you'd find some way to steal my heart and leave
Jayce Jul 2018
I smile and vouch for recovery
I tell everyone that I am doing my best
I pull the mask onto my face and allow my loved ones to be fooled

There are hearts that I collected beneath my bed, lovers who I craved yet couldn’t stand
Empty bottles filled with broken promises and a log full of numbers I call on private
I smell like *** and agony and can barely stomach my own stench

I am a filthy addict and I am afraid nothing will help me heal
370 · Jul 2016
Jayce Jul 2016
Do you remember?
How you told me we were "playing a game"
And you made me do things no 4 year old should do
You made me think we were having fun
That I was winning this game
But I'm older now and I realize that I've lost
You probably don't even remember
But I do
370 · Apr 2016
Mother's Day
Jayce Apr 2016
I do not celebrate Mother's Day
What is a mother?
a polaroid that gradually loses its color?
An air conditioner so broken all you can feel is the chill in your bones?
A staticky sound that turns into an overwhelming shriek?
An accomplice to anxiety?
A trigger to bipolarity?
what is my mother?
Jayce Aug 2018
people who once confessed they couldn't live without you will find life with others
you'll stop falling apart and instead of fear you'll feel content
your body will no longer need rest or energy, you'll feel almost weightless
you'll hear god's voice telling you that you tried for nothing and that you never were meant to save yourself
Jayce Sep 2019
i used to ask him not to pull leaves off of trees
and he'd laugh and drop them over my head
the trees looked bare and cold, they'd shiver beneath his gaze
i  believed their leaves would regrow just as strong

years later he plucked all my leaves, stained with my blood and tears
his hands full leaving me bare and waiting
347 · Feb 2019
Gone Fishing
Jayce Feb 2019
I checked my net
but all I got was catfish

Conversations opened, and suddenly
the sight of a notification from "Miah"
makes my heart race

Five days pass and I'm tempted to talk about her
but she doesn't exist in the
"real world"
so I twist my tongue inside my mouth
and hide the secret of her beneath it

I cannot jinx what isn't real, or tangible
because it's easy to believe in god but "Miah" is 400 miles away
I've only seen her face pixellated on a screen

The implication is planted that I should know more
Mythical creatures are hard to believe in
and then,
"Miah's" phone number is linked to "Mike's" smiling face at his graduation

I've put my heart online and the viruses ate at it
but here in the
"real world"
I'm just another fool with a net full of catfish
345 · Jul 2016
Jayce Jul 2016
How about the one where I had so many friends I couldn't keep track
Or the one where we were too scared to make a homemade ouija board
Try the one where I went to someone else's house to celebrate
Here, have the one where all I got from my mother was a dry toned voice-mail
Feast upon the most recent one where I jumped into a pool in 53 degree weather to try and drown
I wonder what the next one has in store for me
Jayce Dec 2016
Say it was always me, always me
Comfort yourself in your blanket of blame

Allow your friends who never knew me,
Never loved me,
To assure you that you were right, of course you were right

Say whatever you need
To convince yourself that I didn't give you my all until my hands were bleeding and broken

From the pedestal I built to put you on
339 · Apr 2016
Heartbreak, my old friend
Jayce Apr 2016
I fall for every heart I come into contact with
Acknowledging that they may not return the favor
But accepting that as my penance
For being a sensitive abyss of sadness
Jayce Jan 2019
i sit in the confessional, the lattice throwing shadows that in the corners of my eyes become demons.

inhale, hold, exhale.

Forgive me not, for it was not me who sinned. But God himself, who allowed the hands between my legs when my thighs were no more than centimeters apart, those who forced themselves to invade my space even as I cried and prayed for mercy. God who allowed their sweat to fall on my face, mixing with my tears. God who caught my breath in my throat until it was scratched raw inside my mouth as a bird in a cage.

It was God who sinned when this happened not once or twice, but so much that my body became a shell and my mind a mallet with which to break. It was God who stood by as I opened my veins and looked for an answer.

Forgive me not father, because you did not protect me, forgive me not, because it was you who did nothing.

Inhale, hold, exhale.

The lattice throws shadows across my lap and my legs have stopped trembling.

Forgive me not father, because you have pillaged me through them.
330 · Nov 2018
I wonder what it's like
Jayce Nov 2018
she recounts her life with the lovers she's had,
reliving adoration as she counts them off on her fingers
she showcases their best qualities
I cannot upstage her
I recount my life with prescription bottles
plastic and pharmacies
the time I swallowed all I had because I wanted to be happy
while she recounts, I relapse
328 · May 2016
Suicide note
Jayce May 2016
No one is to blame for the way I hated myself
No one is to blame for how lonely I felt even when surrounded by people
I did this to myself and if I fail I don't want to discuss why
Because nothing will change
The world will still revolve
I will still be void of what I want
328 · Apr 2016
The Box
Jayce Apr 2016
"Put your trauma in a box, put it on a shelf, and don't acknowledge it until you're ready"
My therapist smiles at me and I feel like I might actually be losing my mind
But I go home
And I put everything she did to me in a box in my mind
And I bury it in the deepest corners where old lovers who left live
For a while, I forget
But in the midst of the night
When I'm deprived of sleep
The box jumps and thrusts itself to the front of my mind,
Causing the top to fall off -
I remember watching that movie with her
Crying with her

My own favorite movie has betrayed me and made me sick and inconsolable
I get up, grab the DVD case, break the disk into pieces
The box returns to an even deeper corner
But this time it takes a part of me with it
Jayce Jan 2019
Dropped calls and now you have ten voicemails
Garbled cries of "please pick up" and "what did i do"

Self-medicating, intoxicating
Then I'm bleeding profusely and it covers my tattoo,
the same one that she got too

An angel comes
And cries for me, stopping me in my tracks
I tell her it wasn't a matter of what, but who

The angel and I are bonded
I can feel my heart release once again
Until I find myself self-medicating again

"We never needed you"

Pavement beneath me rising
To consume my tears and stain my feet
How did I get here? I was supposed to stop at the tracks

I thought she was an angel but when she turns her back
I can't find wings

"You're just a burden"

drowning, no calls dropped this time
no messages, no well wishes
I won't have anyone to save me next time
319 · Jun 2017
Broken angel
Jayce Jun 2017
your god insisted (demanded)
that one child in every odd family
live through hell
as a test (for his pride)
they endured trauma, suffering, heartbreak, tragedy
with god watching, waiting for them to call on him (a narcissist)
but they started dying (their own hands)
he began to grow nervous (does god doubt?)
he made the test harder, he had to destroy those left (scared of his mess)
I survived. I will survive. I will make him get on his knees and beg for my mercy (I am not your plaything. I am my own god)
315 · Apr 2016
Stop Coming Back
Jayce Apr 2016
I've been wondering why my back is so sore,

Why my shoulder blades stretch with every breath

And I realized my wings are growing back

From the ones you ripped off when you left
306 · Apr 2016
You're A Monster
Jayce Apr 2016
Everyone who has ever hurt me has my blood on their hands
But there is one who had the most
And she pushed her hands in her pockets,
Hiding the sight and the metallic smell of what she'd done to me
She shoved the knife in my hands and insisted I did it to myself

It's been two years
And she has yet to wash the blood off
Instead it's dried and there's the faintest hue of it on her hands
And yet she still insists I left myself bleeding
301 · Apr 2016
Jayce Apr 2016
Why do I call you mine
when I want nothing to do with you
why do I call the memory ours
when the only thing we shared was air and a ****** bed
why do I think you own me
just because your voice telling me to be quiet is all that I hear when you're around
arms twisted behind my back,
pinned beneath you until you finished
pulling up your pants, tossing my ******* at me,
and telling me "you're bleeding"
when only an hour before you called me yours
300 · Jan 2019
casseroles can't heal pain
Jayce Jan 2019
i've been harboring pain for years on end, served up dishes in various ways, having to mask the disgust I feel when it arrives in droves

people make food to try and heal your despair, and lately all they can seem to make is hurt and so my heart knows nothing but the taste of it

mouth full of anguish and blood and when it opens all that comes out is garbled pleas yet no one can hear

"how are you?" but if I told you you wouldn't know what to do, how to fix it, my suffering makes you uncomfortable and yet

if i died, what would you say?
Jayce Mar 2018
i am meat
i'm useful only for consumption

stunning, incapacitating
"i'll split you in two"
you're killing me!

how would you like to dress my flesh?

am i tender enough?

put me on display
i'm just a trophy
am i the best piece of meat you've ever had?
283 · Mar 2018
Jayce Mar 2018
If I could stop swallowing pain in gulps that choke me
If I could learn to breathe when I find myself sinking into despair
If I could trick myself into remaining calm when waves of agony and heartbreak threaten to drown me
I might learn to love swimming again
279 · Mar 2018
Dead by Dinnertime
Jayce Mar 2018
I sit at the table with my sadness in front of me and with trembling hands I pick up my fork and
I taste regret and loneliness and guilt and -
I am choking but what do you use to dilute the worst parts of your life?
Losing air -
I am going to die with all my hurt caught in my throat
Fading -
I am going to die never knowing what happiness tastes like
Dark -
I wanted to know peace.
279 · Apr 2016
To My Mother
Jayce Apr 2016
You were handed a time bomb instead of a bouncing baby
And for sixteen years you tried to cut the right wire
Only to realize you're no demolitions expert
And so you sacrificed me
(To save yourself?)
(To save me?)
And as soon as you sped off, bracing yourself for impact
I extinguished
And for three more years, I waited
Waited for a sign
That since I was no longer a threat,
You might finally feel something
I'm still waiting
275 · Oct 2018
Jayce Oct 2018
I'm sorry boss, I can't come in today.
No no, I'm not sick. At least not in the way you think. No you see, I've gone too far again and made a mess of myself.
I don't want the customers to peer at my arms and see strands of skin hanging like ribbons from my wrist.
I don't want them to have to hear me mourning.
I'm sure it'll scare them off to hear an adult cry like a small child.
No, I'm sure that I can't stomach this pain any longer.
You see, I've taken more than the suggested amount of pills.
This call won't run much longer.
Boss, I don't think I'll be coming in tomorrow either.
I simply must rest.
274 · Apr 2016
Jayce Apr 2016
"When someone gives you something, you always say thank you"
I look at
my unpaid hospital bills
my unpaid therapist bills
my empty prescription bottle, due for a refill two weeks ago
my scarred wrists
my trembling hands
my broken relationships

and I turn to my mother and say
"Thank you"
274 · Apr 2016
Black Bird
Jayce Apr 2016
you would wrench my wings behind my back whenever I was ready to take off
and when I finally got out of your cage, you took hold and ripped them from my back
and you placed them on yours and sang a sad song
and everyone flocked to you as if you were the one hurting
while I was bleeding and trying to find out how to get back in the air
Jayce Mar 2019
I tore my wings from my body the first time
I only pluck feathers now
I want to give you what's left
I repaint the walls of my heart only for you to rip away my work and find layers of hurt and blood
I want to feel the same love I give out,
I want it to rock me like a baby in a cradle
I want my heart to cry like I do and say "I'm home, I'm home"
267 · Aug 2018
"get well soon"
Jayce Aug 2018
I felt that my body could bleed no more,
That I was handing it out to the wolves in gallons,
My hands became sore and bruised from dragging my body from the lowest pits
And still I can clench my teeth and find the strength to stand
I am able to make fists and fight for the hope that I am replenishing day by day
It was 4 am and I'd listened to "get well soon" by Ariana Grande about 10 times and started to feel completely overcome. It's a healing song, and I definitely needed it after the year I've had. I highly recommend it.
Jayce Aug 2018
It's easy to blame the way the planets are moving
When you've lost your faith in a god who only seems to neglect you
And so your fingers trace the outlines of constellations and track retrogrades
In order to understand why your life has never been in sync
Jayce Aug 2019
I used to eat thorns to remind myself of what I had with you
I swallow petals now that fill my head with scents that cradle me in luxury
My mouth opens and where there once was blood,
My tongue is coated in nectar
My throat lined with color and fuzz
I begin to choke on the leafage that I thought would taste better than you
But in the end, there’s still dirt and worms in my stomach
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