i used to ask him not to pull leaves off of trees
and he'd laugh and drop them over my head
the trees looked bare and cold, they'd shiver beneath his gaze
i believed their leaves would regrow just as strong
years later he plucked all my leaves, stained with my blood and tears
his hands full leaving me bare and waiting
I used to eat thorns to remind myself of what I had with you
I swallow petals now that fill my head with scents that cradle me in luxury
My mouth opens and where there once was blood,
My tongue is coated in nectar
My throat lined with color and fuzz
I begin to choke on the leafage that I thought would taste better than you
But in the end, there’s still dirt and worms in my stomach
I tore my wings from my body the first time
I only pluck feathers now
I want to give you what's left
I repaint the walls of my heart only for you to rip away my work and find layers of hurt and blood
I want to feel the same love I give out,
I want it to rock me like a baby in a cradle
I want my heart to cry like I do and say "I'm home, I'm home"
I checked my net
but all I got was catfish
Conversations opened, and suddenly
the sight of a notification from "Miah"
makes my heart race
Five days pass and I'm tempted to talk about her
but she doesn't exist in the
so I twist my tongue inside my mouth
and hide the secret of her beneath it
I cannot jinx what isn't real, or tangible
because it's easy to believe in god but "Miah" is 400 miles away
I've only seen her face pixellated on a screen
The implication is planted that I should know more
Mythical creatures are hard to believe in
"Miah's" phone number is linked to "Mike's" smiling face at his graduation
I've put my heart online and the viruses ate at it
but here in the
I'm just another fool with a net full of catfish
i sit in the confessional, the lattice throwing shadows that in the corners of my eyes become demons.
inhale, hold, exhale.
Forgive me not, for it was not me who sinned. But God himself, who allowed the hands between my legs when my thighs were no more than centimeters apart, those who forced themselves to invade my space even as I cried and prayed for mercy. God who allowed their sweat to fall on my face, mixing with my tears. God who caught my breath in my throat until it was scratched raw inside my mouth as a bird in a cage.
It was God who sinned when this happened not once or twice, but so much that my body became a shell and my mind a mallet with which to break. It was God who stood by as I opened my veins and looked for an answer.
Forgive me not father, because you did not protect me, forgive me not, because it was you who did nothing.
Inhale, hold, exhale.
The lattice throws shadows across my lap and my legs have stopped trembling.
Forgive me not father, because you have pillaged me through them.
Dropped calls and now you have ten voicemails
Garbled cries of "please pick up" and "what did i do"
Then I'm bleeding profusely and it covers my tattoo,
the same one that she got too
An angel comes
And cries for me, stopping me in my tracks
I tell her it wasn't a matter of what, but who
The angel and I are bonded
I can feel my heart release once again
Until I find myself self-medicating again
"We never needed you"
Pavement beneath me rising
To consume my tears and stain my feet
How did I get here? I was supposed to stop at the tracks
I thought she was an angel but when she turns her back
I can't find wings
"You're just a burden"
drowning, no calls dropped this time
no messages, no well wishes
I won't have anyone to save me next time
i've been harboring pain for years on end, served up dishes in various ways, having to mask the disgust I feel when it arrives in droves
people make food to try and heal your despair, and lately all they can seem to make is hurt and so my heart knows nothing but the taste of it
mouth full of anguish and blood and when it opens all that comes out is garbled pleas yet no one can hear
"how are you?" but if I told you you wouldn't know what to do, how to fix it, my suffering makes you uncomfortable and yet
if i died, what would you say?