I'm going to bed happy
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels good.

I'm going to bed with a smile on my face
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels good.

I'm going to bed laughing
for the first time in a long time.

And it feels so good.

What we did was so innocent
Even when it was not innocent within itself
It still felt like it

The way you would hum a little tune as I let myself blossom
Such as a flower after a warm spring rain
For you

The way we couldn't even say the word
We came up with a code that was secretly ours that would make no sense to the outside world
Only we could understand it in our little eutopia

And now we've grown and we're not so innocent anymore
We've changed and we've gone our separate ways but now we're gravitating back
Or so it seems

I can't help but think of that blossoming flower
Of that funny little tune
And of the innocence that existed strictly between the two of us

Do you ever feel like if you breathe too loud during a quiet song
You won't be able to hear the music?

Are you ever afraid you might miss your soon-to-be favorite part of the song
All because you breathed at the wrong moment?

Well I'm lying here and I'm listening to the most beautiful song
And I can't concentrate on the song because I'm too busy concentrating on my breath

And do you ever feel like you go through life like this?
Like you want so much to say what you need to but you're afraid you'll ruin the most beautiful parts?

I'm guilty of this
Of sacrificing my breath to hear the most beautiful song

WHY DO I LIVE IN THIS FANTASY DRIVEN WORLD

WHY DO I THINK THAT WHEN YOU’RE IN THE SAME TOWN AS ME FOR ALL OF 30 MINUTES THAT YOU’RE JUST MAGICALLY GOING TO SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND WANT ME BACK

WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET SAD OVER THE FACT THAT YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO SHOW UP

WHY DO I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE CONDITIONED BY THE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES WHERE THIS IS A NORMAL THING

I LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD AND STUFF LIKE THIS DOESN’T JUST HAPPEN

I LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD AND STUFF LIKE THIS DOESN’T JUST HAPPEN

I don’t know how to just be your friend
Trust me, that’s literally all that I want to be
Because I can’t be stuck in this back and fourth continuous stream forever

When we reconnected, I felt something inside of me that I hadn’t felt since the day we met
And that’s sappy and stupid, but I don’t care
How dare I let myself get close to you again
And we’re not even close
We’re nowhere as close as we used to be, but in a way we’re closer
How dare you renter my life and think that it’s fair to just pick up where we left off, but actually not
Because you know the impact you have on me

Did you know that the last time I cried up until recently was February of 2016?
But then recently, when I got scared of what was going to become of this newfound friendship,
I cried again — every night for a few nights
And when I think of you leaving again like you left the first time it honestly breaks my heart

Did you know that I wrote a letter to you a few weeks ago when we hung out for the first time
Because it didn’t feel like the first time, it just felt like a continuation of all the other times
Except this time was better
I wrote a letter that I had planned to give to you after a while of reconnecting
But now I just really don’t know

You said me “I think it would work better if we had dated now, rather than two years ago”
How the hell do you think you can just say something like that and it be okay
How do you think that you can have late night conversations with me
And send pictures back and forth
And, oh god, the worst, SHARE MUSIC WITH ME
And keep up this so called “friendship”

But no, not as a regular thing
God forbid we have more than a 5 minute conversation in one day
And just to be clear, no, I don’t think that it’s “unreasonable” to be developing feelings

I wish you would just give it a chance again
I know you recently felt something, even if it was just a little, because you told me
And because I saw the real you for a split second
And yes, that messed with my head even more, in case you were wondering

Do you believe in soul-mates?
Because I do with my whole entire being
And the reason I can write this without it being weird
And the reason I’m putting up with the 5 minutes a day, is because there is something here and it has not gone away and it will not go away
And I’m literally sacrificing any feelings that could be developing for anyone else during this time
Because I am not giving up, and honestly, I never did give up
I was upset and I acted out, but that was only to hide that I still cared
And I really think, well, hope, that deep down you might still care as well

I’m sorry
I don’t know what was your fault
or what was mine
And I don’t know why at the time I acted the way I did because I was definitely at fault
But all I know is I’m asking for forgiveness
I crave forgiveness
I need forgiveness just as I need to breathe

I’m not sure if you feel the same way
And I don’t know if I’ll ever know
Oh the wonder
So I’m writing this in case you stumble over it one day
Oh the anticipation

I need my friend back
A friendship was broken on that day along with many things
But most importantly a friendship
And I have been searching and seeking for something that will fulfill that position of a best friend and nothing has come along
Nothing is good enough

I just need my friend back
Someone to talk to at the end of the day
But that was ruined and for that I need to say I’m sorry

Why won’t you leave me alone?
All I want in this world is to rid the caverns of my mind from your face
Your eyes
And I don’t even know what else
Everything?

It’s been long enough now
I keep telling myself that I’ve had enough time to cope
But then I play with the fact that you’re still thinking of me
And the cycle of wonderment begins again
And again
And
Again
Until I’ve driven myself into endless thoughts that I regret

And it doesn’t help that your friends post pictures of you
I really don’t like having you pop up in the middle of my life
Like the first flower of spring
Except I like that
But not you
And I have to keep telling myself that
So when the petals break through the snow
I don’t freak out

But I still do

Will I ever stop?