its funny
now that we all hide our faces
(like they were ever real at all)
that everyone seems to care what we look like
when the real masks were inside
and they've been there the whole time

some days i am real
a living breathing person
i speak and laugh and smile
but not today
today i am made of air
as tangible as love
but containing none of it

taking things
truly
one step at a time

things have been rough
and you caught me at a bad time
but i might just be
better
now.

things are still hard
but the struggle fells worth it
now.

why
why did you have to ******* say that
even if it's true
why'd you say it?
do i scare you?
am i scary?

and y'know the wort part?
the worst part is
i thought you cared about me
thought you were helping me
thought you wanted
to help me

but i get it now
you're just too nice
too nice to tell me
that i freak you out
too scared to see me
**** myself
to tell me to
get out

i wish i could say i'm not good enough for you.
that you deserve someone better,
or that this is a bad decision;
you don't know what you're doing.
or something equally edgy and sad.
but, honestly?
i believe you
and i trust you.
and i love you too.

every time i meet someone new
the first question i ask is always

"what's your favorite color?"

because what seems like such a simple question
with such a insignificant answer
means so much to me.

i believe every person has a color
that one color that just resonates with their soul
who they are as a person

and i always love when i can get a specific answer
more than just "blue"
because blue is everything from soft and unimposing,
powder fresh and feminine
to immense and expansive
ocean deep and holding the universe suspended in its darkness

my favorite color is red
like blood splatter gone tacky
a deep shade of ruby
the color of wine drunk
and a midnight bowl of splat hair dye fresh out of the box
its the color of bad choices
and intense love

his color is orange.
like a fox's warm coat
or the sky before the sun sinks away.
he is the color of finality
comfort and heat
he's the last chapter of a story
a satisfying conclusion
to me, he is orange, and orange is
all of the burn from red
with none of the hurt

"hold your breath, sweetie"

with everything around me
muffled and distorted,
slowed and darkened,
to an intoxicating mush
that leaves me breathless;
how can you expect me
not to want this beauty
inside my lungs?

i want to write
but it feels like  the things i want to say are in a another language
that even i can't understand
its not a bad thing
i dont think
just...
strange i guess.

challenging my own thoughts
battling my own mind
it isn't all-or-nothing
i will not overgeneralize
the positive things are there
not jumping to conclusions
just because i feel it, doesn't mean it's true
no regrets, only now
i can do this
i can get better

i just snorted the powder
from the bottom
of a sour gummy worms bag

it burns

i hate myself for caring
because i know it only hurts us both
but you fill a space inside of me where nothing else seems to fit

maybe im a *******
because it hurts
and it's awful
and its better than any drug ive done

it makes my hands shake
and my breath hitch
still

I can't
I ******* can't
I can't care anymore
It ***** with my head

But the problem is
I can't stop
If this is what living is
I wish I was ******* dead

ive been dreaming
all week long
dancing around
like every word is a song
ive been dreaming
of you and me
about what could happen
if i left for the sea

a memory
of purple and green
like wildflowers
a silly thing
old love
fond memories
and bitter feelings
faded
young love
running in circles
chasing a train
confetti and adventure
old bones and lit cigarettes
memories of a day
when we were both happy
when all i needed
was you

i hardly remember
maybe one day i will share it
but it was nice
and it is mine
like a secret
i want to keep it for myself
because lately it seems
that not many things are

the little i'll say
is that he wore a halo
and the sky was beautiful
beneath us

i dont know what you want
but if it isnt me
then just move on
cut the cord now
instead of straining it
until it snaps
because dragging me along
will only hurt me more
so please
unless you really want this
dont take it
because it's all i have left

i like
homemade chocolate chip cookies
and my moms spaghetti
i like dead rappers (and some alive ones)
and rock music from the 2000's
i like boys with curly hair
and dancing with no music at all
i like the 90's
i like rollerblading and neon colors
i like safety pins and key chains
i like over-accessorizing
i like little plastic animals
i love my friends
i love my family
(no matter how wrong it is)
i like ap english class
and free t-shirts
i like running
and climbing trees
i like my bangs
and having my makeup done
i like my art
im proud of it
i like paint on my jeans
and not being bullied
i like compliments from pretty girls
i like pretending i'm the queen
i like thinking about you
i like my life
i love you
and i love me

pointy needle
in soft skin
hold my hand
like a friend
take my blood
make a change
empty out
ignore the pain
this is cool
im okay
a little dizzy
but im glad i came

i don't want to die alone.
i crave the touch of another, the feeling of darkness, warmth, security. weight on every inch of my body. a cocoon of some strong, stable arms holding together the pieces of me that want to escape. to disappear.

she's someone new
but she isn't

a lifelong friend
making me feel
the fluttery wings
of little pink butterflies inside
small and soft
billowing silk
holding me up

sort of like the curtains
in my old bedroom
pink and flying
in the ocean wind

i don't think i love her
but i really could

the color of insomnia. the color of losing too much weight. the color of bad *** and regrets. the color of never really healing. the color being alone.

i kind of realized
that i kind of hate you

not because of a broken heart
or some stupid teenage drama story

but because honestly,
all of my life i have been above that

you made me something i wasn't

and i kind of hate you for it

please
take all the time in the world

i can
i will
wait for you

i never want you to feel
anything but loved and appreciated
when you are with me

so if that means going slowly
or not going at all
then i can live with that

because you mean more to me than anything else

he made you suffer
you make me suffer
i make you both suffer
together we are insufferable
but apart
we all suffer
we cannot stand eachother
and yet we are a perfect harmony
of wild and angry and tense and sad
and yet we are happy
a perfect trio
father son and spirit
him, you and i
i love you both
you love us both
he loves us both
we are one
of suffering
and i hate it

maybe
if i
say
something
you could
understand
what i'm
trying
to
say

broken hearts
tend to heal
people move on
         ~          
you're not dying
you will live without me
you will meet another girl
with pretty brown eyes
and a careful soul
or maybe she'll be different
who knows?

point is:
i wont feel bad
for your broken heart
it'll fix itself in time
ask any of the people
that loved me before
you'll get over it
         ~
they always do

the world is turning
moving and shifting.
every millennia.
but we only get one chance
one life.
and in every life
we find love
and in every second
i find myself
looking for you.

she held a fragile butterfly
in the palm of her gentle hand
it wings moving,
not the the rapid flutter of flight,
but slowly, considerately.
her dusty colors shifted
like an oil spill over the heavens.
she tried to hold her;
keep her safe.
she loved her inevitably,
for she was innocent.
she never knew
right from wrong,
good and bad,
true evil.
she only knew the ways of the world;
to ****
or be killed.
this fight
is one which will always be lost
on both sides.

it feels like
everything
is slipping away.