she held a fragile butterfly
in the palm of her gentle hand
it wings moving,
not the the rapid flutter of flight,
but slowly, considerately.
her dusty colors shifted
like an oil spill over the heavens.
she tried to hold her;
keep her safe.
she loved her inevitably,
for she was innocent.
she never knew
right from wrong,
good and bad,
true evil.
she only knew the ways of the world;
to ****
or be killed.
this fight
is one which will always be lost
on both sides.

it feels like
everything
is slipping away.

to come close to me
or say something
anything

you dont have to
but i'd like it if you did

i'll see you in the morning
either way

the doctors use fancy words
they make sadness sound like science
they scrub you up and turn you out
fresh
raw
exposed
with a 50% chance of survival

half of these people
follow up
they keep going
keep working
get better
they survive
with only scars and memories
to show for their pain

and some people, the other half
they fall out
into the dirt
they get infected
it spreads past the skin
to the heart lungs and brain
it kills them
they die
a little scrape
that they tried to fix
kills them.

i need you now like an open wound needs oxygen and care
i need you to survive
so that i can

i don't have to fall in love

i'm happy

i don't need anyone to "love" me
in order to validate myself

i know that i am good
i am strong and beautiful and kind
i am complex and thoughtful and wise
i am a woman...

and i don't have to fall in love.

im okay with someday
someday means maybe
maybe one more kiss
another hug
less tears
maybe there will be
us again

but

someday can also be
forever

not never,
but forever waiting
hoping
holding on to something
that has long since passed

someday can be
forgotten
being alone and hopeless
being in love with the wrong person

someday can be me
getting married
having kids
a career
a life
but stumbling across
the facebook page
of a boy i still love
and forever knowing
what could have been

someday is never quite moving on
someday is being halfway satisfied
someday is better than never

but it still hurts

it's been months since i really thought about you
and even longer since i saw your face
i've seen you around, sure
but only the back of your head
for just a few seconds in the hall

today i saw you again
really saw you

and i wont lie
my heart skipped a little.

i wonder how long it will take for that to stop happening
i wonder if it ever will

december is pretty cool ig
the girl i like got me a present
and she LOVES the one i got her
lots of celebration and rituals and stuff
i made some bread
okay i made a lot of bread
and ive dried my herbs
so idk man
its december
lets just vibe

all of you
drive me mad
and the angry things
make me sad
why must we all
be so bad
being hateful to one another
is a new fad
being rude for no reason
is totally rad

my brain
is not prone
to logical
thought.

not feminine
not delicate or sweet
my hands were not made for gentle things

i have long fingers
and aching bones
my joints are ******
my knuckles are bruised
my skin is scarred

my hands were not made to be beautiful
they were made for communication and creation
they were made for climbing and fighting
they were made to make things beautiful
and for appreciating the things that already are

my words are who i am
and somewhere along they line
i stopped writing who i was
i wrote for you to read
but i won't do that anymore
i wont let myself
be only for you
my words are who i am
and i am not yours anymore

so basically
sometimes
it kinda feels
like
maybe
you're making excuses
to not be with me

which is stupid
and (most likely) not true

but if it is,
it's okay
you don't have to want to be with me
we can still be friends
just say that you don't
want me
if you don't

metal on metal
is it worth your life?
running on gravel
cutting time with a knife

no point in chasing
in the end it's all the same
temptation is tasteless
too tired for games

wandering
through space and time
no
through my house
from one room to the next
knowing it isn't my home

wondering
who will be next
to fall under my blade
who can i hurt
more than the last

but the beauty of it is
eventually
you learn how to live without love
and when you're alone
the only person you can hurt is
you

i wish i could help you
because i know how it hurts
i wish i could save you
because ive been there before
but i cant if you cant let me
and i cant help wondering
if you pushing me away
means you need me gone
or if its a cry for me to hold you closer

i am not going to get any better
i have struggled with my problems for my entire life
and i will continue to for the rest of it
but i can be better for you
you can come back from this
you have a chance
please dont waste it.

coming from a person that felt how you feel
when she was six
let someone help you
let people in
or you will lose your chance
this is not something you can do alone


if anything i have ever said
meant anything you
then listen to this.
please
let someone love you
get better
if nothing else
do it for me

let someone love you

our love may be messy
and confusing
and unstable at times
but it is real
and it is whole
and the way i love you
is yours and yours only
because i have loved before
but the important thing
is that they didn't last
but you,
you're still here.
and so am i
and as far as im concerned
i always will be

too loud music
laughing at myself
who am i now?
vapor spills
toxic thrills
where am i now?
missing him
kissing her
what are we now?
~
in a stall
haunt the halls
i hate this school
i hate them all
too much makeup
too much money
laughing at him
(it's not funny)

why do i sit here
decoding and overthinking
trying so hard
to figure out
if he really likes me

why do i care
if he thinks about me
if he wants me

i try so hard
to see things the way i want them to be
not the way they are

the colors and motion and *******
the apathy and edge and aloofness

useless brushstrokes
pointless scratches on paper

what is an artist without his ego?

**** emotions and love and ****.
it's all filler.

i know i have no right
to be jealous
to be impulsive
to keep ******* things up

i wish we could talk
but i don't want to make things worse
(i usually do)
i dont want you to start pushing me away again

im stupid
i say stupid stuff

usually to get a reaction
because im an attention *****
a narcissist
whatever

i dont really have much to say now
i love you
i guess
as stupid as that is
it's true

colors
collide -

we are
mismatched -

bad boy loves
good girl -

bad girl
loves lost boy -

leather and
dyed cotton -

we don't
match

but opposites
attract -

walking home
all alone

the sky is gray
and my heart is heavy

today the rain
hits the ground
harder than it should

twisting and turning
hurting and burning
because the world is against you
always
because tall boys can hurt you
good friends can turn you
everything will leave you
with nothing at all

yes, your boyfriend will dump you
your teachers will flunk you
your mother will hate you forever
your coworkers are lazy
the doc thinks you're crazy
religion will call you a freak

i guess if everything is always awful
no matter what you do

go ahead and hate me: im having fun
and you could be having fun too

he is bitter
and acid on my tongue

with sugar
(sometimes)

ice clinking
on a crystal glass

i want
so badly
to be

but i don't think
i am

i feel like my tastes
in everything-
people, music, fashion,
****, even my lifestyle choices
are all devolving
into some disgusting puddle