i lost my innocence at eight years old
and i wish someone would have told me that
i wish i hadn't figured it out by myself when my trust in anything that was supposed to be safe was already long gone
i wish i hadn't walked up to him
i wish i wasn't afraid to tell people that i did because i'm afraid to hear someone blame me for it
i wish i didn't blame me for it
i wish i never have to experience that awful feeling of simultaneous disgust, shame, dirtiness, and confusion again
every time i've taken my shirt off for ten years straight.
when i shower.
when anyone touches me even in the most innocent way.
that feeling like the only way i could ever feel completely clean would be to burn my skin off.
that feeling that consumes my mind out of the blue and suddenly i'm that little girl in the green and white striped skort again that didn't understand what happened to her
just that it was bad
the little girl that nobody taught to differentiate between what was okay along with the real, blunt reason why and what happened to her so any sort of physical contact with people felt wrong
i wish i could never feel that again
i wish it could be night all the time and no one would ever be around
they warn you about wandering too far from home when you're alone
about going out after dark and playing in places without people around
about the bad people, the sick malicious perverts, that you have to watch out for
they don't tell you about the good people that just don't know what they're doing
they don't tell you about the grandfather with dementia watching his grandson play at the park in broad day light surrounded by people
at least, they don't tell you to stay away from him
daylight has never made me feel more secure than darkness
and seeing people nearby has never brought me comfort
because nothing has ever made me feel more unsafe and vulnerable than that day in the park
in broad daylight
surrounded by people

i dreamed of being so light i could just get up and float away from this dark place i had trapped myself in
i did it.
with it i got a brand new addiction to appetite suppressants
i dreamed of getting a second chance with a man i hardly knew but liked the idea of
i got it.
with it i got an abusive relationship that came out of nowhere and hit like a brick to the jaw
i dreamed my parents would divorce to end the hatred and yelling that constantly filled the place i didn't want to call home
they did.
with it i got forgotten about
i wanted to love myself so i changed to fit the only version of myself i could ever pretend to love
i wanted someone else to love me so i accepted that just saying it was good enough even if their actions told me otherwise
i wanted to live in peace and quiet so i ignored my home, that had long been held together by my father, as it crumbled all around me
i got everything i ever wanted
but nothing lasts forever
and nothing good lasts for very long at all when you break everything you touch
and then there's nothing good left to come around
i had everything i ever wanted
and now i have self worth that relies solely on the number on a scale, my trust in everyone around me running on empty, and a broken home that no one that stuck around to watch the demolition of has any to desire to mend

i had a whole $10 yesterday morning but then beer and cigarettes happened and now i have 0.

i knew you were dangerous for me when i stopped taking my medicine
true happiness, that rare euphoric feeling that isn't chemically induced, is always dangerous for me because when it's over i'm left alone with nothing but my own corrupt mind and no will to bare a lifetime of my own natural state
true happiness is going to **** me one day

i shouldn't have the privilege of feeling sad when people leave me because i never do anything to show them that i wanted them to stay in the first place

i hurt myself countless times today
but only this time not physically
i hurt myself like i won't stop thinking about the things that make me feel worthless
i hurt myself like i daydream about the boys that make me feel unsure of myself just when my confidence was starting to rise
i hurt myself like i let these feelings take over my mind completely so that whether or not i think i'm good enough is based on my assumptions of why everyone that momentarily makes me feel secure doesn't talk to me for a day or two
i hurt myself like i'm writing these ******* thoughts down on paper as if thinking deeper about it is going to do anything other than rip open old wounds
i hurt myself like i sabotage my own happiness because it's so easy to tear down what is just a light veil draped over all these years of self hatred and low self esteem that has built up so much it could reach the earths core
i hurt myself like i know i won't stop until i've convinced myself that i am nothing

i'm afraid to be awake at night alone
not because of the darkness in my room or the monsters under my bed
but the darkness in my heart and the monsters in my head

i am young and i am weak
my life is progressing and i'm afraid i'm being left behind
though i have no motivation to try and catch up
my memories of family dinners consist of shouting and more shouting
accompanied by the distinct feeling of my body slowly beginning to explode from the inside out from the frustration of never being able to make it stop
all i wanted was dead silence
all i got was a painfully loud abyss that devoured my entire being in flames of anger that i'm still hoping will one day fizzle out
i was certain i would never want to have another one again
but my father is in europe with the new woman in his life
worrying that he's begun to neglect his children that have become too accustomed to change to even notice if he doesn't call as often as before
and my mother is staying the night at a man's house that she hardly knows
something she would've insisted she would never be the type to do
and this kitchen table that has sat vacant for two years forces me to realize that the sounds of hatred and shouting are like a lullaby to me
and god knows i need some sleep

i feel my mind getting sicker
polluted by my constant being alone
i suppose i have ambitions but my unsettling disregard for how my life turns out clouds every corner of my thoughts
i rather dabble with alcoholism than improve my art
i rather block out all the noise of the world with music every day and every night than try harder to graduate
i rather drive myself insane stuffing every issue inside my head to mingle with my frustration and befriend my sadness than simply tell people how i feel
i rather die than live to age 30 and see my beauty fade right before my eyes
i rather pull away from great people than risk them trying to analyze what my impulsive and irrational actions mean
this is how it feels to hit rock bottom at seventeen

distant thoughts and torn up places
ridiculed hearts and demolished faces
depicted as love but all i feel is hate
if you surround yourself with flowers
you do not truly appreciate
the darkness in my mind
pitch black in every corner
my knowledge is a light
but this light is for me
only i can see
you try to get in
youre trying to win
a competition of mental instability
comparing yourself to the dirts fertility
you are not a flower
you are not a maze
you are a scared little girl
trapped in a haze
you think being sad is a trend?
well i'll tell you what, my friend
this depressions gonna trap you
and it will never end

she wondered how you managed to keep your **** in your pants for so long
all while you ****** me to her favorite song
i remember the season
i remember the day
she walked up to my door
and she called me a *****
she slapped me across the face and turned to you
"promise you wont see her anymore?"
you nodded as you stared at my lips
imagining yours tracing my hips
i can see the heartbreak in her eyes
as she sees you scan my thighs
you love her but this love has made you sick
you're stuck and its thick
you're only escape is where i let you put your ****
she can make you stay
but she can't make you leave
she can have you
but not at 3 am when you crave my empty touch
you want to be numb and you know i don't feel much
i'm your sweet escape, but i have a bitter aftertaste

you asked me why i didn't want you anymore
why i stopped answering your calls after that one night on the couch when all you did was try to make me feel wanted
why i wasn't letting you fix me
why i got angry when you tried to show how much you cared
why i needed a different boy to touch me every night to keep me from crying
why you weren't enough
why when you told me you loved me all i could say was "i'm sorry"
why i didn't care that i was hurting you
why i was no longer the girl you fell for
why i built walls around my mind so no one could get in
why i wouldn't break down those walls for you
why i hated so passionately when i could be loving
why i make the sky gray even when it is blue
i asked you why you thought you loved me
why you said you couldn't live without me yet there you stood without me, your heart beating at a steady pace
why you thought a girl that didn't want to accept your sick idea love just needed to be loved harder
why you were trying to analyze my every move as if you could ever figure me out
why you felt i should belong to you
why you thought me not wanting you was because i would never want anybody
why you thought all the boys i was with were only there to help me cover up a pain i felt inside and not because i wanted them there
why you thought the answer to everything was that i'm ****** up
why you felt you did nothing wrong to ever make me not want you around
why you thought when i said that i was yours i meant you could touch me even when i said no
why you thought you could put your hands on me and hurt me and blame me for the physical and mental pain you were causing me
why you felt i needed to stay because saying "but i love you" justified what you did to me
why you let me make your perfect blue sky gray

overthinking until our past no longer seems real
and i never saw your face
or noticed the way you looked at me like you knew why i cried