And here I sit
in this old restaurant,
-- i wonder what history this table holds
eating food gone cold.

It's 10 til close
and I'm that *******
who refuses to leave.
-- they wonder what i'm avoiding by being here

My eyes glued
to a laptop I can't read,
they've long glossed over,
and I came here to work.
--i wonder if they watch and ponder me
I should probably go

All I can think of is sleep
but I flinch at the thought of
what lies behind closed lids.
-- they wonder when they'll get to go home
10 minutes have passed

For years
I’ve kept it down.

It’s a
         pillow over mouth
         blanket over head
         Duct-tape and Gags
sort of feeling

Because I’m ok
    (they have to think im ok)
    (i dont know why but they have to)

It’s been
               Building
               Boiling
               Burning

               music in my ears
               words at my fingers
               Ties and Shackles

I have to be ok
    (if i tell myself that it has to be true)
    (i dont know why but i have to)

Really I’m Fine

then she told me
        - Maybe you should talk to someone?
        - I mean maybe... Ill be fine tho
        - Trust me, thats what I thought too
           but I did, and you kno the story better than anyone
        - If I find time then I guess so
        - Yus! I’m glad. Itll be goooood for you

Too bad my schedule’s full.

It’s fine
I’m fine
    (this hasnt been enough of a problem)
    (its been ok up until now)
    (this has always been there though)

why do I feel like this though?
              What do you guys talk about in that chat?
              Why do you like me? I’m a *****...
              Haha it’s not stupid! Why don’t you like it?
              *******!
              I make myself laugh more than I do others.
              Is this normal?
              HA!! Oh sorry...
              I’m a very self-aware person, self-reflective. It’s hard to explain...
             What? Is that stupid?
             Haha... yeah...
             im sad

I feel weird...
Why do I feel weird?
    (it isnt good. whats wrong? somethings wrong)
am I normal?
can someone help?
What am i doing wrong? whats wrong...
    (its not ok)
           im sad

Welp
You did it.
You made me cry.

It’s been so long too
    so long
I was doing alright —
    shoving stuff down
    because thats what im good at

But this uncorked a whole bottle
    of my Grade A Premium Tears—
    youre welcome by the way
    theyre nice and aged
    i know its your favorite drink

I wonder if you even know—
That you made me cry...
and if you do, then are you gonna apologize?
    because ive got stuff to do
    that wasnt just an excuse
        So... I mean, that wasn’t really called for.

I wonder how long you’ll take
This time.
    its never been that long before
    itd take longer if it was genuine
You’re good at saying sorry but you never mean it.
    youre like the opposite of my last one

Usually it’s, “I’m sorry, I love you, I know I’m a ****.”
And I say, “It’s ok, you are but I love you anyways.” —
    because for some reason i do
    i dont know why
    i probably shouldn’t, you really are an ***
    but like... youre hot
    and im *****
        So—
        I’m 95% sure I do love you.

I wonder if it’s you who made me mean?
    or if it was them
    theyre ***** too
Maybe I was always mean, and you brought it out—
    i wouldnt be surprised
    i can be a *****
        That’s why this is a problem anyways.

I do know
You made me cry
It’s been so long.

I think cats have 6 senses
No, make that 7

1. Touch
2. Smell
3. Taste
4. Sight
5. Hearing

6. Emotion
7. Comfort

Yes, I think cats are the best animals
when it comes to intuition like that

They come to you planning nothing more than a mew or two
and when you break
They stay
right by your side
to roll onto their sides and let you touch their tummies
                                            (something they'd normally never do)
to stretch their backs and lovingly swat at your sweaty crying face
                                            (something they'd normally never do)
to careen their necks and allow you to stroke their ears
                                            (something they'd normally never do)
to raise their hinds and beg for you to hold them
                                            (something they'd normally never do)
purring the whole time


Yes, I think cats are the best animals
because unlike dogs, who love too easily and all the time
                                             (something I'm far too familiar with)
their love is reserved
for just the right time
when you need it most

And you know it's genuine
When it's love from a cat.

She lives her life with tears in her eyes.
From day to day, tears in her eyes.

No one can tell—
she hides them so well—
with bangs down,
and a smile on her face.

                   ~              

The general disposition
that showing emotion
makes you weak.

Why should she show them anyways?
When no one can make her feel better
    and no one understands
the pain in her heart that resides there from day to day.

It originates from small things that bug her
                       to things people say—
and the fact that they just don't understand.
                                          No one understands.

It's always the same,
they get defensive
when she tells them the truth
and how she really feels.

but she's so tired of hiding and pretending to be ok

You are
a new, exciting challenge.

With the games you play,
I'll never be able to tell
if I'm winning or not.
(but you can bet your happy trail I'll try)

Are you really
as cold as you seem?
Distant and Reflective

You are water.
Forever breezy—
go with the flow
and float on the ripples.

And I am plexiglass.
I don't break—
I shatter
but it takes a lot.

If you think about it,
(and I know you do)
the best container
for reckless water
is a plexiglass tank.

and it can hold
a myriad
of different things.