You get these thoughts.
Dangerous thoughts.
Thoughts you should not think about.
Thoughts you should not dare to think about.

It happens when
You are in an empty room
With your baby cousin,
Your little sister,
Little brother,
Or the child of your mother’s best friend.

These thoughts are too strong
That you cannot stop thinking,
And thinking
To the point that makes you sick.

It is sickening.

It happens when
You are both alone.
Her soft skin brushes against your arm.
She asks you questions with those
Black eyes.

Clueless,
Innocent.

You know she trusts you.
Looking at her perfect skin,
Flick of jealousy fills your gut.
You wonder what will happen to her,
One she loses
The light in her eyes.

But remember, child. No one must know about this.
Keep them locked.
Deep inside your mind.
Don’t you dare let anyone see.

You need to realize
That these thoughts must be kept
Yours.
Yours and yours only.

And you must remember
To never,
Ever take an advantage of a child.
For she and he remembers.

A child remembers.

You remember,
Don’t you?

My father
Was a violent person
Hot tempered, serious, tense.
Always, always tense.

I tried to deny it
But deep inside
I feared him.

Whenever I sensed a sudden change in his eyes,
A sudden flicker of anger on his face,
And even a sudden thickness in the air,
The fear kept creeping back

It was not the alcohol
That turned him into a monster.
Just how, in the right mind of a person,
Punch his wife,
Tear her hairs out of her scalp
And leave her body with bruises?

Just how, in the right mind of a person
Abuse his wife in front of his daughter,
Nonetheless of her daughter’s presence?

He’d hurt me too sometimes
When I tried to intervene,
To save my weak mother away from his grip.

He never apologized.
Not even once.

How do you feel today, my love?

Are you tired?*

How about we go out for a walk?

The weather’s beautiful today.

Do you want to go outside?

No?

Then shall we watch a movie? The choice is yours.

Okay, we’ll do that.

Go and set the room. I’ll get some snack for us to eat.

I love you too.

*I love you very much.

I love the sound of your heart.
Thud-dub-thud-dub-thud-dub-thud-dub
So strong and steady.
It makes me feel homesick
for a place I’m not sure even exists.

I no longer know who I am, who I was, or who I wanted to be.
I just want to lay here and listen to the sound
Of your heartbeats until
I die.

How sad it is to know that this
Steady beatings
will come to an end,
And there will no longer be you.

You, my love. My life. My hero.
I live for you, my love. I lived for you.

Please don’t leave me.
Just stay here, next to me, in this place, you and I.
We’ll go look for a place for us to hide.
Or we could just hide here,
Here in our shelter.

Please, please, please. Don’t let me go. How can I,
how can I ever live without you?
But for now, I’ll close my eyes
Pretend I’m asleep, next to the sound
Of your dying heartbeat.

Just help me maintain this tranquility.
I do not wish to drown, nor do I wish to leave this dark abyss
Behind.  

I do not mind the cold water.
I know I belong here.

I am slowly losing my sanity,
Knowing this dark could drag me under
In any second.

I am a fragile china.

And I,
I am not asking for a savior;
Not a ship or salvation.

Just leave me untouched in this blue sea.

If this is where I belong.

at eighteen
you walked away from
your house
and darling,
you were so brave.
you were always so brave.

i can imagine just how hard
it must have been for you
to walk away.
from your angry father
and your depressed mother.
you never wanted to leave her behind
but you needed to go.
you heard your own heart in your ears.
and your shaky legs,
you first needed to save yourself.

embrace yourself.
when he first touched your face
you thought you might explode
into small pieces of fireworks.
no one has ever made you feel
like he did
and right at that moment,
for the first time in your eighteen years,
you felt contented.

and when he walked you home
and pulled you into a tight hug,
you could hear your father's violence
from the back of your mind.

now, it is new years eve
and you are standing in the middle of the night beach,
your feet against the soft sand.
you hear the waves rushing back and forth,
trying to touch your toes,
and when they finally do,
you are pulled under.

you are thinking about him.
the boy who made you feel
like a firework.
the same boy who left
without a word.
it's been a long time since he's been on your mind.

and out of the blue
you remember that rainy day
when you closed the front door behind you
and walked towards the station
with the small suitcase tightly clutched in your hand

for a moment
you've have forgotten the brave girl
with eyes determined as a dark storm.

breathing in the smell of the sea,
you stare into a dark endless horizon.
you cannot see a thing.
it's a never ending abyss
and for a minute
you wonder if
you are still brave.

you are brave, my love.
you are brave.
you have always been so brave.