If I could write the days into a memory i could forget....
than i could foreshadow the future I havent seen yet....
Id scribble down the worst of my life... But always sign the best...
Put my heart onto the paper and keep it out of my chest.....
But a stationary hero isnt the answer for my worded crimes....
Like the emotion cannot be beautiful grammar or rhymes......
A Fragile label cannot be placed on the package i deliver....
The damage is real like my poisoned liver....
I declare a proclamation of Houston we have a Problem....
I know my problems.... Words they wont solve them....
So Scribbled shaky pen stains on bar napkins became my bible.....
The pain was a memory not a selfish revival.....
If you can see yourself within my written pain.....
All I mean to say is " I wish I could See you Once Again"......

Mind of a sinner heart of a saint ....
Stimulated fakeness that makes others faint...
Sitting out playing with time and guns....
Dont judge I never learned to walk before i had to run......
Last nights bottle is the first shot of my day...
Each time I start it pushes everyone farther away.....
You might try to save me.... But I dont want to be found...
Truth be told i hate it up here... Id rather be under the ground...

Exit signs are
Appealing  to those
Who never felt
Invited.....

I hate the way an "Unfriend" can bring you to tears....
The non "Like" of a photo is equal to death.....
The way a "Tweet" is not meant for birds...
How taking pictures of yourself is now a thing....
The words typed by phone...
Is now a way to make you feel alone...
Now i'm not even old i grew up with this...
But for a world now at our fingers....
I think we forgot how to use our feet...
To walk to our loves...
To simply say words....
I am not a hypocrite i know its what i do....
The world has changed to make things easy and simple....
But a thing like love hasn't changed For a while....
Everyone is always on line saying "Anonymous" things....
"Liking" memories they never took part in.....
"Poking" at someone to get an Emoticon response...
I guess a technological advance.....
Means a human feeling recession...
I guess if love was a valued currency...
We would both be broke somewhere...
Between Happiness and Forever.....

Seems like the nite claimed another homie ........
When did life equal  " ***** you owe me!"
Youth blasted difference over a current narcotic debt.....
What is the pain we haven't seen yet?
I hugged mothers..father's. ... sisters..... brothers......
Seen kids crying alone underneath there covers......
I learned later colors no longer shine.....
If there not flaggin the right one they're no longer mine....
The terrible thing is I got out with a grin...
Like being away absolved all my sin.....
We gangsta we hard we don't give a ****......
That is till one of our loved ones finally gets hit.......
So while you gain respect and become a baller.....
Take the ones closest too you and price them a dollar.....
Because every move you make will make there lives cheap....
Is it worth the painful nights you hurt so much you can't even sleep?
Fast money and hoes lifestyles of the ****
Only put you further into the grave you proudly dug....
I don't have an answer I'm not wise enough to get out.....
But read these words and you'll know what it's all about.....

I could steal your car... Before you stole my heart....
Thats when I felt  "Our"  love truly start....
I looked like hell....My eye black from fights...
Before my darkness was engulfed in your light....
My weapons of hate kept always near....
Being with you... I forgot all my fear......
My backwards hat... The way i used to dress.....
I must have looked Stupid....... Now i dress for success...
Jail wasn't just seeing my crew.....
It was a hell  that kept me away from you....
My "*******'s!" and Angry stares....
Are now opening doors.... And pulling out chairs
The respect I  "Earned"..... Being told " I Must..."
Means nothing now.... I only want your trust....
Break and enters now a thing in the past...
Because you entered my heart and I want that to last....
Loud music to endless Screams.....  
Are now quiet whispers.... Having you in my dreams....
Being an object of someone elses fear...
I know what im scared of... Not having you near...
The concrete heart I used to never feel...
For the first time feels vulnerable... Open and  Real.....
All my girls.... My one night stands...
I now tell them all .......Im your "Man".....
Ive been stabbed... Beaten.... Ive been shot....
Losing you would hurt worse... Your all i've got....
I no longer see rivals and want to attack...
I know that you truly ......"Got my back".....
No more white rags to feel I belong......
Your what ive been missing all along....
No longer do I want a connection to "crime"...
I just wanna be with you..... All the time....
I cant believe that your not scared of my past....
I am terrified.... me and you wont last....
Because before you were a "hunny" a "shorty" A "boo"
Now I dont have a word amazing enough to describe You...
To you I was never a  GANGSTER..... I was only ever DAVE...
And to me you were an ANGEL... who deemed me worthy to SAVE.....

Like people are rewarded in public for what the practiced by themselves for years...
Walk into life with the acceptance that it is not going to be given to you...
Quit making ******* excuses.... these are only you showcasing your faults....
GREATNESS is not earned like a paycheck.... merely allowed to escape from the fear that held it back.....
If failure makes you quit then to succeed at your craft never truly lived within....
Death is a part of life and to live never meant a lifetime a minute can be spent LIVING....
HOLD NO ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FAILURES BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER GIVE CREDIT TO ANYONE FOR YOUR SUCCESS.....
When standing on the path of greatness haters will only throw storms of "you cant" and "you wont" in your face.....
Brace yourself stand where you are...... You don't have to move forward but DONT move back.....
PAIN can and will be the greatest asset to your vision don't let it anchor you to mediocrity....
WHEN you finally die leave no room for regret I can only hope as I go only happy memories of independent growth flash before my eyes...
PASS it on there is never a cap for greatness it can live forever DO NOT let it die with you....
SUCCESS CANNOT BE MEASURED BY ANYONE BUT YOU IF YOU ARE TRYING TO SUCCEED FOR OTHERS YOU WILL FAIL....

Write like a G is the only way I know now
Like the hustle and flow movie is my life.....
A dollar out of a dime when i dont have a cent theory
Makes sense when I see my credit
But all that material paper isnt the goal
A beautiful life i created is my only success
So if I ever make a dollar out of this sense....
It will always be hers.... Thats my theory.......

Shelter me like I'm "homeless".......
Not be a use I don't have an address.....
Merely because if home houses your heart....
There is a missing poster on the back of your ***** bottle....
Like the mistake on the bark where I once carved " true love"....
Happiness became of parking lot no occupied by strangers
Like titles reflect the hierarchy of spots closest to your heart
Methamphetamine now occupies the spot reserved for mom, dad and best friend
But time is a magician pulling white rabbits from memories ......
Where your the only audience members and you can only ask "how?".....
But like tricks fade into logic i always see the illusion
And memories become anger against the fraudulent belief in "time"
Grief is not a one night event where disbelief could refund your happiness....
And forgive ushers who now seem more like drug dealers....
Because the best seat they could offer only got you closer to regret
Life is the greatest notice pinned on a corkboard in shady establishments
Where the small print cannot be read at a passing glance
So later on in the alley where you self medicate.....
The dumpster contains the poster you so blindly believed.....
Now you see the possible outcome to the " greatest show on earth".....
Professionals on a closed course...... trained professionals should not be attempted at home.....
And I guess like I already said if my heart is "home".....
Then as an amateur on life's stage I'll leave actors like happiness, success and bliss to wow people at a great expense.....
But like a fool I invested every hope I saved into them.....
Now I'm bankrupt and homeless staring from the alley between life and death...
But the best part about next door is its free....
And must be worth the cost... no one ever seems to come out.....

What I see is the product of wholesale hate.... an inexpensive solution to happiness… a scratched table leg...
The memory of laughter around a table or in a red station wagon... Long trips in a car with no air conditioning.. When i found out my feet were no longer kissable...
The thought of " Im Happy"..... Maybe its never a good feeling....
Then i learnt that distance is equal to money... Then it was not watching you eat cake...
My wishes were no longer " Ours"....
A bike ride became an excuse to watch the highway.... high flying jumps as you drove by a honk was as good as a hug....
Being mad as you were always asleep in your spot... Hating the dent on the couch...
Now wishing that the imperfection of furniture meant you were still here...
Watching the spot in our garage fill with picture albums...
Where every garage sale Our memories were only a buck....
That day when our red station wagon became a shiny new truck... Still red but to clean as if we were not gritty....
My Friday nights when ten o'clock was the limit.. And faking sober over minty mumblings...
And soon You would say.. "Dont breathe on mom"....
Even though the truth you hid was like a slap in your face...
Saturday morning where a quiet " Davie son"... Was always met by a simple "Im Up"...
A white lie to cover the truth.... I loved Saturdays more than Friday nights...
Fridays were for friends..... Saturday was for my hero, Black tar in faded cups...
Because sugar must have been a luxury you couldnt afford.... I wont drink black coffee anymore......
The more blue creamers make it less painful...
That time you said get out of "His" chair.... Then everyone knew it was MY chair....
Such a simple thing a place where i learned that a set of blue coveralls was as good as a red cape....
A briefcase was not just for lawyers... It was the place where you could find the last picture of us together....
A sunny day where i watched you turn an empty room into a work of art only now I know WE could only appreciate...
The bending two by fours as you made them a highway for black pipes...
That day i carried both tool boxes at the same time... Thinking why did you park so far away?....
But the way you smiled and winked when i put them down...
I catch myself sometimes in moments of pride winking at her.......
Those times where i can hear You in Me and it shoots out my mouth with a "Jesus Christ"...
Then apologies in the form of gifts... Men don't apologize......
I still cant afford your gift.... Maybe its not available in bars.. Or in measured amounts...
It cant be bought all at once...... Only in payments of my best.....
I haven't made a payment in a while....
But I remember I sign an extension every night.... Signed in tears in an office only visible with eyes closed....
Its the only place my chair still exists... A room with a briefcase on a desk... Slurppes with ice cream Dire Straits over the radio....
Playing in a shop i cant get too....
Where i can still carry your tool boxes...
Then flashes of black cowboy boots... Blue coveralls...
But never a smile or a wink...
Then i come back and whimper "Jesus Christ".....
Real men don't cry... Its been a while since i've been a real man...
Now its just an excuse for bars and measurements……

If Pain was a payment....
My bills would all be solved....
If Loneliness was my line of credit....
Then I would max it out for you....
If Sadness was a passport....
We would fly around the world.....
But i only have a coupon called Hope...
And it barely makes a difference on the payment of Life....
And all the I O U's from the bank of Trust...
Barely get me by...
I see the economy of Happiness an empire not worth investing...    Because no price is as low as the discount of Loss......
But i break my life savings kept in Piggy bank called Memories...
And I remember I saved just enough Love to get me thru......

I imagined you as the softest thing i ever touched...
I seen the smile of an angel when you parted your lips...
Your eyes sparkle like a jewel not meant to find....
A sketch artist could not draw what I saw...
I heard the laugh I can only describe like music....
I cant define a tune and I love the mystery.....
You became a unsolved dillema i had to crack....
But I know that as long as I never crack the case...
The clues you leave will be the reason I will work...
A clue like a kiss is going to be analyzed and gone over again and again...
A piece of clothing left by my bed will always be a mystery to me...
I hope you know  the fingerprints I leave on your face...
Are just a prelude to an attempted hair sample...
But as i run my hands thru your hair.....
I knew my search was now over...
I found who you were in your stare...
I am now so in love with the mystery you are...
I dont need to ever figure it out...
I dont wanna understand your moves....
I will not ever be your tail....
I just will sit back and let you keep stealing my heart...

I cant recall the nights I used to stare at stars thinking you would answer
Protesting my state and berating the loss
Children have been less needy than myself.. Handouts of sympathy no longer require my attendance....
Happy birthday only means I have the regret I created loss meant I couldn't be found
Blame is no longer sought... I burned all the memories but theres a few I forgot....
Nitetime hugs seemed so foolish as you always gave me a goodnite kiss...
Id trade everything I have for one more embrace.... Take back everything ive done for one more glimpse of your face...
Oh memories I guess tonight I know that candles on a cake are the one thing I wont blow out.....
with forgotten pain and new brought sorrow..... my birthday wish is simple " I cant wait till tomorrow".....

I cant recall the curve of your body....
I can only see the bend of your smile...
How at night I never slept more comfortable....
On a single bed close to you....
We danced on linoleum dance floors...
With appliance audience.....
Endless selfies together....
Everyone called me.... "Us".....
We saved the planet every morning....
By sharing a shower... Where I know we got dirtier....
The way everyday i picked you up from work...
You ran into my arms like a child....
I knew you since we were small....
You were my sisters best friend....
You became mine....
I still love you... And probably always will....
My dear sweet Terri- Annn....
You are my reason for believing in love...
Keep my heart it was always yours...
And if you want to dance or laugh...
Ill be here in the kitchen with arm extended....
To tell you a joke....
Because i cant remember the curve of your body...
But i lived for the bend of your smile....

A day is not the same without you now....
Like i remember days before that....
I close my eyes not because im scared....
They are now floodgates against incredible torrents....
I used to be able to figure out "why?....."
Now its just a flurry of pain....
A familiar shot to the gut....
I cant miss them anymore.....
I cant say the worst is over....
Everyday it seems worse than the day before.....
Oh sadness my dear friend...
We can never be enemies....
Cause i know you would **** me.....

You always looked at me and said "Darling smile"....
I smiled out of politeness because i wasn't sure what made me sad.....
You use to hold me tight when during the night my dreams were more than i could take...
I drank like the answer to all my problems were in some sort of crisis at the bottles bottom....
Then like I had to celebrate I pushed thru the safety in your arms and said " *******"...
With tears in my eyes and fear in my mind it made you the enemy.....
But when i heard no mayday from 20 000 leagues under the liquor...
I was happier than i ever was rescuing the answer that never came...
No first aid trying to resuscitate the dead reason for my misery will ever be equal to you...
Like I get it now they weren't calling for my help they were calling me away from you....
I see you sometimes with that bottle like you hear that SOS too....
I sent out a message from my hell neatly wrote in a bottle....
It reads BABE IM ALL THE HELP THEY NEED... GO BACK ILL COME BACK AS SOON AS I CAN....
And then I go back to my rescue just looking for answers somewhere at the bottom......

As I stand here with hat flat brimmed
A nervous snicker mistook for a grin
Let the words fall out my mouth past my chin......
I won't  look past the spotlight there is only the dark
Like everyone's vehicles are in overdrive and mines stuck in park .....
It's the handful of prescription pills from someone else
A demon on my chest like you've never felt
A desperate anger that turned way before help
The reason I don't even recognize myself ......
It's been in me for a while it invaded my smile
Turned every forward step into a mile
Beat me up and made me feel like a child. ...
I dare not speak it's name... it turns into a label
Make the society look at me like I'm unstable
And the chance of success is pulled off the table
The enemy is within this clouded reflection
With too many faults I cannot mention
I lol when I hear people say it's all for attention
So with a fleeting glimpse into the hell full of tension ......
Depressed means finally not getting pushed down
Like deflated balloons belong with a clown
So before you go blast my name all over town....
I could be you... you could be me
Walk where I've been see what I see ......
Be truly alone with a room full of "friends"
Is it what makes you happy guess it depends .....
Depression has thousands  in its terrible army
At the end of the day it will only be myself that harms me.......

This is for the imperfect drunk...
The hopeless ******....
I too have been the bottles *****....
Outweighed by a gram....
I seen the world at ground level....
Because shame kept my head heavy like lead...
The world had so many ideas that were spoken in meloncholy tones.....
With so many answers how could i fail.......
As i hurt myself one more time I reached for a band-aid.....
But with tears and pain in my eyes all i got called was failure....
Like a bruised muscle i nursed my broken soul...
And when I realized I no longer wanted superficial assistance....
It was easier on my pride to put down the evil....
Because the lies people fed were spoken taunts....
it may not have a "Why" or a " What"....
But my question is" Why" do you like to judge me when im weak.....
And "What" is the answer that will make you happy...
This is not "What" makes me happy..
"Why" cant you see that??

Like I never felt comfort within lovers arms....
You were my first felt comfort.....
Holding you was true bliss mixed with confusion....
Missing you is misery mixed with regret.....
I think of you more often than sometimes is an understatement...
Like plagiarism of that line is easier to swallow....
Define lonely and accepting your departure equally impossible...
But like fortune turned its gaze you fell asleep in my arms....
You smiled at me when I was busy ignoring your stare...
My fingers played with the tips of yours like childish fantasy....
Behind the person I thought I was a true broken man emerged....
Because the sound of you leaving destroyed my ego....
Now haunting "what if "? And repeated " I should haves"  are too easy....
The hardest part of easy now is seeing how simply loved me...
These are the last words I'll write because you deserve better than sad  poems...
"Believe my love.. lifetime is a bitter acceptance till I can say gospel levity....
You deserved nothing other than the absolute best of me.....
Please never change....You were perfect being yourself...
I thought love and happiness went hand in hand with material and wealth...
Love you forever but have to let you be free....
Be where you belong and don't worry about me"....
Goodbye my love.....

The way it is is not the end i saw before the last kiss.....
You are the last line of defence before a broken heart.......
A lifetime ago i was your prince...... your still my forever....
Why and what are just words against the promise.....
My promise is that I am always the answer for your struggles......
I love you like i just saw the hope in your eyes.........
And my heart breaks every time i remember my mistake.....
I cant be more forward than asking for your hand......
As mine shakes I cant be anything but reserved.....
You are the love I cant answer but with a sonnet.....
A perfect girl a minute in heaven that you let me believe....
6 years later I wont let you go... Lifetime is a weird conversation....
But sit down and talk... Ill hang on every word....
because you may be the voice that trumps what Ive heard....

When I leave Us ... Maybe its Not so lonely being just i....
Youll be you and Ill be me ......  
Not like I wont think of Us ....
But now You are His ..... And you don't believe in Us
I left You with Us and left being just me...
Well we'll meet again when You wanna be us....
And maybe well see If it was worth being Me ....
Will you still love Us like Me?....Will I take you back?...
I Guess we"ll see......
Time will tell my  love for now I will wait.... last one k go be you .....

simple words
simply amazing....
subtley genious..
quietly outspoken...
decievingly obvious...
broken but so together...
simple words are the only way to describe..
An indefinable anomaly that is you...
Say more nonsense its the advice that gets me through.....

The edge is what the words meant to our juvenile minds
You came like a milkman of crazy like I paid you a subscription
Because the married voice of our desperation may be rocka fella
Don't mean we are gucci chanel postes of imatation handbags
But I sit at the end of a dinner plate admiring your constant behavior
And wondering how a high school misfit still views a. Past excuse as a comment for hate
Might be strong and smile but worried actions equal a cold shiver
A snuggie is the present warmth left by infomercials
I won't say ur the crest of a ohs blue...
But I still appreciate a ******* like you....

Days like this seem far too common now..... when the tears show up uninvited to my party's where I masquerade as content...
I can say I used to own someone's love... now I can barely afford to rent...
The days where the only strange comfort are broken words on tattered sheets....
About the world I once remember. ...  before it was pulled out  from under my feet....
Smoky interiors cloud the clear vision of outside happiness.... empty bottles and half empty cups now only melted ice....
I swallow the drugs like painkillers while it feels my hearts getting squeezed by depressions rusty vice...
Your expectations Weigh down the hope of ever being up once more......
 So before I can hang up my phone I'm off to *******  score......
What happens when you can't pretend the day is gonna end in any other way than a hundred days before...
When your mind tells you it ok to drink too much take another line.... You won't do any more.....
Lost intentions become untamed inhibitions and depression turns to anger....
You become confused about why you end up this way, was it sadness about something or are you ******* at a loved one or a complete stranger......
Either way you go home to a castle where the only damage on its walls were caused by its king.....
And the place I try to remember now doesn't cause me to be happy like it used to bring...
Believe me when I say that all this isn't because of you.... I am not worthy of placing blame on anyone but the enemy in the mirror...
I let the cracks in it grow so I don't have to see myself clearer....
But if I am really the cause of all this pain than watch me **** myself with the poison I ingest....
Because while you can't let me leave and this is the only thing I know... For all of you I only wish the best......

I seen nim again that sad looking man...
He stared at me with wonder....
Or was it disgust i cannot tell....
Maybe he should clean up...
The world will hate him less....
And a brushing of teeth will allow him to get close....
Looks like he has enough barriers...
He is not the suitable shade of accepted...
His tattoos make him a dangerous felon....
The lost look in his eyes means he cant be trusted....
If the rest of the world could see what i see......
That he tries harder and harder everyday....
Because his daughters names are tattooed on his neck.....
They are the reason hes tired...
14 hr days leave every late night worth it...
Because a midnite playdate is his only reward....
A lonely soul who recently lost his mom.... his dad....
And how a friend may be all he needs....
But burying his last one four yrs ago has made him scared.......
Now he is facing a world without any back up......
He is the only protection for a family that means everything....
And has a girl who maKes him feel like nothing....
Someday i hope to not see him so down....
But as smile at him...
I realize this whole time...
That sad man in the mirror is actually me....

She got the looks of an angel hidden under demon dust burned onto her by years of trials by fire.....
She stands tall left behind by loved ones under weight to great for her frail beauty to support.....
Yet she smiles at me with a glow unknown to her jury who sentanced her to a life of disappointment....
Her armour falls away under the touch of my hands every night leaving an impression of heaven......
May the tears i cry shouting at a place she cant believe be  enough for salvation of her tortured soul....
Because my decision on which place to worship .... Will come out of my prayers to make her feel whole....

You bro some **** is better unsaid I won't let loose these words again till I'm dead...
Blood ain't water and no we don't have the same father.....
My life is better when my friend is my brother. ....
I'll protect your mom like she's my mother......
I'll stand at your side till clouds crash down
But I'm glad that you made me finally found....
Much love dog and a gangsta salute
But this shot too sappy shoot
This odd Dave man hit me back jus to chill
You'll listen bout Jim I'll listen bout bill

She is painted in Do not Touch signs  That stems from the Caution tape that now holds her heart together....
She hasnt smiled with glee in years now her Smirk is as close to genuine as I can see....
She lets her hair down around me and fills the room with memories of a better time When her beauty was still maintained....
As I lay next to her I hold her close to make her feel safe So nightmares I cant comprehend stay outside our embrace.....
She wont close her eyes when we kiss like she needs to believe someone actually shows her affection...
How her hands feel weathered and strong like she tried too many times to hold onto comfort .....
I think she takes what she wants only because the world took so much from her without permission...
Her emotions are on a switchboard of needs she controls at will and her needs are only escape routes now....
Everybody tells me to run away from her and save myself but I cant be her next reason to hurt herself.....
I wont be the next evacuee from a disaster she never asked for and only grew when people turned there backs...
Why cant people see the beauty under her armour or see she dosent belong in the places she ends up?
She is beauty wrapped in pain.... Laughter muted by lies..... And judged only because she learned to survive....
She....... She is not broken to me... She isnt the picture everyone paints... Or the rumours they twist out of spite....
She is the scared damaged angel .... that needed love.... And trusts me to hold her every night....

The drunken dance of our war torn hearts are just the echo of a better time in my shattered mind....
The laughter of the peak of hapiness is just a cruel mask to temporary solitude...
Bring me back to my home or at least the castle in memories and stay safe in my arrogant tower...
Let your pedastal stand in hoarded surroundings so my clutter looks up to something...
Ill pull myself together and break the spell of shattered dreams only to make the moment seem beautiful....
But dont look back or the five oclock shadow of a broken man will engulf the joy i see in your eyes....
I disappear into the nothingness created by my wisdom to let her be free....
And as i watch her leave she takes the last breath of pure air in my vaccuum of heartache...

asia is the victor of manual labour in croatian tale
a breadbasket of rice left the loser without weight
another favour is a un agreement towards aliied habitat
so a currency isnt the clear way to a refuggee camp
the sheep will someday overpower the treason
but for now lay in the shadow of a communist state

I cant believe your mine....
U smile and break my silence.....
I gasp between minor squints .....
To focus on the fact u are looking at me.....
U grab my hand between cigarette drags....
And blow toxic lust in my face and giggle....
Your eyes sparkle and Im not even bothered....
I cant believe your mine.....
You stagger out my door and catch my attention....
Your head on my chest hears a heart that came back for you....
I smile once only to remind you im the lucky one...
I withhold my intentions to make you blush....
So I listen closer to make ur voice seem cherished....
And it leaves me distracted from my pain....
I cant believe your mine....
I can read ur face behind huge sunglasses.....
When ur eyes become a lie detector and obvious....
How I end up on the edge of a queen size bed....
Because in our sleep your embrace still chased me....
Or how when I wake up see you asleep....
I kiss your forehead to remind you your loved....
I cant believe your mine.....
So I wont and live in this fantasy....
Cuz belief is not important ....
Having you here IS.....

LIKE delicate erosion you found my heart.....
Not like soft kisses and lustful stares channelled my Infatuation.....
Seems like an enchanted fairy tale...
My world held you... Planetary grip felt so Universal....
I can smell your hair as it danced on my disbelief....
As your touch pinned me and made me weak.....
I glanced as to not be frozen in you and THAT smile.....
Auditory laughs are frequent as I close my wounds....
No more glass panes observing empty promises.....
But with hopeful gambles....  Risk became easy....
Id grab you and make my heart break for the instant gaze....
Run my hand thru your hair to feel angels delicate beauty...
Pull you near so I would feel strong......
Weak wishes only now....
But id break my heart forever to have one grasp....
Like I know youd never fight me....
We love like bandits and liars .....
Like we both stole each others hearts.....
And promised each other Forever......

If I wasn’t  “here”?.... where is “here”?...
Is it the 14 hr days of work...The lonely bed where even though I call her my wife I sleep alone…….
I can’t say that “here” is exactly my destination...
I think that i would be missed... When the bills became too much... when the work became too much....
I dont think “here” realizes how much I wanna be “there”....
I can count everything good in my world on one hand...
But just like my good hand  only four digits work....
Like on the end of a phone number... Oh the numbers I know ... They dont answer anymore...
Now it’s not soo bad... She trades handjobs for beer... I can be the cause of every instance...
God never gives more than I can carry.... I’ve got the full cable package...
And of course I’ve got addiction...
I have the one friend that because of history.... I am already saying goodbye....
I keep mental notes of the good times... so I can later read them...
But in a mind full of bottles one always spills...
Now most notes are a smear of ink on soggy Post- its.....
But the empties saved are gonna make me a rich man...
I like to think on the return slip the receipt will read.....
10002 mistakes…. 2502 lies….. 14 broken hearts….. 5000 lonely nights and 1 complete **** up....
And at the end it will say total refund..... 17518 regrets...
But i can never return my **** up........ “Here”.........
“Here” I can be happy at 80 dollars a night...
“Here” I only hate everyone....”
“Here” is my life.....
“Here” is where everyone around me thinks I’m happy...
I think when I finally get a chance…. I will go “there”.....
And i will send postcards to everyone and it will read.....
” I think i get it now..... I wish you were HERE”....

Set me on fire like the day you stared at me across the rooom...
Gently whisper envious things that no one else will ever hear...
Run from your seat and be safe within my embrace....
Id settle for any one of those moments but dont be worried....
Cause everytime I close my eyes all i can see is your perfect face...
Your the reason I race to sleep and wake up with my eyes full of tears...
I pray I never get the chance to see you again....
But I still cant explain why I love you still  after all these years...

I dont dance and remember when... Like a country ballad I sat and wrote our future.....
Ash trays and bottle caps are surrounded by crumpled looseleaf  melted bees wax remindds me of the light i put out...
Like the only warmth in my desperate dungeon simplicity now i understand like a Einstein of obvious....
I frame my failures and hang the posts of social media near my melencholy motivations....
Desperate attempts now rely on the decline of my terror strapped sometime to become your worst nightmare...
2 am shifts and puch cards of never there left me tired of successful failure...
Cellular connection and text wars now fill my only connection when im not out of the service area......
Isnt wealth suppose to be your accept of my last mistake? Cold sandwiches Vlts double ryes supplement my misery....
A juggling act of balance now wears out the clown beneath my circus....
As the reality of a sublime future lights the mornings I leave... Sunset just means the day cannot sell my darkness its light...
As I forget how to smile and you remember how to dance....
know that staring at myself in motel mirrors and reflective gazes....
I know that deep inside im the one who needs changes...

List on the mind of a battered soul.... realization cannot confirm delayed emotion...
Trickled memories bleed from an interior flood of bottled emotions....
Grasping tightly to reality only means someone should hold my hand....
As I grip tightly to a blanket covering what I hate more than anything.....
But bedtime means you are finally truly alone and demons dance in the dark....
Not like I mind they remind me I was once happy....
So I close my eyes and scream into there party....
Does my memorable madness echo through the hallway I built full of locked doors?
Is this all a dream and did I go to somewhere dark.....
But every time I open my eyes the demons are still dancing in the dark....
So with great exhaustion I accept that there not there to take me anywhere....
With all this pain inside they already have me where they want me....
And the shuffles now waltz me to my personal hell....
Like ballerinas dance in music boxes... my demons dance in the dark.....

I hope your 3am laughter still resonates from somebody else's bedroom....
I pray you seek comfort and try to hide within his arms......
I know he will watch you prepare your beauty unnecessarily.....
I hope like me he gazes at your beauty as the sun comes up and your fast asleep...
Brushes the hair from your face and kisses your skin.....
Knows every curve of your back or scar on your canvas....
How you can be the most beautiful.... when your mouth is full of pizza....
I should have said something when you were still listening to me....
It was still a mystery as to why you chose to love me.....
I hope one day I can love you again but for now my love ...
Your finally free.....

Till we meet again , Love is all I can leave you with....
Nonaa

Pardon me while the words desperate angst replays it's rythym ......
Sheltered sounds emit from tortured interior selfishness.....
May these climaxes reflect the confused voice in my head.....
Sympathy is a heading somewhere in the hallmark catalogue......
And real men don't cry so I try not to think about it all......
No sounds can reflect where I am behind these bloodshot eyes.....
Like life somewhere said wait here and like a fool I stood in its pain....
Now desperate grasps leave scratches on the exterior of loves embrace....
Suddenly someone reached my varied intoxicated plain.......
Now that my pedestal has been toppled by fateful facts I am able to face.....
The future of my projected attitude and artificial behaviors seem foolish......
This is my therapy and an inner voice not permitted to escape.....
So with sincere apologies and poetic pardons excuse my confessions....
I ask nothing from these just that if I leave it here it no longer festers my emotions..
And with an open heart I accept your words because poets can only understand...
That beneath all the words there is a life somewhere writing.....

Today I miss you.... Dont know why?.....
I Imagined a day without tears.....
Today I missed you.... I am Reminded.....
I hoped you would still be here....

Please be the best version of beauty...
Laugh louder than anyone else...
Be the life of the party....
Dance and hold him close....
Fall asleep in his arms...
Miss the embrace that you deserve...
Make love everynight...
Fall into his stare be safe in his strength...
You are the moment he knew love exists...
The angel he never thought he could kiss...
I see you together and i realize now what I miss.....

Petals flower born cannot lead you towards myself.. Cocoa boxes and Stuffed childhood Were Lies by Society....
I feel you like entire eclipse grasps the sun .... I would still allow your light to shine through me.....
Gravity is the only paradox of understanding that keeps me grounded when we contend our acceptance...
Id lie and take a million years for the only sure hope in my world full of broken promises.....
And you will never know how i kiss your forehead when you sleep because i hate me weak....
Or when I break at times when i subtlely call my anxiety into question and you answer....
Like every time I stare at myself I tell myself I dont deserve you...
Soo when you finally hold me I fell off my mountain of pride to comfort my inner demons ....
And sometimes I lose myself in you and I cannot shelter the blow to my false comfort anymore...
So chocolate and pretty sonnets hallmark your memories of my love?
Because my heart greatly grew once you only stared into my eyes...
Men dont say that your truley there weakness but Id say you became my strength...
Valentine id talk and take your hand because With every moment your hands in mine....
I realize you were the first love that made me shine....
Love you Babe....

Seems like torture when you see me now ...
like a dark corner is more comforting than me....
You will hold my hand and let me in briefly...
but longterm promos are no longer available ...
Mostly im crushed that you like most fed me hope...
But no time for sadness because we are now going slow...
you say ur liking our past more than you will view future..
Like it is of no concern to others where this liffe leads
just hold me tonight and remind me how it felt....
to finally be able to say im going somewhere now,,,
thst she is mine and nothing will tear us apart ...
But then the part i enjoyed most ..
the idea that i could finallly heal my heart .... i

Another glass on the rocks as the day glows on the horizon
A 5 am whiskey is now a staple into my challenge
If its me versus everyone than a constant buzz seems mandatory
If god knows what the **** im doin out here than he needs to lead
Pillars are what people see themselves perched on like a buzzard of elite
The dollar a paper with a design now makes strong men break.....
The weight of that currency must be heavy it drags them down
Will another zero after that last make the day any longer.....
Does a platinum credit card mean you are finally stronger???
I waste my days to keep my family in status quo
The whole time im really missin my babies grow
The world i see isnt feeling well.......
Like instead of reaching for heaven we turned towards hell.....
But I still head towards a future more than risky.......
I guess Ill get used to that 5 am whiskey.......

If he said i was in his image....
He may have been hungover.....
I wish i was at that party....
So a forgotten bro shake was neccessary...
I appeal to the ones whos vision is not clear....
So as we share a bifocal to see the reality.....
like Corey Hart i will wear my sunglasses at night....
And laugh like Wierd Al at the parody of your opinion....
I guess deep inside I refect the side of me no one want to see....
But i guess im in luck I never wanted your appealed acceptance....

If it takes six people to carry my coffin....
Than I hope four people have nothing better to do that day...
A chance to be who I once was is not an option anymore...
Like my prayers are all put on hold over the hotline of hope...
All the angels now are tired of my sin...
The halo I once owned is pawned to finance my defiance...
Now i feel like the darkness i invited became a constant companion...
Like a cornered animal I will not be touched....
I can spew the worst parts of life from my body with a voice that refuses to be quiet....
But If i were to paint a picture of my heaven the only color i would need is black....
The words on my tombstone would be simple and clear...
Not loving Father.. Brother or Son....
Not Missed Remembered or Loved....
Simply Liar Addict And Disappointment...
Just a person who had three different names born 1984....
What will be the year after that number...
Gone to soon is like a beautiful way to say never should have been here...
Will I be a thought on anyones mind when im gone???
I hope not I dont want to be anyones burden when I leave....

36 hrs ..... seems like almost a day maybe a half..... elevator rides uncomfortable talks with them....
A hopeful presentation to your forever.... Stale sandwiches in a line of comfortable sweats.....
Knowing that you were gonna be someones hero.... hungover like a villain...
Theres no bat phone where you live... The best example may be close to an Alfred....
I prayed to a saline bag..... Begging him or her to ease some pain.... Not because she was hurting...
Because you were hurting when she was in pain....
A memory of that night...... That morning and you knew the best of you was theirs....
Telling the other one you had a duty... Because you still inside missed the first….
A quiet conflict because you barely knew her.... And at the same time remember every moment...
The moment is not a Time its an Emotion.... a Florescent room.... a Readers Digest the copy of Motor weekly....
The quiet broken promise....... Now everything is just a contained mess....
A night when you drove to her house just after midnite.... Telling her that gr 10 and pregnant was not her fault...
But not ready to be blamed...
A car full of friends on a birthday everyone will remember.... Not you.... An invitation was just another responsibility...
Then it was a desperate attempt to build a Castle... A futon in the midlle of a tiny living room...
The shame of your mother when you called her grandma... Disappointment was now all they expected... Now being the exact definition of Expected Disappointment...
A jewellery store... The lady with thick rimmed glasses muttering "Your too young"...
Feeling that the 6 months with her could be stretched....
The first time I felt YOU move.....
Now knowing that no matter how bad I was at everything.... You will now always be the best....
Those were the nights you weren' t wasted... Now you realize wasted isnt an Emotion Its a Time...
Maybe it was that time she fell asleep in tears... Because less than two months before her mom made me sleep on the floor...
Her mom was right i hated her all along but the outcome would be as comforting as it was frightening....
I could say anything to make you sleep with me but nothing made you feel loved...
Your letters stopped having those hearts over i's.... You all the sudden became 6'4... And all i could do was try to hold you...
No more all night parties... Opening walls to find  hidden furnaces..... Eviction notices.... Disconnect letters.... Empty bank accounts....That could no longer be "normal".....
Those two days of stimulated sundowns and then sun ups.....
You should have never come there... I was the mistake a dark eyed monster....
The baby blue car.... A 45 minute ride.... A realization that birth isnt just on Tv....... This was happening!!.....
And you truly brought your best...
If i could live that moment again i would wear a suit....
How my ridiculous spikes were a hairstyle no longer approved.... Maybe a butler... Because you know now...
How that moment where you saw each other will be Forever....
That nite where 36hrs no longer mattered because it was time you were without her....
A heaven spelled backwards... Not just a name but a promise......
She aged a lifetime that night.... A choice was made….. A quiet contract between them...
Oh god why didnt i sign?.. All the teddy bears in the world would mean nothing now....
I cant remember a ***** diaper... A day of teething.... Her first sounds or The time she wanted me.....
Sorry is not a word that can be ok.... I cant tell her sorry….. I don’t deserve to feel ok….
36hrs is just about the time it takes to never be a man…. I was not doing them a favor they never told me "No"….
I can only hope I was 36 hrs of someone else's pain….
Because I can not remember anything before that……..

I cant let you go.....
Intoxication and her....
Toxic tears bleed from tired eyes...
Sadness subdues my sobriety now...
Distraction always fuels my intoxication...
So let me let you go.....
Bottles hoard allow me to gauge your memory....
Dimentia prayers commit sins toward your beauty...
And shaky mornings remind me how hard I am...
Trying to let you go...

Like distance scarred me and terrorized your perception of my "Perfect Life"....
Like i divorced success and made incomplete failure my wife...
I know im being the **** of jokes not meant to motivate.....
Trust in the fact I disowned love andreluctantly adopted hate.....
My childish belief that you meant me no harm....
Like instead of helping me up you ripped off my arms ....
U say maybe they would like me more....
But every welcome mat to me has been outside the door....
Im ok being entirely by myself... Im not even close to lonely...
So put all ur well wishes online or get off ur *** and phone me.....
U can ask but still I wont give up my digits......
You did way too much damage to ever ****** fix it.....
Remember when i go how much i was Hated.....
And carve my marker with "Life was Truly Overrated"...

All the pills you said made you my friend...
Are memories and scars in the parts noone sees...
You value yourself like a billionare values a dollar....
I see you like a homeless person sees a sandwich...
Worth more than anyone knows or can understand....
Its not the kind of love that makes any sense.....
We are not what each other plan or brag or wish...
But like air food and water the things deadman wish....

Is this leading to where destiny projected
Lifetime ago was a memory now barely collected
Motivation  is currently only a currency in hand
It's grew a life now only I can understand.
I can't seem reactive or distanced at my state...
Moving towards a future I once thought was great
Is this what I am becoming or a gross mutation
Where I can't draw the line is success or relation
Great men had to pay dues I assume this is a percentage of success
While I slowly gain more it seems have have less and less
Charity and kindness are the cards up my sleeve.
But **** it success you can now leave.....
I'm a failure a peasant a beggar a child....
Unwilling to conform crazy and wild....
You see me at a distance and that's where you don't comprehend
That I have all I need I will always win in the end.....
A measure of success is not a numbers game....
It never said a promise of glory or fame.....
Be your own promise the person loved ones believe
And success will be yours.... never to leave .......