Seems like torture when you see me now ...
like a dark corner is more comforting than me....
You will hold my hand and let me in briefly...
but longterm promos are no longer available ...
Mostly im crushed that you like most fed me hope...
But no time for sadness because we are now going slow...
you say ur liking our past more than you will view future..
Like it is of no concern to others where this liffe leads
just hold me tonight and remind me how it felt....
to finally be able to say im going somewhere now,,,
thst she is mine and nothing will tear us apart ...
But then the part i enjoyed most ..
the idea that i could finallly heal my heart .... i

When I leave Us ... Maybe its Not so lonely being just i....
Youll be you and Ill be me ......  
Not like I wont think of Us ....
But now You are His ..... And you don't believe in Us
I left You with Us and left being just me...
Well we'll meet again when You wanna be us....
And maybe well see If it was worth being Me ....
Will you still love Us like Me?....Will I take you back?...
I Guess we"ll see......
Time will tell my  love for now I will wait.... last one k go be you .....

Scream so ur voices in my head cease to reveal scarred passion....
Lend me a hand to remind me of the nights I held u tight .....
Simply combine my selfishness with ur broken heart...
I never imagined u hurting when I abandoned hope......
Well I guess cockiness of counterfeit feelings became a joke...
My eyes burn now from the crystal tears down my cheek.....
Its not because I remembet loving you .... losing u made me weak...
But u didnt leave me I broke my heart.....
So maybe kiss my cheek while he waits and I fall apart...
Enjoy it love its what me and you could never find.....
And if you became happy with someone else... I dont mind ...
No more nights of cold shouldered sleep
No more fantasy life or impossible promises to keep....
But when u ask me why im sitting with a smile on my face....
It will be because your happy with him and finally found your place....
Love u Nonaa ..... This is just me Realizing what I lost....

Hazy houses only contain helpless hope masked by chemical....
Broken bottles like souls remain at our feet on grimey concrete...
We smile thru deceptive instruction
to rally rebellion .....
And like we challenge ourselves we shuttle towards deadends ....
But this is as happy as we can achieve with tempory friends...
But fatigue and famine contain the way our hell ends....
If we could have just believed in upstairs cellars...
Maybe we wouldnt have eased our way down into lower levels..
But welcome mats litter the basements we exist...
While we take another hit .... I kinda remember the things i miss...

I hope your 3am laughter still resonates from somebody else's bedroom....
I pray you seek comfort and try to hide within his arms......
I know he will watch you prepare your beauty unnecessarily.....
I hope like me he gazes at your beauty as the sun comes up and your fast asleep...
Brushes the hair from your face and kisses your skin.....
Knows every curve of your back or scar on your canvas....
How you can be the most beautiful.... when your mouth is full of pizza....
I should have said something when you were still listening to me....
It was still a mystery as to why you chose to love me.....
I hope one day I can love you again but for now my love ...
Your finally free.....

Till we meet again , Love is all I can leave you with....
Nonaa

Like distance scarred me and terrorized your perception of my "Perfect Life"....
Like i divorced success and made incomplete failure my wife...
I know im being the **** of jokes not meant to motivate.....
Trust in the fact I disowned love andreluctantly adopted hate.....
My childish belief that you meant me no harm....
Like instead of helping me up you ripped off my arms ....
U say maybe they would like me more....
But every welcome mat to me has been outside the door....
Im ok being entirely by myself... Im not even close to lonely...
So put all ur well wishes online or get off ur *** and phone me.....
U can ask but still I wont give up my digits......
You did way too much damage to ever ****** fix it.....
Remember when i go how much i was Hated.....
And carve my marker with "Life was Truly Overrated"...

Paint me a picture of ur pain so i can blend it iinto something beautiful.....
Break every plate glass and emotion over my stupidity so it eases the pain.....
Stare into the cell u are creati g by the actions of wifi wounds u deem harmless....
If i cant remember and you cant forget what was the exact moment we believed......
That thru this madness of chaos I have faith youll never leave...

Like every night draws me in like I found warmth in the dark....
The thoughts of what can never be seem less intense...
I can't see all the things I know now I'll dearly miss....
And imagine I'm already gone and all that glitters isn't gold...
Now never walking them down an aisle grants a whimper...
Or being anything but a burden before I say goodbye....
Or now knowing that my goodbyes will only echo in empty rooms...
How I tell myself it's just a bad dream and avoid sleep at all costs...
Now fatigue and disrepair are more evident everyday...
Must be a design of some sort because I leave nothing and no one behind...
And answers that I now know didn't vindicate or hypnotize
I am not going to heaven ... I already know this well...
But compared to my life and an eternity in hell....
I guess the pain isn't over which is worse only time will tell...

Tears and tired eyes now became her gaze....
Clouds of vapor and cheap cigarettes are her constant haze...
The anger behind her madness begins to blaze....
And opening her mind reveals her pain soaked maze...
She acts like signs of childhood evaded her grip...
And all the ones she trusted did more than just jump ship ....
So she finds a shield and takes her pill to focus her trip...
And into her oblivion and forget it all I watch her slip...
She sees me as she quits her fight...
And it's me and her against another night...

Sunrise and drunk sweats make the day seem futile....
Shaky hands bloodshot eyes and last evenings breath now standard...
Uncomfortable rooms in rented homes make me tense and upset....
When can I go home or at least be blended in to my surroundings....
She the last thing I can call mine lays on our sad mattress ...
And the day begins with a shot of don't remember chased by a drink of they won't notice....
But I'm not gonna be a pity party of one so I put up my ******* and hide behind expensive lenses ...
My friend and Doctor is now my only thought ...
So I can start this day with no thought of the things and people I forgot...
Please guide my actions and disregard my anger....
Because I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger....

They said stay away like I was allergic to her presence....
Whispered quiet warnings of her guaranteed disappointment...
Lied about her intentions so to make her untrusted....
Made her a villain in my "story" and wrote her off...
But when she got close she made me feel like I was addicted...
Her presence made her whispers seem so priceless ...
Now she seems so trusted I intend to make her mine...
To me the. Story became about us if only for a chapter...
And now addicted to her love I could almost say....
She made me live happily ever after ...

She's so close to me so many times before she leaves me stranded on cloud 9 alone....
Then smiling from someplace I never see she sees nothing but ways to make me feel small...
Once it seemed to easy to me to be her everything with a lot of difficulty...
Now complicated measure mean I'm someone not on her side
And she sees me as knight in rusted armour  caused by laughable tears...
Yet I stand near the fire and absorb heat destined to scorch my soul
Whole and alone I seem so distant only inches away ...
And another day seems so painful and I'm totally defeated...
But she begins a battle against me while I smile and kiss her eyes closed
So I don't have a bad memory... and begin my descent into her hell...
Will my loyalty and care be enough for her only time will tell...

Today I miss you.... Dont know why?.....
I Imagined a day without tears.....
Today I missed you.... I am Reminded.....
I hoped you would still be here....

I cant believe your mine....
U smile and break my silence.....
I gasp between minor squints .....
To focus on the fact u are looking at me.....
U grab my hand between cigarette drags....
And blow toxic lust in my face and giggle....
Your eyes sparkle and Im not even bothered....
I cant believe your mine.....
You stagger out my door and catch my attention....
Your head on my chest hears a heart that came back for you....
I smile once only to remind you im the lucky one...
I withhold my intentions to make you blush....
So I listen closer to make ur voice seem cherished....
And it leaves me distracted from my pain....
I cant believe your mine....
I can read ur face behind huge sunglasses.....
When ur eyes become a lie detector and obvious....
How I end up on the edge of a queen size bed....
Because in our sleep your embrace still chased me....
Or how when I wake up see you asleep....
I kiss your forehead to remind you your loved....
I cant believe your mine.....
So I wont and live in this fantasy....
Cuz belief is not important ....
Having you here IS.....

She is painted in Do not Touch signs  That stems from the Caution tape that now holds her heart together....
She hasnt smiled with glee in years now her Smirk is as close to genuine as I can see....
She lets her hair down around me and fills the room with memories of a better time When her beauty was still maintained....
As I lay next to her I hold her close to make her feel safe So nightmares I cant comprehend stay outside our embrace.....
She wont close her eyes when we kiss like she needs to believe someone actually shows her affection...
How her hands feel weathered and strong like she tried too many times to hold onto comfort .....
I think she takes what she wants only because the world took so much from her without permission...
Her emotions are on a switchboard of needs she controls at will and her needs are only escape routes now....
Everybody tells me to run away from her and save myself but I cant be her next reason to hurt herself.....
I wont be the next evacuee from a disaster she never asked for and only grew when people turned there backs...
Why cant people see the beauty under her armour or see she dosent belong in the places she ends up?
She is beauty wrapped in pain.... Laughter muted by lies..... And judged only because she learned to survive....
She....... She is not broken to me... She isnt the picture everyone paints... Or the rumours they twist out of spite....
She is the scared damaged angel .... that needed love.... And trusts me to hold her every night....

She got the looks of an angel hidden under demon dust burned onto her by years of trials by fire.....
She stands tall left behind by loved ones under weight to great for her frail beauty to support.....
Yet she smiles at me with a glow unknown to her jury who sentanced her to a life of disappointment....
Her armour falls away under the touch of my hands every night leaving an impression of heaven......
May the tears i cry shouting at a place she cant believe be  enough for salvation of her tortured soul....
Because my decision on which place to worship .... Will come out of my prayers to make her feel whole....

Simple syncerity and drawn out breaths seem like a welcome mat to your presence now.....
My guard that was built out of broken promises and painful goodbyes seems non existent in your arms...
I stare into your eyes and see a place I hope i can watch grow forever and touch your lips and inhale pure lust from your lips...
Like when I stare at the way your imperfections tie all your beauty marks across your back together like a perfect universe....
How when you laugh and tthe teeth you try to hidde escape from there false prison to light the world for a brief second....
Or how you dance and sing like a soul hell bent only to spread chaotic contagious happiness....
Or how I never heard anyone protect me while I sleep.... Or felt like a hero when I only held your hand ......
Each day is a priveledge to call you my love and each minute im able ill reassure your doubt.....
That even though we went seperate ways i prayed for the day I could show you what true love is all about ....
Love you more than words Babe......

Carpal tunnel wrists are the result of Inexplicable weekends....
Ads on Flyers remind me of you now.... Like i didnt already feel weak at the sign of a million other daily reminders....
My smile retreats again away from a world I can only describe with a snicker.....
Anger mounts the forfront of the grind against days before you held me hostage again....
But the way you hold me I hope I never wanna be rescued.....
Soft sorrow is the way I can make believe this wasnt a mistake ......
Tired and alone again the vices are now a sure way to make this just a memory...
So ill sit alone and stare at the dark hoping the light from your love guides me through....
And youll never know how each letter i type makes me feel closer to you....
Love U Babe.....

I cant let you go.....
Intoxication and her....
Toxic tears bleed from tired eyes...
Sadness subdues my sobriety now...
Distraction always fuels my intoxication...
So let me let you go.....
Bottles hoard allow me to gauge your memory....
Dimentia prayers commit sins toward your beauty...
And shaky mornings remind me how hard I am...
Trying to let you go...

LIKE delicate erosion you found my heart.....
Not like soft kisses and lustful stares channelled my Infatuation.....
Seems like an enchanted fairy tale...
My world held you... Planetary grip felt so Universal....
I can smell your hair as it danced on my disbelief....
As your touch pinned me and made me weak.....
I glanced as to not be frozen in you and THAT smile.....
Auditory laughs are frequent as I close my wounds....
No more glass panes observing empty promises.....
But with hopeful gambles....  Risk became easy....
Id grab you and make my heart break for the instant gaze....
Run my hand thru your hair to feel angels delicate beauty...
Pull you near so I would feel strong......
Weak wishes only now....
But id break my heart forever to have one grasp....
Like I know youd never fight me....
We love like bandits and liars .....
Like we both stole each others hearts.....
And promised each other Forever......

Mind of a sinner heart of a saint ....
Stimulated fakeness that makes others faint...
Sitting out playing with time and guns....
Dont judge I never learned to walk before i had to run......
Last nights bottle is the first shot of my day...
Each time I start it pushes everyone farther away.....
You might try to save me.... But I dont want to be found...
Truth be told i hate it up here... Id rather be under the ground...

I could write about Brooklyn or Australia like I could write about being happy and complete...
Ive never been there wouldnt that be neat  ....
Sonnet brief memories about the east coast of Canada nights in Victoria or Vancouvers bay....
Like loved ones i feel were taken too quickly away....
Ballads of regret and momentarily held Passion and Lust.....
Now I know the pleas of Apology and Distrust....
I can stare across the Prairie any given night ....
And  with A blanket of stars Above I  know you were right...
So as Im looking up at the northern lights dance....
Feels like the heavens are looking down saying....
"We gave you your chance"........

Set me on fire like the day you stared at me across the rooom...
Gently whisper envious things that no one else will ever hear...
Run from your seat and be safe within my embrace....
Id settle for any one of those moments but dont be worried....
Cause everytime I close my eyes all i can see is your perfect face...
Your the reason I race to sleep and wake up with my eyes full of tears...
I pray I never get the chance to see you again....
But I still cant explain why I love you still  after all these years...

Petals flower born cannot lead you towards myself.. Cocoa boxes and Stuffed childhood Were Lies by Society....
I feel you like entire eclipse grasps the sun .... I would still allow your light to shine through me.....
Gravity is the only paradox of understanding that keeps me grounded when we contend our acceptance...
Id lie and take a million years for the only sure hope in my world full of broken promises.....
And you will never know how i kiss your forehead when you sleep because i hate me weak....
Or when I break at times when i subtlely call my anxiety into question and you answer....
Like every time I stare at myself I tell myself I dont deserve you...
Soo when you finally hold me I fell off my mountain of pride to comfort my inner demons ....
And sometimes I lose myself in you and I cannot shelter the blow to my false comfort anymore...
So chocolate and pretty sonnets hallmark your memories of my love?
Because my heart greatly grew once you only stared into my eyes...
Men dont say that your truley there weakness but Id say you became my strength...
Valentine id talk and take your hand because With every moment your hands in mine....
I realize you were the first love that made me shine....
Love you Babe....

Shelter me like I'm "homeless".......
Not be a use I don't have an address.....
Merely because if home houses your heart....
There is a missing poster on the back of your ***** bottle....
Like the mistake on the bark where I once carved " true love"....
Happiness became of parking lot no occupied by strangers
Like titles reflect the hierarchy of spots closest to your heart
Methamphetamine now occupies the spot reserved for mom, dad and best friend
But time is a magician pulling white rabbits from memories ......
Where your the only audience members and you can only ask "how?".....
But like tricks fade into logic i always see the illusion
And memories become anger against the fraudulent belief in "time"
Grief is not a one night event where disbelief could refund your happiness....
And forgive ushers who now seem more like drug dealers....
Because the best seat they could offer only got you closer to regret
Life is the greatest notice pinned on a corkboard in shady establishments
Where the small print cannot be read at a passing glance
So later on in the alley where you self medicate.....
The dumpster contains the poster you so blindly believed.....
Now you see the possible outcome to the " greatest show on earth".....
Professionals on a closed course...... trained professionals should not be attempted at home.....
And I guess like I already said if my heart is "home".....
Then as an amateur on life's stage I'll leave actors like happiness, success and bliss to wow people at a great expense.....
But like a fool I invested every hope I saved into them.....
Now I'm bankrupt and homeless staring from the alley between life and death...
But the best part about next door is its free....
And must be worth the cost... no one ever seems to come out.....

You bro some **** is better unsaid I won't let loose these words again till I'm dead...
Blood ain't water and no we don't have the same father.....
My life is better when my friend is my brother. ....
I'll protect your mom like she's my mother......
I'll stand at your side till clouds crash down
But I'm glad that you made me finally found....
Much love dog and a gangsta salute
But this shot too sappy shoot
This odd Dave man hit me back jus to chill
You'll listen bout Jim I'll listen bout bill

I'm sorry if I cherished a moment you might have missed
Like all the memories I knew I risked
Caught with open laughter or with closed fists
People all around only kept us ******......
Shadows and light laughter evaded our youth
Grown redemption and nervous acceptance and  truth .....
Lights and carols...... December lies too much....
And only kept sanity provides life's rush...
A dollar a gram couldn't be much cost
But behind the curtains I became lost
Out the window....My  dreams I tossed...
Broken and bent hell born and sent...
Becoming back from Superman to Clark Kent
Desperately trying to Pay  pain for  rent
Outside the only thing that ever meant.......
Safety and warmth.... the place I feel home
Now is a reminder of the place I will never own....
Don't have a number don't try to phone ...
It's better off if ended up all alone

As I stand here with hat flat brimmed
A nervous snicker mistook for a grin
Let the words fall out my mouth past my chin......
I won't  look past the spotlight there is only the dark
Like everyone's vehicles are in overdrive and mines stuck in park .....
It's the handful of prescription pills from someone else
A demon on my chest like you've never felt
A desperate anger that turned way before help
The reason I don't even recognize myself ......
It's been in me for a while it invaded my smile
Turned every forward step into a mile
Beat me up and made me feel like a child. ...
I dare not speak it's name... it turns into a label
Make the society look at me like I'm unstable
And the chance of success is pulled off the table
The enemy is within this clouded reflection
With too many faults I cannot mention
I lol when I hear people say it's all for attention
So with a fleeting glimpse into the hell full of tension ......
Depressed means finally not getting pushed down
Like deflated balloons belong with a clown
So before you go blast my name all over town....
I could be you... you could be me
Walk where I've been see what I see ......
Be truly alone with a room full of "friends"
Is it what makes you happy guess it depends .....
Depression has thousands  in its terrible army
At the end of the day it will only be myself that harms me.......

I meant to tell you...
if love is just a word then your thought is just an idea
you cant exist in my mind... that's just crazy
your voice wont haunt me.... that's just fear
every brown haired beauty looks like you from a distance
yet they don't fool my heart.... its just an *****
but it wont play at the wedding I wish came true
so this is what became of me... I hope your happy
not with sarcasm but full truth
Sorry I was a liar
If you could see me now id be ashamed
you made me so strong and I only broke
They say your happy and a mom.......
sweetie my love I wasn't worthy
As long as your happy nothing can hurt me....
Like a lifetime of kisses I cashed in for one foolish night...
I can honestly admit you were only always right
Jesters laugh at my follies now
Tears of a clown now makes more sense
Like the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence...
If I never stood in front of you disbelieving your beauty
how I never told you how your touch shot right through me
your smile could stop any feeling of pain
a voice so perfect could always drive me insane??
I meant to....

Lies only exist
in the spaces
between
yes and no

I don't know bottles comfortable stagger  its rewinds forgotten pain....
pollution of my veins now seems futile tense heartache chisels truth...
nicotine and ashes cloud the space I only visit on occasion....
headstones see my lies better than catholic crosses....
like a pornographic life I see it all uncensored and coldly explicit...
mental illness becomes far to clear thru self medicated tolerance...
a slam poetry intervention shines a spotlight on my failures...
I don't like the lifestyle or to be nested in hipster categories...
insane logic or a genious with dyslexia can be pointed at me blindly...
it really dosent matter if pain receptors became weak it was only a defense....
but in a science of space and matter... just give me some space and I promise you wont matter.....

I cant recall the nights I used to stare at stars thinking you would answer
Protesting my state and berating the loss
Children have been less needy than myself.. Handouts of sympathy no longer require my attendance....
Happy birthday only means I have the regret I created loss meant I couldn't be found
Blame is no longer sought... I burned all the memories but theres a few I forgot....
Nitetime hugs seemed so foolish as you always gave me a goodnite kiss...
Id trade everything I have for one more embrace.... Take back everything ive done for one more glimpse of your face...
Oh memories I guess tonight I know that candles on a cake are the one thing I wont blow out.....
with forgotten pain and new brought sorrow..... my birthday wish is simple " I cant wait till tomorrow".....

Like people are rewarded in public for what the practiced by themselves for years...
Walk into life with the acceptance that it is not going to be given to you...
Quit making ******* excuses.... these are only you showcasing your faults....
GREATNESS is not earned like a paycheck.... merely allowed to escape from the fear that held it back.....
If failure makes you quit then to succeed at your craft never truly lived within....
Death is a part of life and to live never meant a lifetime a minute can be spent LIVING....
HOLD NO ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FAILURES BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER GIVE CREDIT TO ANYONE FOR YOUR SUCCESS.....
When standing on the path of greatness haters will only throw storms of "you cant" and "you wont" in your face.....
Brace yourself stand where you are...... You don't have to move forward but DONT move back.....
PAIN can and will be the greatest asset to your vision don't let it anchor you to mediocrity....
WHEN you finally die leave no room for regret I can only hope as I go only happy memories of independent growth flash before my eyes...
PASS it on there is never a cap for greatness it can live forever DO NOT let it die with you....
SUCCESS CANNOT BE MEASURED BY ANYONE BUT YOU IF YOU ARE TRYING TO SUCCEED FOR OTHERS YOU WILL FAIL....

Anger now consumes my happy carefree misfit.....
To fit in I now became the serious carbon copy socialite....
They are the pinnacle of success every platinum promise I believed....
Valet my motivation to the parking lot of lies....
I'd rather get high and count change in a cup holder.....
Because when I changed it made me forget the things that count....
I sleep rarely because the drugs are now free...
Struggling for the dollar now became my motivations fermentation....
I hope like a fine whiskey it only gets better with age.....
And one day I can get back in a beat up car head to the back road. ....
Crank our favorite songs and mix it with cheap beer......
This is not a place poverty perceived.....
But I guess now it is a place I can't leave.....
Wars inside ask me who I really am a foot in the door or menace to society?
A foolish happy drunk or a serious miserable member of sobriety?
Maybe a balance isn't a bank statement or a lifestyle choice....
Being as loud as others only takes away your voice......
I guess watch the quiet ones with little effect on the other cattle....
This life is a party to enjoy not a painful battle.....

List on the mind of a battered soul.... realization cannot confirm delayed emotion...
Trickled memories bleed from an interior flood of bottled emotions....
Grasping tightly to reality only means someone should hold my hand....
As I grip tightly to a blanket covering what I hate more than anything.....
But bedtime means you are finally truly alone and demons dance in the dark....
Not like I mind they remind me I was once happy....
So I close my eyes and scream into there party....
Does my memorable madness echo through the hallway I built full of locked doors?
Is this all a dream and did I go to somewhere dark.....
But every time I open my eyes the demons are still dancing in the dark....
So with great exhaustion I accept that there not there to take me anywhere....
With all this pain inside they already have me where they want me....
And the shuffles now waltz me to my personal hell....
Like ballerinas dance in music boxes... my demons dance in the dark.....

Seems like the nite claimed another homie ........
When did life equal  " ***** you owe me!"
Youth blasted difference over a current narcotic debt.....
What is the pain we haven't seen yet?
I hugged mothers..father's. ... sisters..... brothers......
Seen kids crying alone underneath there covers......
I learned later colors no longer shine.....
If there not flaggin the right one they're no longer mine....
The terrible thing is I got out with a grin...
Like being away absolved all my sin.....
We gangsta we hard we don't give a ****......
That is till one of our loved ones finally gets hit.......
So while you gain respect and become a baller.....
Take the ones closest too you and price them a dollar.....
Because every move you make will make there lives cheap....
Is it worth the painful nights you hurt so much you can't even sleep?
Fast money and hoes lifestyles of the ****
Only put you further into the grave you proudly dug....
I don't have an answer I'm not wise enough to get out.....
But read these words and you'll know what it's all about.....

Pardon me while the words desperate angst replays it's rythym ......
Sheltered sounds emit from tortured interior selfishness.....
May these climaxes reflect the confused voice in my head.....
Sympathy is a heading somewhere in the hallmark catalogue......
And real men don't cry so I try not to think about it all......
No sounds can reflect where I am behind these bloodshot eyes.....
Like life somewhere said wait here and like a fool I stood in its pain....
Now desperate grasps leave scratches on the exterior of loves embrace....
Suddenly someone reached my varied intoxicated plain.......
Now that my pedestal has been toppled by fateful facts I am able to face.....
The future of my projected attitude and artificial behaviors seem foolish......
This is my therapy and an inner voice not permitted to escape.....
So with sincere apologies and poetic pardons excuse my confessions....
I ask nothing from these just that if I leave it here it no longer festers my emotions..
And with an open heart I accept your words because poets can only understand...
That beneath all the words there is a life somewhere writing.....

Days like this seem far too common now..... when the tears show up uninvited to my party's where I masquerade as content...
I can say I used to own someone's love... now I can barely afford to rent...
The days where the only strange comfort are broken words on tattered sheets....
About the world I once remember. ...  before it was pulled out  from under my feet....
Smoky interiors cloud the clear vision of outside happiness.... empty bottles and half empty cups now only melted ice....
I swallow the drugs like painkillers while it feels my hearts getting squeezed by depressions rusty vice...
Your expectations Weigh down the hope of ever being up once more......
 So before I can hang up my phone I'm off to *******  score......
What happens when you can't pretend the day is gonna end in any other way than a hundred days before...
When your mind tells you it ok to drink too much take another line.... You won't do any more.....
Lost intentions become untamed inhibitions and depression turns to anger....
You become confused about why you end up this way, was it sadness about something or are you ******* at a loved one or a complete stranger......
Either way you go home to a castle where the only damage on its walls were caused by its king.....
And the place I try to remember now doesn't cause me to be happy like it used to bring...
Believe me when I say that all this isn't because of you.... I am not worthy of placing blame on anyone but the enemy in the mirror...
I let the cracks in it grow so I don't have to see myself clearer....
But if I am really the cause of all this pain than watch me **** myself with the poison I ingest....
Because while you can't let me leave and this is the only thing I know... For all of you I only wish the best......

Giving up on me like a bad investment may save the company you keep....
I'll accept my pink slip and empty my heart.....
The equity of our future somehow got repossessed....
Might be a joint venture in  an unstable economy of love....
The recession I feel almost instantly as I pawn emotion at the tavern...
But like I care my credit card of success always came back declined........

While i shelter the storm... Memory is what light bears.....
As the light goes to a place I want to follow.....
The night shares the truth that fairytales are for the forgotten....
I Mistake her for the one that got away....
And brokenhearted truely alone I lay..
I watch her and she dreams of someone other than me...
Its the realization now we both sleep with the enemy....

Like I never felt comfort within lovers arms....
You were my first felt comfort.....
Holding you was true bliss mixed with confusion....
Missing you is misery mixed with regret.....
I think of you more often than sometimes is an understatement...
Like plagiarism of that line is easier to swallow....
Define lonely and accepting your departure equally impossible...
But like fortune turned its gaze you fell asleep in my arms....
You smiled at me when I was busy ignoring your stare...
My fingers played with the tips of yours like childish fantasy....
Behind the person I thought I was a true broken man emerged....
Because the sound of you leaving destroyed my ego....
Now haunting "what if "? And repeated " I should haves"  are too easy....
The hardest part of easy now is seeing how simply loved me...
These are the last words I'll write because you deserve better than sad  poems...
"Believe my love.. lifetime is a bitter acceptance till I can say gospel levity....
You deserved nothing other than the absolute best of me.....
Please never change....You were perfect being yourself...
I thought love and happiness went hand in hand with material and wealth...
Love you forever but have to let you be free....
Be where you belong and don't worry about me"....
Goodbye my love.....

Exit signs are
Appealing  to those
Who never felt
Invited.....

I dont dance and remember when... Like a country ballad I sat and wrote our future.....
Ash trays and bottle caps are surrounded by crumpled looseleaf  melted bees wax remindds me of the light i put out...
Like the only warmth in my desperate dungeon simplicity now i understand like a Einstein of obvious....
I frame my failures and hang the posts of social media near my melencholy motivations....
Desperate attempts now rely on the decline of my terror strapped sometime to become your worst nightmare...
2 am shifts and puch cards of never there left me tired of successful failure...
Cellular connection and text wars now fill my only connection when im not out of the service area......
Isnt wealth suppose to be your accept of my last mistake? Cold sandwiches Vlts double ryes supplement my misery....
A juggling act of balance now wears out the clown beneath my circus....
As the reality of a sublime future lights the mornings I leave... Sunset just means the day cannot sell my darkness its light...
As I forget how to smile and you remember how to dance....
know that staring at myself in motel mirrors and reflective gazes....
I know that deep inside im the one who needs changes...

Another case of penny wise violence...
gained respect out of childish nonsense...
repetitive skipping records complete painful soundtracks...
Track marks are now the cry for help that hurts there ears.....
****** knuckles handcuffed behind your emotions replace the tears...
Sudden distress felt on richter scales in fallen connection...
Now became a part of life you dare not mention.....
Shutters and picket fenced gold advertise once the life you foolishly sold..
completion of a lover left you suddenly quiet...
trying to forget only meant its to real to deny it....
reality confused your perception of selfish behavior...
Chemical reaction..
bottled control now became your savior...
Like a forest fire uncontrolled embers float along setting fire to desire.....
And a lost call for help became the truth labelled liar...
believe my worded confessional admissions over static frequencys
This is the only a programmed commercial not the best of me......

If I could write the days into a memory i could forget....
than i could foreshadow the future I havent seen yet....
Id scribble down the worst of my life... But always sign the best...
Put my heart onto the paper and keep it out of my chest.....
But a stationary hero isnt the answer for my worded crimes....
Like the emotion cannot be beautiful grammar or rhymes......
A Fragile label cannot be placed on the package i deliver....
The damage is real like my poisoned liver....
I declare a proclamation of Houston we have a Problem....
I know my problems.... Words they wont solve them....
So Scribbled shaky pen stains on bar napkins became my bible.....
The pain was a memory not a selfish revival.....
If you can see yourself within my written pain.....
All I mean to say is " I wish I could See you Once Again"......

Hate is a strong word that musters a listened repetivness....
Why beat the same drum must get tiring or you feel old...
Truth be told I cant hear you.... Out of cherished choice.....
Your distant taunts make the best of your lost voice....
Where I am a person worthy of kindness and affection....
Will be left in your lies of perfect perception...
You can not hurt me I can finally leave by decision....
Well i guess you can have your won mission...
Ill be gone and you can love your Korean joke......
Be left at night to ***** and tokes...
While you hate and say in not the perfection you chose...
All i will leave is the sound of a door ill close.....
Behind your hate and constant disaproval...
I built a machine capable of my removal.....
That is all no more words no more promises....
Eventually everyone will get sick of absorbing your losses....

If a lost cause felt the mourning of his fate.... the pain would be felt....
try gets lost in failure and getting up is to hard under the weight of your expectations....
Believe that your words echo in my nightmares and come out in the worst ways .....
Light shadows are a glimpse into the hopeful craters where love once crashed...
I am not a punching bag that deserves the punishment on my label....
terror is now a comfort cause hollow bleeds out of pores on my armour....
strength cannot be my ally because my weakness is where i last felt strong...

If words could believe what I write than the sound of breaking hearts may dictate beauty.....
Childish bickering turned into angry adultery measured by teenage angst....
Sometimes became never opposed by guaranteed indecision.....
When hands felt electric now only memorable sparks......
Eyes never melt they only lock on angry frozen failure......
Buried feeling now never see what there absence pollutes .....
Storms are constant warnings of devastating damage.....
What and where is the feelings of my arms keeping love safe....
A memory of the shine in your eye is the pain I can't face.....
All I know is soon this will be lost
But times I think maybe it wasn't worth the  cost.....
Liars face truths to barebones to deny
Strength is measured sometimes in the tears you will cry.....
Being lost means you finally found home.....
And being with "everyone" can make you feel alone.....
Money now creates bankruptcy of feeling....
And being grounded in pity means you have no ceiling. ...
Loneliness can be felt when your with the wrong forever....
And painful memories are the ones you most treasure....
I got lost in pain and truthfully could not tell....
That without her in my life I was living in hell......

Is this leading to where destiny projected
Lifetime ago was a memory now barely collected
Motivation  is currently only a currency in hand
It's grew a life now only I can understand.
I can't seem reactive or distanced at my state...
Moving towards a future I once thought was great
Is this what I am becoming or a gross mutation
Where I can't draw the line is success or relation
Great men had to pay dues I assume this is a percentage of success
While I slowly gain more it seems have have less and less
Charity and kindness are the cards up my sleeve.
But **** it success you can now leave.....
I'm a failure a peasant a beggar a child....
Unwilling to conform crazy and wild....
You see me at a distance and that's where you don't comprehend
That I have all I need I will always win in the end.....
A measure of success is not a numbers game....
It never said a promise of glory or fame.....
Be your own promise the person loved ones believe
And success will be yours.... never to leave .......

I knew you'd leave....
But staying was a selfish hope....
Thanks for my life back it reminded me....
Once upon a time "trust" meant false pretentions. ..
Home never came with a clear address........
Blood is not what makes a brother.....
Strange addictions now seem common .....
While most things never caused me discomfort.....
Missing you is a reality I know I'll face.....
While I stood in your presence and thought of the end...
What I meant to say is " thank you for being my friend".........