Hazy houses only contain helpless hope masked by chemical....
Broken bottles like souls remain at our feet on grimey concrete...
We smile thru deceptive instruction
to rally rebellion .....
And like we challenge ourselves we shuttle towards deadends ....
But this is as happy as we can achieve with tempory friends...
But fatigue and famine contain the way our hell ends....
If we could have just believed in upstairs cellars...
Maybe we wouldnt have eased our way down into lower levels..
But welcome mats litter the basements we exist...
While we take another hit .... I kinda remember the things i miss...

She's so close to me so many times before she leaves me stranded on cloud 9 alone....
Then smiling from someplace I never see she sees nothing but ways to make me feel small...
Once it seemed to easy to me to be her everything with a lot of difficulty...
Now complicated measure mean I'm someone not on her side
And she sees me as knight in rusted armour  caused by laughable tears...
Yet I stand near the fire and absorb heat destined to scorch my soul
Whole and alone I seem so distant only inches away ...
And another day seems so painful and I'm totally defeated...
But she begins a battle against me while I smile and kiss her eyes closed
So I don't have a bad memory... and begin my descent into her hell...
Will my loyalty and care be enough for her only time will tell...

They said stay away like I was allergic to her presence....
Whispered quiet warnings of her guaranteed disappointment...
Lied about her intentions so to make her untrusted....
Made her a villain in my "story" and wrote her off...
But when she got close she made me feel like I was addicted...
Her presence made her whispers seem so priceless ...
Now she seems so trusted I intend to make her mine...
To me the. Story became about us if only for a chapter...
And now addicted to her love I could almost say....
She made me live happily ever after ...

I knew you'd leave....
But staying was a selfish hope....
Thanks for my life back it reminded me....
Once upon a time "trust" meant false pretentions. ..
Home never came with a clear address........
Blood is not what makes a brother.....
Strange addictions now seem common .....
While most things never caused me discomfort.....
Missing you is a reality I know I'll face.....
While I stood in your presence and thought of the end...
What I meant to say is " thank you for being my friend".........

A culture of a lifestyle bred by need maintained by loyalty
Seems so abstract and dilusional in the perception of "normal"
Is the realization the handicap of chemical is perhaps a fairytale
Because everyone wants a happily ever after...
But no one realizes we are happy all the time...
But once upon a time this feeling we
gained from limited choice..
Never held my attention like a story set in the world of make believe
But a swift sorted magical spool or slipper never became reality
So we bit the apple of don't give a **** and became the villain in the story

I meant to tell you...
if love is just a word then your thought is just an idea
you cant exist in my mind... that's just crazy
your voice wont haunt me.... that's just fear
every brown haired beauty looks like you from a distance
yet they don't fool my heart.... its just an *****
but it wont play at the wedding I wish came true
so this is what became of me... I hope your happy
not with sarcasm but full truth
Sorry I was a liar
If you could see me now id be ashamed
you made me so strong and I only broke
They say your happy and a mom.......
sweetie my love I wasn't worthy
As long as your happy nothing can hurt me....
Like a lifetime of kisses I cashed in for one foolish night...
I can honestly admit you were only always right
Jesters laugh at my follies now
Tears of a clown now makes more sense
Like the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence...
If I never stood in front of you disbelieving your beauty
how I never told you how your touch shot right through me
your smile could stop any feeling of pain
a voice so perfect could always drive me insane??
I meant to....

I don't know bottles comfortable stagger  its rewinds forgotten pain....
pollution of my veins now seems futile tense heartache chisels truth...
nicotine and ashes cloud the space I only visit on occasion....
headstones see my lies better than catholic crosses....
like a pornographic life I see it all uncensored and coldly explicit...
mental illness becomes far to clear thru self medicated tolerance...
a slam poetry intervention shines a spotlight on my failures...
I don't like the lifestyle or to be nested in hipster categories...
insane logic or a genious with dyslexia can be pointed at me blindly...
it really dosent matter if pain receptors became weak it was only a defense....
but in a science of space and matter... just give me some space and I promise you wont matter.....

I remember when she would always chase me....
Like the times she would never let me be....
I remember she was a problem an obstacle to fun.....
When she would ask me why she wasnt my number one....
Oh i didnt have time... Ill be right back....
Then she would call crying... What a baby a hack....
I told all my friends  that she was a joke....
Another clinger only good for a poke.....
Then I got no call... To tears beating on phone....
I guess she got tired of being left all alone....
I only  thought that she would always be there....
Even if she left what would i care...
Turns out I pushed her way too far....
Never told her that she was my bright shining star....
My sun.... My world..... The reason I breathe....
Now i get it... A pain I could never concieve...
Just like sand she slipped through my hand....
All she ever wanted was for me to understand...
That she was rare.. A diamond among Stones....
Now i guess its me the one left alone...
She gave me my shot...  My one time chance....
At a love that compares to the greatest romance...
Then  it was too late.... to her house i ran...
But she had the look meant for me... In the arms of another man...
Now I know im not dumb... Im actually very smart...
I can accept that this was never  her fault....
Im to blame... I broke my Heart....

Another case of penny wise violence...
gained respect out of childish nonsense...
repetitive skipping records complete painful soundtracks...
Track marks are now the cry for help that hurts there ears.....
****** knuckles handcuffed behind your emotions replace the tears...
Sudden distress felt on richter scales in fallen connection...
Now became a part of life you dare not mention.....
Shutters and picket fenced gold advertise once the life you foolishly sold..
completion of a lover left you suddenly quiet...
trying to forget only meant its to real to deny it....
reality confused your perception of selfish behavior...
Chemical reaction..
bottled control now became your savior...
Like a forest fire uncontrolled embers float along setting fire to desire.....
And a lost call for help became the truth labelled liar...
believe my worded confessional admissions over static frequencys
This is the only a programmed commercial not the best of me......

Like every night draws me in like I found warmth in the dark....
The thoughts of what can never be seem less intense...
I can't see all the things I know now I'll dearly miss....
And imagine I'm already gone and all that glitters isn't gold...
Now never walking them down an aisle grants a whimper...
Or being anything but a burden before I say goodbye....
Or now knowing that my goodbyes will only echo in empty rooms...
How I tell myself it's just a bad dream and avoid sleep at all costs...
Now fatigue and disrepair are more evident everyday...
Must be a design of some sort because I leave nothing and no one behind...
And answers that I now know didn't vindicate or hypnotize
I am not going to heaven ... I already know this well...
But compared to my life and an eternity in hell....
I guess the pain isn't over which is worse only time will tell...

Its been a while... Since words could play rhythym to my mind
forgotten is a word remembered but left on a thought
So i could express the minds melody with vocabulary intelligence
But I havent changed the letters and vowels all lead to the same disaster
Just a keyboard scientist at work in his lab of chaos
Being the monster he zapped with too much knowledge and education
Rhymes dont make enough sense to say I TRIED
But beauty is a sentance away in the mind of a poet.......
And tears are streaming from the face of most....
Our words dictate the world most cant see or concieve....
To write is like a breath our words beat like a heart....
They cant be translated into anything but your understanding.....
but being understood is not why I write
This is my soul left somewhere with a pen or a spreadsheet....
I have nothing to hide..... Open book seems too cliche
But as you read the poems in my mind
I cant say you dont know the real person behind them......

Anger now consumes my happy carefree misfit.....
To fit in I now became the serious carbon copy socialite....
They are the pinnacle of success every platinum promise I believed....
Valet my motivation to the parking lot of lies....
I'd rather get high and count change in a cup holder.....
Because when I changed it made me forget the things that count....
I sleep rarely because the drugs are now free...
Struggling for the dollar now became my motivations fermentation....
I hope like a fine whiskey it only gets better with age.....
And one day I can get back in a beat up car head to the back road. ....
Crank our favorite songs and mix it with cheap beer......
This is not a place poverty perceived.....
But I guess now it is a place I can't leave.....
Wars inside ask me who I really am a foot in the door or menace to society?
A foolish happy drunk or a serious miserable member of sobriety?
Maybe a balance isn't a bank statement or a lifestyle choice....
Being as loud as others only takes away your voice......
I guess watch the quiet ones with little effect on the other cattle....
This life is a party to enjoy not a painful battle.....

The songs u sing the bottle left with poisons memory
I hear you like a siren of anger so I aim my ship at disaster
The rocks of a cliffs breaking tide entice my broken sails
But a safe port I cannot ignore as I weigh the options of pain or survival
I will go down with this ship no matter its fate
A proud captain is my title and my crew abandons ship
So with my last strength I see only indecision at the helm
Let the current lead me to safety rather than rogue waves to death.....

Carpal tunnel wrists are the result of Inexplicable weekends....
Ads on Flyers remind me of you now.... Like i didnt already feel weak at the sign of a million other daily reminders....
My smile retreats again away from a world I can only describe with a snicker.....
Anger mounts the forfront of the grind against days before you held me hostage again....
But the way you hold me I hope I never wanna be rescued.....
Soft sorrow is the way I can make believe this wasnt a mistake ......
Tired and alone again the vices are now a sure way to make this just a memory...
So ill sit alone and stare at the dark hoping the light from your love guides me through....
And youll never know how each letter i type makes me feel closer to you....
Love U Babe.....

Hate is a strong word that musters a listened repetivness....
Why beat the same drum must get tiring or you feel old...
Truth be told I cant hear you.... Out of cherished choice.....
Your distant taunts make the best of your lost voice....
Where I am a person worthy of kindness and affection....
Will be left in your lies of perfect perception...
You can not hurt me I can finally leave by decision....
Well i guess you can have your won mission...
Ill be gone and you can love your Korean joke......
Be left at night to ***** and tokes...
While you hate and say in not the perfection you chose...
All i will leave is the sound of a door ill close.....
Behind your hate and constant disaproval...
I built a machine capable of my removal.....
That is all no more words no more promises....
Eventually everyone will get sick of absorbing your losses....

Paint me a picture of ur pain so i can blend it iinto something beautiful.....
Break every plate glass and emotion over my stupidity so it eases the pain.....
Stare into the cell u are creati g by the actions of wifi wounds u deem harmless....
If i cant remember and you cant forget what was the exact moment we believed......
That thru this madness of chaos I have faith youll never leave...

I cant write like Shane.....
Or rhyme like Marshall....
My words are mine and I take full responsibility....
The advice you percieve is not what im trying to convey...
I am the village idiot in a society of Shakespeares...
Like I need a soapbox to visualise my plight...
The purest form of me is better left on paper....
Because when it bled into life... Nobody understood...
My laughter is captured in a joke I write meant for no none....
I never said it was funny only that nonsense is what makes me happy...
The moments of fear are in shaky etchings on prison walls.....
Where the only people who ever read it are destined for the hell I endured...
My sadness is the napkin after a holiday meal...
When I can only say I miss you using the medium of condiments....
A love note scars my heart and I now see beauty as a plateau...
The forgiveness letter is the sadness echoing from the valley....
Wish-lists are no longer lies about money or fame...
My bucket list is now a rewritten mess of hopes...
I cant write a story because they all turn into pop ups of memories I cant face....
Choose the adventure and Find waldos are the closest thing to my section...
Writing is now been the way I can send my dreams to the editor...
If inspiration was my muse it was taken mid-sentance ...
But if sadness means you will listen...
Than I guess writing is the gift that I wish i could return....

Tell me what it is you see when i say the word beauty or love  ....
Most would say a flower a sunset or there god from above....
I see it as a toothless grin from the man who values more with alot less than others....
The scared adopted kid when he learns that he has brothers....
The family who lost everything to some unknown fate....
But knowing together they are stronger than any hate...
The smile of a child in a moment of fear...
That is the time that makes everything clear...
That beauty and love may not walk hand in hand...
That the definition of each is for us to understand....
Look at the world in a view through others peoples eyes...
And it will show itself in ways that always surprise....

Scream so ur voices in my head cease to reveal scarred passion....
Lend me a hand to remind me of the nights I held u tight .....
Simply combine my selfishness with ur broken heart...
I never imagined u hurting when I abandoned hope......
Well I guess cockiness of counterfeit feelings became a joke...
My eyes burn now from the crystal tears down my cheek.....
Its not because I remembet loving you .... losing u made me weak...
But u didnt leave me I broke my heart.....
So maybe kiss my cheek while he waits and I fall apart...
Enjoy it love its what me and you could never find.....
And if you became happy with someone else... I dont mind ...
No more nights of cold shouldered sleep
No more fantasy life or impossible promises to keep....
But when u ask me why im sitting with a smile on my face....
It will be because your happy with him and finally found your place....
Love u Nonaa ..... This is just me Realizing what I lost....

Listen to strained comments that emit from my lips
Or let me hear the top 40 sounds of bewildered innocence
Lay down your arms and admit we were never enemies
Feast on the taste of my kiss as we become fluid lust
In the light of my windows jealous gaze
You reflect the moonlights hypnotized flicker
As my hand lies on the sheets surrounded by your skin
Grasping dear fate allows the reality of time to drift into oblivion
Breathe your beauty against my weak armour
Sigh and become my greatest sin
Laughs perish into a certain goodbye
But before cruel fiction takes you from me
Ill ask a miracle from an angel in my possession
Allow this to be my nightly heavan so I can gaze into your eyes as we drift into forever..
Let love compromise the walls built around my heart
May the impact of your beauty take my breath entirely
Surrender as we both lose our minds because Insanity describes moments
If forever never knocks again than may our tonight remain a rare mistake played by cupid...

I looked up friend so I could better understand....
All they said lead me to pain....
I Began with looking for "A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection"....
I came home with beer and a fish.....
I thought the next option was it for sure...
But it read..."A boyfriend or girlfriend"......
I called her up.... She said stay off the internet....
Well I guess it cant be wrong all the time... I read on....
Finally it said..."A person with whom one is vaguely or indirectly acquainted" .....
That was easy to do I barely know anyone since you...
That just made me sad.....
I read the final description... Oh finally a glimmer of hope...
This one would be easy to find....
It once again read..."A person who backs or supports something".....
I back and support the option of not using Wikipedia to find what your heart misses most.....
I closed my computer... Drank a beer.... missed you...
And watched my fish......

Giving up on me like a bad investment may save the company you keep....
I'll accept my pink slip and empty my heart.....
The equity of our future somehow got repossessed....
Might be a joint venture in  an unstable economy of love....
The recession I feel almost instantly as I pawn emotion at the tavern...
But like I care my credit card of success always came back declined........

I could write about Brooklyn or Australia like I could write about being happy and complete...
Ive never been there wouldnt that be neat  ....
Sonnet brief memories about the east coast of Canada nights in Victoria or Vancouvers bay....
Like loved ones i feel were taken too quickly away....
Ballads of regret and momentarily held Passion and Lust.....
Now I know the pleas of Apology and Distrust....
I can stare across the Prairie any given night ....
And  with A blanket of stars Above I  know you were right...
So as Im looking up at the northern lights dance....
Feels like the heavens are looking down saying....
"We gave you your chance"........

Sitting in the shell of burden
The sounds of youth blare out of mispent
Time
A simple coincendence I'm at the helm bottle in hand
But a copilot was not in my users manual
So as we check with the tower for clearance on life
The only thing I can thinlk is well an autopilot setting worked before
A honk from a curious stranger means that I am on the radar
Well I guess care and control is a option for authority
But you can't control me and I don't care enough to worry bout it

Lies only exist
in the spaces
between
yes and no

If I had CONTROL… The word means strength it reminds me of a man who is only alive in my memories….
It’s the first thought after things go bad….. The nervous laughter caused by anxiety……                                
After last nites drunk… Riding in that cop car…. a reassurance that this was your “ plan”….
Hearing her cry on the phone …. Or worse not hearing her at all……
Believing a silence was the same as a forgiveness….
Waking up pretending last nite wasn’t real….          
A joke at work where everyone laughs… Knowing that laughter is better spent on other things..
For every bottle cap or tab is like a countdown to the terrible truth…
Being right there but belief beyond hope keeps you invisible…. Seeing her cry….
The real moment where you cannot remember winning….
The moment where you realize it was never a gamble… She was yours….
Now you watch the parts of your life you hate… Bounce… Asking for seven and eleven….
Not for the win…. Only for the fact the dealer might give you another roll …..
Hoping for snake eyes of her face… belieiving you could read the table…..
And placing it all on control…. Now I know a word like control isn’t much different than gamble…
I don’t understand either… But everyone who asks I say……….
“ I never gamble……. I feel sorry for those who lost control…. “
AND CONTROL MEANS EVERYONE AND EVERTHING........

Simple syncerity and drawn out breaths seem like a welcome mat to your presence now.....
My guard that was built out of broken promises and painful goodbyes seems non existent in your arms...
I stare into your eyes and see a place I hope i can watch grow forever and touch your lips and inhale pure lust from your lips...
Like when I stare at the way your imperfections tie all your beauty marks across your back together like a perfect universe....
How when you laugh and tthe teeth you try to hidde escape from there false prison to light the world for a brief second....
Or how you dance and sing like a soul hell bent only to spread chaotic contagious happiness....
Or how I never heard anyone protect me while I sleep.... Or felt like a hero when I only held your hand ......
Each day is a priveledge to call you my love and each minute im able ill reassure your doubt.....
That even though we went seperate ways i prayed for the day I could show you what true love is all about ....
Love you more than words Babe......

I would sing you song if i could CARRY a tune.... I would always be holding your hand...
Instead of always leaving for work.... My job would be you....
.But never use the word job.... A job seems to be the biggest obstacle..... Early mornings... Late nights... Inappropriate anger that i know you absorb....
How i call home when i feel like i cant do this anymore... And how u never know that i was anything but dad....
The words i can never come up with.... A day without an egg is gonna be really sad...
I would **** anyone who hurts you... Because hearing you in pain kills me.....
I made you..... Hmmm i realize now you made me.....
You made me smile… You made me strong and You made me something i thought i could never be...
What that is will always be  yours....
I once wished to   fall in love... with the perfect girl...
I now know wishes do come true...
I never want you to be anything but you...
The way you sing like nobodys listening...
How a four tooth handicap may be necessary...
Because when you smile its already too amazing...
Where did these four short years go??...
Time can be the only thing i never accounted for...
Every minute i can steal from life i will give to you...
So I can teach you to never steal....
I will always be in the front row of every Christmas concert....
Be on the sidelines of every game...
I'm not watching the Rudolphs or even keeping score...
It's Your game… Your recital....
And if the day ever comes your too scared or embarrassed to be on a stage....You can see me in the front row...
And i hope you give me your best.... You brought out the best in me...
I will never have the same sets of rules for you.... Mine will be simple.... But maybe ill put those in other poems........
And one day when i am no longer cool....... I am no longer fun……..
I will give them to you.... So you will realize that you were always my baby...
And even though i cant sing a song….. I Will always CARRY you….

Most days its just me against the world...
Most days All i ever get is a cold response...
A cold shoulder.. Your high again.......
A cold house... I can make it warm.....
A cold supper... It was my fault....
But most days everyone asks me for a little extra....
At most the only thing they want will cause my discomfort....
Most days I just agree...        
Because its the same as everyday....
I control an army that is mostly expendable.....
With soldiers called Sanity... Hope... Health.....
They mean nothing to no one....
But every night i nurse the wounds...
Of soldiers who only serve the needs of others.....
And the days they dont have to fight....
They are told not to talk too much...
To never say that they are tired...
That they too are something..
They belong to someone.....
No they are simply a disposable front line...
In a battle they must win for the love of their homeland.....
Oh home... They are forgetting that place...
Sometimes they hide in bars.....
Or in plain sight shellshocked from a continued battle....
Nobody cares its what they signed up for...
When they leave there is no longer a girl.... A family... No that is not the goal....
They are just in trenches against odds not in their favor....
Where the enemy is always getting new weapons.....
They learnt how to hide... To strike and hurt innocents....
After all collaterall damage is part of war.....
But as they look n there wake only burnt bridges that led to hope....
Crying children... Maybe they lost their goal..... Sometimes they shake from fatigue... Fear.....
Then its time to get a jolt from chemical not suited for them....
But its viewed as a want.... Never a need.....
I wish there was another way....
Sometimes a soldier goes AWOL...
The others stand in... A force of maniacs....
They just do what it takes to cover the ones who left....
With little care for anyone but themselves....
I dont control that army...
They call themselves Anger, Pain, sadness....
All under a warlord who neither cares or remembers....
He calls himself Addiction....
My army is able to fight them...
Even tho they are outgunned and wounded....
They are strong and run towards certain death.....
Holding pictures of a better time..
A picture of the woman they loved...
She is now only a memeory.....
A song.... A tune everyone tells them is offensive...
A belief.... That once they are victorious....
They might be taken serious....
And promoted from corporals... To seargeants.....
To lead a peaceful rebellion...
They no longer want war...
They want a truce with an enemy...
They only want to go home if only for a short leave....
To tell the people they love...
They are still here.. Please dont forget them....
But each time the shells fall silent... The cities no longer burn...
A crisis.... an atomic bomb brings them back into battle....
I feel sorry for them.....
My stories of motivation are now tales...
I wouldnt believe me either...
This was always my war....
They are just old friends now...
Gray and weak.. we no longer laugh or visit....
They just do what they have learnt to do.....
A good soldier never questions...
To die for their country is just a fate.....
I can only hope as each one dies...
I can hold them for at least a moment...
To thank them.....
To let them know i remember them....
How glorious they once were...
We thought we would own the world.....
Now each day im writing letters to memories....
Im soory to inform you..... They will be greatly missed....
I am sad these were great soldiers... But at least I know as they are killed....
It wont be long till I go.....
If I lose to the other force.... Heavan help everyone I care for.....
They will destroy them...
But another morning... Another battle....
Maybe today is the day...
When they get to go home... They get to feel loved to be cared for...
But i dust off their helmets and they head back out to battle.....
I dont have the heart to tell them...
I know we are gonna lose...
Its never been a war I believed they could win.....

I have to believe these useless words I write are a passage aimlessly pointed towards success....
That the repulsive looks are destined for the past only to replay the taste of bitter judgement....
Wilting sunlight dances across my desk as my words always head for darkness.....
Learned behaviors are just the starting point towards greatness.....
My lust for popularity is gonna be just a checkpoint on the way to my love of written word....
As I look back at the life i left to the fruits of my craft I realize....
Only I appreciate where I am and where Ive been...
And I neither care or hope to make you understand my poetry.....

Why do you sneak into my brain like a silent assassin
I think about you as I hold someone else, Ineptitudes laughter
Forces me to run from every comfortable embrace
Like a madman poised on certain madness I whimper by myself
With eyes closed I strain to forget your image and breath on my skin
Your light still holds me as I stared for that last time into your eyes
Alcohol and cigarettes are now the sure sign of remembrance
A quick typing keyboard or a dull broken pencil......
Means that I no longer want to be the life of your party
I can no longer shoulder your pain... Missing her seems like everything
And as i Light one more cigarettte and open one more bottle....
No more tears no more thoughts....  I try not to think about it anymore....

Tears and tired eyes now became her gaze....
Clouds of vapor and cheap cigarettes are her constant haze...
The anger behind her madness begins to blaze....
And opening her mind reveals her pain soaked maze...
She acts like signs of childhood evaded her grip...
And all the ones she trusted did more than just jump ship ....
So she finds a shield and takes her pill to focus her trip...
And into her oblivion and forget it all I watch her slip...
She sees me as she quits her fight...
And it's me and her against another night...

He says the way he was is what I see
The lonely words break my heart
Like a cpr course is the thing I wish I took
To breathe the life back into him when he smiled uncontrollably
The man I am can be hurt same as him
He still says the things that make me wince
A heart transplant of hope comes in a box
Its marked 12 budwieser or 25 cigarrettes
Its ok as long as I wait for your recovery
I know that your hospital of pain was only the beginning

How do i say the words...
Meant better for a song...
I know i cant sing....
But i know im not wrong...
"I want to tell the story of a love not meant to live...
Like it was a BROKEN promise never meant to give...
How all the best is memories that are best left unthought....
And all the " I Love You" gifts were never meant to be bought....
I cant say im sorry because i dont wanna lie...
I can say this with conviction... I dont care if you cry....
Ill leave in a heartbeat.... I cant be kept...
I hate the feeling that "Something" should be felt....
This was a Farce and always a lie to most....
So i guess as drinkers we should leave with a toast...
May hearts of sin never lock eyes...
May when you lose once you never give a hundred tries...
And the most important  toast and part...
May you never start a life that is now your entire heart"....

While i shelter the storm... Memory is what light bears.....
As the light goes to a place I want to follow.....
The night shares the truth that fairytales are for the forgotten....
I Mistake her for the one that got away....
And brokenhearted truely alone I lay..
I watch her and she dreams of someone other than me...
Its the realization now we both sleep with the enemy....

Everything good goes "Away".....
I wish i knew where "Away" was.....  I know where i left my heart...
Is "Away" that one perfect girl?
With the imperfect smile...  That brought it back to only stunning..
Is "Away" that one house where you felt home?.....
Maybe its making love.... Not *******....
I hate that definition... Like when I told you " I ****** up"......
Or when you ****** my best friend......
The "Away" I can picture is your face under the stars..... With irragation sprinklers in the background......
A broken ankle.... And someone finally taking Care of ME.......
A birthday spent alone with you....
Do they let guys like me in?...... I hope not..
"Away" is a place that  you deserve because  I cant hurt you there....
I can say i never meant to hurt you.... But in retrospect.....
What else would be the outcome?.......
I hope "Away" is you happy....
"Away" is you being someones else's Far and Away.....
I hope you send me letters.... So I could send them back Unanswered..
Because you left me Here.... And I think "Away" Suits you much better...

I'm sorry if I cherished a moment you might have missed
Like all the memories I knew I risked
Caught with open laughter or with closed fists
People all around only kept us ******......
Shadows and light laughter evaded our youth
Grown redemption and nervous acceptance and  truth .....
Lights and carols...... December lies too much....
And only kept sanity provides life's rush...
A dollar a gram couldn't be much cost
But behind the curtains I became lost
Out the window....My  dreams I tossed...
Broken and bent hell born and sent...
Becoming back from Superman to Clark Kent
Desperately trying to Pay  pain for  rent
Outside the only thing that ever meant.......
Safety and warmth.... the place I feel home
Now is a reminder of the place I will never own....
Don't have a number don't try to phone ...
It's better off if ended up all alone

If i could say the most of my thoughts in ten words.....
The words would be a simple puzzled strike...
A lash out on the grins of content fools...
"Believe while you dream attrocities
              Not attainable to
               broken hearts"....

Sunrise and drunk sweats make the day seem futile....
Shaky hands bloodshot eyes and last evenings breath now standard...
Uncomfortable rooms in rented homes make me tense and upset....
When can I go home or at least be blended in to my surroundings....
She the last thing I can call mine lays on our sad mattress ...
And the day begins with a shot of don't remember chased by a drink of they won't notice....
But I'm not gonna be a pity party of one so I put up my ******* and hide behind expensive lenses ...
My friend and Doctor is now my only thought ...
So I can start this day with no thought of the things and people I forgot...
Please guide my actions and disregard my anger....
Because I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger....

A knock at my door of hope left a message meant for my heart...
A picture of the life I know with a forcast of a storm I seen slowly start....
"To whom it may concern the jurisdiction of your trials cannot be placed
Like the jury will deliberate a guilt contained in your face
Exhibit a thru z all have your marks and are known to the truth
A charge of negligence cannot be lessened because of ur youth
Prior records all will be weighed
But a bail plea is yours to be made
You can be placed at the scene of your crimes
The evidence is too strong to be wrong every time
May I suggest you settle this with a letter you should have sent from the start
So a restitution payment of pain dosent break your heart
I assume this notice will be enough to make it clear
That you will not be allowed near the ones you hold dear
So as a counsel to your cherised estate
Please don't tempt the supreme court of fate..."

Losing a friend does not mean **** to me
Friends are made at bus stops and bars
People are easy to replace because every corner has one
But if you called yourself brother then I cant understand
Money is your defence...  Keep it I thought I was deeper...
Yet ALL my brothers laugh at me today
**** em they sit basck and watch success play my fiddle
Laughter is all they have now and stories of a former me
Your memories wont fade I shut the door on you and all the Memories
I can walk faster than the hope I will forgive you
But **** it you made your point..... I wont answer you ANYMORE
Dead to me is the way i will leave it......
And on my headstone it will say "Missed By True Brothers"

I wanted to make this something special....
To show her that I finally expressed myself.....
That time you said....
"You never buy me anything...."
Oh now the gift is bought....
Im nervous.....
Could this really be it....
Oh look there she is....
My hands are shaking... My foreheaad  sweat drips on the letter in my hand.....
Maybe flowers would have been a nice touch??
No lets not get carried away here....
Ok lets not beam with happiness... After all this is serious.....
After five years you are gonna say those words....
Wish her parents could be here....
I get down on one knee........
So she dosen't have to stand... She hates standing....
And look her right in the eyes..... hand her my gift.....
An official looking letter... With a Logo of a law offfice....
Put my hand out...
Oh oh....... She thinks this is something else.....
Better tell her those three words... She opens the letter...
Her smile turns to tears....
She looks at me and mutters "Really?..."
Yes sweetheart.... I finally committed...
Thats my lawyers name...
He says you cannot use my daughter against me anymore.... Oh heres those three words....
"Im leaving you...."

If words could believe what I write than the sound of breaking hearts may dictate beauty.....
Childish bickering turned into angry adultery measured by teenage angst....
Sometimes became never opposed by guaranteed indecision.....
When hands felt electric now only memorable sparks......
Eyes never melt they only lock on angry frozen failure......
Buried feeling now never see what there absence pollutes .....
Storms are constant warnings of devastating damage.....
What and where is the feelings of my arms keeping love safe....
A memory of the shine in your eye is the pain I can't face.....
All I know is soon this will be lost
But times I think maybe it wasn't worth the  cost.....
Liars face truths to barebones to deny
Strength is measured sometimes in the tears you will cry.....
Being lost means you finally found home.....
And being with "everyone" can make you feel alone.....
Money now creates bankruptcy of feeling....
And being grounded in pity means you have no ceiling. ...
Loneliness can be felt when your with the wrong forever....
And painful memories are the ones you most treasure....
I got lost in pain and truthfully could not tell....
That without her in my life I was living in hell......

Belief in your eyes is not what I see when all I hear is lies....
A familiar taste of hope is watered down by the touch of our skin
It feels so wrong and still makes me shudder when your kiss was a gift
I kept the reciept so I can refund the action for my full emotions
You act like our feelings had a lifetime guarantee...
But look at it closely and you will find Made In Chaos somewhere on the damaged package.
But if you really wanted my consumer report
I'd say the best thing about us is the limited appeal we had on the market

Well I guess love doesnt  live here anymore....
But it left a note...
It said " I woke up scared and shaken...
I thought I was home I must have been mistaken....
And sometime between morning and night....
I awoke to you in horrible fight....
Your screams and voices are not what I recall.......
And Once I leave you will know you lost it all".......

If a lost cause felt the mourning of his fate.... the pain would be felt....
try gets lost in failure and getting up is to hard under the weight of your expectations....
Believe that your words echo in my nightmares and come out in the worst ways .....
Light shadows are a glimpse into the hopeful craters where love once crashed...
I am not a punching bag that deserves the punishment on my label....
terror is now a comfort cause hollow bleeds out of pores on my armour....
strength cannot be my ally because my weakness is where i last felt strong...

If your religion is what seperates me...
Than as an atheist i cant be free...
If your god only listens when you preach his word...
Than he is better listening to other things he heard...
I do believe in something and I pray...
It was worst part of life that that makes me say...

If life was a journey a learning mystery?
Than the great almighty gave me a powerful history...
I lived through the worst the things i cant ever say...
Being me is the choice i make everyday...
I will not ever say im better than anyone else...
Because I seen the bottom and had no help...
Learned I was different and reminded I was brown....
Than told If i gave my life to him i would be found...
I am a ******* person an equal event...
In a world based in money i never costed a cent...
I died twice when i was born and never saw the end..
I mourned the loss of two sets of parents and buried my best friend...
I was homeless and alone and I stared at the sky....
I said ******* any challenge ill try...
My greater power is the reason i go on...
Not to do any service only to prove him wrong...
You chose me as a target a starting point to measure...
To say the life you lead is better than my drug induced pleasure....
I wrote a book my story changed your views....
With my back against the wall i refused to lose...
My life isnt a basket full of donations...
I am no longer scared to say im native... First Nations...
I was not meant to be here Im suppose to be gone...
And by the word of your god I am a sinner and wrong...
The powers a mystery A faceless name...
But in my belief...... He treats everyone the same...

I can remember the shimmer of the hair in your eye...
As you wiped away the tear that said you were gone....
The heat of the sun on my neck as you turned your back...
When the heat was the last thing i recall when we were alone....
The slam of the car door was a final note in the song called  "You and Me"...
I cant be the only one who felt like forever was over...
Now its five years later and I am still writing about you...
Like a pen that has infinite ink.... A pencil that never dulls..
My words reach for you across the paper....
The tears fall on the page like a reminder that like us....
Every beautiful thing will be smeared and left imperfect...
Another letter lays on a floor full of days i cant forget....
Then I look around and every word is the life I remember....

If I can get this pain on paper...
Maybe if my words could heal the hurt...
My sorrow is now in nouns and vowels...
The letters all look sad to me...
Every period seems so final...
Like it will stop forever...
I wish i could say I don't hurt any more... period....
Why cant Grief be like a poem?...
A quick  way to not be ok....
A series of words that you know will have an end...
But I guess some poems read like a book...
Maybe this one has a happy ending...
But for now its the saddest thing I could ever be part of.....

As the world became a time like before
Choice and desire led a war with my character
I am not a follower but am led to infinite sin
A source of compassion may change lifetime lessons
Without a shoulder or hand weights do nothing but keep you motionless
Surviving and growth are cousins in a nobel family
Lucky to be near the embrace of a family I know well...
As I survive to fight a battle against the odds
I wonder if growth became content with my standing.....
Now I see the two as twins from a mother called arrogance
Symptoms of failure and disrespect seem to make my choice clear
Like a plant grows toward the sun in harsh conditions
It does more than survive it reaches for the warmth of simple comfort...