my love for him is wholehearted, however, it seems like i can't love him correctly anymore?
i can't put my arms around his waist, or touch his chest, or hold him certain ways.
i used to be understanding when it came to the lack of p.d.a because i agreed that it was inappropriate.
but, now, i feel like the girl that he just holds on to because he feels like no one else will accept him how he is.
under the binder, behind the socks in his underwear.
i don't care which gender he is because i fell in love with who he is at heart.
but anymore, i'm scared his heart is changing.
his mind definitely is, from putting on mascara 6 months ago to trying to make a shadow.
i am understanding.
i am loving.
but i am not benevolent.
or all-knowing.
but who knew loving someone unconditionally would come with so many conditions?

you are the color in between all of the other colors
you don't care about the spectrum, you are an entity
i don't love you to the moon and back, i love you more than all of the stars in the galaxy
i love the way you capture everything i've ever loved
you are darkness
you are light
you have depth
you are whole
but that doesn't mean you're perfect
you are unlike anything i've ever seen
you are magical
you are the feeling i got when my dad tucked me in at night
you are as sweet as the memory of me dancing and singing in the rain up and down the street i grew up on
you are beautiful
but that word is so cliché
it could never define you
you are something that i've dreamed of
you are like déjà vu
you aren't like the nightmares that follow me into the daylight
you are what holds out a hand and tells them to stop
you are the feeling of having ten blankets on you but still being comfortably cool
you are the nicest pillow i've ever laid my head upon
you are the reason my tears stop pouring
but sometimes you are the reason they pour
because you are so complex
and i long to understand you and fear i never truly will
because you are grey
you are everything and nothing
empty and full
the space in between
you're indescribable
so this poem with incomplete sentences and no capitalization
can't come close
to everything that you mean to me
you believe you are a spec of nothingness
and that people can walk by you and not remember you
but you're unforgettable
you're captivating
you're the emotion in my ellipses
you're... my favorite color

i only had one grandma.
i had people of no relation who snaked their way into my heart and then abandoned me when things got too tough.
i had one who sent me 2 holiday cards and never spoke to me because she could care less for my mother.
and then i had her.
the woman with the beehive hair and the list of men who adored her.
the smoker.
the charmer.
the maker of the best baby blankets and christmas wreaths.
i had someone who woke me up with a hug and kiss and itsy bitsy spider on the tv.
with a cup of coffee in her hand and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the counter, one for each of us.
i had a woman who was a terrible mother but saw nothing but beauty in me and knew that i was her ticket to forgiveness.
i had a woman who empowered me and made me feel beautiful.
from the baby pictures of me in her bathroom to the way her beautiful green eyes that she gave to me looked at me with such love and adoration.
i had a woman who spoiled me.
who wanted me to have everything, not so i could act privileged, but cultured.
i had someone who felt empty inside.
who abandoned her daughter.
who did drugs and smoked until her lungs gave up on her.
i had no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
no more macaroni art.
i had no grandma.
and maybe that’s when i started to lose my innocence.
when i realized that the woman i idolized was ripped away due to selfishness and irresponsibility.
that the nights my mother would cry herself to sleep because my father wouldn’t ever stop yelling grandma wasn’t just one call away.
there was no protection.
and while i’ve forgotten her beautiful voice i can still hear screaming and crying.
i can still hear the moment of silence and the sad man playing the keys to the tune of amazing grace.
i can still hear my father silently priding himself because he knew that he had officially isolated my mother and i from all we had ever known.
and after that, doors were closed and locked.
there were more holes in the walls and bruises and welts.
the vacations were excessive because my mother dreaded being in the home she had once drafted and created for her family.
the white picket fence was torn down.
the dog was buried in the purple flowers.
and i saw the woman i call “mom” crumble to nothingness.
and my father rise from my nonexistent grandmas ashes.

Void less echoes shimmer across
the hull, as her thoughts delve in
to the scintillescent embers of her
past. She couldn't have foreseen
that every pebble gazed downward
upon, wasn't worth the ripple of an
                             anchor without her.


Her hands held on to the metal as
if it were of meaning, caressing its
indentations. She knew every bolt
and rivet that kept her within the
confines of this place. She used to
gaze outward in this very
                                             same spot.


Memories are like stars, fading after
they have burnt brightly for so long.
This is why she came to this window.
Casting a gaze thinking of the beauty
before her, possibilities to her endless
imaginings, but then she faded
                                                   before me.

But space is cold, and now she ventures
beyond my grasp, a grain in an ocean
eternity. I look outward thinking of her
everyday. Knowing that one day I’ll be a
grain finding her
                             in the sands of time

Come let us shake off our heavy clothes
down by the river where no one goes
fears will be falling like dominoes
where this is leading no one knows.

Swim with the fish and the dragonflies
clouds are reflecting in your blue eyes
swim against the tide, we can only try
evening will come to pass by and by.

Come let us join up our weary hands
tell tales of treasure and foreign lands
here in the water we'll play our parts
leading the charge with our beating hearts.

Come let us shake off our heavy clothes
down by the river where no one goes
fears will be falling like dominoes
where this is leading no one knows.

An anagram of luminosity,
      breathing the arrival of
      life's awaking season now
                                blossoming.

Collected on windowsills,
       brightening a households aura.
       A radiance breaths sunlight  
                                                within­.

Showing him the  
            up and over
             maneuver.

He tries, succeeding.
            I'm a big boy,
                      smiling.

A lonely maggot weaves within a skin
of plush thought. On the outside not
a blemish of appearances. But beneath
this maggot becomes a fly buzzing within
                                       confused messages.

Where one laid the eggs of woeful sorrow,
but the fruit still looks fresh, never showing
what collects below. Eating away at the
reflection that were pure, now swollen  with
                   discontent of noises feeding beneath.

"Seeing only the surface
                  never shows the secluded
           emotions rotting within a chamber of sorrows"

I'm just a man
               with a pencil
sharpening it.
For blunt words
        never mean much,
but sharpened words
          are smooth
on there understanding .

My footsteps should have remained static,
but I listened while you were whispering
                beyond my reflections.
       I was their but my own impression
didn't linger long enough to see the pain
                       falling like autumns leaves.

I looked beyond the views of myself and saw
a light fading before it was meant to become
                                                    a shooting star.
I now wish upon your descending memory,
wishing I had been there more before you felt
                        the need to become extinguished.

Reminiscing on my failures of what I should
                                           have delicately read.
But I let you light fade swinging like an
extinguished chandelier.
No longer did light breath,
                    but an extinguished moment
of time that wasn't meant to fade yet.

*"Were both shooting stars hanging silently,
                      never falling just motionless in grief.

We are all stitches in the cloth
                           of the universe,
each a moment holding
        the past & future together.

For without these
                   overlapping occasions
we would become frayed.
Undone not learning from one another.

But we are but one stitch among the
                    many colours that are
woven as far as the eye can see.
            patches that collected together.