When I was five,
my mother told me I was loved.
Years later, she asked me to leave because
I was the reminder of the gruesome past that haunted her.

When I was ten,
my father told me he believed in me.
Years later, he refused to accompany me because
I was an embarrassment to him in front of the society.

When I was fifteen,
my friends told me I was funny.
Years later, they all laughed at me because
I was the gullible teenager who fell for their flawless façade.

When I was twenty,
this guy said I was beautiful.
Years later, he trashed me, tormented me because
I was ignorant enough to overlook my inevitable flaws.

So, sorry for not believing in you,
for questioning your intentions, inclusively, in-depth
when you told me you loved me because
I didn’t want to wind up years later,
learning it the hard way that people often don’t mean what they say.

At first, there is nothing,
Then a blossom of light
It brightens your day,
And glows in the night.
A wonderful feeling,
Puts warmth in your chest.
And for a short while,
You feel strangely blessed.
But then, there are those things
That just will not work.
They try and fit together,
But both are just… hurt.
So one says goodbye,
The other says it doesn't matter,
But in actuality,
Both hearts are shattered.
Like broken pieces of glass,
They cut and you bleed,
But both visions are too clouded
To see what they really need.
A little bit of warmth
To melt and to mend
A new kind of glow
To see you through to the end.
There will be many ups and downs
There will be sunshine and rain
There will be love and heartbreak
They will always be the same.
Someone will shatter you,
And you’ll feel
there’s no way to be fixed,
But broken isn't unfixable,
And someone new
is thrown into the mix.
All love may not be eternal,
But some things will last,
And heartbreak only lasts,
As long as it is asked.

i’m tired of not loving you.
i’m tired of the dry
fluorescent lights
illuminating not everything
but almost everything
just enough to make me think
i see it all.
i’m tired of waiting
for the stones i sent skipping
across the water
to come back
i’m tired of sinking with them.
i’m tired of noticing
that snow during spring
is warmer than i am
i’m tired of complaining
and then being scared of
what you think
of my complaining.
i’m tired of stitching puzzle pieces
into patterns that don’t make sense
just so i can ask you about them
i’m tired of trying to hang paintings
on bare white walls and thinking
i’m the problem
when it doesn’t stick.
i’m tired of being overestimated
even when i know
what i’m doing
i’m tired of falling in love
just because you’re kind to me
i’m tired of not loving you
but i’m tired of not loving me more.

It's not easy to revisit our memories
I am not quite sure why
Maybe I actually did love you
Did? Do? Done
I don't know
Maybe I didn't and
It's too hard to admit

Maybe I am a mindfuck
That just likes playing games
Feeling empowered
By breaking bones and hearts on my way up
Seeking control when I'm feeling lost

Maybe I'm ashamed
Because I know I hurt you badly
I kept blaming you too
"We weren't right"
"You were too dependent"
"You were too invested"

Maybe it was me
I don't know what I feel
I don't necessarily regret the break
I do miss you sometimes though
We weren't great at the end
We were definitely something though

Maybe I miss your friendship
Getting ice cream together after it all
That's a memory I can't forget
It was hard for us both
I never told you that though
How do I tell you that
I didn't think we could be friends
Because I couldn't handle it
When it still doesn't mean we should be together again?

Maybe it really was the pressure
"Soulmates"
That's a loaded explanation
You know I crack under that kind of intensity
It's not your fault though
It's easy to desire the untouchable
Especially once you've touched me

Maybe we will never speak again
Maybe we will
Either way I need you to know I'm sorry
Genuinely

Maybe it's because I recently felt
Something similar to the way you might have
Because when someone you love
Desires another
It could **** you

Maybe it was easy to delete the pictures
Simply because I am running away from memories
Maybe I don't want to face these demons
They always catch up eventually

Please just remember
You are strong
You are worth love
You are beautiful
You will find someone who treats you right
You are enough on your own though
You deserve everything good and
You will survive this storm

I am constantly checking myself
When problematic thoughts enter my mind
Or negative feelings originate in
The messed up ways I've been socialized to think

I do not wish to own anyone or anything
Yet sometimes possessive thoughts plague me
I must remind myself that we are all only humans
Trying to find our best route to happiness

This one article stated that
The hardest part of polyam relationships
Lies in the negotiation between
Your and your partners' needs

So I must always remain on guard
Because the jealousy and sadness coming from within
Was bred by the broken systems we grew up in
And redefining those is a part of my resistance

Monogamy stems from the patriarchy
And sexism lies within that
Possessiveness and jealousy are not cute
They only lead to blaming others for your own inconsistencies

And I am a mess of inconsistencies

there's this girl, she lights up my world.
her glow illuminates what we were, what we are, and what I want us to be

and it shines for miles and miles.

there's this girl, she lights up my world.
but haven't you heard?

with one cold breath

**she blew out the candle.

you spilled your secrets onto my skin
writing pretty words along my collarbone
sealing them away with kisses
like promises
my body quivered in response
our interlocked hands much like our bond
how could i ever let go
i whispered stories into your messy brown hair
somehow they found their way to your mouth
smiling into my lips
unspoken understanding
the sun begins to rise
turning a page
we fall asleep amongst ink stains

“I dare you to walk across this broken glass to get to me.” You said
“Why can’t you walk across it to get to me?” I asked
“I don’t want to get cut.” You said
“Neither do I.” I said while walking towards you barefoot.

“I dare you to grab the arrow.” You said
“Why can’t I hold the bow and you hold the arrow?” I asked
“I don’t want to get hurt.” You said
“Neither do I.” I said gripping the arrow as you took a step back.

“I dare you to stand in front of this gun.” You said
“Why don’t you let me hold the gun?” I asked
“I don’t want to get shot.” You said
“Neither do I.” I said placing the barrel to my chest as you put your finger on the trigger.

I'm not in love
I hope I'm not
I think I used to be
but I'm not right now...

I'm not in love
I mean there is someone
He's nice
I don't know

I'm not in love
But if I am
Things are gonna get
complicated.



(I'm not in love
But if I really was
I bet my poetry
would be way better)