march 26, 2019

despite all my cracks,
i still put on my mask
Hide the flames churning inside
Hide the flood of tears in (crossed out: your) my eyes
Hide the rocks weighing down

my

soul.

i'm embarrassed
of all the people reading my life
and passing through
no comment, no like
just watching

watching as time goes by
on the bleachers
waiting for the game to end

cheers and shouts
my distanced gaze is different from all the rest
meaningless numbers are shown on the board

only cheap thrills
temporarily balancing your thoughts
until it doesn't work

What are these voices in my head
that keep telling me I'm worthless?
They say it with a smile
as my happiness dissolves.
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it's just me, but I feel like my brain isn't ******* on right.

I wish I could feel your soft pale skin against me
I wish I could run my fingers through your hair
I wish I could comfort you
at your worst moments.
I love your sweet smile
I love the way your so beautiful I can't capture it on paper
I love you
more than anyone could ever love you.
I want to hug you for hours on end, never letting go
I want you to tell me everything is going to be okay
I want to kiss you
by the lockers.
I need to know when you're hurt
I need to know when you need me to come and save you
I need to know why
we love the way we do.
I know it's wrong
I know these feelings might not last
I know it's just young love,
but want to kiss you.
I guess it's stupid
I guess it's dumb
I guess I'm going to regret sending this to you later...
but I just need to tell you one way or another how much I love you.


I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'D TRADE THE ******* WORLD FOR YOU.
I KNOW WE'VE BEEN JUST BEST FRIENDS FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, BUT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. I REALLY LOVE YOU.
LIKE, I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU.
PLEASE ACCEPT.

I'm sorry, mommy.

You told me you loved me. For the first time in years. You were tucking me in bed with tears stinging your eyes.

I stared back, looking at the ugly wrinkles lining your face.

"Well...I don't!"

I turned away, staring at the plain white wall.

You shouldn't have seen my wounds.

You waited for me
And I failed to come
I deserve to be forgotten in this dusty hole
Because of what I've done

They just think that she is a little strange
They can't see the thoughts or feelings inside her head
And if they saw,
They would weep
For the pain inside her
is so terrible



her is me

your tears are like ice burning into flesh
each tiny droplet is a memory
a memory that you've stashed deep in your soul
and every single time these tears spill
it leaves a rough imprint on you
like those scars tracing your arms
into your veins
to your heart
pumping screams and shouts
to your soul

the old radio is broken again
wish we never bought it
time to beat it
and beat it
until it plays songs like a normal radio should


who even cares about an old and broken radio?

Why can't you hear me
I'm screaming
But it's like you can't hear me despite all my shouts
And I am suffering
And shaking
Knowing that you
Can't hear my cries

I miss the way you smiled
I miss the way you laughed
I miss the way your eyes would light up just seeing me



I miss the way you loved me

wish you knew the pain i went through to get to you

because when i found you, you had already moved on

carts rolling down the beaten up street
kids daring others to hide out in forgotten alleyways
bottles clinking inside musty bars
and you.
you are sitting around reading another novel, as usual, and finally reach the last page
you look up and stare at everything around you
this average looking city
but it isn't so average now that you see it all
its so much more than that
with its towers testing one another to see who can touch the clouds
the graffiti on the old brick walls of rundown buildings

and the love that you see everywhere
the memories
the joy
the heartbreak
this city has imprinted its signature into all of our hearts
this city has stamped itself onto you and now you don't want it to fade away
this city is your home.
filled with so much love
and so much hate, too
but isn't that life?

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box in the attic
filled with long forgotten dreams
and memories
the box is bursting with wishes and magic
open it
remember those times
remember that old skin that you shed
remember.

why?
I just don't get it!
why is there this brick wall keeping me from imagining?
when did it even appear?
come on...think...think...think!
there must be something to write about!
there must be!
but whenever I try to write something...the words just don't click.
they don't connect.
it just isn't...
right...

magic 8-ball
round and dusty
what will you tell me today?




oh? i guess not then.

Remember
those barbie dolls of us I put in that box?
with curse words on them written in sharpie?
Remember
when we watched inappropriate stuff to be badass?
and thought it was cool?
Remember
that time when you finally pulled the plug with Cole?
then cried for days?
Remember all those memories?
Those times we spent crying together and laughing and wasting our lives away?
But it was so much fun.

like yin and yang
we are completely different
but one in the same

the tears well up
your heart surges with pain
the thoughts race through your head
and the urge to scream is there, churning
like a fire just ignited
sparks come from the fire, burning up your face
the flames lick the edge of your heart, threatening to burn more than just a few precious things
but you realize that its been burning for ages
you just haven't realized it
and your skin is black like charcoal
and your eyes are bloodshot from tears
and your screaming but your screams have melted away like wax
and you sit there, waiting
for the embers to die out

You are the most annoying dog I've ever seen
You whine and beg to be put on our laps but when we do
You whine and beg to be put down
You get car sick whenever we drive you around
You have an ugly high pitched bark

You aren't even that cute

But when you were on the verge of death
We felt bad for you
And that, my friend, is why you still exist in my life.

Rows of pastel houses lining the springy green grass
Green
Blue
Yellow
The soft sound of wind chimes is heard in the distance
Ring-a-ling
Ring-a-ding
Her long brown hair is swept up in the gentle breeze like waves looking up at an everlasting sunset

take it in.
the sunset that seems to be so close yet so far.
the dark outline of the familiar lighthouse.
and the ocean waves.
the beautiful, blue waves.
gently lapping over another wave.
but i can only stay for a bit.
i have places to be.