The rain falling from a tree lands with a weight
It is comfort, the outside world reminding me it's real
There is more than the airless, dry aired, stuffy rooms of school
There is a whole world to explore.
If I ran into the middle of the moor, and closed my eyes
Breathless
The roar of traffic could almost be the sea
Northern, icy, blue-green-grey.
In my kind it tickles the priory on a stormy night.
I wonder what it would be like to be somewhere hot
Where warm, humid air and bright light was outside
And icy cold white expanse was in.
Those grey clouds are more than the grey tinge of copy paper.
The black of tarmac is more than board pen
The spiny trees are real, no words come from their branches
All are familiar, and yet outside provides comfort.
Inspiration.

You're kicked to the dirt so you pick yourself up,
You're given ***** water so you get a fresh cup.
You're always put down so you grin and smile.
You're bullied for your clothes so you change your style.

Then every so often they start being nice,
To hide from their friends their heart of ice.
You think they might keep up the pretense,
Until they cross back over the fence.

Then one day, you just snap,
You can't take it anymore so you start to fight back.
You want your identity, not to be hidden,
To show how you feel, not to be forbidden.

You can never be free from thought,
Your memories can not be fought,
but you can choose to move forwards or not,
So you can be happy and let them rot.

Don't let yourself be kicked to the dirt,
Don't accept ***** water; it will only hurt.
Tell somebody if you feel put down,
And keep your style even if they frown.

Put your troubles into something else.
Don't use that razor blade again.
Or the blunt scalpel you keep.
Or even that bent kitchen knife.

Put your troubles  into something else.
Leave the eyeliner on the shelf.
Leave the rubbers in the box.
Leave the earrings on the stand.

Put your troubles into something else.
How about the doodles you draw.
Or the stories that flow from your pen.
Even the paintings done at dawn.

Put your troubles into something else.
Maybe, even, me. I won't look at them.
I will gently untangle every one.
Trim them until they are all gone.

Put your troubles into something else.
Not a sealed chest.
Not a closed box.
Not a corked bottle.

Put your troubles into something else.
Let your mind be free.
Let your heart be free.
Let me be free.

When I run I am free
Sport is synonymous with me
I don't care which game
Not one is lame
I am proud to play and to be

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

The murmur of the TV next door
The giggling drunk students outside
The itching of the family dog
The creaking of the same floorboards

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

The shuffling of my sister on the bunk below
The familiarity of her rythmic breathing
The wind rolling plantpots around
The rain breaking on the window

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

I'm still waiting for you to kiss me
With those crimson lips so smooth.
And I'm still waiting for us to be alone
When the pain in your bright eyes can be soothed.

I'm still waiting for you to get help
For the carmine rivers that you trace.
And I'm still waiting for a reason why
You broke the promise you put in place.

I'm still waiting for my head to stop spinning
The rose hairclip means I see you down the hall.
And I'm still waiting to tell when my stomach flips
If it's good or not at all.

I'm still waiting for my logic to return
But love gives an alazarin tint to every drama.
And I'm still waiting for a chance to talk to you
But I seem to have bad karma.

I'm still waiting for that hug you owe me
My ruby hair shoelace flopping in my eyes
And I'm still waiting to be the tall one of the pair
As I try to move on, part of me dies.

I'm still waiting for that movie date we planned
And the ketchup coloured earring you wear in the left ear
And I'm still waiting to dance and twirl you round
In my arms I could hold you near.

I'm still waiting for when you blush
Vermillion as insults are thrown across the street
And I'm still waiting for the chance to set that right
Remmembering you defending me in the stifling heat.

I'm still waiting for the time to tell you
How much you're in my thoughts
And I'm still waiting for your birthday so I can gift
The cadmium sketchbook that I bought

I'm still waiting for the coral pain to stop in my heart
It's there for you, of that I have no doubt
And I'm still waiting for the laughter to return
To my life when we sort this out

I'm still waiting for the trip to the coast
The bergundy viking boat alight
And I'm still waiting for what will never be
But then again, it might.

As I sit on my bed
Hear the TV next door
Blaring some survival **** from the nineties

As the light begins to fade
I begin to squint
At the patches I'm sewing on an old shirt

As I look forward to the weekend
Plan what to do
As Sunday is the day that I'll have with you

As music swirls in my head
Tiredness setting in
After two weeks of exams without any breaks

All I can think of is you.

When I wake, when I work,
When I sleep, when I shirk,
Always putting on an act
Nobody can see the facts

On occasion, more now than then,
I pick up pencil, pick up pen,
And try to drop the cloak of bliss,
And enter into the abyss.

To open up, to feel my pain,
To feel my loss, to feel my gain.
I think of all the ones I knew,
Alive and dead, non- human too.

Some did choose to leave my life,
To bide their time and twist the knife,
I could think of them at any hour,
But only fear and grief would flower.

Some of them aim to patronize,
And so a plan they do devise,
To draw you in with gifts and treats,
They do you harm, then this trick they repeat.

But they see through half-blind eyes!
I am not clueless! I see their guise!
When this trick it does not work,
They seem insane, they go berserk.

I put on a brave face by day,
To hide the fact I'm feeling grey.
All washed out, not even blue,
My facade is fragile, but it will do.

If I ever am repaired,
If for a moment someone cared,
Then I will be back, this time fighting,
Fists for punching, teeth for biting.

My cloak of bliss, cover me up,
Horse of happiness, you are to gallop.
If my cloak should not exist,
Then peace shall be of what I consist.

When I wake, when I work,
When I sleep, when I shirk,
Always putting on an act
Nobody can see the facts

Lassie, sweetheart, love
That's not my name
Calling loudly, feel like I'm dying
Embarrassed, school skirt flying

Pet, darlin', hottie
That's not my name
Followed up the street, feeling scared
Don't know how to get help, if I dared

*****, ****, ****
That's not my name
Cop a feel when you go by, want to be sick
I'd never see you again, if only I could pick

Girl, gorgeous, lovely
That's not my name
Mind blanks on procedure, sheer panic as you come
Pushed up to a wall, you grab my ***

Beautiful, star, babe
That's not my name
I cried when you came home with me
After dinner, you claimed your fee

There's nothing quite like
The s
         i
          n
             k
               i
                n
                   g
Feeling that you get
When you know you are second best
And there's nothing you can do to escape
But work.
Even harder in attempt to change it
But nothing will change.
And you put on your make up and
And the awful outfit that your mum bought you
Because maybe then
She'll say 'you look nice'.
From the kitchen you hear complaint.
Because doing the dishes at 7.30 am isn't a nice treat for her.
Because one cup gets put on the wrong shelf.
Oops.
Suddenly there's no point.
And as you s
                        i
                          n
         ­                    k
In your heart,
Suddenly you don't feel like going out.
You wipe off the makeup
The outfit becomes your comfy hoodie and jeans
There's no point because your on a
S
  I
   N
      K
         I
          N
             G
ship to nowhere

When they say its like a circle
And you're spinning in my head,
You're sitting on a roundabout
Painted pillarbox red.

It spins so fast and just keeps going
Until you are a blur,
Your beauty still distinctive
You make quite a stir.

On that day, when I moved no more,
The sunset carried me through heavens door.
I never thought that heaven was real,
Now I knew what sunsets concealed

As the sun goes down, the sky comes alive
Bathed in light, everything thrives.
Animals are heading home, petals close, lights come on,
As the sun sets, all golden light, for owls and bats, the hunt is on.

Sunsets, I died so I could see once more,
That golden gate, heavens door.
Upon my tombstone all I wish,
A sunset served up on a dish.

To describe love with a star is overused.
But to describe you- it's perfect.
Burnig brightly, far away from everyone else.
Your timing is unpredictable, but the event is for sure.
You support life- my life.
And when you begin to deflate, you rise again (made of heavier stuff)
Until you reach lead, pumping through your veins.

After the biggest explosion you are so beautiful.
Only your core remains for those who survived to see.
And if you pull in too quickly, you make a black hole, devouring yourself.

I imagine on the other side of the black hole to be a new world, inside your head.
I'm floating through space and I don't know where
So I wonder if I am there?

I almost asked a thousand times
How are you?
What are you up to?
Do anything right now?
But once is enough.

I almost poured my soul out to you
Can we talk?
Will you help me?
What should I do?
But I don't want to put you off.

I almost did it just there without asking
Kissed you.
Hugged you.
Whispered in your ear.
But I was too scared of rejection.

I almost

I almost asked a thousand times
How are you?
What are you up to?
Do anything right now?
But once is enough.

I almost poured my soul out to you
Can we talk?
Will you help me?
What should I do?
But I don't want to put you off.

I almost did it just there without asking
Kissed you.
Hugged you.
Whispered in your ear.
But I was too scared of rejection.

I almost solved the whole thing by text
Will you go out with me?
Is that a date?
Shall we give us a go?
But I like talking face to face.

When the almost girl worked up the courage was the day
The loved one wasn't were they should be.
I guess there's always tomorrow...

Before it happened I was excited.
It was daring.
I could impress you like you impressed me.
Show you I was caring.

Before it happened I knew it wasn't going to work.
It was a nightmare.
We sat on the red plastic seats like at school.
People around us glanced and began to stare.

As it happened I only took six steps.
And then we were seen.
We went through the grey door, the evidence.
On the computer screen.

As it happened I told you I loved you.
You had noticed.
You hugged me with a tear in your eye
At that moment we felt the closest.

After it happened we walked out togeher, your arm around me.
Mine around your waist.
You claimed it was only you to blame as we were there.
Being encased.

After it happened you joked about always wanting to be here.
Just not on this side.
I hugged you tight and didn't want to let go.
And I cried inside.

Now its over I feel so ashamed.
I could've said no.
You would have thought no less of me.
Had i done so.

Now its over I lie here in my bed worrying that you'll look for.
The razors I hid.
Please don't. Talk to me and let me help you get through.
What we did.

As the lone tear falls down my cheek
My barricade crumbles.
The dam bursts, first a trickle, then a flood
All the sadness rushes out
As the mask protecting me buckles,
Crumbles under the strain.

When someone dies you hide the grief,
Store it until the right moment.
Wait for the funeral service.

An empty bank of words in my head now.
Everything there but nothing visible,
Like a bad filing system with no order.
You cant find what you want
Express it all wrong.

That is what has happened here,
But it has to be expressed or I will explode

How?
Your best friend's secret
They share, and you cry inside.
You can't repeat it back,
You can't say that
Was what you wanted to say.
Can't diminish their feelings
Or think you were joking,
To make them feel ok. The kind
Of joke which isn't funny, just
Discounts their secret completely.

The secret you both share,
But you are alone. They have you,
You have nobody to turn to.
You lied to them before,
But not again.
Truth will out, but where and how?
Missed your chance to explain,
Waiting is agony.

the utter hatred i felt in that moment how angry i was that she could bear to hurt someone else and not feel at all bad she thought that if you hurt someone they would still cone running back and i did i shouldnt have but i did because i had a sense of honour of duty to my family how stupid i was to think that i cared about someone who would happily see me die just to claim my belongings i thought she cared about me as i care about her but no she only pretends she does and as soon as mum has gone out she goes back to her true self just waiting to hurt me using any insult she knows will **** me a little bit inside my only sister supposedly a person to rely on a person to help me when i need it but no she just kept kicking me down until i could not get back up because i felt like everyone would do the same but no one saw her for who she was they only saw her outside the mask she put on to cover up what she was really like and to think i would have died to save her i still would because she is the favourite despite what anyone says she always will be the favourite because in their eyes she cant make a mistake in their eyes she is a goddess to be worshipped and if she says i deserve to die they will sen the assassin themselves not waiting to hear what i have to say i just want the quiet like the wind in the trees and the rain on a window pane all by myself but with friends nearby so my head cam explode in silence and i can feel peace without having to worship the goddess and feel sorry for her nonexistent injury and pretend she is kind or that she cares if i live or die and she is meant to love me and i her but just *** shes my sister it doesnt mean that we love each other i do deep down but it is hidden by the anger at the way she treats me and thinks pretending to be upset will gain her sympathy but i see through it even if mum doesnt and leaves me to grieve alone crying myself to sleep nobody knows i stay quiet so she doesnt hear me so i  don't wake her even though i shouldnt care but i still try to be kind and i say sorry when i get it wrong but no the goddess is too good for acknowledging injury to others either physical or mental she just doesnt care how anyone else feels how can she be so selfish or not be aware of the daggers she drives into me when she talks i can feel them stabbing into my heart leaving open wounds that will not heal just stay there until my whole heart is red raw and bleeding i must find a passion but what is there but a void of silence drown out the silence watch the snakes drown and cry as she disappears the snakes are all that is left medusa the gorgon once beautiful and clever but no longer the silence of the snakes has taken the beauty there is only cruel perfection perfection of the cruelest kind the silence hurts but the words hurt more the words hurt more

I tried not  to build the wall up
It just kinda happened
The way a chick suddenly realises
It's stuck in an egg.

I tried not to love you
Convince myself it was just friendship
That I craved
So deeply it hurt.

I tried to pretend it didn't hurt me
To hear you talk of her
And then when you stopped
To see the oceans you cried.

I tried not to secretly
Cry every tear you shed
Tried not to drench my pillow
So that I could wring the water from it.

I tried to be a good child so that
I would go unnoticed, uncriticised
I tried to shield my sister from the anger
That spread through the house

I tried to pretend I liked it,
Sitting alone at every break.
I tried to pretend that I wasn't an
Empty shell.

And to all those of you who out there
Live life trying- forget it.
You can try, but the try will fail
Crumble down when you think it worked.

The wall will be built
The tears noticed
So will you be.
They won't be protected
You will just get depressed
Your shell will be cracked
Like a fresh laid egg onto a concrete floor
From ten storeys up.

I used to think in blue and red,
Right or wrong, alive or dead.
Purple was just not there
Because you either did or didn't care.

But when you fall in love you see
The other colours, pink and green.
Then there's yellow, orange too
The world's a thousand different hues.

Yesterday I wrote of my best friend and I,
She is Peter the rock and I doubting Tom.
Now I begin to wonder if that is not quite such a metaphor,
For my heart hears doubt nearby- like a fuse heard by a bomb.

When I told my love that she was so,
She responded in kind.
But then something happened,
And doubt creeps into my mind.

On Saturday we did something stupid,
And she got grounded 'for a while'
But Facebook shows me photos of you out in town
And I want to run a mile

If I bury my head in the sand,
Maybe I'll forget what I saw.
Perhaps I'm making a huge deal of nothing,
Should I say no more?

I can't confront.

Chicken.

The doubt can dissolve my heart forever,
But at least it's better
                                      than no more you.

You think you've got me tied to the ground
But darling- I'm free
I'm soaring, floating, flying far above
The land and  stormy sea

Past the clouds so grey and dull
Past dusk light atmosphere.
Oh dear sweet father of mine
I'm out the atmosphere.

You think that I'm tied down here,
Not allowed to leave the town.
But ******* *** you don't have a clue
That is the neighbour's kid that you tied down.

You couldn't tell the difference
*** you were so ******* high
That smell is all I know of you
And so my dear, goodbye.

No more crushed emotions
No more of that abuse
*** dear I am so strong now
That I'm no longer of use.

I'm the first in a line of sixty
Waiting to punch you in the face
But they might be dissapointed when after me
Your left in a neck brace.

You paid for karate lessons
Perhaps it was a mistake
Because I know more than you ever thought
And would **** you and leave no trace

The only problem with my  plan is that I won't break the law
But your killing yourself quite quick
And if thats what T-total looks like
Then I'll be an alcoholic I think

When you stood in line
Clicked your heels and marched
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you ate your spongy bread
Drank coffee made from mud
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you stood there for days
Gangrene setting in
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you finally got the order
Nervous whispers all around
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you leapt over the barrier running like hell
Surrounded by friends dying
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you hit the floor to avoid a bomb
And held your breath as you lay sinking in the bog
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you hurdled barbed wire and corpses
Almost reaching the goal before being shot in the shoulder
Did you ever think that this would happen

When youre in your chair and the trauma returns
As you watch your grandson play soldiers
Did you ever think that this would happen
That it would be so bad?

Soon our love will be over
Soon our love will end
There'll be laughing and kissing and making love
And giggling and playing until the shove

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

We keep going like we're the same
Pretending that we haven't changed
But we've grown up, and we've grown apart
You'll always have a place in my heart

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

Childhood crush became a summer fling
That turned into a long term thing
But we aren't kids with innocent smiles
I see the world when I look in you eyes

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

There's blankness in my eyes and pain in yours
I can't remember anymore
You can't forget, and it's eating you whole
These two kids are now two damaged souls

She was risky, she made me feel exhilarated
He paid me attention, I felt liked
He liked me for my weirdness, when I got overexcited
He made me feel safe. In his arms the world could not reach me

She made me feel all these things and more.
She smiles, my breath quickens.
She remembers what I like, I know I am interesting.
We get excited together, laughing and jumping and clapping, wide-eyed.

When I hold her in my arms, I know she is safe and I am too, both saviour and saved.
I hold her hand and never want to let go- the silent confidence makes me beam from ear to ear.
"I've got you" It says, "and you've got me."

Those flowers you sent me were beautiful
Until I touched them.
Now they are black roses, rotting daffodils.

You said I had the Midas touch,
But this curse is even worse.
Now i dare not hold you
Lest you end up in a hearse.

As I stand, sit, stand
Tears stream out of my eyes
Who are you?
Surrounded by love for you
I cry
Not for the stranger the lies behind the curtain
A corpse
But for those I love.
I love. Those who loved you.
Black surrounds me
Subdued colours
Black rustle, slink, stretch
Your picture stares out at us all as we sit
Stand,sit
Listen to a song I've never heard before
You loved it, its happy
I don't think you would have liked to see this
The crying. Grief surrounding your remains
I brought some flowers to put
On the plot where your ashes will be
But you didn't want anything
They are burnt alongside you
The memories aren't burnt. They remain
Brighter than before. Calendars and
Jumpers. Always too small but I wore them anyway.
I didn't know you, but
I miss you.

Oops. I promised myself not to think of you again
Its not a love triangle. We have a love chain.
I love you
But what can I do?
You love Alice
She knows, but you miss the malice
She loves Bunny
******* ******* biker sweet as honey
We all know about the White Rabbit
And the ***** with her heart breaking habit
But I say nothing to you, so you don't know
Of my heartache. I'm just a chicken with my shoelace bow.
The flower crown you begin for her lies gathering dust
In hope. To save our friendship- I think I must,
I stay silent, what happens if I'm not?
I can't escape you in my head because you're there a lot.
My palm tree has guessed I think
She is a out to speak- on the brink.
Mixed messages. AC electricity.
Like a spell you have an intoxicity
A Spine in the way
but he won't stay
I'm ****** if you see this though
Not literally but I wish it were so
When you know what I feel
I will risk a friendship- so real
I think of you like TNT
I could explode us or set you alight you see
But time is running out for us
To get our tickets for the sweetheart bus
Yes or No runs around in my head
What would you say- will I be dead?
Too shy to ask when it might be OK
Even if it's a no our friendship could stay.

I don't know what to do
With you

You think its important, until its your turn,
Until they want you, the witch can burn.
Its not your problem, why should you care?
Their privacy gone, their life laid out bare.
But when it comes to you, your life,
You wish it was different, not you under the knife.
Under the light, for all to see,
Its wrong if its you, as wrong as can be.
Why are you different, why should you be hidden?
when scrutiny comes, you go if you're bidden.
Nobody's different, poor or rich,
Eventually everybody's in the ditch.
You hide at the edge, ready to flee,
You think, 'its wrong!', it can't be me!
The hole gets bigger, comes nearer,
the reflection in the mirror gets clearer.
The sun gets hidden, the darkness comes out,
The angels are lost, the devils come out.
You think its important, until its your turn,
Until they want you, the witch can burn.