Concealed depression is
Buying water proof mascara
So you won't have to reapply makeup
after each daily breakdown.

Concealed depression is
Laughing at everything
so they won't question
why your eyes always water.

Concealed depression is
staying up until 4 a.m
because it's the only time
you can ignore the world
and no one will notice.

...Or concealed depression is
taking three melatonins
in hopes you'll sleep deep
enough to keep the terrors at bay.

Concealed depression is
Staying consistently busy
So your mind will be too exhausted
at the end of the day to fight you.

Concealed depression is
the impatient selfish monster
that burns bridges as you cross them.

Concealed depression is
feeding yourself lies like
"I'm fine" or "I won't cry".

Concealed depression is
the uphill battle that you don't get to win once;
it's a mountain you're forced to climb every single day.

Concealed depression is
silently screaming, hoping someone
will have super sonic hearing,
swoop in like a bat,
and carry you under their wings.

Concealed depression is
never hugging too tightly
or meeting a gaze too intensely
in case your guts may slip
out before you can catch them.

So when they accuse you of changing,
when they accuse you of rage and indifference,
of violence and apathy,
when they ask why you never called,
when they ask why you never told them,
all you can say is that concealed depression
is like an overbooked hotel and there's only room for one.
All you can say is that you were afraid
Your darkness would drown them too
and then there would be no one left to save you.

Rain swept away our pain
From the empty nights filled with
Cold stares and cold stares.
The storm blew through
Tearing to shreds all that we regret
Leaving only the foundation

The skies teardrops
intermingled with ours
as our eyes smiled again.
On the swing, God sprinkled
us with evening dew
and "I love you".

We sprinted as it poured
and the bell chimes echoed
through the foggy air.
I saw us  run out church doors
I saw us hold a little hand in our arms
I saw us breath with finality.

As the water dripped down our spines,
magic emanated from our bones,
flowing out of our souls,
And darling, it was beautiful.

I don't know how one compliment
On my haircut could possibly
Ignite an entire firework show
Under my skin,
But that's just what you did.

I don't know why
All it took was your silhouette
As I sat silently in the back
Entirely deterring from Larry's sermon,
But it simply did.

I can't comprehend
How your complete dorkiness
Could decisively alter
My future in matter of a minutes,
And yet it did.

Though not even a glimmer
Of you and me is a possibility
A girl can and will
Dream within the pages of poetry
Of a kiss that lingers with locked fingertips
Of watery eyes spilling out from the hushed passion
Stirred by the inconspicuous beauty you so clearly see
Within every confine of me.

Let my fantasies unfurl in a world
Where hope runs rampage
And love forever thrives.

We're drawn to each other like snakes
feeding the other with a need to love
and be loved.
Chemistry unbearable, we hold fast to the fire
that rages inside of us
because it voices our love
better than words from our tongues.
There's no science
to being opposite.

Wake me to your heart beat
Pressed against my cheek
As your heavy breathing
Rustles my hair.
I'll kiss you awake with the taste
Of pure, simple contentment:
This is our happiness.

Fill me with the aroma
Of you as you hold me
And tell me to never let go.
How could I leave
What I know to be
The only thing beyond Heaven
That breathes truth?

Love me with the kind
That rattles my bones.
Kiss me with the lips
That pour water like wine
Into my soul.
Be my constant in the chaos
Be my anchor in the tempest.

Weld us together, God
Wouldn't tamper with fate
For the moon and the stars
Bless the air we share
With sweet glows of
The sun to stroke us
Into the new dawn.

Steal me in one fell swoop,
I'll never run back;
You,
My dear, are home.

I've never loved you more than when you were hers.
When the tide swept in to steal my best friend
When the frost bit deep in my core
While you made love to a *****.
I never wanted to loose you
But you couldn't beg me to stay

So I rode the fence
Held you at arms length
But all the money in the world
Couldn't keep you away
Till the mirror on the wall
Told you who was the fairest of all
And it wasn't me.

I AM the wind
That blows through your hair.
I AM the eagle
That soars through the air.
I AM the sun
That radiates your skin.
I AM the light
That fills all men.

Where you cannot see me,
Where you cannot feel me,
I AM there.

I don't know
How to say
That I'm okay with tearing down these fences
And letting you
Stroll on through

Because bit by bit,
As you kiss my neck,
In my half-asleep stupor
I hear you whisper
"My sleeping beauty"
And I start to forget the mirror's lies.

As you gaze into my wide eyes,
Turn the radio down
And say it clear as the starry night,
"I love you."
I think there's something
In me you might see.

Though we're polar opposites,
(You speak your mind
While I think 2 or 3 times.
You devour steak
While I glower with hate),
Our witty arguments
Can't wipe my cheesy grin.

So clear my head
Because I can't forget
How your warm arms feel
Wrapped around my waist
And just how great
Your sweet kisses taste.

Sit here in my place
When the top's down on a cloudless day
You're singing above the bass,
The brightness showers your face
Lie here in my place,
While your deep stare
Steals my breath away.

With you,
Is a good way to begin again:
Fenceless.

You are the sunless sky,
The moonless night
I can't survive
Though I've tried to stray
Your hatred hovers above my head
Like a cloudy day I can't repress.

You're the tattoo etched on my soul
The tattoo that moans and groans
Aching to forget
The sunless sky who stole its ever burning light
That coldest night
Where our breaths entwined
For infinite moment in time
And though the moon never glowed
Our eyes shine in the starlight
We created with our toxic dreams
Of what never was and never will be.

We don't touch
For the risk of it being too much
We don't feel
For the risk of falling in love
We don't admit
For risk of looking stupid

We hold defense
Against all emotions
We guards our hearts
Against any devotion
We cover our tracks
Against our past notions

And yet despite all sense,
Us, shattered, and tattered
Worn away by the senseless wind and ceaseless rain
Unexplainably,
If only temporarily,
Fit.

Our first date, you stepped outside
The fortune cookie slipped
And cracked on the concrete,
The start of what it had foreseen:
"Your one joy
Shattered into hundreds of sorrows"
The start of empty wishes and bleak tomorrows.

But you & me
Could be so much more than what a cookie sees.

So let's slip ever so gracefully
Into the other's bruised but open arms,

Let's let our dreams rise above
Preconceived notions of love
Let's let our minds forget
The ghosts before we met
Let's trek our own new lands
Nothing's binding our plans
For everything's written in the sand.

We both have different broken bits;
You've got a past you'd rather forget
I've got one I fear to relive.

Even still,
I remember the day
Your eyes shined
As the sun dipped below the sky
I waited for your smile to greet mine.
I thought of your blue-green eyes
In contrast with that stark winter night;
Only today that charming gaze
Kissed me in the March rain.

As you pull away from my driveway
And the distance holds persistence,
I can feel your warm hands
Pressed gently on my cheek,
I can hear your chuckles
As you tickle my feet,
I can see your dimpled grin
From the movie Theatre seat.

I think we're slipping ever so gracefully
Into the others bruised but open arms,
Letting our dreams rise above
Preconceived notions of love
Letting our minds forget
The ghosts before we met
Trekking our own new lands
With the time built in our hands
For everything's written in the sand.

It's too late
They said as her petite frame
Spiraled then plummeted into the sea.
She's already ascended like a dove,
They felt no need to hesitate
At proclaiming the unfortunate's fate.

Always quick to hate
What they cannot annotate
Yet so eager to love
The greatest of us
Reborn from our ashes.

She took the leap
Not to cease
But to breathe -
Through airborne lungs
To see-
The greatest moments ignite
To fuse-
With an infinite moment in time
In one fleeting hope:
After the waves
Drew her lifeless limbs away,
After she slept
On the ocean bed,
Her words might eminently thrive
Though no one heard while her lips held life,
Their once-deaf ears would at last listen
To a phantom's composition.

I couldn't take one second more
Of your four letter words
Directed to every single person I love.
I couldn't take your confessions of regret
For not already leaving my father in the dust.
All else I could handle:
The regrets of my existence
(I did provoke it)
The mistake-infested upbringing of my sister
(I can admit it)
I could bear all else but the split
Of a sacred promise
Between one man and one woman.

So it didn't take much to slam the door your in face.
It didn't take much to run in the pouring rain.
It didn't hurt much to press bare feet on solid ground.
Because any real pain I felt, I was sprinting away from.

The skies' tears mingled with mine
No clear difference to the cars passing by.

For first time in my little life,
The stars simultaneously align;
Crashing before they combine.
With every yard I push further away from you,
Unraveling the truth-
I still love you.
Even as I slide down against the oak's trunk,
To fall in a puddle of mud,
Even as all those lies we used so cleverly as knives
Press against the darkness that invades my heart-
I still love you.
Even as the abyss unfolds in my stomach,
And fury whirls inside my mind-
I still love you.

As the familiar hum of an engine grows near,
Hurriedly a car door opens before me,
And a hug wraps itself around my limp frame,
I uncover that-
*You still love me too.

Coffee at midnight on a Saturday
Just to feel alive
Tear stains on every journal page
To stir the beast inside
Slit wrists and wool sweaters
To conceal the pain
Sound cancelling headphones
To absorb the screams of other lost souls
And block those coming from the next room.

~

The shatter of another glass
The slump of another body
The slam of another door
The silence of a mangled home
That once was filled happiness
Now overwhelmed by emptiness
Though life forms still remain
There lies nothing but dust and decay.

~

"It's a sign,"
They whisper as she shuffles by
"It's a sign,"
Before long, you'll see her in the headlines
As the girl who never lived
But formally died today;
Defeated by lost love and bitter hate.

Which is worse?
The permanent wonderment
With what could've unfolded
Or the brokenness of what was
For a flash of an instant?

I wanted those lanky limbs of yours
Wrapped around my heart
And they almost were-
In the silence you cupped my face
With solemnity and questions in your dark eyes
I almost let that inquisition tip of over
Unto my lips
Before reason washed over,
Calming my goosebumps
Pushing away the rashness of our meeting
With hesitancy, your answer eased its way out-
"Not yet."

Not ever, so it seems.
Because the third grade boy, left on the playground
Only grew taller.
Not braver.
He still can't leap
Without the fear of falling,
Controlling.

But dear little boy,
Not all falling
Hurts.
And sometimes
It's worth
The pain.

This is the dangerous part-
When the dark shadows withdraw
To the deepest recesses of my mind
And I forget why I bid "adieu"
To you.

This is when the bruises
Fade.
The blood stains
Wash away.
The heart ache
Delays.

And the mirage begins.
The paradise pressed against my parchment skin
And dehydrated lips-
So tantalizingly sweet
So pure and pristine
As it slips down my callused throat
Though they say
arsenic tastes the same.

She told me you worked at space camp now.
That must be fun, right?
I can see you sprinting through
In a bright blue flight suit
A kid attached to every ligament
You breathless, with an enormous grin.
You'd mention being overweight
And I would hit you playfully across the arm
Deny it like Peter denied Christ
Three times.

She told me you met a new girl.
Showed me a picture too.
She has dainty red curls.
I guess you meant it;
You do have a thing for red heads.

They say you met her at the Lego station
In Books A Million.
I can envision you stumbling upon her
Smashing a Death Star into an Ebon Hawk
And you would admirably gawk
At this childlike beauty.
Next thing you know
You would be prancing away
With a little piece of paper in your pocket
And a confident smirk on your face.

~

A sixteen year old girl can only conceive
Ideological fantasies
But a nineteen year old boy kept them company
Beneath the pillow of her dreams.

Though the first to stir from Make-Believe
Is cursed as the first one to leave.

Even as a child
I stared desperately at the darkened ceiling
Their snores and sighs my only lullabies.
And I would witness the misty dew
Clear the horizon at the gale's morning song.

I covered my tracks as I left
Yet I swear I heard your heart wrench
In your stupor.

~

The cursor blinks incessantly
On the blank page of a perfectionist
The only words satisfying
Are born not from my lips
But of an Irish mother-
Or perhaps a lover-
Long ago:

*May the road rise up to lead you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God keep you in the palm of His hand.

Lips dangling right above yours
Your hot breath sparking against my skin
Again and again
The hum drum of your greedy hands
At the sharp end of my pelvis
Pressing
Transferring jolts through the core of my body

Your whispers beg for more moans
Groans left to disguise the inner gears
Creaking, screaming against the friction
Turning
Endlessly
Unwillingly
Just enough
Till you closes your eyes

This is
Your nobility
This is
Your felicity
and my captivity

Your chance to shine
Against the ripples of my bare skin
Your chance for fingertips
To dance across my ****

My favorite part
Is hiding in the blankets
Safe from your touch
My favorite part
is clutching the wall
Reaching the temporary end
Knowing there will only be
Another day to begin
When lights darken.

The news which rolls nonchalantly off her tongue
Doesn't send a jolt of hatred through my veins.
Nor are those tears which
Incessantly sting my eyes
Because this is no surprise.

So what if he had another warm body
Pressed against his chest
Towards the end?
I was cringing at his touch by then.

He knew my every motion so
He must have known his charming love wouldn't have a fairytale farewell.

But really?
With her?

The one he so adamantly claimed to hate,
Day after day to the point of revulsion?
He tasted those lips which spewed nothing but cruelty in his general direction.

But we accept the love we think we deserve.
So he really must gag at his morning reflection
If she is his final decision.

Well here it is sweetie:
May your visit down under
Be ever so warm and inviting;
I've heard the devil's daughter
Throws one hell of a party.

That second that slithers in
Beckoning forbidden fancies
As your lifeless figures lies in shadows
That eat at your lonesome soul

While he frolics among his virtuous games
Uninformed of the stains and bruises
You so carefully conceal beneath
Petty giggles and witty banter

This is what you so desired
What you long lost
When the others ripped your innocence
Limb by limb-
The purity which glimmers so brilliantly
In his golden eyes

That sincerity so eagerly falls at your feet
Yet your calloused hands reach
For the one who knew the girl
Before her brittle bones
Aches with sores and colds

The one who not only knows the history
But watched it unfold familiarly

How many times
Have you driven by
A cross on the side of the road?
How many times
Have you wondered why
God had to take their life?
How many times
Have you thought of their stories?
Of who they left in mourning?

Have you ever wondered
Where they were going?
Have you ever wondered
What they thought of
In their last moment?
Were they lonely?
Were they loved?
Are they down below or up above?

Have you ever noticed?
Those flowers beside the cross?
Have you ever noticed
How many broken hopes and dreams
Are nestled in those leaves?
How many times
Has it ever crossed your mind-
That worn-out cross
And shriveling rose
Could be resting there for you.

You're beautiful, dear
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise
You're intelligent, honey
Don't let them get to you
You're important, love
Don't listen to their lies
They can't see
How much you take to heart
Their harsh remarks



Years from now
When their lives are left in decay
You'll outshine them all
Just you wait