what if i told you that
that there are parts of my life 
that move slower 
because you're not in them?

what if i told you that I'm broken and my brain refuses to function,
since you changed?

being broken by you is like reading a story to a deaf child
expecting a smile
or a laugh
or a round of applause
but all that is returned
is a dead stare.

it's like looking for the sunlight in the middle of the night.

it's like playing the piano to a deaf man
in hopes that he'll finally hear,
playing- until your fingers are broken
because all he did was fall asleep.

being broken by you feels like calling your father, who had abandoned you,
for the last time on your 18th,
hoping he'll answer your last call,
but all you heard was: "sorry this number is no longer in service"

it's like repeating your favourite song over and over and over again
because for some reason you're always missing your favourite line.

and i look for you in missed calls and new text messages.
look for you through doorways,
hoping you'll walk through them
saying you're sorry,
and I'd say "It's okay",
as I always did.

being broken is a mother,
telling her son who has turned to drugs and gun to come home,
and he'll look through the window,
but he never opens the door.

he finally does, with a gunshot wound in his chest.
and words rolling of his tongue;
"mommy, I'm sorry"

being broken is me telling you to come home,
indicating to you that I, am home,
but you keep running past the door.

But i pray to God,
that you'll get tired
and stop running
and come home.

it's almost 1am and I'm wide awake
thinking about how i could never get you to stay,
how i could never get you to understand that you're important in every way.
thinking how did things end up this way
knowing there's no "right" thing to say
knowing though i see you everyday
things will never be the same.

and I'll forever remember our last "proper" conversation,
where you cried because of me leaving.

and I'll never know if those tears were genuine,
if you felt something tug at your heart
or you just didn't want to seem bad.
because in that moment,
all i could think about is how much i miss you,
though you were right there

because at that moment,
all i could feel was you slipping away
though you were in my arms

because at that moment
i realised, things will probably never be the same,                                  
because whatever we are, i still remember the way we were.

and I'm sorry for whatever i had done or whatever I had not done

because all i really wanted was to show you that love is actually real

wanted to show you that someone can actually care for you

wanted to make you happy,

wanted you to feel something you had never felt before

and I'm not angry, neither am i upset.
I am just confused, sad and bitter,
wishing you'd come home
wishing you would say why.

just want you to know that i miss you,
and whenever you're ready,
even if it's never
there'll still be room for us.
(h.s)

If only you knew how much nights i spend awake

If only you knew how how much i gaze at your face

I cropped the only photo I have left of you

And i stare at it for hours

And i enlarge it just to feel your presence

It makes me feel as if you're right here, with me.

And oh that smile

Oh how it drives me wild.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you know there are days when i need you

Days when I'm not okay

Days when i need you to make my day

And you're just not there

My heart screams and calls and rants and raves but you don't hear

In fact you don't even care.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you knew that i reread the poems i wrote for you

From the days when my mind had wrapped its fingers around you

And would not even let go

And it really hurts to know you're not the same

It hurts to know those days are gone.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you knew that I've been having sleepless nights

If only you knew that every night there's a fight between my eyes and I

If only you knew that the times i go to sleep

Are getting less

Last week it was minutes past five

This week the hours have decreased a lot,

The latest was 1:55.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If you only knew how much I've written about you

You're special don't you think ?

During our days of bliss

I wrote 12 poems,

Some you didn't hear

And after, which is now

I've written the same or maybe more.

If you only knew that i not only write about you with pens and pencils

Or in word documents

But I've written about you with blades on my wrists

Even my eyes have stories to tell

And if you look closely you'll be able to decipher them.

My heart also has one to tell and if you listen carefully you will hear.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just about getting over you.

6 am i was there
telling you,
"have a good day at school today my dear."

and at 12 noon,
i would check up on you.

at 10pm
i'd send you off to bed
saying, "sleep tight, and don't worry your little head."

and some nights at three,
when the demons in your head won't flee
i'd tell you stories about me
until you fall asleep.


the amount of days since you left has been sixty-two
and i'm finally beginning to see
that i didn't lose you,
you lost me.

Hi,

You must be wondering why i began with hi
It's because that was the first thing i said to you..
When i met you for the first time..
'Hi' with a silly 'boy I'm crazy over you smile'
It's funny how i kinda wanted this relationship to end,
Because i didn't feel ready
Or because i didn't think i could satisfy your aching soul,
Or even because i thought you were moving too fast,
Cause i was on a little bicycle
While you were in a Ferrari going at maxima velocidad- full speed.     

Now, I'm having sleepless nights And millions of fights with my twisted telephone cord mind
It's as if my mind is not capable of sleeping,
Since the day you left...
It's making a million enquires..
'Was i that bad?'
'Were my demands too much?'
I know i wasn't able to satisfy your needs,
Cause you wanted nudes
And all i wanted was love..
I guess our interpretations of love were different..

I miss you
I miss you

My heart cries your name each night
I think its voice is getting hoarse.
Cause i can hardly hear it anymore
My heart misses you
I ****** miss you..
I miss telling you what to do
I miss you falling asleep each night
And i miss cursing you for it the following day..

I miss telling you my poems
And I miss you telling me how much you adore them
I miss you being mean to me
I miss your silly jokes
I miss you talking about our make belief future
And how you wanted 16 boys..

I miss your stubbornness
And i miss you telling me 'k' when you didn't like what i said, like fifty times each day..

And i don't know why you left,
I don't know
You just said 'goodbye ms swan',
Like i was nothing
And you just just left me hanging there like the sigh in my breath
After you repeatedly do something that i told you not to do again..
I guess I'm just good at letting nice things go

I wanted you to fix me
But i guess no human can keep me  together cause I've been broken since i was born..

And to my surprise
I've never cried since the day you
left
Not over you and not over anyone
Cause i think my eyes are tired and they knew what was coming..
Instead of teared filled pillows and swollen eyes,
I experience a swollen heart mind body and soul
And millions of headaches..
I experience sleepless nights, ****** tissues and swollen wrists
I experience depressing songs and teary eyes
Cause yes, the tears do come, but they just fill my eyes
And then they disappear
Just dries up..
I wish my feelings for you were like that
I wish they'd just vanish.
I'm not always like this you know
No
Some days I'm like 'yes I'm over him' but then some days I'm like 'i miss him so much'

And to be honest,
I'm not usually like this
I'm not usually heartbroken, no
In the past, I'd make you sit and wait at the door to my heart
I'd make you wait,
And you'd bang and bang and I'd never let you in
But this time was different
You stole the key
You took it
I guess i should say you earned it ?
Or
You deserved it ? ..

But it really chopped me like
a sword when you gracefully danced out of my life
And since then I've written what 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
10 poems ?

I guess having someone is really a win win situation for a writer,
When they're here and when you're all in love and happy you have inspiration
And when they're gone..
You still have inspiration..

Why does it hurt so much to let you go ?
I know one day i will and that day I will be the happiest person alive.

Maybe one day I'll find him
And when i do,
I'm sure as hell, that I won't hide him.
I swear I'll treat you like a king
Cause I'll be your queen
And we'll reign supreme.
I ain't perfect but I'll try to be
I'll give out all my love-
Enough for you and me.
So much love that we'll be swimming in it
We'll be dancing sleeping and drinking in it.
And then we'll get married and have babies,
And we'll treat them like little princes and princesses
We'll love them and we'll care no matter what.
I know we'll argue cause that's what couples do
But i won't last long..
Maybe just a minute or two..
And everyone would see us,
They'll look on
And our parents.. **** they'd be so proud.
And I pray that we'll last forever
And I'll love you like no other.
And you'll care for me so much and you'll know when something's wrong.
You'll know how to hug me and wipe my eyes when i cry
You'll know say you're sorry and mean it
And you'll see my scars and understand
And you'll look in my eyes and see
the pain
And through thus you'll love me just the same.
Oh dream boy..
Where are you ?

Am I really over you,
When I constantly wish to taste your lips once more
To cling onto you for a bit more,
To laugh at your jokes once more
And to gaze in your eyes for 3 more seconds, because that's the longest i could manage ?

Am I really over you,
When every poem since then has a bit of you,
When everything someone says & every little thing I come across reminds me of you ?

I think at 11:11 tonight, I'll wish for you.

It’s been approximately 4 weeks,
29 days ,
696 hours,
1002240 minutes
and 6013440 seconds
since you’ve left
And since then,
I’ve never met a boy like you.

Of all they boys I’ve met,
None of the speaks like you
None of them gives the jokes that you give
None of them says “You've got a million dollar smile”
And their eyes don’t say “It’s alright.”

It’s been It’s been approximately 4 weeks,
29 days ,
696 hours,
1002240 minutes
and 6013440 seconds
since you’ve left
And of the 4 boys I’ve met.
None of them,
None of them are like you.

It's sad when a boy hurts a girl so much
That she can't see herself living another,
And all she thinks about is him.
It's sad when she texts him, and there's no reply
Only to find out the next day,
He has moved on with his life.
It's sad when she clings onto her memories of them
And sits on the edges of what they had-
This so called "love".
It's sad when she sees his name or initials repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly..
It's truly sad when she waltzes with herself in the dark,
To the songs which were your favourite..

It is truly sad, because her life is centered around you now than ever.
It is truly sad.

Her wants are unlimited,
She feels lost in a world of her own.
She feels unwanted and unneeded.
She feels as if she has no purpose in life,
She wants to have fun to, she's a child,
She wants to be loved and to be treated just right.
As she beats against those prison walls ,
She senses a feeling of defeat.
She wants to see it all,
new places,
Watch the stars fall,
see new faces.
She wants a family, filled with love,
brothers and sisters ,
like the Father above.
She wants to be happy,
and to feel at home,
to laugh , to dance , to cry and sing
and not having to care about what others think.
She wants privacy, she wants a friend ,
one who will stick with her , through till the end.
She wants to help others, others like herself.
Last but not least,
She wants to be accepted.

it's a pity that we
ended so suddenly
& what we had wasn't how you desired for us to be
but I hope sooner or later you'll see
that neither is she.

are all friendships like this?
does one person suddenly get tired and not make an effort anymore?
does every friendship get strung out after a few years, and lose its bliss
when do we decide, to walk out the door?

why do our mouths become desert dry?
& when kind of friendship is built upon lies?

when did our laughs become fake smiles?
& our hellos, turn to goodbyes?

where did we lose our way?
& why can't we find friends that stay?
or why can't we be a friend that stays,
no matter what comes our way?

what if we can't resurrect what we had, my friend?
what if this is the end?

For the first few minutes i had considered this little 'argument' a big joke
And i laughed and laughed
Oh how it sweet it was.
But when you said "******* Hasina"
It pierced my heart
I think pierce is a bit too slight
I think it's a bit too little to depict how wrecked i felt
Instead it was like a storm
A blow to the face
A hurricane
Oh how you filled my heart with pain
Oh how i felt ashamed and disgraced
I don't think I'd be wrong if i said it left a hole in my soul
And it took the whole of my heart.

And i will take the blame
I shouldn't have said "*******" in the first place.
But what you said was different
You used my name.
My heart cried !
And my soul died !
And i could feel it leave me
I felt it walk away
It left me numb
Almost dead.
Is this good bye ?
Or is this give him another try ?

It doesn’t matter how hard I try,
I still see you.

No matter how hard I try
To scrub my thoughts free of you,
I still see you.

I still see you in the smiles of little kids,
Still see you in the anger of men
Still see you in the little things I do,
How I laugh at the mishaps of other and myself
And heartbreak,
To make the situation not that bad.
All I see is you.

But no matter what I do,
I can never see you coming back,
Maybe that’s why I keep looking behind my back
Looking around corners
And looking in between cracks
Maybe that’s why I still cling onto you
Maybe that’s why I still write about you,
Because I secretly hope you’ll come back.

No matter what I do, I still see you.

have you noticed that there's a r i g h t way to do things?
and that if you had done it any other way it would have been wrong?
have you noticed that certain things only match with certain things,
they fit just r i g h t?
and that's just how it is?
have you noticed there's a left and right on earphones,
and that the one designated for your left, doesn't fit good in the r i g h t?
have you also noticed that only your left hand fits the earphone in your left ear properly?
why is it that your left shoes only fits your left?
and your right shoes only fits your r i g h t?
why is it that your underwear can't be worn both front way and back way?
just as how your shirt can't be worn front way and back way?
why is it that the river flows to the sea,
and not the sea to the river?

don't you think i was made for you?
and you for me?
you see,
just as how the left glove fits perfect on the left hand and the right glove fits perfect on the r i g h t hand,
you were the r i g h t and perfect one for me and I for you.

Her mind is somewhat corrupted,
Maybe in need of desperate care,
When you see her staring into thin air,
She does not want to be interrupted
Especially when she’s thinking about you
Images of you,
Resurfaces in her mind
It’s like a machine,
Going back into time
Immediately her face lights up with a smile,
It makes her happy, even if it’s just for awhile
In her mind she imagines things
So ******, her heart, it rings
It’s like being stroked by you in the right places
So sensual, her bad mood it erases
She’s now as radiant as the sun
And in a split second, she’s likely to ***
If this imagination,
What if it was real?
Gratification,
Her heart, you would feel,
Racing like horses,
Through thousands of fields
Deep long sighs, it would make you yearn
Her body is Dorado,
Which you have to earn
You guys are not together
But I know that in stormy weather,
She can look to you to make it better,
Even think about you too,
When she’s lonely, sad and blue
Yes, she knows she can always count on you
And at the end she’d satisfied,
Knowing that it was worth the while
Hand in hand
Smile on both faces
Knowing that, that moment was amazing,
Until she suddenly hears her name
“Stop day dreaming!”
Someone would say.

You walk around as if the whole world should bow at your feet,
As if you’ve done them a big favour,
As if you were crucified for us all
You act as if you own the world,
like the whole world’s in your hands
and you just love toying with it.
Do you think you’re God?
Refusing what you don’t want
And taking what you feel you ‘must’ have
It’s like you’ve made friends with everyone,
But still, you hoist yourself
Upon the highest rung on the ladder
Making it clear that you’re still above them
And they should take your order.
Look at that innocent girl,
trembling by your sight\even the plants are troubled,
whenever you pass by.
Eradicate us if you please,
But I’ll watch you beg at Jesus’ feet,
when from his sight

he says you should leave.

Been looking on my arms
And i realized for the first time in months that my scars had been to fade..
It's been 4 months since I've taken up this blade.
I've been on top of the world between then and now..
And now..
I feel like I'm at the bottom, intertwined with the earth's crevices and it's so dark and scary,
oh God but I'm okay.
My lover's got me high off him for months and
I've forgotten what the real world was.
I'd forgotten how cold and dark the world was.
And now I'm here sitting sitting and waiting.
And i can hear the blade calling calling and calling..
Taunting at my soul.
And I'm just crying, crying because it's been months and i was on the verge of giving up..
And i gave in..
Oh how peaceful it felt..
Oh how i felt at ease. Oh how beautiful the blood flowed.
So freely from the veins of my soul. And i could hear it screaming "freedom freedom at last".
And the tears never stopped flowing from my eyes..
For I've lost another battle..


I've lost.

I’ve never really thought about what that “special day” really meant,
Never really thought of how it would feel,
To bed red with “love”,
Even love-making would be red.
All I ever really did was
Spin up images of the day, in the desert of my mind,
So inexperienced and innocent,
In need of some sort of fluid
To water its parched fields.
Lovers exchanging boxes of chocolate
Roses dug up from fresh earth,
Sent off in packages
Even little boys sent notes to their admirers
In third grade.
Old couples reminisce about how they met
Teenage Juliets sneak out when the moon’s at its peak,
To meet their Romeos
And watch clichéd movies,
About this “special day”
And end the night
In bed together
sharing chocolates.
Juliet’s heart’s racing ‘cause he said “I love you”.
How foolish..
You just met him two days ago,
He just wants a piece of you cake
If not, all...
Never really gotten the gist of this “Valentine’s Day”
Why show love one day, in a year of 365 days?
What’s so special about the 14th of February?
Why not treat him or her special 365 days?
Or
Why not treat him or her like crap 365 days?
Makes sense doesn’t it?

Now that we're done

And now that you've left

I've come to think

See and breathe more clearly now

You see i now realize that i was just drunk

Addicted and high.

I was under your influence

But it has now cone to an end.

I like how you overlook me like I’m a dwarf,
I like how you act as if we didn’t have a past.
I like your sly remarks
And how you’re ready to say you’re sorry rather fast.
I really like how you've dislodged me from your head
And how you ignore all the words we've said.
But you know,
I can bet you a thousand kisses,
That you wish I was dead
And a thousand more that you want me in your bed.
Oh how I wish that this could end
Oh how I wished that we were friends,
Oh how I wish that we could forget-
Forget it all and have no regrets.
But I’ve learnt that wishes-
they don’t always come true.

If only happiness was a tattoo,
Engraved permanently into your skin,
Following you everywhere you go.
Your best friend.
Never leaving you to the monsters of the night,
Which preys at your soul,
Dreaming to leave nothing but,
bits and pieces.
No matter how you might want it to leave,
It will stay.
If only it was a disease .
Cancer.
With no cure.
Can you imagine,
How sweet life would taste ?
I guess you will never know what it feels like.
I don't .
At the moment,
Happiness is a lightening ,
So short,
Strikes only for a moment,
Unexpected .
It's the blink of an eye,
So quick,
It cannot be captured.
It's a ghost,
One minute it is here,
The next it vanishes,
Into thin air.
If only it could last for a while.
Just to say "Hi, how are you",
If it's even just for a minute.
Happiness,
Will you be my best friend ?
My life depends on you ...

Soon you'll be memories,
You'll stain
Leave marks here and there,
Like dirt
On a kid's shirt after play.

Funny thing is,
It'll be good ones
good memories,
She'll press you
Between her pages of poetry,
and so it will be,
in her head.