A vacant room sign hangs outside the door.
I watch from the lobby as potential customers take a peek and leave, underwhelmed and disappointed with what they see.

Rusted handrails on stairs.
Peeling wallpaper with mold at the edges.
Creaking chairs that barely supports any visitors.

Not that there are any.

Sometimes I think I could convince them to stay for a while.
To fill the empty room, but my mouth refuses to open.
It refuses to sell the room using eloquent, convincing words.

How am I supposed to convince them when I can't convince myself?
I wouldn't stay here if I had the choice, so why would they?

I see the same thing onlookers see.
A beaten-down, useless, sad hotel.
There's too much to fix and repair.
It's beyond the stage of renovation.

So my heart stays vacant.

You were across the playground
I wanted to play catch
I said hi and smiled
You did the same

I tossed my ball towards you
You caught it and tossed it
Right back

We did that for a while
Laughing and smiling and playing
Having the time of our lives

But you wanted to throw it further
I told you I can't throw very far

I tossed the ball at you

And watched as you tossed it to someone else
Who could throw
Further than me.

I wish you would notice me,
notice my hints
and their intentions.

This odd feeling
builds in my chest.
It rises into my throat,
trying to escape.
Finally I can no longer
hold it back.

A sick,
bitter,
twisted laugh
bursts free.

It is directed at
the ones
who have ruined
my life.

Joke's on them.

I will show them wrong.
Every.
Single.
One.
That I can do the things
that I want to do.

That I can, and will,
become more successful than them.

Joke's on them.

My friends wonder why
I'm acting so care free,
so giddy.
They haven't put the pieces
together yet.
Like a picture that hasn't developed,
the result a secret.

You're my secret.

You're always in my mind,
constantly.
I can only focus on you,
and nothing else.
Like how cameras focus on one object
and blur everything else.

All our time together,
is stored in my mind forever.
Like the pictures I have of us,
tucked safely away in the shoebox
in my closet.

That mask you wear,
I know you wear it.
I've seen you without it,
you look beautiful without it.

So, please, take off the mask,
there is no need for it.
You, just you, is all I need to
love you.

A friend is someone
who is always there for you.
A friend is someone
who always on your side.

Right?

So why are my friends talking behind
my back?
So why do my friends despise everything
that comes out of my mouth?
So why are my friends slowly
withdrawing?

I'm not oblivious to it.
I get it.
You're tired of me now, you'll
move on.
Just like every other friend I've had.
And when you need me
again, this cycle will
start over.

Who am I kidding?
I'm just a socially awkward person
I'm average
In that giant group that's just there to fill up the world
Never destined to do something worthy of attention
Not popular, not a total loser
I'm the extra in the movie
I'm the character in a book that doesn't even have a name

I am motivated by this
Motivated by the fear of being average
I have to prove them wrong
Every single one who said
I couldn't
I can't
I would never

I can't rest until I'm out of that giant group
That mediocre crowd

I will be the best
I have to be the best

Should have known.
You were too perfect,
Not to be loved by another.

Silly of me.
Silly of me to think,
I could be the one.

I bet she means the world to you.
I bet you mean the world to her.
She must love the way you touch her.
You must love the way she touches you.

Silly of me.
Silly of me to think,
You might love me the way I love you.

So I'll just be here,
Waiting for what will never come.