she is my sun and she is my symphony
i am but a petal in her garden
i want to be a rose

I made a vision board
in CBT therapy
four years ago

I pasted a Keaton Henson quote
“I think a lot  of art is trying to make someone love you”
on my board

I just thought it was a nice quote

My therapist then proceeded to tell me
not to create for anyone else
but myself.

I proceeded to not listen.

I’m still writing poems about you
I’m still drawing your hands
I’m still in love
and we haven’t talked in years.

you kissed me with your cigarette breath
and i'm still trying to filter it out of my head
it's not that i want forget
it's just that i can't help wanting it
oh so bad
again.

come kiss me in my tangled sheets
on the sidewalk
on the docks

on my lips
please?

She tells me i deserve the happiness of a thousand suns
but i don't even believe I deserve the love of one

I've been in the dark for so long
the only light i have found is in pretty girls
who could shine enough light to grow flowers
in the darkest of places

I don't know if this will ever get through to her
but she has become one of them

A streetlight on the highway
A billboard in New York

She could light up my darkest of nights

But what happens when the power goes out?

i wish i could be with you
not necessarily for the celebration
but for the beautiful fireworks

the sparks

admiring you

admiring them

but instead i am admiring you
from afar
and the sparks fly between us through text message.

next year i'll be with you my love,
next year will be our year.

A.B

smoking was your favourite habit
and darling , you were mine
but the difference was
you were smoking to die
and i was loving you
to feel alive

the fact that i have only encountered her once
and now she's filling my entire repertoire
makes me seem a bit insane

it wasn't love at first sight , that couldn't be
i don't even know her name

but the way she carried herself so softly
the way we talked, yet short ,
gave me reason to believe that i must find her again
and i must tell her that our small encounter
yet month's ago
won't leave my ******* head

I don’t want it
I don’t want to be told I have constellations in my eyes
I don’t want to be told I have galaxies in my veins
I don’t want to be told I am your entire universe
All of your stars
I want to be told that I am a handful
A handful you wouldn’t mind holding forever
I want to be told
that I am enough

I am stuck in this body that I do not have control over
in this body that I do not have any clue what to do with

most would say their bones ache from travelling all day
my bones ache from not moving from my bed for 24 hours straight

trying to grab something from the other side of my room
without getting up

not even fearing the fall.

in my backyard
are the flowers you bought me ,
my mother planted them there

i haven't been outside lately
but she says they aren't doing so well.

neither are we,

are we?
my love?
lover?

i want to recite my favourite poems to you until you get tired of my voice

but i secretly hope that never happens as well

because these pages , though the words of another human ,
spill my soul

they’ll teach you how to understand me better than i ever could

will i blow people away
will i destroy anyone who gets close and doesn't leave when they're warned
im scared im a storm
i want to be a ray of sunshine and kindness
or anything but this

when we were over
i started speeding because i needed the rush

i needed the rush to let me know that i’m alive
and also to let me know that i can go  , at any time.

i knew i needed to slow down
but how could i slow down
when i was running away
from what was

how could i slow down
when all i could see
was his face in my rearview mirror

even though he was haunting my every move

all i could think was

how could i (get him to) love (me) again


____


i never slowed down , that’s the thing.
there is no happy endings to this.

but i did come to a complete stop

everyone around me is going 100 kilometres an hour

i’m putting on my brakes

i’m bound to crash,

maybe that’s what it takes

Ghosts exist
Ghosts haunt us
Existence is an art form
Ghosts exist

Therefore if someone calls me art
They could confirm that I am a ghost
That I am the one that haunts your thoughts
when you sleep at night

That I’m the one you tell your friends stories about
Around the campfire

I met her one day when her hair was green
she reminded me of a forest i would want
to get lost in.

The next month she dyed her hair black. I wanted to get lost in the darkness.

The next month she dyed her hair blue ,
I wanted to swim in her sea

The next month she dyed her hair yellow.

I called her my sunshine.

She says
"if you've loved me for 3 years now
you're probably not overreacting"
but every time i see her lips
on his
i know i shouldn't feel like thisanymore

its been over for years now
and i still love her like the first day we met
in our art class
in high school
and now im graduating but i don't want to let go of the hallways
where we held hands
i don't want to let go of the art room
where i got a first glance
at the girl
I've loved for 3 years now

She says I'm not 'over reacting'
Then why do I still write poems about her
Why do I still try to have her when she has given her all to someone who is not me
When I don't have a chance
Why can't I just let go

I'll still call her my snowflake,
Because she said okay.
I'm everything but.

One of these days someone is going to fall in love with you
The way you fell in love with them
It will be like a second nature to the both of you
To love yourselves
and to love each other
Oh how beautiful
Oh how soft
Your love
It could build mountains
It could create wonders

I’m sorry i couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed someday’s to go to work. I’m sorry i gave up, quit, without letting anyone know. That’s beating me in the *** now and i wish i would have listened to you.

2. I’m sorry that i’m not your ‘pretty little girl’ anymore . i’m sorry i’m not anything to be proud of. Now that i’m starting to realize things , now that everyday i’m needing to be more of an adult , i’m realizing that maybe you were right all along.

3. I promise i’m not trying to make things ******* you , if anything , it’s just as ******* myself.

4. I’m not ‘just like him’. I am my own person . I am worthy . I am not someone you can just commit your love to , and leave.

5. I’m sorry i tended to reach for you whenever i felt in despair. I should have known there was someone else. Maybe I don’t want the sympathy , Maybe I just want your voice telling me that things are alright.

6. Maybe i miss getting tea with you , even though you barely drank any. Maybe you remember the way i like my tea , or maybe you don’t.

7. It’s not anyone’s fault but my own. Who ****** me off now? No one. It’s my brain that’s ******* me off.

8. I’m sorry the drug store takes all of our money.

9. This isn’t a cry for you back . This isn’t a cry for anything. This is an apology. Here it is , here I am , I’m sorry.

I sleep to avoid them
I stay awake to avoid them
I can’t catch a break

i bathed with him
and all the bad thoughts
washed away

today for the first time since he left
i bathed without him
and all the bad thoughts
bubbled up and made me feel
like i'm drowning

and i didn't mind

I hope no one ever treats you
Like the Instagram teens treat their plants
in that I hope they don’t keep you around
Just because you look nice
Yet neglect your wellbeing
Until you wither
You can always be replaced , right?
Wrong.

It took me two months to fall in love with you

It took me one night to reverse what we had

It will take me a lifetime to forget

I have made a home out of my loneliness.
I have put out wind chimes.
The morning winds are my only company.
But they come , and they go.

I have put a lock on my door
So no one dare enter.
I have put out a mat that says “*******.”
So the neighbours know not to bring me a housewarming gift.
For I am not new to this neighbourhood.
I have been in this home of loneliness
for longer than they could ever imagine.
But this house ,
it's not a home.

Your legs are at 10 and 2
Baby girl , let me go down on you
Let me write poetry between your thighs
My words will take your breath away

i understand why you ate that yellow paint
van gogh
van gogh
i want to be van gone

i won’t ever understand why i still beg you not to leave
when i know you’re already gone

i thought our love was meant for movie screens
i thought our love was worth writing 185 poems about you
i thought our love was made for park benches
and 12 am subway rides
and 4 am conversations

but i've realized there was one thing it wasn't meant for

it wasn't meant to last.

every time i have ***
with a man that is
without failure i cry afterwards

i don't know why this is
maybe it's because every man's touch
feels a little like yours

feels a little like regret

feels a little like grime

that showering a thousand times will not help

you ***** ***** man
playing with my innocent heart
getting up and slamming the door
every time i wouldn't let you come inside

The only time you ever called me beautiful is when your hands were on my chest,
The only time you ever told me how lovely I was is when you were unclasping my bra
The only time you told me you loved me was after you came
That’s all I ever meant To you
Have a sad ***, baby

As a young girl, I was taught that a boy being cruel to me , treating me like absolute crap, meant that he liked me.

Maybe that’s why I get into the situations I do now.

Maybe that’s why I’ve had no luck.

I fall for the cruel , mistaking hate for unconditional love.

She always looks like she is in a daze
like she’s lost something.
A person, maybe.
A love, if you will.

The smoke runs in front of my face while we sit in her car.
“What have you lost?” I ask.

“I’ve lost my will to live. I’ve lost my will to love. I’ve lost my hope in happiness.”

I want to tell her things will be okay. But how do I know?
I stay silent I cannot lie

You learned what you wanted

You learned how to make my tea just the way I liked it

You learned how to make the bed just the way I liked it

But you were never prepared to learn how to love me

When I got bad again

out on a spring day
she came across a lonely daisy
in the middle of an enormous field

and she picked at the petals

" she loves me she loves me not
she loves me she loves me not
she loves me"

"she loves me"

so hopeful that her love would come around

and the saddest loss
i have ever been through
was giving her all my love
and never getting any back

It's always heavy holding onto toxic homes

Whether they are the walls you grew up in
Or the arms of a lover

Whether you've lived there for years
Or found comfort for months

A home can become
a battleground.

And i pray you know the difference.

i have a large heart
with so much love to give

i have a large heart
which gives them so much more to hurt.

You are my addiction
and i don't care if loving you kills me one day
i'll be laying in that hospital bed
on my last few breaths
thanking you for your time

we all have our reasons for not being able to breathe.

the panic is so common
sometimes it feels comforting
until i realize
i should probably be scared of that

the world cries through rain

i cry through poetry

writers are often in love or lonely

i don't know which i am
or which i'd rather be

i just know that i'm in love with you
and you're not in love with me

she used to ask me to leave bruises on her neck

and then asked me to arrange her hair to hide them.

she came across a lonely daisy in the middle of the field

she picked at it "she loves me , she loves me not"

if only i could get the words to tell her

then she'd know.

no one ever stays when i bring them to my bed
we **** and they leave
that's all i've ever known

i wrote a book
about the way i loved her
like i've never loved anyone before.

she wrote me a text ,
about how she loved him.
i don't have her anymore.

you have the perfect 'poet' name
and i can just tell
you'll write masterpieces some day

and i did not desert you
at least i never meant to
you just told me i need to love myself first
and i haven't gotten there quite yet

but what happens when you leave me?