there is no reason at all for me to be alive,
i'm sick of struggling to survive,
i just want to end it all,
i've hit a brick wall.

every inch of my body tells me i should be dead,
and i don't think i'm being misled,
one day (hopefully soon) i will be brave,
and travel to my grave.

i've thought against it for so long,
thinking my thoughts were wrong,
but since i've withdrew,
i realize they're true.

and don't you dare tell me,
that things won't stay this way forever,
because when will things get better? the future whispers to me "never."

*n.l.b

my chest feels tight,
fight or flight,
i can barely breathe,
and i'm starting to heave.

i can't even begin to explain,
how horrible this is,
i can't concentrate at all,
and i'm starting to bawl.

i feel like i'm dying,
but to be honest,
i'd rather be dead,
than feel like this instead.

*n.l.b

my body is here,
sat in this dark room,
full of gloom,
but my mind is distant,
almost non-existant.

i don't like this place,
so i'll run this race,
i'll hide away;
the only way i'll be okay.

*n.l.b

as much as i'd like to be courageous,
this fear is outrageous,
i'm filled to the brim with anxiety,
scared of the world and society.

but what makes it even harder,
is that i'm losing my only armour,
there's an intruder in my head,
it won't stop until i've bled,
and eventually dropped down dead.

i'm becoming petrified of my own mind,
this intruder is so unkind,
and with this fear,
"you can't hide this time,
you can't avoid me, dear."

nostalgic,
i used to be so brave,
oh how things can change.

*n.l.b

that voice in your head is deceiving,
it wants you to think it's your best friend,
but it's your worst enemy.

it wants you to think it wants the best for you,
to help you,
but that voice in your head,
it wants to see you dead.

*n.l.b

you have to keep reminding yourself,
when you're feeling weak,
that drugs are kind of like an aeroplane,
crashing.

you feel bad,
they'll lift you up,
take you high into the sky,
above the clouds,
where everything is beautiful,
you'll feel better up there,
but it's only short term.

remember,
eventually the engines will start to fail.

you'll be falling at a ridiculous speed,
you'll crash against the ground,
and everything will go up in flames.

and that will feel ten times worse than anything you felt before.*

n.l.b

i wish i could tear out my eyes,
give them to you,
so you could see what i see,
the world i'm sometimes unwillingly sent to.

everything here is scary,
everything here is darker,
everything here is duller,
everything here is bad.

i don't like the feelings i get when i come here,
i'm so far away,
but at the same time i'm trapped,
everything is closing in on me.

*n.l.b

every time that i pick myself up,
even if it's only slightly,
someone is always there to
knock
me
down
again.

*n.l.b

it's not like i ask for much,
all i ask for is happiness,
plain and simple.

if i can't have happiness then i'll have distraction,
from all the bad stuff,
a way of coping.

and when i'm as far away from everything as i can possibly be,
distracting myself,
don't bring me back,
don't disturb me,
or i will get angry,
very angry.

and i'm afraid i won't stop smashing things until everything is destroyed,
like me.

*n.l.b

i am drowning,
gasping for air,
but nobody saw me go under.

i am dangling off a cliff,
clinging onto the edge,
but nobody saw me fall.

i am bleeding out,
trying to stop the flow,
but nobody saw the cut.

i can't save myself,
and there's nobody to save me.

i am being drained;
i am a wilting flower,
i am slowly dying.

*n.l.b

it's evening on a slightly sunny day,
not my favourite weather - i prefer rain and thunder and lightning,
that matches how i feel better.

i didn't manage to sleep much last night,
the badness was running through my veins and wouldn't allow me to relax,
the urge to run and run but nowhere to go,
nowhere's far enough to escape yourself.

i'm being punished - although i'm not sure what for,
although it may not seem like it i try my best to cope,
i really do,
but it's just all too much.

if i can't run i'll disconnect in any way i can,
smoke,
drink,
smoke,
drink,
smoke.

my body has been clean for two days now but everything feels dirtier and duller than ever.

*n.l.b