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alice Jun 2014
I take comfort in the familiarity
of it all.
The constant madness;
ringing bells and sounding alarms.

I've seen a lot of things.
I know a lot of things.

I'm a different type of person
than I used to be.

I've seen a woman steal my heart;
watched her love:
F L E E T I N G
She loves you today,
him tomorrow.

The melody strikes the match
and the fire rages on.
Unbeknownst.
Without awares.

I've heard the words:
"Is this too intense for you,
it's okay if it is."
and I've answered:
"...it is,
do it anyway."

The 15 year old girl
on the couch
is high
on her dad's methadone.
I'm withdrawling
and hating her;
insane with abandon.

I've felt a needle puncture
the skin;
watched the snake
appear
and
disappear
into myself.

I am another yourself.
We are
One.

You and Me
we are the same,
different eyes
different lungs
but we share a
soul.

I've learned how to make a fist
and pump it
with a jumprope tied
round my arm.

These things are not useful.
They will not bring you
great fortune.
They are the wasted
thoughts
ideas
and journeys
of my youth.

I've been given another chance.
Not a second one,
just another one.
After being purple;
lifeless;
was the greatest hit
of all.

Sick and sad inside
she slumps against the
hallway
wall.
Feeling nothing
after crying for hours
she finds resolve
in the insults
inside her head.

I take comfort in the familiarity of it all
writing like stories
have no end
as if all the pieces
fit together.

The reality is
they don't.

Hope begets Grace
and Grace is what leads
us through this battle;
Life.

I've seen a lot of things.
I know a lot of things.
They are not useful
but

they are mine.
my mind will at times unexpectedly bubble and spill over without warning or explanation. this is an example of one such time.
alice Jun 2014
WAR
I usually count
as i go along,
slicing.
I didn't last night
and awoke to a ****** shirt sleeve;
sixteen cuts.

I always cut
in multiples of four.

Subconscious needing
brings into being
streams
of aqueous despondency;
never gone,
never out of reach.

I'm sitting on the edge,
the ultimate precipice
of things that cannot be undone.

I am tarnished,
scarred and bruised
with life's effigies burning
all around me.

Waging war on myself,
my demons,
carving them out of my skin
to reign there
no more.

There's a split in my reality;
twenty months free of chemicals
yet
I still catch myself
along serrated edges.

I usually count
the ditches
in my arm;
worn as badges,
trophies of shame.

Twenty now lie,
lined up,
as a platoon for battle;
purple and healing.

Winning the war,
I let them fade
until new enemies
come to rush my gates
once again.
Self-inflicted wounds produce pain and poetry. Both leave scars.
alice Jun 2014
"You're too skinny",
says my love
just as the dawn
breaks through
the window shades.

The seconds
turn into sobs.
With every tear
another bone
protrudes.

All:
cheekbones,
hipbones
and ribs.
My rings
slip off my fingers,
jeans slide down,
the numbers
on the scale
decrease;
these moments,
a triumph.

There's no
stopping her,
no turning away.
She's taken over;
demanding:
SMALLER THAN SMALL.

I answer with:
obsession,
body checking;
an overpowering
need
to be weightless.

I close the door
on him
and the silly ideas
of getting well.
Turning to her,
we hold fragile hands;
I whisper,

"Together, till the end."
All my habits are personified. Nervosa is a close, long-standing friend of mine.
alice Jun 2014
I am who I am;
no one else.
I wonder who you are;
deep inside.
I hear the slamming of keys on a typewriter;
faster, faster.
I see beyond this dimension;
the Earth is minuscule.
I want excitement;
a strange bond by words.

I am stronger than I think.

I pretend my issues don't exist;
burry them in the caverns of my soul.
I feel the warmth of your caress;
my body pulsating with love.
I touch my hip bones;
wondering if they'll always be there.
I worry my life will be incomplete;
somehow stolen from under me.
I cry for the souls who fell short;
into the hands of a living death.

I am reincarnated.

I understand very little;
this is only the beginning.
I say nothing when I should say something;
silence is the only sound.
I dream of peace;
remove the panic.
I try everything;
nothing left undone, nothing left untouched.

I am who I am; no one else.
The "I Am" poem template expanded upon. I first received this template in the 4th grade, thus opening the grand doors of Poetry within my mind.
alice Jun 2014
She was like a humming bird:
soft, light fleeting-
the perfect escape artist.
Speaking in riddles
that keep you up at night.

Face changer and witch,
she draws you close, holds you so
and then lets go without warning.
You can only get so close,
before she turns her back.
Every time a bit closer,
every time more sting
from the rubber-band of goodbye.

Sinking down further into her sea
she washes over you,
drowning you in the intoxication
of her salt.
She melts in your mouth,
Pixie Stix style;
sweet, but gone
before you can really enjoy the taste.

You press rewind
on your memory:
looking, searching for any glimmer
of her, any flash,
anything to keep her close;
even for only a moment longer.

She wears a mask:
masquerade half-faced,
with feathers and glitter,
ribbons hanging from the left.
She's perfected
this porcelain-painted facade.
Under the disguise
she defies the conception
of beauty.
Thinking her virtue lies
in the mask.
She lies in the mask.

She fades in and out
like the morning fog
over the ocean.
Rushing in
and falling away
once the sun rays hit the water.
The crash enfolds her;
she lets it.

Skin and bone she bleeds
for everyone who ever hurt her,
taking the blade to the skin
she lets them all win.
Playing a loser's hand,
all chips in,
she gives herself over
as payment for who she is.

***** and unworthy;
painfully aware of
her chemical circumstance,
she runs from the torment.
Into a forest of lost time
remaining hidden,
she tries to die
but ever-still;
she remains.
Females are magic. Inspired by the magnificence and madness of the miracle that is, The Woman.
alice Jun 2014
In these restless days
we fight
for a bigger picture;
more broad of a scope,
to pull back the curtain.

We're building potential,
with preceding
relentless
force,
through these
mental worlds.

Strutting around
savvy *****,
sauntering by
like we know
no better.

Selling ourselves
one phony token
at a time
to a Devil
wearing leather
stilettos.

Insulting our own
intelligences
by propagating
more absurd nonsense
to the masses.

We are institutionalized;
stricken
with a historic fate
that deep seated roots
reminds us
does not need
repeating.

Be the founder
of your mind;
your
house of cards.
Inhale completely,
releasing the one breath
that matters;
yours.

Smile and worry not,
you have only destroyed
the home
the misinformed
have built for you.

Pick up the Aces
and begin again.
Inspired by the genius of Terence McKenna.
alice Jun 2014
The drive
From Orange County to Los Angeles
Had never been so long.

Broken wipers
Black drugs
Psychotic episodes
Wet roads
And

“This is it.”
(I thought)
“I’m going to die this way.”

High
Too thin
Frightened
And
Without a Home

He continues to speed North
Trying to get his emotions to go South
And I’m frozen in the passenger seat

I smell of dirt
***
And blood

Spiraling into the abyss
I tried to remember his eyes
Inside the elevator

I stared his way,
But only the drugs gawked back

I prayed to a God I’d never seen
Begging to be saved from
My own decisions.

The demons pounded on the van
Some more
They weren’t going to rest
Tonight.

Tonight
We were dressed in black
The van shrouded in it
Tonight
We belonged to them

“This is it”

I inhaled the fumes

And surrendered.
Written a month after an extensive ****** binge and having been ***** - October 2007
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