i.
i hate you. i hate you for breaking my heart, i hate you for making me love you, i hate you for all of it. you swore to me that this time would be different. there would be no tears, no scars, no late-night wondering about what i did wrong. ...so then why is it 3am and i can’t stop wondering what i did wrong?

ii.
you’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever met. with that heartbreaking smile you told me about your past trauma, old drama, last flame that never could’ve lasted. i will never meet someone else with the same kind of glint in your eyes. you broke my heart, and darling i thanked you.

iii.
i still ******* love you. with everything within me i have tried to move on but my healed heart still wants you, after all this time, and how can i deny that heart the very same thing that could fix it? i am hurting, my dear. i am hurting without you.

sometimes i don't recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror,
all messy hair and dark trails of black staining her rosy cheeks.
that chin quiver,
a permanent crease below my bottom lip
from that godforsaken chin quiver.
it's true;
i'm sure you've never seen the waterfall pour out of my eyes,
never seen my shaking shoulders
and my heart beating too fast
and the fingernail half-moons dug into my arms to try and regain control.
i'm sure you can't see the internal bruises on my lungs from
never being able to breathe freely
or maybe you've seen the bleeding puncture on my tongue
from never saying what i want to,
what i need to.
call me weak,
i don't care.
it's not my fault that my heart
feels so **** heavy.

just a few short words
and i’ve already made a promise to myself,
a promise that,
this time,
i will not rush into things so quickly.
i will not share my words,
make brash declarations,
open this heart that’s been guarded for
so long.
i will take things slowly,
feel out the situation,
and let what happens,
happen.

i’m sick of how twisted these words are
as they float around in my brain,
two people telling me
two different things and
it’s not like i wanted to get involved with you it’s just
maybe i kinda wanted to get involved with you
but now it doesn’t matter,
none of it matters,
because once again i’ve broken my own heart
before it even had the chance to fall.

this world has a funny way
of ripping the life you want to live
right out of your hands, rip him right out of your arms
and
forcing you to survive in a world
you don’t want to live in;
sometimes living is worse than dying.
-a.c.b

my mother tells me i’m lucky,
father says i’m blessed.
but it’s hard to count any blessings
when i’m always out of breath.
grandma says i look pale,
it’s because i’m not getting enough sleep.
when the farm becomes abandoned
it’s hard to count any sheep.
i’m a mess who makes more messes,
sister tells me it’ll be alright-
that even in my darkest moments
i must remember to turn on the light.
but i think the lightbulb’s broken
or maybe much too dim,
because the only joy i feel
is when i’m looking up at him.
i’m tired of being sorry,
i’m sorry for being tired.
in life these days my
happiness and satisfaction isn’t required.
so it ***** if i’m a disappointment
but it’s hard to focus on grades
when instead my mind likes to relive
every mistake i’ve ever made.
i really didn’t mean to hurt you
i hope you can learn not to be mad.
i just wish i didn’t always go through the day
feeling so ******* sad.

it's 1am here
and i can't fall asleep,
don't know of it's all the coffee
or threat of the upcoming week.
but i've talked to my sister, read my book--
i'm out of things to do.
so i guess i'll lie awake
and write some more about you.
we have pictures together on my wall,
places i'd like to go with you, my bucket list cries;
every pop of blue around the room
reminds me of your eyes.
every quote and poem and lyric,
they all sing the same tune
about a boy a girl writes about
every night by the light of the moon.
the letters you've written me
are tucked safely next to my bed,
and i still take them out to read them
even though they're memorized in my head.
maybe it's your handwriting
or the way you try with all your might
to tell me through each word
that it's gonna be alright.
so i'm kinda sorry that
everything reminds me of you,
i guess i'm just in love with
everything you do.

not only is the farm abandoned
but all the sheep are dead.
the sugarplums dance on their graves
instead of twirling in my head.
smiles are nonexistent
nobody has a clue
of the million tons of *******
others may be going through.
my brain is being clouded
by all your negative words;
i’ve stopped saying hello to him
despite how much it hurts.
if he is the train
then i am strapped to the tracks,
begging myself to push forward
and never look back.
but my heart gives in,
it’s an endless cycle
of each time promising myself
i won’t reconcile.
but one look at his eyes
or golden curly hair,
and i’ve already started writing him
words beyond compare.
so if he is the farmer
then i am the sheep,
abandoned and killed
for my lack of sleep.

so at the end of the day
turns out the lightbulb broke.
extinguishing all light,
turned my dreams to smoke.
throughout the years i’ve learned
there’s no monster underneath my bed,
if you didn’t already know,
he lives up in my head.
he claws at my brain,
pushes tears out of my eyes,
makes me soil the truth
by telling these lies.
he has the string and i’m the puppet ,
just thought you should know
i mean it when i say
i’m at an all-time low.
as the rain pours down
so do the tears down my face,
ripped the diamonds from my neck
and tore apart my lace.
glued the headphones in my ears,
pulled away from the people who care,
“doesn’t matter.” he whispers.
“they were never going to be there.”
so he’s made a home for himself
up there in my head,
Farmer Joe, there’s a reason
all your sheep are dead.

and when the fingers of age
grace her face,
for it does not matter-
i'll love her the same.

when her chestnut ringlets
turn to silver strings,
for i don't mind-
i'll still be her king.

so i'll love you true,
through and through,
i swear till i'm blue-
it's always you.

you and me till the end of time,
from the day i promised, fingers entwined,
that i am yours
and you are mine,
my bride, my pride,
till the end of time.

i am convinced you were sent to me for a reason-
an angel in disguise
i think i'm going to fall in love with you-
i'm almost there, anyways,
but while it terrifies me that it's so soon,
and to relinquish control of my emotions like that,
to fall completely and utterly into someone else...
i have never been happier in the company of another,
i have never known the extent
of full reciprocation,
but darling, i thank you
for showing me how exquisite it is
to be loved by you.
-a.c.b

today i feel like velvet.
forest green velvet, to be exact.
today i flow like a waterfall of jazz notes,
a crescendo over a tuxedo piano.
my soul feels soft;
slinky, too,
like it could melt with anyone and
create something beautiful.
today i taste like salt,
mostly because tears are sliding down the back of my throat
and my eyes are the Dead Sea
and oh god, you actually thought i was sugar, didn't you?
today i am a nightmare,
robed in a lacy white dress and stuck under a peach sky.
i'm sure you'll tell me i look beautiful.
would you say the same if you knew i wrote about you?
today i am the ink of a ballpoint pen...
i'm sure you know what it's like to doodle calligraphy
on the corner of your math homework when suddenly
and ink blot appears
where the last letter of my name should be.
well, that's me.
everything is perfect--
until it's not.
today i am beautiful trauma.
try to hold me down.
i dare you.

where were you.

it’s so easy
to talk about my future with you.
a small herd of animals,
a couple of brown-eyed babies
and an apartment in the city.
if i close my eyes
and let go of all logic,
for a split second i can let myself see it.
-a.c.b

isn't it crazy to think
that tomorrow could be the day i fall in love?
tomorrow could be the day
i make someone my everything,
perhaps a classmate i've never noticed or
a friend who,
up until tomorrow,
was nothing more.
perhaps the barista that takes my order with a wink
or the cashier at Wawa
that rings up my lonely pint of Ben&Jerry's.
isn't it crazy to think
that  everything could change in a few short minutes?
by thinking that it could all change tomorrow
might just help you
get through today.

to the boy who brought me flowers on a random thursday morning,
i thank you.
they are sunset orange
like my favorite shirt of yours,
the one that's a little long in the arms
and cradles me like i'm about to break.
there were small fuchsia ones, too--
some half-bloomed
some not yet
some completely opened up,
beautiful petals unfurling like
they forgot they'd ever been closed.
...sound familiar?

to the boy who brought me flowers on a random thursday morning,
i adore you.
the thought of a boy who likes me enough
to sit down and handcraft me a bouquet of flowers just because he knows it'll make me happy
is one thing,
but to have that boy be you
is something completely different.
appreciation like i've never felt before--
you never leave me wondering
if the feelings are really there.

to the boy who brought me flowers on a random thursday morning,
i love you.
thank you for showing me the beauty
in being treated right.
-a.c.b

i’m not sorry for loving him
but i am sorry for hurting you,
i know you’d rather me write about your chocolate eyes
instead of his baby blues.
believe me,
to be honest, so would i.
taking the boy who writes me the world
over the one who constantly lies.
so yes, i know it’s about me,
but please let me sway you in some way,
it’s not fair to have a bad runner like me
sprinting through your mind everyday.
cause i’m not the angel
you make me out to be,
i’m stressed and depressed,
full to the brim with insecurities.
i’m needy and high maintenance...
but i’m sure you know that by now.
the way i ensnared you like i did,
i still don’t know how.
and that’s the other thing,
i’m so bad for you- how can’t you see?
that the best version of you
isn’t being weighed down by me.
he’s strong, independent.
better on his own.
he learned the importance of
not making some girl his home.
and “some girl” i am,
i’m sure there’s plenty of me out there,
with less issues, less chance of hurting you
and of course- better hair.
so darling,
don’t be wooed by some makeup and a dress,
you should focus on my inside-
a ragged, torn mess.
there’s a reason so many
before you have caved:
i’m a girl stuck in a tower
who doesn’t want to be saved.
so i apologize for hurting your heart,
i really, truly do.
but stop your heart from loving me
and you’ll be the best version of you.

oh, how tragically beautiful-
the two poets so madly in love
yet their hurricanes rage so deep inside;
they cling to each other with the hope that
the flames of their passion
will extinguish the monsoons of their demons.
-a.c.b

“but i miss him.”

and what can you say to that?
there are no words that can come from
your lips
that will make her forget
the taste of his.

tell me what you want to hear
and baby i will write you the universe.
-a.c.b

why couldn’t i speak,
think of anything to say?
why didn’t i tell him
i was always just one call away?
my feelings lay in a heap,
my heart is a catastrophe.
my god,
he wouldn’t even look at me.
why am i rhyming?
i’m so beyond structure.
baby
           i
               am
                       falling
                                    apart.
                                                  you
                                                           gave
                                                   me
                                           the
                               world,
                      said
                   i
         was
your
          girl.

what                 ever
                 happened              to
forever                          and
              
                   always?

hi, welcome to our world,
you must be new.
i'm sure it sounds exciting;
but let me explain something to you.
you're a girl so
things are a bit more tough.
things are hard when nobody listens
when you say "enough is enough."
it's almost like you can't say no--
wait, that's not it.
it's more that when you say that word
they still don't quit.
opinions run rampant--
nothing you ever do or say will satisfy them.
"them" being not only girls tearing each other apart,
it's also men.
this idea of "them" is that you're being attacked,
physically, verbally... it doesn't matter.
they say you have too much makeup,
your stomach should be flatter.
and then it's the clothes...
you wear too much and you're a *****,
too little and you're a ***,
might as well be ****.
like to flirt?
too bad, you put out.
like to keep to yourself?
you're a *****, no doubt.
there's no such thing as winning,
in our society today.
but please, have fun!
enjoy your stay.

i want to forgive you.
i want to stop my passive aggressive nonsense,
call you, hug you,
hell, i'd cross country run to you right now if i could
(and we both know how much i hate running).
hi,
i kinda
sorta
miss you tons,
miss your laugh and smile and
the way you run your fingers through your hair.
this isn't the kind of heart wrenching pain that you feel when you say goodbye forever,
(you know i know what that feels like)
but more like a subtle pang in my heart
when i picture your face.
it’s the tangled feeling i get in my tummy when
it feels like all my organs twist in a ball
because i haven’t heard you say my name
a while.
so ask me what do i want to do?
i want to come and love you <3

with every last drop of ink
i would spell out your beauty like the stars,
i would give up my life of writing
just to say
i love you.
-a.c.b

you will never be forgotten.
ever.
your name twisted into metaphors and colors and distractions will forever
be painted across pages and pages of her favorite brand of notebook,
no matter how many she burns
there will always be one she forgot,
and she will only find it once she had almost forgotten you.
she will find the one Papyrus notebook
and all of your metaphors and colors and disractions will come flooding back,
just like how the ocean in your eyes
flooded her heart all those years ago.

as the fighting ensues
i seek refuge
in the comfort of the clicking of my keyboard.

as my life unravels
i wish to travel--
honestly, anywhere but here.

i'm grateful that i'm able to write again,
i had missed the gliding of the pen,
writing out everything i forget to feel.

but when the clock strikes twelve
i could no longer delve
into the beautiful world that is my imagination.

there's a certain comfort
in knowing it won't last forever,
a sort of grim foreshadowing of the end,
and knowing neither of us were to blame
and knowing we were both too smart
to really believe each other when
we promised forever.
-a.c.b

my depression keeps me company
when you are not here,
words like acetone sunrises
and the taste of broken glass,
it’s kind of like
falling in love with death,
if you’ve ever been so unlucky.
his arms hold me strong-
like yours-
but his grip is tight, vise-like
doors of melancholy barred shut by self- loathing,
and just a dash of intrigue,
almost like i keep forgetting what it’s like
to cry myself a wasteland of tears.
he keeps me company when you are not here,
words like sharpened daggers
and the smearing of blood against ivory skin
it’s kind of like
watching the burning of a silent masterpiece.
i am the silent masterpiece
and baby i am burning.
-a.c.b

i used to think
the sparks were fireworks,
when really,
it was metal against metal
screeching, screaming
until the whole thing
finally
came to a grinding halt.
[acb]

i am from innocence.
i am from rainy days and lonely nights,
words smeared across pages because
i can’t get them out fast enough.
i am from stanzas upon stanzas and ink-stained fingers
as i dream of new ways to say what’s already been said.
i am from words of love, words of anger,
struggling to find the words
to describe his eyes, i can’t.
but that’s okay, because to me, he is poetry
and
poetry has been the one consistency in my life.

i am from travelling the world.
i am from plane rides-
from the mountains of Italy
to the city of Lisbon
it’s safe to say
i have lived.

i am from 4am small talk with my best friend,
questioning our life decisions
between cheesy rom-coms,
thanking Fate and the Universe
for introducing the two of us.,
i love her
for accepting me
when i couldn’t accept myself.

i am from my dad’s famous waffles,
from Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven
and cold glasses of milk coming home from school.
i am from my grandmom tucking me in,
my mom hugging me goodnight,
my sister and i staying up way past when the lights were supposed to be turned out.

i am from New Year’s Eve countdowns,
pots and pans banging on my front porch
as a new set of resolutions
hangs in my room,
waiting to be broken.

i am from a school full of jerks… that i fell for anyway,
empty words and velvet lies, luring me in
just so i can break my own heart
at the end of it.
but i am from believing in soulmates,
because two live in my very house with me,
23 years later and the flame hasn’t diminished-
i know
i will find my Prince Charming,
somehow, one day.

I am from creased brows and mild confusion
when the teacher asks for strong boys
to carry the desks;
i am from being resigned to the edge of the classroom,
implications that
i am weak.
i am from “sit like a lady”
and
“young women don’t speak like that.”
but actually,
i am a young woman
and i’m
“speaking like that.”
i am from being the only one in my karate class
with my toenails painted pink;
they have accepted me now,
i am just another black belt,
my long hair swishing behind me in a ponytail
as i kick harder than half the boys next to me.

i am from beautiful chaos,
like entropy
in a sundress. i think
my madness is magnificent--
like the prettiest mess you’ve ever seen., it’s true-
i am from a lifetime of figuring things out
and though i’m not there yet,
i’m a hell of a lot closer
than i’ve ever been.
-a.c.b

i am from a peach colored bedroom
and an overflow of stuffed animals.
i am from a childhood of make-believe.
i am from innocence.
i am from a supportive family and loving friends;
i am from a place where i was used to
losing relationships.
i am from lonely days
and even lonelier nights,
my only sunshine-- a boy i know all too well.
i am from giggling whispers and sweet smiles;
i am from a school full of jerks...
that i fell for anyways.
i am from a constant sense of not belonging,
a paranoia I'm at the bottom.
i am from the need to define myself,
to be represented with words and lyrics
that prove i'm not alone.
i am from a world so familiar
it hurts.

when life finally quiets down
i hope you don’t think of me
as white noise

i miss how reliable you used to be;
whether it was 3pm or
3am
you were there,
picking up the phone, bleary-eyed and tired
face immediately creasing with concern
ready to calm my shaking body with
your velvet words
or celebrate my latest success
with excitement as if it were your own.
now, you don’t pick up the phone
i’ve stopped calling you
cause what’s the point
when i know you just don’t care anymore.
-a.c.b

you planted me a garden of wildflowers,
all my favorites and
every kind i didn’t even know i loved.
you picked every flower for me,
handed them over in a bouquet tied with red ribbon,
your love coloring each petal.
your smile was so wide, hope
so big
and i lit the bouquet on fire.
i watched as your face changed, as
the negativity took over and your words tinged blue.
i probably cried a lot less than you,
but
i still cared. that was six months ago and
now you’ve saved up enough to
plant me a new garden, with some old favorites but
new ones as well.  and you thought,
you really thought that
when you gave me that red ribbon bouquet i would take it. you thought i would maybe stop hurting you.
at some points, to be honest,
so did i.
save your garden for someone more deserving,
someone better than the mess i am.
i’m sorry i couldn’t accept your flowers.

i've written you in and out of all my poems,
every single part of you expressed in each of my delicately placed words.
but it's not enough.
it's never enough.
i have an insatiable hunger to let the world know how i feel,
not just about you,
but i guess, sort of, about everything.
i've learned that it's easier to just write about your eyes.

you make me think
that it's all been worth it.
all the drama, all the frustration,
all the tears at 2am
because he didn't love me back.
you make me think
that all my patience is being rewarded,
with this beautiful, amazing boy
who loves me for everything i am,
and everything i am not.
thank you,
for touching me with your words
before your hands.
thank you
for making it all worth it.
-a.c.b

the first time i heard the words
"greater than the sum of its parts"
my mind drifted to you, of course
because of your shattered soul and misplaced mind
always too much or not enough
of everything.
but soon the branches starting
tap tap tapping
at my window, owls waking me up
to whisper your secrets in my ears.
the first time you looked at me with your cerulean eyes
and made me a promise you soon broke,
i eagerly forgave you,
for i could not resist the sugar trickling off your words.
then it happened a second time, a third
a fourth
a fifth
and now, i can't remember what it's like for you to
actually make promises you'll keep.
the owls visited me last night and
with their words, it was the first time i thought that
maybe your whole is
less than the sum of your parts.

my hand grazed your bicep
i was jostled, i landed in your chest
i laughed as you joked
suddenly feeling out of breath.
you flashed that smile, threw up a peace sign
i could see your face perfectly.
butterflies playing bumper cars in my stomach
god, the way you were looking at me.
it lasted only a moment,
felt like two or three
but two hours later and i can’t stop thinking about it
there’s no place i’d rather be
than with you right now,
i yearn to meet your eyes
to talk for hours and kiss and laugh
and never say goodbye.  
my head says “don’t catch feelings”
but my heart says “why not?”
you’re sensitive, smart, and funny
and so freaking hot!
i’m trying to stay away, i swear
but it’s so **** hard
because you walked into my life and blinded me
by the perfection you are.
-a.c.b

my infinite happiness,
endless source of despair.
my worst nightmare and
my favorite fairy tale.

god i don’t know how many times i can write the same thing,
write that i’m obsessed with you.
obsessed with your smile and laugh
and the way you watch me when i’m happy.
i always used to care that it was unrequited,
now
i just count my blessings each and every night
to have you in my life.

sorry if this is
too forward but i think that
you are wonderful.

you never know what you need
when it’s standing right in front of you,
blurred lines of the person you’re
supposed to love
too close up to realize until
it’s much too late.

i'm sorry i seem weak to you.
i'm sorry you're not used to swimming in my brash words,
my confidence in myself.
i'm sorry you're intimidated by me,
by my successes and dreams for a future you're not included in.
i'm sorry you couldn't see me for the beautiful person i am;
i'm sorry you didn't learn earlier that i do not tolerate abuse.
but mostly i apologize to myself
for putting my body through the kind of pain it went through,
the kind of pain i called loving you.

you made your decision
and now we both have to live with it;

don't even ask-
yes, it's too soon
no, i'm not ready to be friends
no, i cannot talk to you like normal.
why?
because i can't erase your memory from my mind,
because i can't forget your lips
or skin
or how it felt to lay in your arms
or the way the setting sun would color your small room
as we rolled around on top of your sheets...
you made your decision
and now we both have to live with it;
don't tell me how heartbroken you are
and expect me to sympathize...
you broke my heart,

and now you have to live with it.
-a.c.b

do you ever realize
just how beautiful someone is,
when their face is illuminated by that 5pm glow,
those golden rays coloring their face,
accentuating perfection
on an already perfect canvas?
do you ever realize
just how beautiful someone is,
when they’re excited, talking about something they love,
and you’re encompassed by the bubble they share
because the words can’t tumble out of their mouth fast enough?
do you ever realize
just how beautiful someone is,
when you see them in their element,
writing or teaching or just speaking to a group,
and you know that can’t see you watching
but how could you help yourself cause
oh god
you’ve never seen something
quite so beautiful.

with every
breath you
take i
wonder
how can
someone so
beautiful
be so
sad?

i've always wanted to fill my notebooks
with beautiful words
so now i just fill them with your name.

i’ll drive
if you’re in charge of music,
grab the crumpled up money in the top drawer of your dresser
and boy let’s go
up, out, and away from this town
away from the rules and the constraints binding me
to a life i don’t want to live,
let’s go
to a life i do want to live
a life with you,
rain smearing the traffic lights down the windshield of my car
music blaring through the open air
between us, the love
between us, is charged
electrified
feel the hairs on my arm stand up as
you shout my name, the trip
of a lifetime
you are
once in a lifetime
i guess i just want
a lifetime
with you.
-a.c.b