My notebook has a stain
That I placed there.
For I wanted to cover,
The lines where I wrote your name.

It takes up some space,
This anthracite black smudge.
So unlike you,
For there is no more space for you

Here
In the pages of my heart.
I have removed you.
And threw you into the shredder.

So as the ink seeps through,
Making this mark final,
I turn the page
And write anew.

Today I woke up with lightness.
I felt it's healing glow
Moving from my heart to my toes.

It is a calm I prayed for.
How glorious as it wraps all of me
In a quiet strength winds only know.

It is as if all the poison
From aching bitterness dissipated overnight
For I only have silent clarity.

We were meant to have
That passionate, self-destructive moment
So our fires could dance and die out together.

I cannot hate you, dorky man.
In flickering moments, I saw you.
Naughty you who always warmed my skin so cold.

Your ocean eyes belong elsewhere
Never to me.
So I hope for your happiness.

Your playful heart deserves that
As does my giggly one
But far away from each other, separately.

You have caged me
The moment your predatory gaze
Met my unknowing eyes.

You fed me with fruity words
That I devoured
Like a hungry bird.

Your kisses seared into my skin,
Branding me yours
Like cattle to its owner.

Then you found crimson lips
More delicate than mine.
So you set me free.

Told me:
"Fly away,
There's better pastures elsewhere."

Though I want nothing more
Than to soar,
I cannot.

Because you come at me
Like a swarm of bees
All snug and perched
Inside my memories.

You are like the threads
Unfurling at the end of my coat
With each fiber that detaches
My coat adjusts to the new normal.

It's not the same as before,
But it manages and still keeps me warm.
With threads disconnected,
I now have nothing.

There is nothing,
Nothing more of you inside of me.
The moment you let go of my hand at my stop,
My heart started draining you out, empty.

I smile at the lessons learned
But at the unplanned thought of you
A parched throat in a desert feels better
Than the blankness inside, the only leftover.

You saw only
A vulnerable part of me
Full of tenderness and mischief
All wrapped up in high-pitched
Giddy laughter.

I touched your growing beard
With stories of office happenings
And little rants of hanger and stress
As your empty arms kept me close and warm.
Then you held my hand goodbye.

Boy, you only saw a snippet of me
The tropical islands I came from
And reasons why I love my family.
Done.
My empowered heart has moved on.

And I am so grateful
Because you will never know my dreams.
No.
You no longer deserve my smiles
And will never again hear my giggling.

Hold on to the memory of me
Or who you think I may be.
That's all you'll ever have
A hazy visage
And never all of me.

A burning sadness
Crept up from within me
Like the cigarette you just finished
Its smoke engulfed me.

We had the usual date.
“For old times sake,” you said.
Dinner at Applebee’s
And a movie at 42nd.

Interstellar was on the plate
Our first heavy movie together.
It mushed our already tired brains
But like always, we analyzed it after.

Remember Valentine’s at Kip’s Bay?
We watched the Lego Movie.
At one point our combined laughter
Was all that echoed throughout the theater.

But we’ve also ridden a Central Park carousel,
And ate bibimbap at 35th.
You’ve felt at home on my couch
While I fell asleep on your tummy at Brooklyn Bridge Park.

I have these and more to take with me.
And when you hugged me goodbye tonight,
This scorching flame burned brighter,
As you whispered into my ear, “I’ll miss you.”

I forgive myself
For making you a choice
For seeing you.

I forgive the anger that ate me inside
Because I let you get so close to me
Only for you to hurt me.

I forgive these unnecessary desires
Things that used to burn for you
But have folded up into cinders.

I forgive the illusions
I chose to hold on to
Knowing that reality has no space for that.

I forgive my heart
That up til now still hopes for you,
Imagines you wondering about me.

I forgive what can no longer be.
Because I need to let go.
First and always, I must hope for me.

We met at that UES Pub
Almost three years ago
And we ended up getting closer
Than she who introduced us to each other.

So much history engraved
In the diamonds we sold.
Moments when it’s just us in a room typing,
Talking about our past and common dreams.

Laughter and our hold on our faith
It’s what glues us together.
All the late nights at the office with music blasting
We sing along and continue working.

We were made to be in sync,
From knowing each other’s thoughts without speaking
To that silent, judging look we share
Then chortling because things happen for "a reasons."

You are the other half of me,
From our same decibel laugh and partner appetites
To the fact that I fit in your clothes
During unplanned sleepover nights.

I might not have replied
Mostly because I was too busy hugging you and crying
But yes, and I know your heart knows this
You are my NY best friend too.

I thirst for this blaring noise
That flows into my veins
Like the cheesy jokes
That slide from your lips
Because I want to remain deaf
Be oblivious to the orchestra inside
With symphonies only of your baby blues
And those pictures of the full moon
That you sent me.

It was mechanic
How my body fit against yours
Under those laser skies
Our bodies melded in dance.

I responded naturally
As I have before
To the men I've danced with
But they have been forgotten.

Yet you remain.
Imprinted.

The grinding did not matter
For in that unnoticed instance
Your calloused hands found mine
Tiny then my hand became.

With fingers interlaced
Our hands locked together
And in that moment,
I felt safe.

Erased.
That's what you are,
From your pictures,
And your messages.

I've deleted everything.
Because there was really nothing.
Nothing,
Nothing to hold unto.

This past I refuse to acknowledge,
Goodbye.
For I do not have reason to,
Look back anymore.

It's all gone.
Just like what we never were,
What we could not be,
Unlike what you are now with her.