Material, it’s just something to make into something more right,
Material can make you happy for a second but it doesn’t last,
Seemingly nothing gives me the serotonin I oh so crave,
But receiving something new gives me that good 15 seconds of remembering that feeling,
But no, things can’t make you happy,
Situations, memories, people.. they make you happy,, right?
Sometimes those memories are too far away and you haven’t seen those situations in days,
But the people, the people do their best, but their best isn’t always enough, like that 15 seconds
It may seem like I’m horrible, the only time I can get happy is buying things to fill a void that was never meant to be full,
But it’s okay, right? Because I’m not filling it with drugs or bad people , no,
I’m filling it with that good 15 seconds where I remember what it’s like to feel alive.

People assume I’m happy when I do not cry

Assume I’m sad without a smile

Some say I’m lonely, but I prefer comfortable

Others say I’m comforted yet I am alone

Don’t assume.

Anger

An emotion most of us have deep within

Something people like to plant in us for fun

Most don't realize when they create a monster of anger it will be their demise

They laugh and taunt as my fist goes through the wall

But I hear no more remarks when my fist goes through them all

I was sweet and kind and loving you see

You killed what I used to be

I am a monster, a blackhole of anger and spite

Laugh all you want, I’ll give you a fright

I am done,
Trying to keep people in my life is exhausting
Whether they try to stay or don’t
Can’t handle myself, let alone someone else
No I don’t hate you or talk of you
No more sad thoughts about you
Stop thinking about me it’s not worth it
Was I ever here, you won’t know
But it’s better that I just ****** let you go

I’m an empath , to not give is sin
So I will stretch myself paper thin
And when I rip, fix me with tape
Sadly for me , there’s no escape

How can a natural thing hurt so much
Why do our brains turn love to dust
I don’t understand why this feels so wrong
Trying to eat just takes so long
I’ll never understand why my brain does this
Tells me no one could love this
I apologize to those I meet
For I am not yet settled on my two feet

People have strange fears
Mine is myself
At this point I just feel like somebody else
Thought I knew my own feelings
Now I’m just confused
I feel as if someone else is in control
Of my own body?
No that doesn’t make sense
Because I am me
But my memory slips all the time
And I feel less alive
I am just Here.

Feeling empty is much different from what people think it is
It feels like the blood had been drained from me
From the tips of my toes, to the top of my head
I feel as if there is a gaping hole in me
A hot air balloon running out of air, with no clue where the hole is to patch

I’ve tried filling the emptiness
But it’s more than a hole of emptiness
It’s a vortex, a black hole
It will take and take but will never be satisfied
Because satisfaction was never the end game for it.

I am a vortex
I want to fill my emptiness
So I drag others and items and anything close to me
Because I keep thinking “This will make me happy, this will satisfy me”
And yet each time, I forget about the item, I hurt the person, and I hurt myself.

I hope someday, I’ll meet another vortex, because maybe two of us will make things better
Or maybe that will just be more destructive
Who knows.

To anyone who I cross paths with:
I’m sorry you must now rebuild the land that is your mind
That you must now reconstruct that thing that was your heart
I will never be able to satisfy your need for my apology
Because the only satisfaction, is for my vortex to end.
I’m not sure how to do that.

I am Max.

I can not be simply imagined

Many will create a character in their mind of what I must be like

None will get this character right

Because I am not a simple thought

I am not what you want me to be

Trust me I’ve tried before

I am not that cool, has it together punk

I am not that smart, likeable shy alt kid

I am not your next conquest or partner

I am not your next interest or crush

I am not the one you fall in love with

I’m the ***** that will break your heart

That teaches you not all love is right

I am the heartache you get when you think of love

I am the ******* tears in your eyes when someone says “I love you” back

I am the mistake you’ll make

I’m the drug you’ll want time and time again

But I do not come back to break people

I will break you once and myself many times

I’m the one you’ll scream and yell at when it’s over

I’m the one you’ll block and never unblock

I am the mistake you’ll make time and time again

But the truth is that I’ll never be right for you or anyone

For I am a phase that some may have

But I am also the whisper in the wind that comes once, never twice

I am Max.

My stomach pokes out a little bit
But that’s normal isn’t it

Every look and stare gives me a scare
I’m big and bold but liking the attention is rare

Please don’t look at me
I’m not that interesting

I’m just trying to get by
Do my best not to die

I hate how I look
From my ****, to my hips, to my thighs to everything UGH

Why must I look like a girl
When I just want to be a random entity in this world

Gender is confusing
Looks are deceiving
But you hella know my confidence is fleeting

So please don’t look at me
It’s really scary

Don’t tell me I’m cool
I feel like a fool

Just leave me alone
Why do you think I never pick up my phone

I am just an imposter in this freaky society
Not a man, nor a woman, just kinda in-between

So don’t look at me
Don’t perceive me
I already feel I don’t exist

Don’t look at me deep in my eyes
For you’ll start to hear all my cries
From the nights where I hated myself the most
To the days where I can’t take it anymore

So please
Don’t look at me.

I am not a happy ending
I am not true love
Sadly I’m a phase
A siren who has come from above
I do not yet know what love is
Do not expect me to give it
For I am not a soulmate
I am not love.

I’m not sure what this “love” is anymore
I’m pretty sure I had it at one point, I did
But uh, love gets messy right?
I’m not too sure what love is anymore
Because I’ve messed up the meaning of it for myself
Even when you have love, well sometimes you have to let it go
No matter how much you cry and scream to yourself in the mirror
It won’t fix everything
So, this is why
I do not want people to love me.

Who knew a gift of birth could cause such pain

That a name could make tears fall like rain

Who could have foreseen such destruction

Caused by a word used for introduction

They created a kind little girl

Ended up with an angry alien in the world

Every time I hear that name all I feel is shame

They say it to mock me it seems

When it’s heard, I rip at the seams

For I am not what I was meant to be

I am not her and she was never me.

Stop asking for whom I love
I do not feel that
I only feel numb
Stop trying to upset me when I feel nothing
No clue what you’re trying to do
But it’s something
Scream, cry, beg; whatever
Your punches feel light like feathers
Be angry all you want and sad
I don’t feel anything anymore
Hah.

I think I’m attaching to someone again
Ugh I don’t want to do this
I don’t want to hurt them by how I am now
I am NOT looking to be with someone
I can’t be with someone
I don’t like hurting and breaking people
To anyone I may meet, please know
I’m sorry.

Why is it that so many people remind me or you?
The same style accent
The same hair
The same aesthetic
The same name,
That **** name
Since I left everyone has it
I’ve brought a curse into myself

I thought leaving would make it all better
But now I’m just so so confused
I don’t know what love is anymore
Happiness is sparse
Motivation is gone

So let me say:
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve given
I’m sorry for the happiness I’ve taken
I could’ve been nicer, I thought I shouldn’t
Just let me go please now
Let me get better
I get it, I ruined a lot of things

But just because someone leaves doesn’t always make them the bad person
We were both bad in our own ways, I’ll own ip to being that way

Please, let me go.

I don’t get why people want me to stay the same

When all I want to do is change

Never been normal or human

I’ve always wanted to be a shapeshifter

Now look what I am

An ever blooming flower

Don’t try to stop something that’s supposed to happen

I exist for a reason, not sure what

Try and stop me

I dare ya.

You’re asleep
I should be too
I’m not okay
Nor are you
But days with you feel better
Dreams with you feel sweeter
You give feeling to a gray world
Thank you

Being cold all the time is strange
But no one questions it in the winter
No idea what I’ll do in the summer
No one notices a thing if I still have meat on my skin
They won’t say I’m pretty, they won’t say I’m skinny
I’m not large, not small; just someone stuck in the ****** middle

Seems like no one pays attention till your time is almost up
I know I can accomplish things, but I can’t do them alone
Sometimes I realize I don’t know what can help
And others I just need a hug

Please don’t give up on me, I promise I can be okay
For now I’ll be sad today, but sometimes you give me a smile at night
So thanks for existing, it really means a lot
Can’t promise I’ll be here for long, but I know I will while I can

I haven’t been feeling good.
It’s not because a person or situation though
It’s just me.
So after manic episodes and sobbing loads
I go to the hospital
I go once, twice, three times
By the third I’ve given up and scream for help
But with no such luck
So they give me more meds
Say I’ll be fine
But how am I fine if I’m numb inside?

You say my scars are beautiful
Never specify which ones
But we both know you mean the ones when I wanted to die

You say you understand my pain
And that it’ll all be okay
But everyday is harder to stay

Waking up is like climbing a mountain
DONT get me started on school
Yes I get I seem lazy
But I have no motivation

You can yell and scream
Doesn’t change the feeling
Either way I just want sleep
I sleep all day and I’m still tired
My life is in dismay

But you say it’ll be okay

Hot tears running down my cheeks
Puffed up eyes, makeup stained sheets
But of course I’m fine

The same three songs all on repeat
Oh I’m fine, nothing bad I say
But I don’t want to stay

So I say; goodbye my friends, what a bitter end
I just wanted to rest
Goodbye to those who I hated the most
You made me who I am

when I sing this I don’t wanna die
I just want to sleep another wink and not cry
I’m not going anywhere , just going to rest
DONT you fret I’ll be back in 10-20 minutes

I’m sorry that I’m not enough, for you
But I promise I’m trying to
I know my best isn’t enough
But doing all of this is tough

You speak so calmly but I can feel the screams
My tears come flowing out in streams
You think I don’t try but it’s all I ever do
You think I’m rude but I’m trying to be nice to you
I don’t know what you want from me
I’m giving everything I have

Sometimes I feel like no matter what
I’ll just never be enough

Why does my stomach still clench at the thought of you,
Why does the pain of the past still feel fresh,
Why do I still care how you’re doing,
Why do I feel?

I was a ****, I still am
Sorry I had to be so harsh at the end,
I figured being harsh would push you far enough away to hurt less,
Yet here I am months later with the same regrets.
Now the only thing I can still think,
Is was it actually love?

I am a lot to handle

Not to you maybe , but I know I am

I feel the emotions fade

For I am a crooked tree on the brink of breaking

I am but a weeping willow awaiting its rot

You do not understand this, nor do I

Yet here we are, you assuming that I was something that I am not

And me existing as the rotting willow I am