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MJS Mar 2018
;
The question is should I use the scalpel or the tablets to take my life;

I am sorry to all those who trusted me,
Sorry to all those who cared,
Sorry to my little apprentices the two I hold so dear,
Sorry to everyone who loves me - I tried to love you back;

I am sorry I didn’t stand up for my self
Sorry I was weak
Sorry I just took it
Sorry I didn’t speak up - I tried but my words choked me;

I am sorry for my indiscretions
Sorry for my depression
Sorry for my lack of control
Sorry I can’t control my demons - I tried to, I really did;

It’s time to stop apologising, it’s time to bring about an end;

So with these final words my friends I say goodbye, god bless and farewell;
From a dark place - words written at the very end of another night with no sleep, full of fear and wanting it all to end. I chose life
???
MJS Jan 2019
???
I wonder and wander or do my wanders make me wonder?
What ever it is I am going under,
Sinking and drinking, my mind always thinking.... But why??
Meh.... Drunk again.....
MJS May 2020
My Light within now nothing more than a flicker
the sun has set and the dark is now met
empty is my heart, drowning is my soul
I long to feel something, my sorrow must be slain, before I am to be consumed by this pain
MJS Jan 2018
Stuck in this hell hole with no hope of a rope.

I am here but no one hears me
I am sinking like I can't cope.

If only they knew how much I wanted out,
If only...
If only they could understand my pain,
if only...
If only they knew I couldn't leave,
If only....

Climbing up from the depth of doubt
My mind can't take any more and I know this
If only I could focus and solve this
Why is this hard
shouldn't it be easy
Please, I need to find a way to appeases me

If only they knew.....

I am out of control I can’t do this
no way to hide and defuse this
I can't help how I feel I need to loose this

If only they knew....
MJS Apr 2018
I’m sorry I didn’t put your first. Please understand I can’t control this thirst, I push instead of pull so I can disperse the
worst that I have inside me

I tried, I really did. A constant battle of my emotions, unable to feel devotion. What is it you say? - ‘please be kind’. Well I wish I could rewind and erase your mind of all the bad I have done; leaving you able to love freely.
MJS Jul 2017
The bitter pill of rejection,
The deep cut from within,
The onset of self loathing
The scathing attack of the mind.
A ******* to kindness, all the good retreating to hide.
MJS Jan 2018
My malevolence and brooding petulance
                              a display of impetuousness is all
                                                        part of my
                                                        presence­




or is it.....
                ?
MJS Apr 2018
Dear Love,

Who are you?

Why do people speak so fondly of you yet hate you freely too?

You break peoples will to live and give it all in the same breath

You are a conflicting in your actions and have no mercy

You strike without warning

You let suffering happen yet take it all away just the next day

What gives you the right?
MJS Jan 2018
You cunning beast, you slippery ****, how dare you trick me and pull me down into this rut.

You occupy my mind and devour my soul, you empower my dark side and shake off my good will.

I hate you, I fear you, yet I have to be near you

C’mon then let’s do this. I’d hate for you to confuse this. Grip my heart and pull it out.

*******..

I have no doubt of that I’m sure, heck I’ve said it before ******* GET OUT..

I surrender my will, take it it’s yours.
In a fit of mental anguish. On the surface I am calm but inside I’m gone...
MJS Jan 2019
Every step I take my demon awakes, he follows me everywhere, his grip knows no bounds

Always suffocating and sometimes oddly liberating for all is not what it seems

Now while frustrating, I am not advocating
that this beast is is like a thousand hounds

I love him like my equal yet hate him like my friends....

Yes, just like my friends  -  I hate, I loathe and berate as they do not understand

I have the power to create and the power to advocate but my will is not at its strongest

Give me the power the resist.
Been a while since I’ve hit the note pad. Always seems to be at my lowest
MJS Feb 2018
His cold hands grip me, I can smell his rancid breath, he smiles at me and says ‘welcome to death’

My eyes start to close, my mind goes all foggy or is it my eyes that are foggy and my mind closing?

The last pill still on my tongue, my head too heavy to lift and swallow.

His cold hands grip me, I can smell
his rancid breath, he smiles at me and says ‘this is your last test’

I stumble down from my bed, did I just hit my head? I’m floating above I can see all the mess. I can’t go now I am yet to confess.

One step at a time, a little shuffle forward, I reach for my throat and eject the poison his cold grip lets go, his rancid breath fading....
MJS Jan 2018
I want to reach out and touch you
I want to tell you I care
This cage I have built restrains me
How can I possibly be there

I hear your words and they haunt me
My own guilt and self loathing taunt me
Paying my penance a constant tenant this destructive state of mind.
MJS Feb 2018
Do not pretend to know me
my resolve knows no bounds
you have no idea what I’ve seen
or where I have been

You claim to understand me
yet you always put me down
you have no idea of the desire I hold
to be the better man

You sit there and stare at me
nothing in your eyes
when will you realise, I hate all
these ******* lies

This life that’s carved out
the constant doubt and mistrust
it’s all about to end of that I have no doubt

I am stood in front of you
emotionally naked
completely bare
do not dare to see this as weakness

I walk away from you
with everything to live for
I cannot stop this from happening
I will be part of this no more
MJS Dec 2017
I remove my emotions, shut down my heart.
No longer allow life to trouble me because that’s how it all starts.

[I CLOSE MY EYES, THE COLD BLADE SLIDES CUTTING DEEP. WITH ONE SLICE EVERYTHING CHANGES]

Anxiety grips and takes control pulling everything down into this tiny black hole.
No use fighting just go with the flow.
You will rise again and go on with the show...

[THE BLOOD FILLS THE SPACE CREATED BY THE SCLICE. AT FIRST A TRICKLE AND THEN EBBING FURTHER AWAY FROM LIFE]

I place myself in this cage to preserve my life. From the outside I appear cruel and riddled with strife.

[I STARE AT THE RIVER OF RED. MY EYES START TO CLOSE, HEAVY EYES. MY MIND FEELS FREE]

I fight this battle every day.
My fight, my rules...
I will always find a way to win...

My cage is my way....
MJS Jul 2017
Sat here waiting for them. They are late. My palms are sweating, heart racing.. I don't want to be here alone...

Please hurry and release me from my anxiety.

What if they don't show
Has she decided to not let them see me
Are they ok...

It's an irrational fear and I know this..

Breath Steve. It's all ok....

10 minutes has past and still no sign.

What's going on?? Where are they!

I stare at the door. Every sound is magnified. Sat here on edge.

Waiting.... Just waiting for the door to open and see the warming little smile of my little apprentices. My anchors to this world.

No.... Don't you dare cry! Swallow and swallow hard. This is not the place.

They will be here...

15 minutes now....

16 minutes have past. 16 long agonising minutes... I need to see them desperately.

I hope they don't notice.. A is so in tune she always sees my darkness..

17 minutes - no text or call.... Where are they??

My breathing is hard and heavy. I feel sick with worry, I'm scared. I don't want to be here alone....

Please hurry up!!

Finally they are here
MJS Mar 2018
I draw a deep cold breath and my mind starts to clear. I don't want to be here stupid I no longer care... It's a long windy road but the end is near, I can't wait to reach the end but the path ain't clear. With each breath this fear starts to lift, this  curse starts to shift. This anger rises within....

This anger is not directed its with out intent. With out intent this anger I vent is not meant... It's violent with out merit, berating and hating, mutilating, aggravating and always suffocating..

I don't want to be here stupid I no longer care.. It's a long windy road but the end is near.....

Clarity and transparency arn't friends of mine. Condescending, never ending this permanent state of mind. Forever pretending and awfully offending my doom impending my mind bending....

I don't want to be here stupid................
MJS Dec 2020
I hate my own breath it stinks.
My own being makes me want to be instinct.
My actions are evil, my thoughts are equal...
I do not belong in this place..

So everyone thinks I need protection, no I need the means to hide; to **** the *******  who made  me this way...

I hate you, I despise you.

Save me
MJS Apr 2018
I hide myself away day to day
is life always going to be this way.

I act like I fear nothing when I am scared of it all
always playing it cool when really I am a fool.

My heart in a box my mind its guard
never fall to hard, I hold that in disregard.

Don't let anyone in I can't let them win
they will see all my sin and know where I have been.

I don't allow my self to let go
I am scared of what I do not know.

Destined to be the old man alone
no one by my side except my dog and his bone.

If only I could accept who I am
not give a dam and just be me..
Alone once again and wishing I could feel something more than empty
MJS Aug 2018
I miss you….

I miss your smell, the way we gelled and always laughed together.
I miss your smile, the way you always went the extra mile and how we played together.
I miss your hugs, the way we fit and always seemed to just know.

Our connection always powerful, our love strong.. Put simply we felt bound together.
Our hearts they beat as one, sing the same song, tunefully they produce their unique note.

So the way we miss can not be dismissed but the snarling truth is this..
I took the ****, I hissed at you and destroyed our sacred kiss
I took your trust and your lust and turned them into disgusted.

You think I ignore, I don’t I adore you. My fear is what keeps us apart.
I stare at my phone wishing I could atone and repair the tear that’s between us.

I spend days in this haze, trying to think of ways that you and I can get past this, to be able to deliver this message to you…

I miss you….
MJS Jan 2018
I took your heart and broke it
Occasionally I offered reprieve and stroked it.
I took it out and poked it.

I did this without intent
I tried so hard not to misrepresent
Scared by my own discontent

My failing not yours.

You are beautiful....
MJS Feb 2021
It hurts, it all hurts. My past drives a stake through my being, my present makes me fear my past and my future scares the absolute **** out of me. I live in fear..

How do I resolve this, where do I find the power, the strength to hold on.. Sometimes I just can’t, this weakness it hurts me, makes me feel less of a man.

I walk in a shadow, the shadow of a man beaten, desperate to find a way out of this eternal misery.

But how? I’m shown love, I’m shown forbearance, I’m given the freedom to be the man I want to be.  Yet I still don’t see it, don’t see why others see something in me that I don’t. Is it really there?

At times I believe it, I hold it close but the demon in side me says no. NO you are not this person. You are a person who’s being is wrong, who’s existence is nothing but a pain to others.

I desperately try to allow my being  to unfold  yet I know; like a dagger through the heart I am wrong, evil an nasty piece of work.

But why???
MJS Jan 2019
Yo, how’s it going. I have been thinking about you a lot.
My mind seems to drift to you and I don’t  want it to stop
Yes it’s me, someone you didn’t wish to see
But **** it it’s time for some honesty
I loved, I cried and yes I stupidly lied  
What am I gonna do?
I can’t help it because it’s you
MJS May 2018
Staring at you it was clear to see
you don’t need, want or desire me.

Your eyes cast me aside in a way your words cannot, you want to hurry up and forget me, leave this rot.

Push me away and then hold me close
You know how to hurt me and cure me the most

If only things were different and the past was left where it belongs, maybe just maybe we could have been strong

Here we are both alone, but is that not what you wanted, if it wasn’t you would phone

Is it time to let go, close our hearts once more and allow us both to grow?

****. I miss you x
MJS Dec 2017
Lost love.

I hear her.
My heart beats again..
A thunderous roar from my chest...

My body starts to ache.
Longing for that feeling to return..
It can’t, too many things have happened, too much damage.

The ‘melody’ is not what it once was..
The wind no longer strong.

If only things happened differently...
MJS Jan 2018
I'm cracking up,
you're sinking down,
lying in bed awake,
can you not hear me cry,
you want me to save you,
but, I can't even save myself.
MJS Jan 2018
like a Meteor crashing through the sky
with no thoughts for the Annihilation it will cause.
Narcissistic and Irrational are traits of it all
Anarchic until its end…
MJS Jul 2017
A product of my depression an infatuation of my mind.. I search for answers in your eyes of yet I am to find,
My highs and lows go to and thro bouncing from one to the other,
A constant war of emotion, a battle field yet to unfold,
I stare at you, our eyes locked I never feel consoled.

A product of my depression an infatuation of my mind.. I search for answers in your eyes of yet I am to find.,
I like to feel elation not violation this crazy state of mind,
From one fleeting thought to another retreating back to hide,
This oppression of happiness beating me from inside.
MJS Dec 2020
You can’t find a soul mate if you don’t have a soul, an empty vessel floating without a sail.
The tide turns and drives me towards the rocks.

The jagged edges, **** me they dig deep, the hard stone smashes my mind....
There is no repairing this. ......
I will sink, I will drown......

The agonising pain as my lunges fill with the ice cold water, the desperation of fighting for a breath.....
The knowing that every time I try to take in air will **** me....
What is it they say ‘breathe, just breathe’ ;


But what if you can’t.....


Meh -   It’s just words, words have no meaning without action. Words are meaningless without follow through....

Tick to the tock and all that ******* rock...

I hate every single part of being me
Go **** your self
MJS Jan 2018
David is a strange fellow
always a little too mellow
he will sleep for days
walk around in a haze
he hates company and loathes to talk
just try him – “F**K YOU” he will squawk

He takes some coaxing but will ‘snap out of it’ soon
he will leave me for days, weeks or the next full moon
his visits are often unannounced
but “rest assured” he whispers “I can always pounce”
My dark passenger
MJS Jul 2018
I take a deep breath and the air feels my lungs. The relief of being able to breath is immediate.

The pressure on my chest is lifted, the stresses of my life gifted to another day.

Burring my head I might be, pushing you all away I am.

It’s better this way, the fear I feel when I think you are close to discovering who I really am...

Cold.
Hard.
Empty.
Fake.

This jagged little pill. A rose with a thorn, a blanket wrapped in barbed wire.

The relief is immediate but the pain felt afterwards is worse...

What’s the answer, face it or take another.....

Is taking another a weakness or self preservation?

Cold, hard, empty and fake are all traits I hide well. This mask sits firmly in place. Sure it cracks occasionally but I always find a new one..

Warm.
Soft
Complete
Real

All traits my mask is able to portray.

Thank you my life saving little pill....
Been hiding for a while. Clinging to self preservation in many different forms. Recently slipped back into dependency.....
MJS Mar 2018
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it at all
Desperately fighting this feeling of being small
I try so hard but I can’t escape it
Maybe I should just fake it

I can’t do anything right it all seems such a fight
Flight seems the only way to go
My mind keeps going to and thro

Run away, go back to the knife
After all it’s not worth all this strife
You could kick up a fuss
But it’s all to much
Just slash away and turn your self to...

Nothing...
MJS Jan 2018
I lay awake
1000 thoughts stealing my only relief
For when I sleep I feel no grief
I am
not sad
not angry
I am
alone
I feel nothing

I crave the nothingness like a ****** his fix,
the internal bliss of this illness
an epidural for the mind.
Oh
MJS Dec 2020
Oh
If it all burns will I bask in the warmth?

If hell freezes over will it heal my burns?

What if both happen at the same time?

Oh ****...
MJS May 2020
Feeling on edge, standing on this ledge. Should I jump before I am pushed?
Your arms out stretched... are you a friend or a foe?
Will you push me over or hold me tight. Please
show me I’m worth this fight
MJS Mar 2018
Do you really want it to die,
To whither away to non existence,
For us to be extinct,
Our flame extinguished

Our connection is the strongest
I don’t want this to end
I’m coming home to you
My gorgeous friend

You say you want to hide
And that i must ignore
Because if I chose to listen
You will close the door

Sure we have been here
Just like before
Only this time it feels different
Like we are destined for much more
MJS Mar 2018
Batten down the hatches, prepare for the storm.
You have been here before, you know the score.
Sit tight and hold on, the wind will get stronger.
Don't let it rip you from your grounding, don't let it even come close.

Stand up and face it, look directly into it,
do not falter, you know it will pass, feel the cold against your face,
embrace it.

Stillness will follow, in place of strong grinding winds will be sunshine.
A ray of light to follow, a warmth to bask in.

So for now ride the storm, humbly stand before it and take its force.

Tomorrow is a new day
Today is a dark day, tomorrow is a new one... Lets see what it brings..
MJS Oct 2017
Mind turning,
Every cog in my brain whirling.
Every thought and emotion explored,
Nothing ignored.
Constant analysis
What I need is paralysis.

SLEEP!!!
3am and hardly any sleep for 2 days.
MJS Apr 2021
Gone, just a few days have past and already seems like being forgotten. No longer aloud to grieve no longer able to appease.

The next hurdle comes along, now nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter what you feel inside, whats spinning in your head. **** I might as well be the one that’s dead.

It should have been me, can’t you see I’m the bad one, the one with broken dreams. It’s not so obscene. Listen closely to my stifled screams

The mighty has fallen only the meek left in her place, not fit to walk in her shadow, head hung in disgrace.

I swallow,  push it all deep in side. Hide the emotion, go hide the knife. One foot forward; shuffling along.
MJS Mar 2018
STOP

Be quiet

Are you listening?

My words are belittling

You don’t move, no repositioning

What have you been witnessing?

Why are you so scared?

Please don’t be

It’s me

STOP
MJS May 2018
This rope don’t choke it feels good
Hanging from the ceiling escaping this feeling  
My smile beams my eyes hollow
Will there even be a tomorrow

This rope don’t choke it feels good
Racing mind but slow heart
1 beat to every thousand thoughts
How long can this go on

This rope don’t cho.....
Sad times = bad times
MJS Jan 2018
Hello my woozy friend
I have missed you
welcome back
fog my brain and make me feel heavy
you know I am ready
take my pain and blot it out
but don’t you dare shout
this is our secret, just me myself and I.
Who
MJS Dec 2020
Who
Let it be, there is no need for this to hold me. Just let it be, these rolls of emotion can’t control me. Sometimes they take hold, like they have to unfold, but seriously let them be...

I don’t want to be the worse version of me. Please just let it be.

These feelings they take a grip, they never slip. I try to wriggle away and hope they fade.

They don’t.

Always there in the shadows....

Waiting...

Wanting me to be that person...
MJS Mar 2018
Seething with anger
exploding with rage
for all you little people - I am coming out of my cage.
How dare you judge me, spill your ******* lies
you hypocrites, you small insignificant *****.
Today you sat in front of me
tried to make me feel small
cap in hand is what you wanted
instead I give you my sizeable *****.
I will own the day
and drive you into the night
you are nothing with out me
all around you will close.
I’ll play your game for now
let you think you have me
the sun will rise and you will fade
along with your *****, stinking lies.
MJS Oct 2017
I cut you,
You do not bleed.
I push you,
You do not fall.
I scream,
You do not flinch.

You stand by my side,
The strongest person I know.

Thank you x

— The End —