My Light within now nothing more than a flicker
the sun has set and the dark is now met
empty is my heart, drowning is my soul
I long to feel something, my sorrow must be slain, before I am to be consumed by this pain

The bitter pill of rejection,
The deep cut from within,
The onset of self loathing
The scathing attack of the mind.
A ******* to kindness, all the good retreating to hide.

My malevolence and brooding petulance
                              a display of impetuousness is all
                                                        part of my
                                                        presence­




or is it.....
                ?

Dear Love,

Who are you?

Why do people speak so fondly of you yet hate you freely too?

You break peoples will to live and give it all in the same breath

You are a conflicting in your actions and have no mercy

You strike without warning

You let suffering happen yet take it all away just the next day

What gives you the right?

You cunning beast, you slippery ****, how dare you trick me and pull me down into this rut.

You occupy my mind and devour my soul, you empower my dark side and shake off my good will.

I hate you, I fear you, yet I have to be near you

C’mon then let’s do this. I’d hate for you to confuse this. Grip my heart and pull it out.

*******..

I have no doubt of that I’m sure, heck I’ve said it before ******* GET OUT..

I surrender my will, take it it’s yours.

His cold hands grip me, I can smell his rancid breath, he smiles at me and says ‘welcome to death’

My eyes start to close, my mind goes all foggy or is it my eyes that are foggy and my mind closing?

The last pill still on my tongue, my head too heavy to lift and swallow.

His cold hands grip me, I can smell
his rancid breath, he smiles at me and says ‘this is your last test’

I stumble down from my bed, did I just hit my head? I’m floating above I can see all the mess. I can’t go now I am yet to confess.

One step at a time, a little shuffle forward, I reach for my throat and eject the poison his cold grip lets go, his rancid breath fading....

I remove my emotions, shut down my heart.
No longer allow life to trouble me because that’s how it all starts.

[I CLOSE MY EYES, THE COLD BLADE SLIDES CUTTING DEEP. WITH ONE SLICE EVERYTHING CHANGES]

Anxiety grips and takes control pulling everything down into this tiny black hole.
No use fighting just go with the flow.
You will rise again and go on with the show...

[THE BLOOD FILLS THE SPACE CREATED BY THE SCLICE. AT FIRST A TRICKLE AND THEN EBBING FURTHER AWAY FROM LIFE]

I place myself in this cage to preserve my life. From the outside I appear cruel and riddled with strife.

[I STARE AT THE RIVER OF RED. MY EYES START TO CLOSE, HEAVY EYES. MY MIND FEELS FREE]

I fight this battle every day.
My fight, my rules...
I will always find a way to win...

My cage is my way....

Sat here waiting for them. They are late. My palms are sweating, heart racing.. I don't want to be here alone...

Please hurry and release me from my anxiety.

What if they don't show
Has she decided to not let them see me
Are they ok...

It's an irrational fear and I know this..

Breath Steve. It's all ok....

10 minutes has past and still no sign.

What's going on?? Where are they!

I stare at the door. Every sound is magnified. Sat here on edge.

Waiting.... Just waiting for the door to open and see the warming little smile of my little apprentices. My anchors to this world.

No.... Don't you dare cry! Swallow and swallow hard. This is not the place.

They will be here...

15 minutes now....

16 minutes have past. 16 long agonising minutes... I need to see them desperately.

I hope they don't notice.. A is so in tune she always sees my darkness..

17 minutes - no text or call.... Where are they??

My breathing is hard and heavy. I feel sick with worry, I'm scared. I don't want to be here alone....

Please hurry up!!

Finally they are here

I took your heart and broke it
Occasionally I offered reprieve and stroked it.
I took it out and poked it.

I did this without intent
I tried so hard not to misrepresent
Scared by my own discontent

My failing not yours.

You are beautiful....

Yo, how’s it going. I have been thinking about you a lot.
My mind seems to drift to you and I don’t  want it to stop
Yes it’s me, someone you didn’t wish to see
But **** it it’s time for some honesty
I loved, I cried and yes I stupidly lied  
What am I gonna do?
I can’t help it because it’s you

Staring at you it was clear to see
you don’t need, want or desire me.

Your eyes cast me aside in a way your words cannot, you want to hurry up and forget me, leave this rot.

Push me away and then hold me close
You know how to hurt me and cure me the most

If only things were different and the past was left where it belongs, maybe just maybe we could have been strong

Here we are both alone, but is that not what you wanted, if it wasn’t you would phone

Is it time to let go, close our hearts once more and allow us both to grow?

****. I miss you x

Lost love.

I hear her.
My heart beats again..
A thunderous roar from my chest...

My body starts to ache.
Longing for that feeling to return..
It can’t, too many things have happened, too much damage.

The ‘melody’ is not what it once was..
The wind no longer strong.

If only things happened differently...

I'm cracking up,
you're sinking down,
lying in bed awake,
can you not hear me cry,
you want me to save you,
but, I can't even save myself.

like a Meteor crashing through the sky
with no thoughts for the Annihilation it will cause.
Narcissistic and Irrational are traits of it all
Anarchic until its end…

A product of my depression an infatuation of my mind.. I search for answers in your eyes of yet I am to find,
My highs and lows go to and thro bouncing from one to the other,
A constant war of emotion, a battle field yet to unfold,
I stare at you, our eyes locked I never feel consoled.

A product of my depression an infatuation of my mind.. I search for answers in your eyes of yet I am to find.,
I like to feel elation not violation this crazy state of mind,
From one fleeting thought to another retreating back to hide,
This oppression of happiness beating me from inside.

David is a strange fellow
always a little too mellow
he will sleep for days
walk around in a haze
he hates company and loathes to talk
just try him – “F**K YOU” he will squawk

He takes some coaxing but will ‘snap out of it’ soon
he will leave me for days, weeks or the next full moon
his visits are often unannounced
but “rest assured” he whispers “I can always pounce”

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it at all
Desperately fighting this feeling of being small
I try so hard but I can’t escape it
Maybe I should just fake it

I can’t do anything right it all seems such a fight
Flight seems the only way to go
My mind keeps going to and thro

Run away, go back to the knife
After all it’s not worth all this strife
You could kick up a fuss
But it’s all to much
Just slash away and turn your self to...

Nothing...

If it all burns will I bask in the warmth?

If hell freezes over will it heal my burns?

What if both happen at the same time?

Oh ****...

Batten down the hatches, prepare for the storm.
You have been here before, you know the score.
Sit tight and hold on, the wind will get stronger.
Don't let it rip you from your grounding, don't let it even come close.

Stand up and face it, look directly into it,
do not falter, you know it will pass, feel the cold against your face,
embrace it.

Stillness will follow, in place of strong grinding winds will be sunshine.
A ray of light to follow, a warmth to bask in.

So for now ride the storm, humbly stand before it and take its force.

Tomorrow is a new day

Gone, just a few days have past and already seems like being forgotten. No longer aloud to grieve no longer able to appease.

The next hurdle comes along, now nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter what you feel inside, whats spinning in your head. **** I might as well be the one that’s dead.

It should have been me, can’t you see I’m the bad one, the one with broken dreams. It’s not so obscene. Listen closely to my stifled screams

The mighty has fallen only the meek left in her place, not fit to walk in her shadow, head hung in disgrace.

I swallow,  push it all deep in side. Hide the emotion, go hide the knife. One foot forward; shuffling along.

STOP

Be quiet

Are you listening?

My words are belittling

You don’t move, no repositioning

What have you been witnessing?

Why are you so scared?

Please don’t be

It’s me

STOP

This rope don’t choke it feels good
Hanging from the ceiling escaping this feeling  
My smile beams my eyes hollow
Will there even be a tomorrow

This rope don’t choke it feels good
Racing mind but slow heart
1 beat to every thousand thoughts
How long can this go on

This rope don’t cho.....