I sit at the table
While a different part of my brain
Tells me that I can't eat
Or i'll go through more pain

The bullies will come back
They'll hurt me more
I hate my life
I miss how it was before

Why is it so hard to eat
Why is it so hard to talk
Why is it so hard to run
instead of choosing to walk

I don't want to gain weight
I don't want to lose
I wish that whether I eat or not
Is something I can choose

My friends have started to notice
How little I eat….
I don't want to talk about it…

10 years of drawing
9 years of being friends
8 years of being bullied
7 years of being bullied by you
6 years of guilt
5 years of trying to fit in
4 years of writing poetry
3 years of letting you manipulate me
2 years of knowing something was wrong with our friendship
1 year of trying to tell you
0 years of freedom

On my first day in hell
The teacher gave to me
a bunch Of homework

One my second day in hell
The teacher have to me
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my third day in hell
My teacher gave to me
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fourth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fifth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my sixth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
6 pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework
Halfway done!

On my seventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eighth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my ninth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my tenth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eleventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my 12 (final) day in hell
My teacher gave to me
12 year-olds to manage
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

And now, to repeat it all again

A for ***
because that's what you were to me
B for *****
because that's what you are
C for crap
because that's your opinions
D for ****
because that's what you act like
E for eternity
because that's how long your words will repeat in my head
F for *******
because those are the words i held back for so long
G for game
because that's all i was to you
H for hell
because that's what you put me through
I for incinerate
because that's what you did to my self-worth
J for joke
because that's all our friendship ever was
K for ****
because that's what you made me want to do to myself
L for loser
because that's how you always saw me
M for mortician
because that's what you'll need by the time I'm done with you
N for no
because that's what i said but you kept insisting we should be friends
O for onion
because you act like one, always making me cry
P for promises
because you never really could keep them, could you?
Q for question
because i have a ****-load of those for you
R for real
because i wonder if you even know that i am
S for sacrifices
because i made so many for you
T for torch
because i was in the dark but you hid yours
U for ugly
because that's what you kept on calling me
V for vaccine
because you make me sick
W for war
because that's what's going on in my brain thanks to you
X for x-ray
because i want to dig deep into your mind to find out why you did this to me
Y for you
because that's what i blame everything for
Z for zip
because zip your mouth, you cannot be talking about pain

a whole alphabet about you. i feel like we need more letters
because there definitely is more to be said

Writing this because I feel like there is so much more to be said

A for anagram
Because you rearranged my brain like a nonsense sentence
B for below
Because that's what my social status is compared to yours
C for complain
Because that's all you ever did
D for dread
Because that's all you made me feel
E for even
Because even now, you mess up my brain
F for freak show
Because that's where you thought I belonged
G for girl
Because even though I was out to you, you still called me one
H for help
Because I think you need some…
I for idk
Because whenever I asked you a question, that's how you responded
J for joker
Because that's what you are, like the card in a deck. Useless
K for kid
Because you act like a toddler
L for lies
Because those are all you told me
M for me
Because that's who you never cared about
N for never
Because that's when you will realize what you threw away
O for okay
Because you know that I'm not
P for power
Because i never realized, but you had it all
Q for quick
Because that's how our friendship ended
R for revenge
Because I know it won't help
S for sap
Because just like sap, you are sticky and annoying
T for thumb
Because I always had to be the one to give you a thumbs up
U for umbrella
Because I was always the one to protect you from the rain, getting nothing in return
V for vacation
Because I sure as hell need one from you
W for whatever
Because you keep saying that, thinking it makes you sound cool
X for xenophobia
Because I think you have that
Y for YOLO
Because I really hope that you do
Z for zzz
Because that's the noise you made when I needed you the most

I think we might need another alphabet…
I know this one is worse, but it still says a lot and was hard to write sooo…

am i going crazy
i cant believe my eyes
people telling me
its going to be alright

the chaos in the room
the noise passing by
panic arises in my soul
rightfully so?

it's too loud in here.
haha
i think I'm going crazy
because it sure feels like it
maybe I belong in an asylum :)
because I can't ******* do this anymore

whats going on
chaos moving in my brain
chaos and panic
world passing by
while i'm stuck
here
in this hellhole
that's bringing pain
and hoping for death
and destruction
i have no idea
whats going on
heart rate going up
breathing fast
brain going crazy
too much happening
for my little, anxious, stupid, empty brain

anxiety affects
my fragile heart
you can't make it stop
when someone already made it start

anxiety affects
my useless head
asking me "what's going on?"
and "why am i not dead?"

anxiety affects
my confused soul
makes it ask more questions
makes me want to hode in a hole

if i was icarus
and the wax on my wings melted
i would have apologized to you
for splashing the ocean water on you

if you stabbed me
and i was dying
i would have apologized to you
for getting blood on your shirt

if we fought
and didn't make up
i would have apologized to you
for saying sorry

well,
i'm sorry.
sorry.

Build me like IKEA furniture
With wood and screws and pain
Let me talk to you deeply
Let me take up part of your brain

Let me love you truly
With no lies, wrongs or cheats
Let me care for you lovingly,
Let me wrap you In clean sheets.

Let me ****** those who wronged you,
Let them bleed Out on the floor,
Let you smile honestly
When I come knocking at your door

Let nobody near you but me
Let the pain stay far away
Let me be your medicine
You must take me every day.

Don't leave me.
Please love me.
Who is she?
Does she replace me?

I'm not obsessed.
I'm not obsessed.
I love you.
DONT LEAVE.

Avoid the question
Ignore the problem
Try to stop
Try to eat
Won't
Can't
I
I can't
I can't *******
I can't ******* do
I can't ******* do this
I can't ******* do this anymore

Today
I visited a cemetery
For a geocache
But I found
Something else
I visited the Italian section
Hoping to find some of my culture
But I found
A small grave
Sticking out of the ground
Labeled
”Alice”
It had her parents names
And nothing but her date of birth
And death
She was seven months old.
Her poor parents
She never got to speak
To walk
To wonder
To make friends
To go to school
To get a job
I wonder
If her parents still think about her
If they're even still alive

Poor baby Alice…

dance to the song,
you beautiful ballerina
we are all watching
don't mess up

move your feet,
you beautiful ballerina
or we will attach the strings
to your useless little limbs... again

paint a smile on your face,
you ugly ballerina
if you smiled more
more people will like you

why did you eat that,
you fat ballerina?
you'll just gain more weight
you wont fit into your size -5 dress

you made a mistake,
you useless ballerina
maybe you should just go
nobody even wants to see your show.

Quit hoping for freedom,
You disaster of a ballerina
You are our marionette
We have full control

Stop lying,
You rat of a ballerina
We have never hurt you
We just discipline

Stop being dramatic,
You drama queen of a ballerina
You dance
You don't act

Stop moping,
You hideous ballerina
Just because he doesnt like you anymore
Doesnt mean you have a right to frown

Start smiling,
You sad ballerina
Nobody will like you
If you frown...

you deserve better,
you precious, imperfect, kind, sweet, beautiful, nice, wonderful, friendly, injured, hopeful ballerina.
leave this awful place.
you deserve so much better...

maybe only now I'm getting this realization
This realization that being treated wrong is not something to oversee
Maybe these piles of books are my only friends in this lonely world

But there she is
A candle in the darkness
A butterfly that flew into the endless abyss of the world
A savior, even though she might not know it.

Deep down
I know that she is the answer
The replacement for the piles of books

After being treated wrong
For all these years
Her presence felt strange, but in a way, right.
She is always there.
Especially when you need her.

And now I know
She is my best friend
And she will always be there
Because I love her
And she loves me
Platonically, of course.

Honestly
You are my best friend
I love that we can call
And talk about nothing
And everything
All at once
Over the span of thirty minutes

I love that we can do anything
And enjoy doing it
Because we are together

I love that we can go on long walks
And it's like we are the only people in the world
Because we are best friends

bicchiere
è una cosa strana
se fa troppo caldo
si scioglierà
ma se lo lasci cadere
si romperà in un milione di pezzi
proprio come il mio cuore
quando hai detto
"non dovremmo più essere amici,
sei semplicemente un peccato.".
il mio cuore è caduto
e distrutto
è diventato acuto
arrabbiato
triste
amaro
confuso
depresso
nervoso
psicotico
­vetro
è una cosa molto strana
ma lo capisco
forse un po' troppo

i can't pick up the pieces
every time you break
i have my own
to retrieve from the floor

Even now
I remember the sound of their laughter
The awful noise
And how it hurt as much
As a slap in the chest
How their verbal claws
Dug deeper and deeper
Into my skin and soul
"You're worthless"
"R*****"
"Fat ***"
I bet you forgot
That you even said those things to me
But I hope you know
They keep repeating in my head
Every
Single
*******
Day

you left me.
                 but i loved you
i thought we would be friends forever.
                 but i loved you
you treated me like ****
                 but i loved you
i wanted to be your friend
                 but i loved you
i guess it was just pretend
                 but i loved you
but i love you
and even though you are awful
i can't seem to let go

sure,
but why did you care about me?
no one ever did before.
is this what it feels like
to feel okay?
because i don't recognize this feeling.
not at all.

you said you would be there for me...
                                         but you never were
you said you would be my best friend forever...
                                         but you never were
you said you trusted me...
                                         but you never did
you said you would love me forever...
                                         but you never did
you said you would never hurt me
                                         but you did
you said you would never insult me
                                         but you did
and trust me
i would know
because the words you used
keep repeating in me head.

i miss you
but i hate you.
come on, i never said that.
but you did.
r_tard...
you arent one to be talking.
useless piece of sh-t
oh...
just shut up, nobody likes you.
...
i know.
i'll leave now.

today
i was changing after PE
(in the girls locker room, of course.)
too scared to come out to the school.
i was changing out of the blueberry colored sweatpants
when a girl commented
"how did you get those cuts?"
"do you have a cat or something?"
and i just stood there
like a rabbit
hoping
that if i freeze
they won't be able to see me
they ask me if i'm okay
...
i ran away

i know
that i have problems
but i think that they're starting
to turn into issues

i have to make a choice.
either spend
thirty hours a week
spewing my problems to a stranger
aka therapy,
or live
in a mental hospital.
its been a really long day .

i feel alone
in your hugs
your arms cold
your soul
your skin
your heart
cold
your touch
is like a snowflake
delicate
but cold
so
so
cold.

count the seconds
because every moment counts
you might lose a friend
make one instead
or maybe even fall in love

Maybe I'm going crazy
Because I think I might like him.
I might want him to like me
Am I going crazy???
Because it sure feels like it.
Haha maybe I am 😅
Maybe I have a crush
Maybe
Just maybe
He does too

i want to
c r y
but i am in a crowded room

i hold back
t e a r s
but they fall anyway

now i am
a l l  a l o n e
but i cant get the tears to come out

i want to
c r y
but i cant
not at all

Turns out
Crystal clear
Might not be as clear as we think

I look through glass
And I see a warped version of you
A twisted version of the person I once loved

I look through quartz
And I see a kind person
Someone who cares
Someone who loves.
That's not who you are.

I can see for myself.
I don't need any crystals that manipulate me into thinking you are good.
You're not.
Leave me alone.

there's no such thing as cupid
just an electrician
who makes the spark between two parts
and lets them fan the flame
cupid my ***

there's no such thing as cupid
there's no such thing as fate
there's no such thing as love at first sight
there's no way to open the gate
cupid my ***

just randomness
two people that meet in the abyss and sometimes manage to make it work...
cupid my ***

Hello friends! Me and my friend Eternity have made a discord server for the Hello Poetry community. We would love for you to join us!!! My name is Your Sleep Paralysis Demon, (such a cool name right?) And here is the link:
https://discord.gg/4Vdfty5d
When (if) you join, please introduce yourself with your Hello Poetry name and preferred pronouns!!! Thank you!
(For context, ice spice is Eternity)

Dont call me trans masc
When ive always been a boy

don't cry
when i die.
crying over me
is just as useful
as crying over spilled milk.

Don't leave me all alone, don't drag me
Over the coals
No way i will let you die
To just sit there, plan gone awry

Leaves fall. you left me.
Ever will i feel happy again?
And you didn't even say goodbye
Vacuum ****** up everything i loved
Even to your friend.

Do you ever
Look at a blade
And think
"Well... that belongs across my throat."?
Do you ever
Look at a bottle of pills
And think
"I should take them all."?

Because I sure as hell do

i think i'm drowning
because i can't breathe
weights tied to my feet
making me sink
sink
sink
deeper into the unknown

i think i'm drowning
because i need a way to stay afloat
no way to breathe
pressure
pressure
surrounding me

i think i'm drowning
because i feel wet sand
beneath my toes
it's all dark
pitch black
all alone
my ears are popping

i think i'm drowning
because i am being choked
by the weight
of all my burdens
my
burdens
i
am
a
burden

i think i'm drowning
because i've reached rock bottom
i'm in the deep end
of the ocean
but nobody cares

i think i'm drowning
but i don't really care
at all
anymore...

Waiting for the worst
Because in 8 days
They will come
The family
The elders
I think people need to stop saying
"Respect your elders."
Because why should i respect them
If they don't respect me

Respect is earned
Not demanded
So maybe
You should stop calling me she
Or transphobic comments
And start treating me like the grandson i am

Grandpa addicted to cannabis
Grandma addicted to alchohol
Their garage reaks if sadness
I think the reason they do this to themselves
Is because they might hate me for who i am
But I think they hate themselves more

I am not
Emo
I am
Depressed
There is
And always will be
A difference

Empty words
Never mean anything
"I love you"
Means nothing when they don't show it

Empty words
Are useless words
Because actions
Speak louder than words

Empty words
Are worthless words
Because heavy words
Will always be more meaningful
Than weightless ones.

Trust me on this

i dont know
if im going through a depressive episode
a suicidal episode
a dissociative episode
a derealization episode
a depersonalization episode
a psychotic episode
a sociopathic episode
or something else
but something is definitely wrong

eyes watch in the dark
paranoia; always there
heart stops with each glance

My eye is twitching always
It didn't before
I wonder if something changed