“Ok” says the shy kid
To a block of text of advice
That won’t ever break the barrier in his head.
He's got those sky blue eyes
And a deep rooted soul
With a wide fake smile
And compassion,
But he doesn't say much,
If he says anything at all,
And he looks like he’s forgotten,
So I asked him,
“Are you okay?”
He just smiled,
And so I asked him,
I asked him,
“Are you okay?”
And he responded with an endless stream
Of messages that were carved in deep
About how he knows he's not good enough
And about the lies he receives
That he believes
Because he's shy,
And I wonder ******* why,
And he explained the abuse he gets at home
From a caring father
Who screams and breaks
Any fortitude within
The shy kids brain,
So I got to school early the next day,
The next day,
The next week,
And he told me
He told me suicide
Was a way to escape
The awful lies, words, name and hate,
And I cried for him to stay;
I cried his name,
But he secluded himself to the point of scarcity
And concerned me until
I had to tell somebody
Because I couldn’t lose the shy kid
Even if I broke his trust.
He told me of a caring father who cared about grades
Instead of headspace, nor thoughts,
Or mental health at all,
Just a punching bag for words
To exhale the stress of his work,
Supplanting all trust and love, in his child,
With desperation cries in hate;
I cried his name.
I cried his name.
“Ok” says the shy kid,
Who doesn’t know what he wants to be
Or what he wants to do with his life,
And so I’d spend every waking moment of the day
Trying to convince him that he was good enough for me
Enough to stay, in this place,
Even though it is really all hell and pain,
And he went quiet,
And then I realized I untracked his train
That headed past the barricade
The one time of day
Where he could get away.
And I asked him, “what’s wrong?”
Already unhinging the train, I thought
I should be there to dull the havoc I caused,
And so I asked him, “what's wrong?”
And he typed,
He typed,
“I’m such a disappointment
A disgrace, an imperfection
Not even wanted,
Just replaced so easily my name
With words outpouring
Digging in through my skin
Parasitic in my veins,”
He said “can you help me?”
“Can you help me?”
I said, “idk”
“Can you help me?”
I said, “idk”
He said “it's fine, I'm fine”
He said he's fine,
But now I’m sure he was thinking
That it was fine
That his friend didn't have time
To hear about how the wind
Was nearly blowing him from the edge
And it wasn’t but a breeze
Blowing light
He said he’s fine,
And now I'm sure he was thinking
That it’s fine living in hell on earth
When wherever you walk is burning
So you can't tell the difference between
Compliments and insults
Because they all feel the same
When all you hear at home
Is taxidermied words
That fake life or meaning
And are just a coping method
For a caring father
To give the shy kid
Instant appraisal out of anger and screaming,
while at school you hear popular girls
Laughing at your reactions to their words,
How can you tell?
How can you tell when the the basis of the day
Is verbal abuse, school, and bad grades?
I wonder if you’re doing okay
Just thinking of the day
I laid in the snow
Wishing myself away
I wonder if you’re doing okay
Just thinking of the day
I laid in the snow
Wishing myself away
And cried his name.
144 lines, 336 days left.