Numb fingers grip a cold metal **** and turn
Numb legs shuffle numb feet through the doorway
The cold world sends a gust
Like an archer taking one last shot at fleeing prey
But all the cold is a memory
Once I enter the warmth of your arms
When I can lay my head in your lap
And be blanketed with love and reassurance
You’ve made yourself my home
The pillow I can rest my head on when I’m exhausted
But you can’t let me sleep forever.

The cold used to shock me
Intense and unrelenting
I could use the shock to drive me
To run or light fires
I used to want to fix it
And the cold made me better
But now my body’s adapted
And escape is only a message away

Now I’m stuck in a blizzard I’ve let develop
In a cold that will eventually **** me
But I’m too numb to do anything anymore
With guilt, I turn to you to ask more than I deserve

You just wanted to be my comfy place
My escape from the cold
But I’m asking you to be a rock
Be something I can lean on for support
Be something that pushes me forward
Break me out of this numbness
Make me fight the cold again
So that this blizzard with dissolve
Love me in a way that doesn’t feel like loving to you.

A fleeting moment passes staring into the darkness
With an impulse procrastination
That has defined the past week
Or has it been a month?
So long that guilt presses against the wall
As the toss of another empty water bottle
Hits the floor.
Unbeknownst is the reality
That the room has become a physical embodiment
Of the headspace lived in.
Staring some nights
At the darkness
Because it’s easier than shining a light
And cleaning up this week’s mess.
Maybe you feel that you don’t deserve
To have a clean room
Because of a voice reminding you
Of all of them you couldn’t help.
How do you deserve a clean room,
When you can’t help anyone?
But you must know
That the glass can only build so much pressure
Before the shatter
And the glass can only pour so much
Before it runs out of itself.
You must know
That cleaning your room
Creates more space to fill with something else;
How can you help someone
If your glass is empty
And the pressure continues to pile on?
How can you change the world
If you can’t even clean your room?

I miss waking up with the sun
And not worrying about a thing
The only thing on my mind
Was what games I might play that day
And it was fine
I had nothing and no one
To be responsible for
Just make sure that all of my toys
End up in the chest
And my bed is made every morning

I miss when twenty dollars
Felt like all the money in the world
And for me it was
It was enough for all I wanted
I miss only having wants
Never worrying about needs

Life was just so simple.

someone pressed a button
now all the lights are off but one
a red one blinking steadily
warning of the self destruction that's to come
the backup power moves my body
but even at full strength it was a losing battle
one last breath before my head goes under
and I'm swept away cause I don't want to paddle

I've had a string of nightmares
All following a theme
The kind that speaks to truths
That live outside of my dreams
They show me sudden twists
Tragedy, this horror's name
In instants how all life can leave
How all light can leave the brain

Tonight's dream, I was surrounded with friends. We parked in a remote spot surrounded by thick trees. Tall brown trunks extending upward, dark green vines and moss descend from the hidden ceiling, and dead leaves cover the ground in shades of green, yellow, orange, and brown, hiding thick roots we try not to trip over.

In the distance as we push through the forest with enthusiasm, I begin to hear the soft fluctuating static of waves crashing onto a sandy shore somewhere beyond the trees. My dreaming mind made no words, but I remember the conversations clearly for how they made me feel. I loved this group. I felt we had gone through a great deal of time together, and despite recognizing no faces, they all felt so familiar and so dear to me.

Almost all at once the leafy ground turned to sand. We had reached the beach we were headed for, and grey skies extended to the horizon over dark bluish green waters. This part of the dream is hazy. We quickly got into the water, but they pressured me to swim deeper. Rather than be alone or hold them back, I swam out, but my heart sunk looking down. Something about not being able to see the floor filled me with panic... so I kept my eyes on my friends and eventually we went back to shore.

Now I remember something strange. A feeling of deja vu. A feeling that I had had this dream before, and that something bad was about to happen.. but the four of us were so happy. Someone I felt was my best friend, another I felt I was in love with, and the last someone we all cherished equally, the smallest of the group.

We walked back into the forest, this time on a path. The spirit of adventure filled all of us, and we couldn't help but run along it, embracing the forest as a playground we had to ourselves. At one point I remember climbing a tree, as the one I loved climbed one near me. As we ascended, suddenly my stomach dropped again, and I was filled with dread. The world froze.

I recognized it. This was it. I remembered her face from when I dreamed this before. The angle I was looking at her from. Her next move would destroy her balance and send her falling.. a fall she'd never get back up from. I yelled for my best friend as time resumed, and he ran to just below us. I looked at his face looking up with concern, and felt momentarily relieved that maybe I could change this outcome.. momentarily..

In an instant my love was falling, and I felt my heart stop with anticipation.. she fell onto him.. he tried to catch her.. but when they collided there was a sickening crack. She slowly got up, but then began to scream, as we both took in what was happening. My best friend lay there motionless, except for his eyes. He attempted to speak some words.. but I knew he had no control of his lungs. He couldn't even look at me.. even though I knew he was trying.. and after some seconds of agony.. he evaporated into glimmering golden specs of dust. Everything that made him him was gone.. what was left was a corpse.

The horror of that moment woke me
And I was glad it was only a dream
But even though it never really happened
I still remember the horrible sights and sounds of that scene
What a terrible tragedy
To be robbed of crucial time
To come to terms that somebody's leaving
And instead have to jump to the end of the line

The worst of all might be having no enemy to blame.. the final grain from the hourglass.. fell from an accident.. a tragedy.

A steady downpour will hide the tears that never shed
The winding road has many that cross it

My eyes part the streams like stones
Waiting to be eroded away

There’s more of a forest fire in a teardrop
Than the depths of my eyes have ever sparked.

Only gray skies and used lips left
For those few who ever venture here.

Overcast pale skin and used up lips
Tarnish further when hope lights its fire

Someone dig it from my chest to bring color to my skin
Until the forest fires fail to pass on as I do.

Everyone is broken
Having something filed away
That no words
Or comfortable place can eliminate
The detriment and the weight;
Have some compassion,
Some empathy,
For your eyes alone
Aren’t through which
Seen are all things,
Don’t close yourself off,
Open wide,
For there are many different perspectives
And many sets of eyes.

In this life
So much darkness
Death
Sadness
I leave my house in the morning
On my way to work
When I’m there
And when I come back
I see broken people
Isolated from themselves to be more marketable
Isolated from loved ones by the impermeable barrier of death
Even the best steel masks society has on display
Show signs of chipping and decay

Everything runs on money in the adult world
You sell your soul to the highest bidder
And hope it’s enough to get a little bit of comfort
For some they hope it’s enough to survive
It’s disgraceful to call it hope
The truth is desperation
The truth of the world built before we were born
Before I could see your face with a few taps of the screen
And know that everybody was human like me
Keeping the voices and faces out of sight
The human world was built greedy and impersonal

But amidst greed’s victims and victors
In an isolated pocket
You live in your own world
Pets don’t worry about money
Children haven’t had the value of money or objects ingrained into their minds
Consciousness free from the worries and burden of the state of things
Allows for a purity few that grow up can understand or possess..
But this wicked world takes everything..
Imagine what the world might be if we could break free of the tradition of greed..
Stop treating each other as property.. As tools..
I get a glimpse every time I see this purity and think..
The world, as it is, doesn’t deserve you.

Sometimes I have gay thoughts
So you could say I got a fruity brain
If I sat too long and got a pressure ulcer
I guess you’d call that ***** pain
I only hit 360 no-scope headshots
When I play that Call of Duty game
I think about food 14 hours a day
I guess it’s just a foodie thang

I missed you again today
I took a step forward
While you took a step back
You saw and went to meet me
But I was already changing course
It's so frustrating..
The days we're out of sync
That end with questions unanswered

I missed another text today
A friend came by to check in
I just wasn't paying attention
And left you standing at the door
Left you staring at the word “delivered"
While I space out
Staring at an empty wall

Why is it so easy sometimes
To know exactly what everyone's thinking
And so ******* days like today
Where I feel completely disconnected
The answers are written on the faces
That I can't read or never see
I hope it's just a phase

Days like today leave me afraid

That I'm losing my humanity.

Skin and bones
You reach for my hand
But you can't stop shaking
Your ribs are showing now
And I'll kiss them gently
To flood your brain with those feelings
The chemicals that make you forget
About the hair you watched circle the drain
And the tears in your eyes when you looked in the mirror
To fill your heart with a lust for living again
Stay alive until our next kiss, darling
And the next.. and the next..

In two weeks, half the year will be gone
Half of our one year together
The time still ahead feels so long
But the time already past so short
Can they really be the same length?
The wax is halfway melted now
So remember the smell
And enjoy the sight of our dancing flame
Dancing carelessly
Because if our wick runs out regardless
I want to put on a show before all that’s left
Is the wafting smoke of a burned-out candle

Fighting's too much work
The punches keep coming
No matter how many I dodge
So I'm learning to take the hits on my chin
Let it happen
And keep moving

I hope you feel like a big strong man
When you only pick the fights you know you can win
Only for the sake of beating somebody else
In your world it’s tactics
But in mine it’s cowardice
If an advantage is an advantage
And that’s all that matters
Don’t cry foul when karma’s work is carried out
And the big strong manly hunter is reduced to helpless prey

Existential horror
Trapped in a loop
You’d become centered again
Only to ask me the same question again
“What happened to me?”
And I must give you the same answer
“You were in an accident”
This is the world I live in
Of horrible pathologies
But for those who love you
It was an overwhelming terror
And an ever deepening sadness
Every time you asked who they were
The son you raised
And the wife who raised him with you
Every bit of you taken
You can’t even remember who you are
By the time you think to ask
You’re back at square one
Until you never return to us
Your brain keeps your heart beating
And your lungs expanding
Just a little longer
And though you’re gone now
I take comfort in the fact
That there is no mind to suffer anymore

Is a life worth living
If I only live to keep on living
To see another sunrise
But reject the many pleasures
That don't come free
After all, as my shadow grows longer
With the light behind my eyes
Slowly setting
Setting the sky of my mind on fire
With beautiful colors
That signal of my brain's decaying
My body starts to slow and ache
As everyone I know dies off
Because I chose to live for living's sake..

But is it any better
To live for life's pleasures
To trade a rusty *****
For an excavator
And accelerate the digging of my grave
A life that's short but full
Of tastes and experiences
To become a smiling gluttonous corpse
Spending every future sunrise I had
For instant gratification
For the joy
Of never having to tell myself no
Escape the fate of a long burning, dim star
To be a shooting one
Shining bright but only for a moment

You hurt me today.
With a tongue that's sharp
Aimed directly at my throat
You tore away at the concepts of who I am

You don't know it though.
I'm still the same little boy
That you sent off to college
An obedient copy with no mind of my own

I used to laugh too,
Making fun of the people you hated,
But it wasn't really the people,
Only mere caricatures.

You've never taken the time
To speak to us
Only heard about our wickedness
From others who don't know us

I guess it's hard to blame you
It's easier to hate what you don't understand
It's easier to hate when you pretend what you're attacking
Isn't as human as you are.. isn't it?

It's easy when you're attacking an umbrella
Stick all of your fears onto it
Put people you've never spoken to
Into a box of evil, so you have an excuse not to listen.

You wonder why I've been so quiet
The past few years
Well the truth is you've already said you hate me
You just don't know it's me you hate yet.

I’ve never been close
To anyone I’ve ever loved;
Always they are miles away
Geographically
Or miles from my heart.
They may have loved me
One point long since passed,
But cradling in my hands,
Their face before kissing
Is no longer allowed.

I miss the stonehenge bridges
We built that I crossed;
I miss the way
Niagara phased me
Not so as your eyes did
Lying beneath a sunsetting sky.
But just because I might have
Felt your lips brush against mine
Doesn’t mean we were truly close.

And just because I've seen pictures
Doesn't mean I’ve really seen anything.
Because a picture
Is nothing compared to seeing
Not through the eye of a camera,
But with your own.
Closeness is defined
By the hearts willingness
To be let seen, and not confined
To the depths.

And no heart
Has been so willing to be held
As I have made mine,
And I wonder
If there ever will
Be such one to find.
And I can't help but feel
As though the vessel
Beneath my chest
That beats only for so much longer,
Was misdesigned.

"It doesn't matter what we make as long as we make something"

(Tomorrow will be better)

I wish it were sad to see you go,
But the hatred I hold in my fists
And the swelling need
For this bottle to burst
In your face makes it hard
To not wish you left right away
Without putting in your 2-weeks.
2 more weeks to waste my time
Steal from the company
Make future relationships
For you to cheat on your husband

You always quit before people can fire you,
And I hope since your husband is the one
Who will hire you, you’ll show him no more
Respect than you show me,
And you’ll finally go **** your friend
That you always rant to me about.

I can’t stand it any more.

How does it feel to stand alone?

With nothing but a stem
And a bud unbloomed,
You are cast in shadow
By the mist
Of the tall trees
That outshine you.

The sun finds them,
Doesn’t even acknowledge you,
Even though those trees
Are the reason for the shade
In which you uphold your residence.

It wasn’t something that was wished
It was given,
But not all presents received
Have much thought,
But the mind accepts them
Because it’s better than receiving nothing.

Gifts of putting you down
In an attempt to make it harder for you to grow,
Wanting you to be exactly what they want,
And never what you deserve to be.

Animalistic men pry and **** you
To drag you into the dirt
With the rest,
Because we are all slaves to attention,
And I’m ashamed to tell you,
Sometimes that’s all you’ll get.

But you should know,
You aren’t like them;
Trying to grow tall,
So that the sun can see you
Isn’t what you need,
It’s what they made you believe.

You are a flower,
Soft and sweet,
Juxtaposing the rough
Trees that try to outshine,
But they know deep down,
They aren’t made like you.

A flower
Doesn’t need the sunshine
To illuminate the darkness around
And to warm the ground enough
That not even the snow falling from their branches
Could make it wilt.

And you are one such flower,
If you decide to be,
But I wonder how it feels to stand betwixt
Such an undeserving crowd--
I wonder how it feels to stand alone,
And I question whether you’ll be so bold
Or if you’ll hide your wonderful bloom
From the world;

I hope you’ll find
The self-acceptance and trust within
To show them what you are made of
Because what you deserve is better
Than what is given.

Why do I let you steal my sleep,
With tattooed memories of
Your eyes before you kissed me,
Or the way your breathing felt,
When my lips could feel
Your intendedly loud exhales
Against your throat?

You’ve stolen my will to dream.
I just pull at my hair,
And burn my arms
With streaks of red  
From fingernails scratching
Away my skin,
To appease the temptation,
To ignite my masochistic tendencies.

I am scattered as a vase,
Let from fingertips,
Whose will was promised strong,
And fidelity was faked.

I’m nothing but a train
Wailing the horns
With no brakes,
My memories of you are replaced with scorn,
Opposing my heart--
Too stubborn to be convinced
Of your lies.

I’m sputtering, with a loving
Heart that never predicted
This path to take.
I have nothing to say.
You had a lot of firsts in my book,
But never would I have thought
You’d be the first I erased.

Honesty was a trait I once admired
Within you, but now,
I wish your hypocrisy
Was hidden from the light;
The smoking gun you handed me, yourself,
I wish you kept it out of sight.
Why must I be forever scarred
Knowing the one I loved,
Shot me in the heart?

Why does despair hold me tighter,
Than your words or the touch of skin?
Fall witness to your impiety, pray,
And victimize the weight of your sin
And be forgiven.

For the grudge I hold might beg of me,
In my own impiety,
Onto my knees, praying, myself, that you won’t be,
But cursed are we who think,
Any control is given within clasping hands,
And narrow teeth;
Cursed are we,
Who speak
From the backseat,
On revenge’s itinerary.

Who knew
Feeling so fine
Could be so frustrating

Writing has been therapy
A mode of self expression
On my worst days
I can let out all the sadness
And all the rage
Put them into words
Fill another page
But what do I do when everything’s fine?

As artists we strain to capture things
Feelings or descriptions of events
Meticulously obsessing over every detail
So that when you hear that soaring melody
After the dissonance resolves
And your eye catches the little details
Painted in so carefully
And the words like bricks
Build up the image of our mind’s musings
You get it.
It resonates with you.
But what is there to do
When nothing is breaking my heart
Nothing is making me happy or angry
My mind is devoid of curious thoughts
Only filled with contentment

I can’t help feeling
I took those painful nights for granted
Where I cried myself to sleep
Just wishing something would change
Because now I’ve gotten so efficient
At describing the pain
That I’m lost on a day that’s just fine


Seven-thousand words,
And a shining moon in the sky,
Waxing and waning the nights away,
The well has been drained for so long
Every poem so raw,
Unfinished, sparking at the first idea
That lets the stem spread
From the seed.

Today is unusually mundane,
And nothing seems to find a place on the page,
Since nothing seems short of fine.
Who knew that the night could be so peaceful
All alone riding these waves,
With no cloud blocking the stars in the sky
Who knew that the weight carried
Would pile on
Until floating here in the middle
Didn’t feel so difficult all of a sudden,

The pages turn,
The days pass on,
And the weight slowly gets lifted off,
But where do you turn when there’s nothing left
To be said?
Where do you turn,
When the wind doesn’t set the sail
In any particular direction,
And the sun sets a moderate temp?

Trouble and turmoil
Makes the story more engaging,
But the truth is in the calm waves
And the cloudless sky,
Giving a sense of peace
Not found so often;
I’m not sure if it’s worth a lie
To engage more to read,
When I’d rather think about
The gentle breeze
And clear sky.

It’s like a bomb going off,
All you can do
Is admire from a distance
At the pinnacle of mankind’s
Mode to self destruction
And either go crazy
Trying to survive the coming wave,
Or sit there waiting
To be buried
By the steady increase
Of the coming sound.

Two people met,
Took a chance,
Fell in love,
Had children.

This cycle repeated,
From the origins of the human species,
Until it was my parents’ turn,
And they had me on a day of a year,
In a hospital in a town,

They left that town,
Left the next,
And the next,
Just happened to end up
Somewhere that I’d learn
About the college I go to now.

I met people along the way,
With each random collision,
I was shaped into who I am today.

Who would I be,
If i was born just a day sooner or later?
In the next town over?
Into the family in the other hospital room?
Met just one fewer person along the way?

Would I still have met you?

There’s billions of people on this small blue planet,
What’s so special about one grain of sand,
On a beach with trillions indistinguishable?

I believe in no intention behind it,
But so many things happened,
To lead that grain of sand,
Being where it was,
To be picked up by you.

So on this planet of billions,
When I think about how lucky I’d need to be to meet you,
And how even luckier I am to be called yours,
I can’t help but be crushed by the weight of our improbability,
And feel all the luck that put you in my arms.

I woke up breathless and gasping
My heartbeats almost too fast to count
Even my dreams now
Are riddled with anxiety
Like blood dispersing through clear water
The blackness swirls elegantly
Spreading gently to every part of me
To lie in wait
Until the stress comes
And when it does
The inky blackness that settled gently
Into my muscles and bones
Contracts all at once
Locking me in place
Squeezing the air out of my lungs
Accelerating my heart towards burnout
Setting my mind on fire
Until I can't focus to have a single thought
And dissolve into panic

It's days like these
That make me wish I was bored again.

A tear runs down their face
Falling like a drop of blood
Into a pool of sharks
The fruit is still only maturing
But the monsters fully grown
Won’t wait for it to fall from the tree
You’re so mature for your age
You have a pretty young woman’s face
The boys your age don’t know
How to appreciate a beauty like yours

Silver-tongued devils roam the halls of the church
It couldn’t happen here
Somewhere so sacred and secure
But such places draw the vulnerable and trusting
How could cannibals like them resist
The urge to prey on those who pray so desperately

In the halls of the school
The young are ****** into the final phase
The final ascent to adulthood
The steps will get you there eventually
But there are many with a taste for young blood
Who would be happy to show you the elevator

Upperclassmen, Teachers, Pastors, Family and Family Friends
Those who have positions of power
The trusted and respected
How could I speak out
What risk would that bring me
What if no one believes me....

Monsters, cannibals, zombies, vampires
All fictional to the rest
But for many these evil beings
Are as real as the heart beating in your chest

The worst of it is, they’re told to keep quiet. This could ruin somebody’s life. Without acknowledging that it already has, and that who they’re protecting is the antagonist. I hope you have trouble sleeping tonight. I hope you trust the locks on your doors. Because you’ve caused some to lose the ability to trust at all, and you go on living without remorse. If your only fear is of being caught, or you try to justify what you’ve done. Then I’ll have as little remorse, when the time for reckoning comes. No longer will we tolerate a society that keeps your names and faces safe. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but you’re not dealing with anyone as self-righteous as yourself.

An image tells not of the experience.
A tree in the forest
With the proper exposure
Can draw people to stare,
But the point is missed.

The ones staring
Are in awe
Of someone else’s experience,
And are too comfortable,
In their current state-of-mind,
To face nature’s posture for
Themselves.

We’d rather just live secondhand,
Than live in the moment,
But an image tells not of the experience.

Should I fear the sunset
At daybreak?
Should I be numb?
Or should I gild a mask
And live out the rest
As though
Acknowledgement
Of the bell toll slipped
And pretend.

One day
Has through been marked
And life goes on.
No beginning
Can avoid the end
And certainly
Not one such as I,
I’m a piece of the puzzle
A star to blaze
In the night.

The only question on my mind--
Will that blaze carry on
Through the night sky
Careen through
And outshine
Andromeda,
For galaxies
From millions away
To be awe-inspired
And unite if only for a moment,
Or will it be snuffed out
Only to be left
In the memory of few.

And we rest at the standstill
As life’s colors fade
Bring me an endless paralyze
Against the willow
Amixt the green grass
In the forest deep
With no thoughts more to venture
And no hopeless dreams.

Dissect the place I buried in my head
That I continuously dig up
To bury myself in its stead.
Relinquishing me
Blueprints for burdens
Awaiting construction.
The puzzle has been flipped
So that the pieces all look the same,
There’s no chance.

Bury me by the dock
Beside the willow,
The only friend I have left.
Amixt the green grass
In the forest,
That drains its colors
At the moment
Of my death.

Maybe we won’t last forever,
But we wouldn’t know unless we tried.
Forever’s out of reach anyways,
‘Cause eventually somebody dies.

We know that our road is finite,
Everybody else’s is too,
But just because it’s not forever,
Doesn’t take away the value of every step with you.

In fact,

Doesn’t it make it all the more valuable?
I think it’s beautiful to have the gift of time,
And to give it to somebody special.
It’s the rarest treasure, and I want to give you mine.

And for the record,

I would never be upset,
Even if you decided to walk away;
I know the worth of memories,
It’s how dead people live, as long as they stay.

Just because one of us got burned
Or burned out, doesn’t change;
Every good time still happened,
And I will look back on them the same.

So in the end,

Maybe it won’t be everything,

But it will be something,

That if you mean it,

Will mean everything to me.

A winter chill
Fogs from your mouth,
Dissipating after a brief moment,
While the sound
Echoes
From soft lips
And closed eyes,
Allowing your sense of touch
To be your mind’s only focus.

A lost art
You’ve come to appreciate,
Flows through you
In the night.
Goosebumps roughen skin,
As a chill runs along your back
From the breeze.

Your button-down curtains
Have opened up,
And the moon's gaze
Is the only entity
To be witness
To such a sight.

The letters
Fingertips write
Across bare skin,
Drives a longing
Towards the edge of sanity's cliff side;
I wonder if you’d trust the fall,
Letting the breeze
Wander further down below.

I wonder if you enjoy the wind at all,
From kissing lips,
Paving a road
To destinations unknown,
Or animalistic eyes
Smiling up,
Locking this moment
Within the iris,
Craving your love.

Desperation
Is a bitter smell
That clouds the mind
With illusion and mystery,
But I wonder how
It could make
That smile of yours
Unfold.

I wonder if you want to boil over,
Or if you want to be still,
Stay blush from
This winter chill,

Staying safe,
Keeping the temptation
From leaving your embrace,
And hold tight
The drum
That beats wishing,
And be atlas-stone cold,
With a spark
Blown out
By the winter chill.

I came into the world
Covered in slimy filth
I was given a name
My hair and my eyes
Already their gene appointed color
But it seems that nothing about me
Would shape my future more
Than what was or wasn't between my legs

I will always be a male by ***
But gender was assumed
Assigned because nobody knew better
A sign of the times I was born into
But as the world changed
New parts of my mind
Were opened and now I see differently

*** determined organs
And ****** functions
The rate of my growth
Tweaked hormones and such
Made me predisposed to conditions
Purely biological,
My ***

My gender however,
Determined how I was treated
Came with social implications
Of how I should act
Often split me from other humans...

I was given different advice
Held to different expectations
My role in a marriage
Other strange implications...

But   why ?

Not why genders have rules
But why genders at all
It bothers me the differences
Made by the pronouns you're called

I was born with a *****
I was born with a ******
But I don't feel like a man
I don't feel like a woman

These labels are arbitrary
And I long to be free of them
Why must I be man or woman
I just want to be person


I believe my consciousness is without gender.
I'm just a person. That's it.


This experience - is gender apathy.

Wringing out a cloth
Of blood tinged indescribable,
Will you accept the loss you’ve gained
Are you scraped within the shadow?

Life is springing from that material
As though the one who lost,
Has made a new
Through the stains
That will never be completely flushed.

Color will be reimposed,
Washed will be the hands riddled with red,
Deep breaths will be regained
After the brutal adrenaline subsides,
But the memory of the sanity lost
From such an impulsive enclosure
Proliferates rancid transcendence
Within your lungs.

Will you be able to live with what you’ve done?
Are you lost to the silence
Ringing in the blood flow
That cannot be unimprinted?
Your hands too cold to feel
Your blood too clotted to boil into an outpour
To let a scream reach inside
To unrestrain your throat.
No way you’ll endure
You’re just a second
From realising taking a life
Isn’t something revenge restores
And the punishment is written in your eyes
I wonder if you’ll keep them closed.

What a waste of my eyes,
To see the mundane
Without realizing
That life is slipping away
Into routine.

What a waste of my hearing,
To know that I have talents
That are feeding nothing
Except the same playlists
And artists.

What a waste of my touch,
To type
Instead of feel what it means
To take a risk
In real life.

What a waste of my scent
To smell trash on counters I left,
Never getting lost in
The perfume of nature;
Never truly breathing life in.

What a waste of my pallet,
To sit here dreaming
Instead of kissing lips
That I know I want nothing more
Than to taste.

I wonder if you’ll let me see
What it means to fall with only a whisper
And feel the scent of blueberry wine
On my tongue and lips,

I wonder...

Can’t wait for the sun
Can’t wait for good rain
We’re pulling fruit off the tree early
Just to get something on the table today
I wish I had the time to let these thoughts grow
But this year demands it’s daily tribute
And so we will bring an offering
Of what we can manage to grow in a day
And mourn the loss
Of things that could have been so beautiful

I now see
I've traded in the body
Of a brilliant and limitless child
For one of another corporate servant
Who needs your own will
When you can make yourself
So marketable

I see you over there
Staring at the floor
Behind your eyes
I can see that you want more
You know what it is
What you’re looking for
But dreams are hard to chase
And they’re easy to ignore

So you keep your head down
So your feet don’t leave that floor
Cause there’s no chance of falling
If you never try to soar
But does the pain of knowing
What you could do
Ever go away
When you pretend that you don’t want it
Is it any easier that way

You can tell your feet
To leave the ground
Take a deep breath
And ignore the sound
Of the doubts inside your head
That are keeping you down
Do it now

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Your body’s heavy  
And it’s a battle just to breathe
So where could you ever find the strength
To even try to leave
Take a long look inside
Don’t leave the dreaming for your bed
The fire inside you will burn
Until you give up or you’re dead

Stillness is the surest sign
That you’ve lost sense of your will
It may be small in the beginning
But in time it’s strong enough to ****
You can move your body
With a soul that’s stuck in place
And it’s easy to lose sight of the point
When you learn that all will be erased

So what if nothing here
Means anything
If you find something
That means everything to you
A reason for living
A purpose you give yourself
Chase it now.

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Just hang in there
You’ve only a moment to shine
You can’t impact everybody’s life
But you’ve impacted mine
You’ve made the one small speck of time I have
So much better
I’ll remember you forever
Even though my forever has an end
It made my everything
Just to know you, friend.

I am winter,
Breeze, chill
Cold.
Brushing through
Trees fingertips
Killing
With every kiss I blow.

I am the water,
Pouring into hot oil,
Burning and tainting
Skin that immediately regrets
Holding.

I am the void
In your heart
You cannot ignore,
Giving false hopes
To drive you further
Beyond even trying.

Breathe into me,
And give me life.
I am the shadow
You call your friend
When you lie down your head
Unto empty sheets
And your single pillow.

Maybe you will hate me,
Maybe you will hold on,
But I will always be a part of you,
For I am your creation after all.

Fireworks explode in the distance
Cheers and toasts
Shared with friends, families, and strangers.
We laugh and sing
To celebrate the coming of a new year.
But how many of us are celebrating
For our last time?
How many will fall
Before the ball drops
In Times Square again?
What would change
If you knew you wouldn’t see it?

We live our lives
With a pretense
That death is far
From sewing us into the fabric of time,
But what if that final moment
Comes sooner than expected?
And what changes to your life
Would you make
To not allow yourself to fall
Into the mundaneness
Of everyday life
That you take for granted?

I guess there’s never a right time;
Maybe it’s always too soon.
Can we ever love life enough?--
All I know is that we can try.
After catching a glimpse of the sand falling
Of our hourglass’s bottom half growing fuller
We can only run from death so long,
So I’d rather spend my time
Making the world know,
Letting you know,
I existed,
And I cherished the time I had.

So will you remember that we existed,
And walk this path alongside,
Or will we be lost to the shoreline
For the waves to gather
Grains of sand
From our broken hourglass
To be lost in the crowd
Of sands of ancestors,
Pulled into oblivion
Without a wave of goodbye?

There’s been damage
Another crack in the wall of trust we built together

There’s writing on it now
Telling tales of future betrayal
And panicked thoughts
Fill my head
Telling me to either fortify or run away

And what do you do in response?

“I’m sorry”

A bandaid on a dam about to burst
Not even that
Because you still hold the hammer
That you took to our wall
Trying to tell me you’ve dropped it
While tightening your grip

“It’s okay”

My response creates a cloud
Now communication is severed
And we’re only exchanging pleasantries
To keep up a veil
A large but thin cloth
In the place our wall stood
So I don’t see you build your arsenal
While I build new walls and retreat

*******.
For keeping sweet music in my ears
Performing sleight of hand to distract me
Telling me sweet and beautiful lies

I wanted to believe you
But my eyes fell from your lips this time
To your knuckles growing pale
Telling of a coming attack
While your mouth told of retreat

By the time you hear this I’ll be far away
Or maybe right behind your back
Was my retreat a setup for me to someday go on the attack?
I’ll let that burn inside you so you know how the paranoia feels
And if I ever get revenge.. I guess I can only say “I’m sorry”

Of all the scars
Amassed from misadventures many
Beside the ones I'm proud to have survived
And the ones I've humbly taken a lesson from
There is one scar I can't bear to see
A small scratch of a scar
But it's being so mild that drives me crazy.

This scar was created
By separation from someone
Who I once tried to be one with
Yet it is not the fact they left
That covers my taste buds in bitterness when I recall
But the fact that they only left

It's a small scar
And should've disappeared by now
But I can't keep myself
From reopening it to keep the pain fresh
In hopes that feeling some small pain
Over and over
May someday satisfy my desire to be punished

They left me with this scar
But I left them with many more
The deepest kind that comes from trusting
From believing in me
Before I believed in myself
And I betrayed this trust
This belief

Not once.
Not twice.
I left you with three deep cuts.

In moments of apathy
I lost sight of what you meant to me
I lost sight of everything
And with the will to live resigned
I told myself you deserved better
As if I had any say
A naive ******* and a child.

I hid behind these excuses
Believing I was a victim of my sickness
To deny responsibility
And whether because of exhaustion
Or some small part of you that still believed
I was granted a pardon
You would only leave and nothing more

But now that I've chosen to shoulder the blame I deserve
I'm sick to see this small scar is all I have
For all I've done to you
But maybe the punishment I want now
Is not the one I deserve.
Maybe this is justice
To ever so slowly burn.

It’s hard to appreciate a day like today
Where my head is forced from the pillow
By stress flooding my body
My responsibilities dragging me
From the comfort of my blanket
And then I work myself to exhaustion
How can I find myself worthy of my life
If I don’t consistently go all out

But what makes a day like today
Even more of a challenge
To appreciate and get through
And not wish away or waste
Is that it’s a day that stands
Between where I am
And where I want to be
Beside you again
I try to tell myself
All time is so precious
But I can’t help feeling
That in comparison
This time is worth less
Than the time I spend with you

My eyelids wane like a raging
Sun strewn across
An unexpecting moon’s surface
To be viewed
From the thin slice of this desolate
Bitter blue planet.

Given a phase
By the uncomfortable
So that 28 days were easier understood,
And when eclipses flair,
Screaming across the sky,
We predict
So that schedules are constructed,
Making safe the unstable.

Writing a soft chill
When the dark side
Is the point of complexion shining
And we give labels
And names
To block out our
Primal fear
Of being so far away
And so forgotten to the stars.

The waxing and waning moon
In the sky residing,
Has no phases to itself,
Its rotation is not
But an orbit around our world.
Blame it on the moon,
But the moon never changes
Unlike these eyes
Eclipsed by your arrogance,
And shamed through your labels.

Not everything has to align
To your egocentricity.
Not the labeled one in the sky,
And not these,
Whose iris blocks out the aurora
That rages shallowly behind.
Your view may be true to you,
As the moon is only true to itself,
But the only difference:

One is an opinion
Forged within but a lifetime
As the other has folded upon tens
For a myriad of chances to evolve,
And yet never changed, thus has been
Sewn into fact,
Avoiding your cage,
That, if you only looked closer,
You’d understand
These bars
Wall up only yourself,
And maybe that comforts you.

So build your walls,
Tighten the blurry line,
Make true to life
Your ability to shine
In God’s eyes.
While the outsiders
Remain,
Free to finally come to accept themselves,
Since you’re barred behind your cage,
Raging,
While the world presses on,
Without you
And your idealistic crowd.

Falter your steps
To form a line
And march, you saints,
To where the road tapers,
Maybe you too will be left behind
By those you thought
Were on your side,

I wonder if your God
Is more forgiving
Unto those who lived
With an open mind,
Than those of you
Who counted heads,
Locked yourselves away,
And despised.

Once given and now taken,
Stress builds instead of extinguishing
The flames I bury,
The sparks, I pinch out.
But the rain and thunder
I cannot ignore;
I keep thinking
Maybe the cold droplets,
Tickling down my face,
Will wake me up from this

But they don’t.
Only the well is filled a little higher,
And the dread
Made intrinsic to each passing day;
Tell me I’m only dreaming.

It’s cold
And there’s no air here
But there’s no need
After all we’re only dreaming

The cold is only here
As long as you believe it is
So simply believe the weather’s nice
And lets gaze out into nothingness

Deep into the great empty
Small white lights blink at us
As if to say hello
And we’ll wink back

They are distant friends
Of our giant shining orb
Busy lighting up
The moons and planets and all other bodies in their orbit

It’s quiet up here
Surrounded by silver sands
Nearly untouched
By the other animals

The animals below
That live and die
That laugh and cry
Every experience on the spectrum of animal emotions all on a blue dot.

It’s nice to be away from it
If only for a little while
And truly just do nothing
But nothing with you is everything.

I hope I don’t wake up soon
So I can still take in the view
So I can cherish this moment while dreaming

After all, that’s the only time I’m with you..

It never ceases to amaze me,
How lucky I am to be living today,
All the things I take for granted,
That others in history never dreamed of.

Pale light floods through my window
The moon reflects your light
So I know that you're still shining
Even when out of sight

It's a small but beautiful thing
That something so far away
Unaware of my existence
Can make me feel that I'm okay

Now a light appears behind me
As I gaze at the moon out of my window
Someone just beginning their day
Is texting to say "hello"

I'm eager to respond
As I tap this small glass screen
As we talk a world away
I still feel heard and seen

It brings me some small joy
To imagine how they react
How their face too lights up
When the screen is no longer black

I rarely get to hear your voice
But I don't feel the need for mine to be heard
I still feel love in your messages
I see you between your words

It's hurts the brain to think about
It's heavy on the mind
From across our small blue planet
You can still say "you're mine"

I'm glad that we're alive today
With the chance that we've been given
To meet a beautiful soul from across the world
That reignites my love for living

I'll be waiting by the phone now
Until your name appears at the top
To see "I love you"
And "I'll never stop"

A day has already passed.
The once slow, soft
Rhythmic beating
Unnoticed,
Morphs into the only audible entity
Existing in this empty room.

And it only seems
To become more profound
The more I let it in--
The more I let it take over.

Its consuming my mind,
This thought of nonexistence
And now its 6 in the afternoon
Of the second day
And the sun sets soon.

I fear
The oncoming onslaught.
An answer to a question I had before
Has answered that my time is limited.

The sky burns purple
From the atmosphere
Affecting the sunlight
Before fading into black and white.

Will i fade to monochrome
Along with the colors
Of the sky?
Or will I be abraised
Beyond recognition,
Cast from the last memory?

I exist now
With questions
Emerging from the septic
Tank I buried long ago
Knowing no one
Can save me.

My volition
Was revoked
When I accepted numbness.
And all the fear
Is let loose at the thought
Of my life
Ending meaningless.

What is this feeling?
I know this feeling.
It’s been a long time
Since I felt the stargaze
Tarnish before my eyes.

But I remember
Sleepless nights
And a shudder
When I saw you
For the first time.

You won’t have the same
Satisfaction
In my response;
I know what you are
And why you’re here.

You don’t have to convince me
That the shadow
You cast
Is my only friend;
I know it’s not and yet,

Here I stand.

Should I be afraid?
Will I come to fear
The places
My mind
You will take?

I’m too lost
To turn away,
You always seem to know
Just how long
This candle can burn

Before it fades.

I think I can pretend
Once more
That your vast nature
Can comfort me

I think I can pretend that
The light I see
Is more intimidating
Than the arms out you reach

But what the **** is this feeling...

To the trees,
I write about
The way that all leaves
Will eventually
Explain the reason
Why such that they are called
By the way the wind
Takes hold
And drags them away.

I guess that’s why the rain comes,
And the winter soon thereafter;
The misconception is quite common
Because emotions no longer exist
With how the world has evolved,

But I know
That the seasonal change is that
Of the leaving,
And not of the axis rotation,
Nor the orbit of the sun,

Only one who knows
That trade-wind feel,
Could ever understand
Why some trees fall
Without a sound.

Only the bystander
Can know that leaves
Will always leave;
Standing at the treeline,
Questioning the sanity
As the trees will always
Let spring from branches
And the trunk again;

Only the bystander
Can tell you
Why dating an ex
Seldomly ends
With an effect not reminiscent of this,
And without a question deep in the mind
Begging to know the difference.