Sometimes I wish I was a ****
I wish every touch was the same to me,
That there was no difference between the person extending it for me
That your hand on my back felt the same as any other person's hand on my back
That your smile meant the same as any other person's smile to my heart

Sometimes I wish that you meant nothing to me.
That your shoulder bumping ino mine was like any other tactile stimuli
That it didn't make me feel giddy and special

That it didn't set my heart on fire

That it didn't make me like you more

That it's nothing

That You're nothing

The light goes through you
No longer a reflection of your beauty
No longer an oasis for my erratic pulse
A thorn to the eye and a boiling knife to the chest
Not blinded, just vexed
Not shining but dulled
Your fire just a flicker of what it once was
The flame you lit in me now void of warmth.
The impact you had on my heart
Now nothing more than a bruise

The universe talks to me.
And right now it's saying you're no good for me
Everywhere I turn, I see how we would not work
We're too similar
We don't add to each other's character
We don't grow together - we grow alongside each other
We believe the same things - but when we don't, we can't hear the other out.
I don't want to listen.

We drown in each other's eyes but claw up each others minds
Planting traces of explosives that time will force together
Into a whole, ready to shatter
And take with it our sanity,
Our mutual care
Our love

You're no good for me, the universe tells me
It gives me many alternatives,
Throws people in my path
Brings back old friends, previous acquaintances, long-forgotten memories
I'm not listening yet.

The universe tries to talk to me
I don't want to listen
I want to drown in your eyes like you drown in my voice

The universe tries to talk to me.
I don't want to listen.

But you don't talk to me anymore.
Should I start listening?

i don't talk about you anymore

i often wonder whether they can tell
that i'm telling but not all
that i'm hiding behind my smiles and time tables
and that you're still on my mind

am i a fool?
am i kidding myself enough for the both of us?
did you not have to do anything in the end
because i lied to myself enough
did i do your work for you?

it doesn't hurt me anymore, you know
I lie
but seeing your face so distorted makes my hands shake
and hearing your voice, destroyed, beaten
makes my heart ache
and feeling my blood run faster makes me angry
and in general something in me feels like it'll break

you can't make me run like this anymore
you can't continue making me feel this way anymore
i'm hurting and i'm yearning, but worst of all
I'm hoping
for you to turn around, for you to clear the fog, for you to finally respond
for you. to come back the way you left

abruptly. unexpectedly. quietly. quickly.

You praised my heart and helping hand
And for the longest time I could not understand
How any of that could make me special
Until you used those words to describe her
And how perfect she is.

And that is the paragraph on how you broke my heart for the first time ever.

But even in my darkest hour, my darkest day
Your doings could not take my humor away.
I am more than what you did to me,
I am more than what you made me feel.

Even when you broke my heart
I could not be mean enough to try and tear you apart.
I cried so many tears,
But for the next few years
I wished you only the best.

Even after you left that gaping hole
Right there in the very centre of my soul,
I could not hate you, never hate you
Because I loved you, always loved you
Beyond your kind heart and helping hands
Your everlasting patience and my high demands
You understood me like no one else had ever done
You listened to me when I was undone
You cared for me when I broke down
And then you took my heart, my very crown.

You broke my heart, my spirit, my pride
But the one thing you could never take from me is my reflex to fight
I'll fight your impact, your demeanour, what you made me feel
I'll reclaim what you took me from me and reveal
Once and for all what I know to be my greatest strength
My love for myself. And that can really
For real
Unlike you
And what I once allowed myself to feel for you
Last the entire length.

A word that has many different meanings

'I don't think you're doing as well as you could'
it's a sign of trust, of faith, of thinking you're able to do better, to be better, to achieve more.

'I don't think this is what you deserve'
Seeing someone else's potential, seeing they're not reaching it, seeing they are not getting what they should be getting.

'Your achievements don't measure up to what society expects of you'
Improve, do your best, try to fit in. You might be different but it's not the worst, you can do better.

'At this point in time, it's just out of pity'
There's something wrong with you, and you don't get it. You're not deserving, but you don't get it yet. This is a favour, but have you earned it?

This is my heart breaking, but have you earned the right to do so?
Do you deserve that power?
Do you deserve me?

I never needed pity.
I just needed your friendship.

I'm not competing with you any longer.

I can't keep up with your tricks;
you lost my love like you lose your temper
Hardly at first, then rapid like wildfire.

The wild fire that I was once compared to
it now runs through your every action with them
And burns our bond to the ground, little by little.

I'm not competing with you any longer.

I can't support your insecurities any more
than you can pretend not to see mine.
My heart breaks, but you all step on the pieces.

I'm not competing with you any longer.

Stay if you want. Leave if you don't.
I won't care any more.
I've cut my heart out for you and burned it
In the fire you once compared me to
The passion that once burned in me
I'll rekindle it for someone else.

I'm done competing with you.

I was mad.

I was mad about being second best.
I was mad about taking a second place in your heads.
I was mad about what you discussed behind my back.
I was mad about realising how mad it all made me become.

I was sad.

I was sad about how excluded you made me feel.
I was sad about how vulnerable I had let myself become.
I was sad about not feeling as important to you anymore.
I was sad because I felt so alone without you.
With you.

I was tired.

I was tired of seeing them push me aside.
I was tired of being interrupted for your gains.
I was tired of being used to broaden your shoulders
And widen your egos
I was tired of seeing her face and hearing you laugh at her words.

I was wounded.

Wounded because you left me all alone when I needed you.
Wounded because you chose them over me. And her.
Wounded because I had finally found my place and they took it from me.
Wounded because my mistakes were haunting me.
Wounded because you were hurting me, neglecting me, rejecting me.

Now you've come back to me.

Come back like I predicted.
Come back like none of this ever happened.
Come back like she was never here.
Like I never asked you that question.
Come back like we were never different.
Come back like my heart is still yours and yours is still mine.

And now you smile at me,
Talk to me,
Laugh at me like nothing ever happened, nothing ever changed.
Like we will still remain
The same
And I don't know what to think anymore
Other than what love is made of.

Maybe someday I can tell you

How your smile has made my heart feel warm
How your voice has given me giggles
How your opinion has made me want to shout out in agreement
How your eyes are the two things I look for among our friends
How your warmth has driven out some of my icyness
How your kindness has restored my faith
How your ideas have lit up my mind
How your passion has inspired my own
How your presence has given me peace I never knew I lacked
How your happiness is now one of the things I want to help realize
How your generosity has made me realize how closed off I made myself become
How your sharing fed my thirst to know
How your stories replaced the need to make up my own
How your support has made me realize what I actually need
How your acceptance is what I now crave above all

How I can’t tell what happened when, but I still know

You. And how much I need you to know me, too.

You were an illusion I was hanging on to.

I don’t know how, but you held me captivated.
Your eyes caught my attention and I was enchanted.
You seemed so certain, so at ease, so in place - it was a lie.

Every word out of your mouth became a lie.
I clung to them all, searching for
hoping to find a truth in what you said.
You had me fooled. It wasn’t real

Nothing with you ever was -
Not your words, you weren’t sincere.
Not your interest, it was deceit.
Not your charm, it was an act.
Not your actions, they were a play.

Yes - if nothing else, you know how to put on a play.

You made me feel sad - sad for myself for ever allowing you
Allowing you to touch upon the border of my heart
Allowing you to occupy places in my mind
To dominate too much time of my day
To make me care.

Now you make me feel sad - sad for you
Sad for you because you’ve wasted such good company
Because you’ve nothing to show for your behaviour but malcontent where you could have affection
Because what you portray yourself as makes you uncomfortable and it’s starting to show
Because what you’ve done has dampened your spirits
Because what you can’t have you now realize you want
But most of all

Because your facade is killing you, and it’s starting to seep through to you.
And it shows on your face.
And it takes root in your heart.
And you can’t change it anymore
This is something you can’t fix.

And the worst part for you is the best part for me:

I don’t care anymore.
The illusion broke and we both stepped on the shards
Irreparable, irreplaceable
Gone forever.
Like snow to water, we return to our root state
of indifference.

I will escape from this world,
see the hero enter
imagine it is some beautiful mystery.
Whisper the truth about why
you ask this of me.
Can I haunt you in that life?
Imagine you in a different dream
create a new character,
give it all a new description,
answer all of your questions -
some of ours.
Fight against another chapter,
make you my favourite ending.

It was a truth I had stated before
No one in this world is unique enough to not be replaceable

When no thought has been original for 50 years
History repeats itself on a daily basis
And life has the same rhythm every single day

How could you think, for even one second, that you’re special?

Friends come and go.
Loves burn out one after another
Trust wilts and faith slowly extinguishes

Your touch suddenly feels cold.
And her eyes suddenly look empty
When they used to be warm.

Your hands burn for her, and I?
I turn to ice next to you

The rock on my chest freezes
Grows heavier too
Icicles form that prevent the next person
to come even half as close as you
As you could have
As you would have
As you should have


I hope you keep my gift as a rememberance of me
Of what you used to have
And maybe even could have had.
That you’ll one day look upon it and think

****
That was special
I could have had it

But you won’t. You won’t even care
You will have replaced me with someone else
Someone better
Someone smarter and prettier and easier to see through

And you’ll never look back
Cause after all
Which one of us is not replaceable?