I think of love as a small home
With furniture well-used
And the clutter of life
And the smell of fresh food.

I think of love as a silouhette
In the dark of night
And whispered words
That ring true in daylight.

I think of love as long silences
Broken by the turn of a page
And loud, simple contact
And losing track of hours and days.


I think of love as a furrowed brow
As an angry shout and a sharp word
And a fist strinking out
And hurt, hurt, hurt.

I think of love as broken promises
And vitriolic, secret thoughts
And discontent never to be voiced
And doors that never unlock.

I think of love as a gilded cage
And a small bird that will never get away.
I think of love as predators and prey
I think of love as vulnerability.


I think of love as a downturned head
And silent submission
And an authoratative stance
And the will to listen.

I think of love as the catalysm's calm
As a word in a hurricane
That stops a million, million thoughts
And halts a crashing train.

I think of love as a private comfort
And rare affection
And overwheleming pride
And jealous admiration.


I think of love.

This is hell, gouge out my eyes and rip off my head
Collect my brain and tear it to shreds
Douse me in ice cold water, sweet, sweet relief
This ******* migraine will be the death of me.

Go home, I'll be there*
You say with a smile.

I can't quite make my smile look real.

That's not my home
That's not my place
I'm not comfortable there
Or with you.

This is just a house
I walk in and wipe my shoes
I try not to eat too much of the food
I don't go outside of where you do
I try to make as little an impression
I keep to myself and speak when spoken to

This is only a home to you.

This house doesn't feel lived in
It's sparkling and pristine
There's not a speck of dirt
Or any item out of place
And I can't even sit down
Without feeling like I've sullied something.

Stop inviting me here.

Stop trying to make me one of your own
Living in a clean little box we mistakenly call home
Conform to society and live a cubicle-based life
With a white picket fence and a family of no more than five

This isn't a home
There's no sign of life
And I'll never return as
This is just a house

This isn't what you wished
Upon that small baby
This isn't what you wished

This isn't the head you kissed
The head of that baby
This isn't what you kissed

This isn't what you held
The weight of that baby
This isn't what you held

This isn't what you smelled
The scent of that baby
This isn't what you smelled

This isn't what you felt
Felt for that baby
This isn't what you felt.

This isn't how it was supposed to be
This isn't what you imagined
This isn't what you meant me to see
The isn't what you'd bargained

This isn't the life you choose to live
This isn't the trust you chose to give
This isn't the love you once entrusted
This isn't the marriage to which you'd come in

This isn't the daughter you once knew
This isn't the love you walked into
This isn't the hope you'd had before
This isn't the love in fairytale's lore

This isn't at all what you expected
This isn't at all what you should have collected
This isn't the right end for an angel
This isn't, as it seems, quite so fatal

But this is me
Imperfect glory
Oh, this is me
With a sad, sad story

This is me
Timeless and dying
This is me
The blood I'm crying

This is me
The failure's jive
This is me
The end of a life

This is me
On sanity's cliff
This is me
Ready to drift

This is me
Desperate and wanting
This is me
Pretending and flaunting

Yes, this is me
Your youngest daughter
And it's not at all what you wanted
My dearest mother

This is me
The smoke, the pain
This is me
For loss, for gain

This is me
This is that baby
This is me
Now a young lady

This is me
Looking for love
This is me
Small and starstruck

This is me
On the wrong path
This is me
Treading on broken glass

This is me
Begging for help
This is me
****** to hell

This is me
Waiting to be saved
This is me
Turning away

This is me
Nearing Death's door
This is me
Saying I can take no more

This is me
With smoke in my lungs
This is me
Absorbing the sun

This is me
With knife in hand
This is me
Enjoying the land

This is me
Pleasing those men
This is me
Washing my hands

And this isn't what you wanted
And this is why you cry
And this isn't what I expected
And this is why I wish to die

Oh, this is why my mind is unclean
This is why you weep
This is why we couldn't foresee
And this is why I can't sleep

This is why the night is frightening
This is the absence of hope
Yet this is why we live
And this is why we cope

And this isn't life
This is unidentified
And this isn't strife
This is why we live and die

Maybe this is a maybe
Maybe this is uncertainty
Maybe this is a per say
Maybe this is you, is me

Yes, maybe this is human
Though this is inhumane
Maybe this is *******
And cannot be contained

Maybe maybe is uncertainty
Maybe maybe is insanity
Maybe maybe is a waste of hope
Maybe maybe is the knife at our throats

This is me
With a ring on my finger
This is me
With a kiss on my lips

This is me
With a love that lingers
This is me
With a sway to my hips

This is my reflection
So pretty, so ugly
This is my reflection
So imperfect, so me

This is life
Tiring and refreshing
This is time
A burden unrelenting

These are my friends
My children, my life
These are my friends
So perfect, so right

And this is pain
And this is gain
And this is love
And this is hate
And this is trust
And this is my place

But first
Foremost

This is me.

We live in everyday
Where beauty is a must
To garner respect
And kindness is all but non-existent
And character is expected to be genuinely fake
Where one must subtly give less than they take
Where all is fair if you're not caught
And the bad ones are good
And the good ones are not
And the people live in fear
Yet they aren't aware
Where the children dream of bells
Trudge to the next class
Until someone rebels
Fire, smoke, then ash
And we live here daily
And we search to be happy
Yet how can we be
If this wasteland is our home?
Happiness is a state of mind
That the mind itself rarely recognizes
And so we'll search for what we've already got
And find it we will?
No, find it we'll not.

Tiny smiles and loud laughs
Summer heat and cool breeze
Excited words and calm thoughts
Deep conversation about meaningless things.

Soft songs and slow guitar
Young souls with long lives
Polaroid photos and alleyways
Sunroofs and blue skies.

Dollar stores and Chinese food
Gazebos and high heels
Doughnuts and Bonnaroo
Tiny smiles and lunch meals.

I can't think, these days.
Every moment to myself is spent
Contemplating
A hundred different ways.

I can't move, these days.
Nothing matters, nothing catches my
Attention
Or makes me want to stay.

I can't breath, lately.
Cigarettes are a slow suicide so I'll
Quit
Once I have the energy.

I can't speak, lately.
I pick up the phone to put it down
Again
I'll call, just wait on me.

I'm tired now.
I'm exhausted, squeezed dry.
But I'm still breathing.
Unhappy but breathing. Unsatisfied.

I'm lonely now.
I'm estranged, all alone.
But I don't want company.
On my own, Unconcerned. Home.

I'm done now.
Completed, a finished piece.
But I should be more.
Failure. Useless. Finis.

Is it you within that smile
That shows so very fake?
Is it you behind the pages of that book
And no one sees your face?
Is it you behind the crinkle of your eyes
Are the lines from laughter or tears?
Is it you behind these expectations
Your voice that no one hears?
The world isn't waiting
The world cares not at all.
The world isn't waiting.
You choose to rise or fall.

First let me say I cannot be fully sorry
I cannot give you the life I wanted
I don't have the money or the stability
To love you the way I've promised I would
Should I let you exist and be everything to me
I would not treat you the way I wished I was
When I was just a child looking for love.

You won't exist because I refuse to let you
Because I looked at my own mother and asked
"Why did you have me?"
I can't be a parent that would never put that question in your head.
You won't exist because I am not strong enough to let you.
I am sorry for that.

I will mourn you. I have mourned you.
You are two inches long and know nothing
Have done nothing and deserve none of this
Yet and still, you won't exist because you will be something
You will be someone.
You will be someone I will fight to love and provide for
And I will fail.

You won't exist because I look in the mirror
And I see someone who I would ****.
And I cannot provide from the grave.
Nor will I leave you to fight for a life I couldn't give.
Yet and still, I will imagine I could.
And I will hate myself in the way you have no capacity to do
I will hate me for you.

You will never know what it is to smile or frown
You will never laugh or cry
I will never see you roll or walk or speak
And I will never shower you in love
Because I will never allow you to exist in who I am now
And so you won't exist.

But I will think of you when I next slit my wrists.
I will think of two inches of perfection that I couldn't ensure safety.
I will think of two inches and what could have been
I will think of the first time you would curl a hand around my finger
And I will cry for you and tell you that I'll join you
Despite you never existing to care to begin with.

You will not exist anywhere aside from a single picture in a scan
And within my memories.
You will not exist to anyone but me if I let you.
But in the absence of your life, I will immortalize and remember you.
You have no name. You have a name.
I will never know which name fits you better.

I will get on a flight taking me away from where
You ceased and never began to be.
I will bury the memory of you deep in my mind
On the surface of my thoughts where you will thrive.
I will imagine chubby fingers grasping at earth in wonder
And whispering all the dreams you could and would reach into your ear
I will imagine what could be if I wasn't what I am today.

I will go home. I will put my life together and heal.
I will create a space for myself so that I can properly allow you to be.
And it will not be you who exists then.
And I will lament your loss when I am finally able to take care of you
Far, far too late.

I suppose I just need to say goodbye to you.
I have whispered it into myself several times
And been both grateful and remorseful that you cannot understand
And hope you will exist in the after that I've never believed in
That you will grow and know that your lack of existence
Was not a decision lightly made.

I will comfort myself in thinking you will never know
What it is to have a father who neither loves you nor your family
I will comfort myself thinking you will never worry over the money we don't have
I will comfort myself thinking you will never see the state of the world I chose not to bring you into.
You will not exist and these comforts will be empty.

Because I imagine you as a little girl with curly hair
And a smile so bright it would rival the sun and change the world
I imagine you as a little boy with a heart so big seven billion people would instantly feel loved
I imagine you as an avid reader, the way I was, forever shoving books into your desk
I imagine you as a graduate with endless potential at your fingertips
But you will not be. You will not exist.

I think on what made you. And I wonder if I could look past it.
If I could find it in me to love you the way you would deserve.
I love you now. I hate you now. I want to cradle you in my arms.
I will not. You do not exist.
You will not exist for me to know.

I will see you when I sleep, I believe
I will see you as you were and as you may be
And I will wrap my arms around you as I push you away
And I will whisper the names you never had
And give you the gifts you'll never see.
I will blow a raspberry into the stomach you never developed
I will listen to giggles from the vocal chords you never contained.
You will not exist then.
But who you may have been will.

I will carry you on my shoulders in a dream
I will promise to keep your teeny lips in a smile
And you tiny head in the clouds.
I will dream your dreams for you and hope to know you
I will not dream your dreams. I do not know you.
You have no dreams.
And you will not exist.

You would be a number of pounds of beauty, had I let you.
You would be, if I only let you, a perfect number of inches, perfect down to the smallest decibel.
You would be quiet. You would be loud. I would complain of your colic.
You will be none of those things. I will not complain.
You will not exist.

I will breathe in the air you never did.
I will marvel the sky you never saw.
I will mourn the life you never lived.
I will love the you who never thought.
And yet and still, you will not exist.

So to all of my followers
Welcome to poem seventy eight
(If I counted right)
Then this may be a bit late...

But thank you for your support
Thanks for the reviews
Thanks for putting up
With my melancholy BS
When I'm feeling a bit blue

Thanks for all those likes
And thanks for all those shares
Thanks for making me feel
Like, "Hey, someone cares"

Thanks for all those messages
Thanks for trusting me enough
To send me a little message
Thanks for that trust

Thanks for every view
Thanks for everything
And, god, I never thought
I'd get this far with this poetry thing

Thanks for all the compliments
That make me strut around and preen
That make me giggle as I smile
(No, seriously, I gloat every single time I'm trending)

So, yeah, you guys are my success
And I'm nowhere near through
To the wind beneath my wings
This is a big, heartfelt "Thank You!"

I'm trying
Emphasis on "I'm"
Where are you now?
Have you left me behind?
I'm giving all of me
To clean this mess
But while I was answering problems
Did you give up the test?
.
.
.
I'm not ready yet
Not ready to lose
The best friends I've ever had
I'm not ready yet
I'm not ready to let go
To see our time come to an end
...
Will you wait for me?
I won't insist you put in effort
Just...wait by the door?
And when I've solved these questions
What we have will be restored
.
.
.
Maybe.
I'm not quite sure anymore
I don't know who you are
But it's not time to fight that war
I've got to make sure we're okay
Before we relearn what we were
We both changed
Whilst the other's back was turned
So don't leave yet
I'm trying
No
We're trying
To fix this grand old mess
And you can bet ever cent you own
I will not leave us like this.

You'll never admit
Just how soft you are inside
How you'll always help those in need
You'll never, never confide

But I don't need your words
To see past your tough facade
As every action you make proves me right
And I'm filled with awe

You are kind beyond words
Sweet beyond needs
Humble beyond shyness
Fair in your deeds

And when you ask why I chuckle
I'll always say
No matter how you hide it
You're such a tsundere

*Tsundere:  character development process that describes a person who is initially cold and even hostile towards another person before gradually showing his or her warm side over time

Similar to body language
My typescript is a message
I sign every comment
To maintain a sense of distance.

I am an open wound
I can only try to heal
I push instead of pull
I rend rather than seal.

I want no one near me
I will run from closeness
I want someone near me
It makes no sense, but I digress.

My body language is open
My typescript language closed
My language itself undecided
As I type
                 feel
                            speak
paradoxical prose.

I can't breathe
Yet I can't asphyxiate
I feel sick
My heart's skipping beats
For heaven's sake
Someone help me
Because the nightmares eat my brain
I can't see
All I can feel is pain.

It is dark and beautiful here
The people bleed black rivers
The ground is a golden sore
Festering blue pus

There are shelves and shelves
Shelves filled with files
Some black, some red
Some a vertigo of emotion and color

There are spaces, where files used to be
Where the trauma has been erased
There are flimsy files
Where the trauma has been overwritten

In this beautiful, dark place
There is chaos.
There is no silence
There is no peace

There are two holes
They show something normal
These holes look to a limb
The limb bleeds red

There is silence here.
The limb bleeds after the silver
And there is blissful silence
Until the chaos returns

And so we must repeat.

I have lost everything in this moment.
Seven years.
Seven short years.
Word hard, do well.
I will make it there soon.
Rest easy, angel.

I'm an emotional roller-coaster
But you'd never be able to tell
Underneath the calm exterior
I'm in a living Hell

Where up is down
And down is downer
Where high is low
And low is lower

The cup's half-empty
Or is it half-full?
Is life pushing me low
Or is that death's pull?

'Smile' they told me
Smile I did
'Laugh' they commanded
I've been laughing ever since

Does this smile make you happy?
Am I good enough yet?
Is my laugh contagious?
Can you see my regrets?

I smile when I'm up
I smile when I'm down
It's a sure symptom
Of someone easily pushed around

I'm up, I'm happy
(I'm not, I'm not)
I'm down, I'm happy
(I hope you all rot)

I don't always know what to say
Or even what to do.
When long paragraphs of genuine praise
Go unanswered, this is my excuse.

You give me praise like I don't deserve
And don't comprehend how to respond to.
In the end, I read and reread
And think of what to tell you.

I count you as a mentor, a friend
I respect your opinion.
I think of you as a light, a guide,
Sense is your dominion.

I wanted to thank you for noticing misplaced words
In a blog for rhyme-schemes and thoughts.
I want to thank you for seeing the best in me
And continuing to see when I cannot.

I never once said I'd do it for fame
But what else do you call being a household name?
I never once implied I needed validation
But what other use do I have for recognization?

I've never once managed to specialize in a talent
Since when was focusing on a skill such a challenge?
I've never once suggested I needed any fanfare
But who would complain if the world can't help but stare?

I'd never once say I wanted to be idolized
But there's no harm in giving it a try.
This is my denial of my own motivations
I just want validification in the form of recognition.

I blamed you before, but not anymore
I'll cry out my pain, stop beating the horse slain
I'll move past the lies, stand up tall and try
I swear I'll be great, when I'm given my clean slate

I won't forgive him, no, I won't hate him though
He did me wrong, yes, but it's time to move on
I'll put down my knives, maybe have one last cry
I'll suit up for hardships, stop running from relationships

I'll fix myself up, take risks and try my luck
I won't be scared of everything, I'll live for the next spring
I won't hang myself anymore, I know fixing me up was a chore
And you won't have to worry, because this time I'm sorry

You'll never have to hurry home, wondering what I've done
Never have to cry, thinking, once again, I've tried to die
I'll start looking for love, maybe give someone my trust
I won't fester in my hurt, I'll actually do my work

I'll be better, I promise
I'll be better, I swear
I'll be better, in time
I'll be better this year

I'll find the people who love me
For being only who I am
I'll find those people and you'll see
I'm no longer the sacrificial lamb

And yes, this is my revenge
Living the best I can
And I'll live to show him I'm better
I'll be better than that man

I'll learn from his mistakes
I'll treat my children right
I know I've what it takes
I'll make it through these nights

So just wait for me
If you think I'm worth the time
I'll fix myself
And take the life that's mine

I'm a fair fighter
I fight to the death
I throw the carcasses
Down on my left
I always allow
My enemy to regroup
Then I defeat them
And collect my coup
They regroup slowly
I beat them fast
It's an epic battle
That never seems to last
More than a minute
For those who are tough
But there never a time
When they say enough's enough
So I ready myself
Flex my abs
Crook my finger
And pick the scab

The warmth of this place burns my eyes, ears, and face
Sets my stomach aflutter and my heart to race.
The heat of this balm ignites my soles and palms
Quiets the thunder in my head and my mind is calm.

The swelter of this ocean moves me to action
Causes a leap in my step and my smile to brighten.
The boil of this feeling gives me vertigo, sends me reeling
Makes my skin crawl with glee; a phantom itching.

This place is a silence, a haven, a balance
This place is the personification of pleasance.
This place is a kind moment in the rush of time
This place is my shelter; this place is mine.

Though I have never felt my own legs quake
Though I stand firmly behind what decisions I make
Though regret is little more than a vital part of life to me
I consider my actions now; I am wracked with uncertainty.

The things I have choosen to do in life sit with me to vigil
I am far too weak as I currentlyam , my defences are fully riddled
With vulnerabilities I have exacted upon myself, I now review
The life I saw fit to live and the parts of it I now wish to undo.

Birth. I waver. That it may have never happened, that I didn't exist
The childhood I didn't savour. Despite the dreams it saw fit to twist
Pre-adulthood. I falter. I thought so much of what I thought I knew
My feeble hold on maturity. My newfound perplexion at what to do.

I am no longer the child with the world at fingertip and magic in my palm
I am little more than an adult with failing health and a shaky facade of calm
I am no longer stable, unchanging, and tough like the rock I was thought to be
I am wavering, quivering, shaking in terror; I am the manifestation of fragility.

We did friendship all wrong
We ****** it up and down and over
Six years of trying and it's still gone
We did it all wrong.

You're not on my list of 'Important Things'
And I'm nowhere on yours'
You're not a part of the songs I sing
We did it all wrong.

I'm not at your soccer games, even when I'm invited.
I'm never on your mind or your 'Recent Call' log
I'm not someone you remember or even miss.
We did it all wrong.

You don't read my poetry, even when I've linked it.
You don't speak to me the way you used to.
You don't like me or you hate me, I've not decided which.
We did it all wrong.

We did friendship all wrong.
We don't know each other anymore.
We're not forever, not even for long.
We did it all wrong.

This is where we are not alone
This is where we call home
This is where we put down our knives
This is where we repent for our lives
This is where we put down the masks
This is where we drink our lasts
This is where titles cease to exist
This is where we evaporate into mist
This is where we lay down our pride
This is where we go to hide
This is where we go to weep
This is where we **** the innocent sheep
This is where we wash away the blood
This is where we attempt to trust
This is where we strip ourselves of black
This is where we find all we lack
This is where we find our roots
This is where we bury them in ash and soot
This is where we run away
This is where we all shall stay
This is where we pass the guilt
This is where we slide the knife in to the hilt
This is where we suffer from nightmares
This is where we pretend to care
This is where we hear what goes bump in the night
This is where we go to confide
This is where we find the wild ones
This is where we make them run
This is where we put them down
This is where we feel safe and sound
This is where we are the killers we are
This is where we lick our scars
This is where we dream of death
This is where we sob with regret
This is where we feel apathy set in
This is where we go to begin again
This is where we stay as there's nowhere else
This is us, we're begging for help
**We must be killers
Children of the wild ones
We must be killers
Where we got left to run?

We've written volumes
In blood and scars and ink
We've told a million stories
Thought a million things
We've lived some hundred lives
Laughed our faces pink
And we did all just because,
Mischievous little minx

Imagine if you'd never spoken
Never showed me who you are
Imagine if you'd been quiet
And never helped me with wolf lore
(I'm grateful, by the way)
Imagine if you hadn't stayed
Then imagine how you did
And then reach out to feel me
Because I'm not leaving
And neither are you
We've got humor and care
(And your pain-******* hoodoo)
So when we get old
We'll smile and think
And reread the volumes we wrote
In blood and scars and ink

What.
Am I doing here?
What.
Am I living for?
What.
Is my incentive?
What.
Are my ambitions?
What.
Can I do?
What.
Is there to smile about?
What.

What.
-
-
-
I dunno.
"Idek, bro."
The answer won't be written
Anywhere I go.

What.

Who, when?
Why, how, where?
I couldn't possibly answer and
I couldn't possibly care.

It's not for everybody
That thing we all do.
Sometimes it's for everyone-
Every person but you.

What.

A better word
Would be
Apathy.

All the care that was wasted
For stupid
Inane
Things.

Whatever.
I honestly don't care.
Because you,
And them
And life
Have no purpose.

Twisting my words
Though I know you heard
Exactly what I said
That's not what I meant

Around in circles
We can't understand
You heard what I said
And that's not what I meant

I don't philosophy
You heard what I said
What don't you get?
I said exactly what I meant

There is a pressure just behind my ribs
That crushes me, yet I cannot shake it
Unmovable. Untouchable. Incurable.
On my lungs and heart, the weight of it sits.

What does this pressure pull me to?
Why does it threaten me with death?
Unknown. Uncharted. Insatiable.
It will not move until I've taken my last breath.

This is what it is to yearn
What it is to grasp with the soul.
This is what it is to burn
To ignite as desperation takes hold.

I crave this thing I don't know
It pulls at me day and night
Like an addiction, I need it frequently
Lest the anxiety, the panic, should strike.

But it is not a thing, it is a person, in plural
So very far outside my league, urban versus rural
This is not even remotely healthy, but I can't turn
From day to night, from sun to moon, I yearn.

And I intensely feel that I cannot keep you happy
Nor entertained, nor inquisitive, nor enthralled
I truly believe my personality will end us
But these things reside in my head behind the tallest of walls.

I worry you will leave me when you grow bored of this
Perhaps that speaks more on my perception of you
Perhaps that speaks more on who I am that who you are
Perhaps that speaks more on understanding there's something amiss.

I don't know where I want to go with you
Partially because I want to go everywhere with you and fully intend to
Partially because I see no paths to anywhere
Aside from dead dark roads that no one goes down anymore

I wonder if you'll hate me in the future
I dislike this and being vulnerable because that thought leaves me shaken
I wonder if I'll find that I really am too much for even the one I was just right for
I wonder if I'll end up wishing you well, alone.

I hate these thoughts that I can't make rhyme
That I wrench from the recesses of my mind
That I wrestle onto paper and ruthlessly bare
That I try to convince myself aren't actually there
I hate them.

The words are stretched
Over a long, nasal pitch.
Eyes swimming in tears
At the ready to stream down.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme...

But it is not given
And the flood is unleashed
The mouth stretches wide
To release another cry
And it is again pondered
When sleep will be gotten this night

MINE!

But it is not
Not that it matters
As the snot has already begun to flow
Just as profusely as the tears

Why a toddler?
What was I thinking?
It seems she'll never
Ever stop whining

You'd think there'd be words there.
That was a stanza's worth of space.
You'd think there'd be hidden meaning.
But there wasn't. Whoops.

I thought poetry would keep me.
I thought rhymes would hold me.
I thought feeling would guide my hand.
But it didn't. Whoops.

I thought I'd write forever.
I thought my creativity would last.
You thought there'd be worth here.
You thought this was time well spent.

But.

Whoops.
There's nothing here.

I'm looking for friends
In this net of strangers
But when I reach out
No one answers

I'm greeting everyone I see
In this massive web of shadows
But none of them acknowledge me
Because I'm disrupting the natural flow

But I'm still going to hold out a hand
And hope someone will hold theirs out too
When I'm looking for friends, I don't want to be alone
So who will take my hand, will it be you?

When you've walked the ground you do not know
When you've sewn the seeds you saw fit to sow
When you've run so fast you must go slow
When you've had many highs and just as many lows

I'll be wishing you home cross the land and sea
I'll be wishing you back to where you first left me
I'll be wishing you home to where we'll both be happy
I'll be wishing you home to me

When you've see all those people you dreamed to meet
When you've made all the money to live a life sweet
When you've cried all the tears and soaked the bed sheets
When you're to sad to cry and too tired to sleep

I'll be wishing you home, calling you loud and clear
I'll be wishing you back to my love and cheer
I'll be sending my love to bring you back here
I'll be wishing you home, my dear

When you've smiled all the smiles that will ever grace your face
When you've lived all the lives  that were given the human race
When you've grown sick of genuine and even sicker of fake
When you given all you can give and taken all you can take

I'll be wishing you back here, wishing you home
I'll be wishing to see how much you've grown
I'll be wishing to hear of the places you roamed
I'll be wishing you, wishing you home.

Endless, unyielding boredom
Stalls the words on my lips
Cuts the thoughts in my mind
Chases letters from my fingertips.

The color fades from my eyes
And life becomes bleak and grey
I hunger, cook, and eat
But it is bland, without taste.

My mind is barren in the spaces
Where ideas used to flow
The handle melts away from the door
And I've no other place to go.

The sun runs into the moon
The moon burrows into the sky
Hours become excruciating weeks
That sluggishly sprint on by.

Sentences become voices
Ever loud, relentlessly speaking
My eyes are my worst enemy
Never finding, always seeking.

Concise and simply stated
With boredoms' additions, I am less
I survive listlessly
Without purpose, without rest.

"Are you getting better?"
"Why are you sad?"
"Do you still cut."
"How do you feel?"

"Worse."
I'm getting worse.
I'm not sad, I'm distraught.
I don't cut, I hack.
I feel worse.

"I'm not actively suicidal."
"I don't want to hurt anyone."
"I'm feel okay."
"I feel nothing."

Worse.
The thoughts have gotten worse.
I care less because I want more.
I feel like I'm drowning. Constantly.
Apathy is so much worse.
So much worse than emotion.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to wake up.
I don't want to breathe.
I don't want to see.
I don't want to hear.
I don't want to smell.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to think.

Everything's so much better
So why am I so much worse?

My mother has regained her maiden name
And there's no father to beat me up
And tell me how worthless I am.
My sister has come to terms with her sexuality
And there's no serious vitriol between us
For me to brood and cry about;
She hasn't hit me in years.
My family has been cut off from me
And there's no disappointed looks
For me to escape from.
My best friend is trying to rekindle what we had
And there's no faux pas or jibes
For me to be hurt over.
My mother is in the process of buying a house
So there'll be no panic attacks living in close range
To strangers in an apartment.
My senior year begins soon
And there'll be no adult to command me soon
While I'm holed up somewhere for college.
I've weeded the fake friends out
So there's no person whispering hatred behind me
And I won't run myself thin trying to please them.

So why am I worse?
I have everything in the world one could ask for.
I may not be rich,or even well-off
But I have an IPad and a phone
And several gaming systems.
There's food in the house and clean water.
I have a bed to sleep on and a roof over my head.
I have an Internet connection that's reliable.
I have usage of all my limbs and
I have music to listen to constantly.

So why am I worse?
I have nothing to complain or whine about.
I have nothing to cry and scream over.
I am living a life some others would envy.
Yet, here I am writing self-centered, pitiful poetry
And considering suicide.

I disgust myself, in this aspect.
I woke up this morning with life I'm not sure I want
And someone, somewhere, would value it more.
I bemoan my appearance and obsess over my weight
But I am symmetrical and healthy.
I have nothing to justify my pity-parties.

I don't have the right to be worse than I was.
See, no, I may not prosecute someone for being happy
When there are others who are happier
But I will prosecute myself for being sad
When there are others who have it worse.
Because I should be grateful for all I have.
I should smile everyday for waking up.
I should hold my life in high regard.

But I do not.

There's no rhyme or reason to this long winded spiel.
I do not expect or care if it's read.
I believe, in a way, this is part one of several
Of a letter to my mother, sister, and friends
As an explanation. As compensation.
I used to say I wanted to die, but I'd never do it.
Because I know me, and 'me' is a coward,
Terrified of her own shadow.
But now I see myself slipping and this is...
This is the best justification I have:

I am doing worse. Though I have no right to be. I wake up in the morning listless. I wake up and nothing seems better. I wake up, sometimes, gasping and scared from nightmares. I wake up, sometimes, missing my father. I wake up without motivation. And I go about my day without ambition. Writing no longer brings me pleasure. Nor reading. Nor running. Nor speaking. Nor silence. Nor music. Nor singing. Nor gaming. Nor thinking. Nor pottery. Nor poetry. Nor people. Nor solitude. Nor anything, really. I wake up searching for something. I do not know what. And I go about my day understanding that I have not, did not, and will not find it. I wake up lonely. I wake up starved for comfort and a listening ear. And by the time I've swung my legs out of bed, I am numb and I feel nothing at all. It is sweet agony. I am engulfed by my own mind and I rip myself apart daily. I never remember which piece goes where. I go through my days like this; breathing, alive, but not living. I am tired. I am sorry, because I know what I promised, but I am tired.

-Nadia (aka. Chaus)

My cuts still bleed in the morning
Long after I put the knife away
And when you rush in and find me
It is far too late to ask me to stay

I'm living six feet underground
My corpse and the bugs play all night long
I'm happy to be gone but I wonder will you
Write something pretty on my headstone?

This will work out
She and I
Are good together.

Even though I fear
Her life
Ever fading far away.

It's time for a beginning
I have
Very high hopes.

If you decide to read this
I've spelt
Out your name.

I want you to know
I don't
Plan on leaving.

You are mine, through and through
If only because I want you.
I'm prepared to outline, no hints or clues,
Everything I want to do.

I can't have you though if I don't have it all
I won't keep you though if I can't make you fall
Won't crave you if you aren't in for the long haul
I'm not asking you to kneel, I'm demanding that you crawl.

If you are thinking why are those not thoughts I know
If you are breathing why is your breath not what my lungs blow
If your heart is beating why is that pulse not under my ribs
If you are living why is that life not the one I live?

Undo the stitches of every atom that makes up your skin
Give me your strings and pieces and I'll make you new again.
Let me create you from dust, and water; bring you into being with love
Let me craft you as I want you; all I need is your trust.


And then you will be mine, the way you already are.
And then I will give an inch, will allow us to start.
You will be mine, the way I want you to be.
I will have all of you. You will have some of me.

I wanted to write
A poem about you
But I couldn't find anything
Catchy enough that describes
What you do to me.

You come and go
Like the ocean waves
And if I try to stand
Still, safe within your grasp,
You wash away the ground
And leave me stumbling and falling

You control me
Like the owner controls the dog
You beckon and I run
You call and I'm there
And I'm so eager to please
That I'll never realize that you, indeed, own me

You love me
Like the female angler fish loves the male
I'm not much more to you
Than a bag of blood and organs
Ready to be eclipsed by all you are
Forgotten and fading

You raise me
Your hands push me to the sky
And I can feel the weight of the atmosphere
And I've never felt so right
Until your hands disappear and I remember
We are quite wrong.

You smile for me
But you hate me
You cherish me
But you can't stand to see my face
And I always seem to forget
When you come back
Just why you left in the first place.

You incinerated us with your passion
Your smile, your joy
You did enough. You did well.

We’d wish for double your time
Triple, quadruple, more
But you did enough. You did well.

I am proud of you, as one of many
Who know you as much as they didn’t
You did enough. You did well.

I love you and if there’s an after
I know you are in it
You did enough. You did well.