Butter blue bonnet
Splenda yellow packets near sugar
Bananas
Milk 2%
Collard greens or kale
Evaporated milk
2 cans of cream corn
Cheetos 2/5 or party size
C-cell batteries
Peach drinks
Eggs

It's hard sitting in a hospital room, waiting

The sound of oxygen pushing through clear tubes
Voices of hardworking nurses drifting in from the hallway
Discordant beeping from machines right beside you
Muffled chatter from the TV, probably some stupid reality show

You become surrounded and encased
Stuck in a room
Far too small
Packed with far too many machines, cords, and tubes

The sounds at first are overwhelming
But then they become nothing
Natural and constant, just there
the sound and feeling of your own breath,
Hot inside of a blue mask

It's frustrating to see someone
Lust so liberally after me
In false knowledge
Of me having a "pretty face"
And a "great personality"
It's frustrating when I know just how ugly I can be
On the outside and inside
But they think I'm "cute"
It's frustrating when they're a smooth talker
And I can ruin the mood
With just a few simple words
It's frustrating when all I want to be is better
I know what I need to do to be pretty, and successful, and happy
But I do not have the energy nor motivation for any of it
It's frustrating when I want to do so much but I've piled my plate so high that I do not know where to start and it's all so overwhelming
And it's frustrating when I can not be what I need to be
And it's frustrating having to go on after failing time and time again

im one of the lucky kids
whose parents still sleep in the same bed
and they still wear their wedding bands
im one of the lucky kids
who doesnt have to worry about
going back and forth between two houses, not homes
dont have to worry about forgetting this or that at the other house
all my stuff is in one room
everyone in one home
the reality of it is
im lucky
luckier than a lotta kids
i dont have two deal with a messy divorce
and the strangeness of a step mom or dad or step siblings
i dont have to deal with constant arguing

"this is why people whove been married for thirty years get divorced"

It's amazing to think
Some people can't keep their lips closed
And it's amazing to think
Those new
Can't catch on to social cues
When in a foreign situation
You pay attention to others
To determine how you should go about behaving
When people aren't talking,
and are instead writing
You should be doing the same,
Logically,
Letting your creativity flow free
Not hindering that of others
Preventing them from enjoying the music and the art of poetry
And it's even more amazing to think
Some, after countless meetings and several years,
Can't still not keep their mouth from making idiotic noises that form into rude, postponable conversations
It's almost as if they come to socialize and disrespect everyone here all at once
Especially those reading and sharing a part of their soul with us
Some just don't understand how hard it is to stand in front of everyone and bare their soul
Reading their deepest fears or even a simple, innocent poem about lilies and hydrangeas
But alas
I am no speaker or poet
Not one to articulate clearly without a stutter,
To get my point across thick, vacuous skulls
I am just someone who has had enough
And despises the whole concept of talking and opening one's mouth
Because the majority of the human population does not know when it is appropriate to do so

You saved me when I was at my lowest
But now I'm thriving and happy
Your love was the medicine that healed me
And now I'm so addicted
You are always on my mind
I can't stop thinking about your laugh, your smile, your eyes
Just everything about you makes me euphoric
I'm so addicted to the way you talk, how your body moves, how my world is no longer black and white but a kaleidoscope of colors

A day is never completely good for me
But there's always some that are completely bad
Actions that I've made, that I didn't regret at all
Always seem to bite me in the *** eventually
I never can have something good without something or someone else ruining it
Sometimes it's just me  that screws everything up
And that happens more times than I want to admit
But at the end of the day
It'll all be okay
Because in ten years I will have forgotten about this night
And all the horrible feelings I felt
And I probably will have forgotten most of the people too
And that scares me the most

I wanna know what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours
Like the thoughts bouncing from ear to ear
As you smoke a joint rolled perfectly between your fingertips
Like the ticks and tocks of your innermost workings
The pain that plagues your day
And haunts your late late nights
I wanna feel the pain you feel
Feel the stress you feel
Feel the hurt you feel
I wanna carry your burdens with you
Wipe away those years of sorry
Make you cry tears of joy instead

They told me our love was toxic
Your words manipulative
And I believed them so easily
You see
I was so tired
So tired of trying to love you
But you wouldn't let me
You went out instead
Got high
Drunk
Out of sorts
Instead of loving me
So I gave up
Twice
The first time I was heartbroken
Shattered by my own hands
Yet you took me back
We made some rules
We'd spend one day of the week together
But it was the same age old problem
You just forgot
Didn't care enough
And you'd hang out with your friends instead
And I know why you never wanted to be at home
If you could call it that
A room in your friend's basement
Life was tough for you and I knew that
I understood that
But I was too self centered and needy to handle it
I tried and struggled
So again
I took the coward's way out
And to top it all off with a cherry and sprinkles
I went out with someone else
Just to make sure I made the right choice
Yet now I'm back to square one
One the first day he tried to kiss me again and again without asking
Tried to cop a feel in the movie theater
Refused to take me home until I kissed him
But thank God he didn't keep up that threat
So I went home and told him I didn't want to go on another date
I realized that
All I wanted was you
And I would rather suffer and be unhappy with you
Than be with someone who wanted to treat me like a princess
I just want you now
I've always wanted you
And it hurts so bad now that I don't have you anymore

She laid curled up on his bed with a blanket haphazardly covering her.  He had mindlessly thrown it in top of her, after she complained that it was cold, instead of taking the hint and moving to cuddle her. Instead of saying something bratty, she resolved to forget about it and shoved her face back into the feed of badly cropped stolen memes.

The room was otherwise filled with a comfortable silence, except for her occasional giggles, probably due to watching silly cat videos on Instagram as she always does, and his yelling at his friend Spider on Xbox. Or was it Lizard? It was some odd name of that sort.

While spending time together, there was never a need for them to constantly talk or look at one another, even though she couldn't help but steal glances at him from time to time. Even in their own two worlds, they were still able to find comfort merely in the other's presence.  

Her calf was closely nestled against his sweatpant-covered thigh, that being the only physical contact between them, at the time. Yet, he would periodically let go of his controller, reaching down with his right hand to squeeze her ankle. Before refocusing his attention back onto the screen, his thumb would stroke her skin.  A simple, reassuring touch to let her know he was still there and hadn't forgotten about her.

After a while, however, she grew dissatisfied with the brief touches he offered her, so she shifted closer to him, lifting her thigh over his. Content with this new position, she went back to her phone, resuming the YouTube video, an episode of a food series called "It's Alive!" She had recently discovered it and had already watched many, if not all, of the episodes currently posted.

All the while she was caught up in the countless spices and ingredients being thrown around, he had already caught onto her tactics.  Even though she didn't realize it herself, she was slowly positioning herself in a way where he would be forced to pay attention to her.  When she shifted onto him more the second time, he barely spared her a glance, with an amused expression on his face.

When the sun goes down
And the Moon is high
The padding of feet can be heard
Along we with a small scratch at my door
It would go unheard if I did not know to listen for it

In the dead of the night
A black, starless night
No other sounds are being made
Except for the croaking of frogs
Not yet the chirping of birds

He comes to my bedroom door
And expects to be let in
So I leave the warm embrace of my bed
And let him in so he can be a good friend

Tears streak down my face
Because of the sadness my body holds
I reach down and embrace him in my arms
His body warms mine with his soft fur and beating heart

Together we make our way back to the bed

Being suicidal is exhausting
Being perpetually exhausted makes me want to go to sleep and not wake up
It makes me not want to wake up in the morning
Because I'm just waking up to another nightmare
One that I can't escape
In sleep you're whisked away to another world
And eventually that world will fade away
Forgotten and discarded
But the one we live in doesn't
Being suicidal is an ugly cycle
That's almost impossible to escape
Sometimes there is a dim light that can lead you out of the darkness
But more often than not the darkness consumes you

Jealousy
The state or feeling of being jealous
Jealous
Feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages
Jealousy is a horrible feeling
Especially when you have no right to be jealous in the first place
When you break up, stop talking, whatever you want to call it
Any right you have to that person vanishes into thin air
Regret eventually will seep through your skin
Down into your bones
And God does it hurt
Jealousy will stop you dead in your tracks
Leaving you in a standstill
Without the ability to move on
Get over
Forget about
Everything
And it ******* *****
Seeing them with someone else
Who's prettier
Funnier
Smarter
Just plain better
It makes you want to crawl into the familiar embrace of your bed
And cry like you have so many times before
And sleep the ugly thoughts away
But there's no escaping them
They show up in your serene dreams
Transforming them into horrible, ugly, gut-wrenching nightmares
That make you scream so much your throat becomes raw
But in the morning you still get out of bed
Because that is what is expected and required of us
Because there's no place in the world for someone that can't even force themselves out of bed
Sadly it's not socially acceptable for you to sleep your life away
So you get up and face the world yet again
Just for those ugly thoughts to come back again
And again
And again
It ******* ***** man

It's amazing how
Just a year ago from now
I was best friends with a person
Talked non stop to a person
And now I can't even remember
their existence
No, it's not that I just forgot their name,
Or maybe even just what they
looked like
No, I forgot about their entire existence
Their name, their appearance, their
personality, their everything
On one hand, there might only be a
few people like this
But on the other hand, there could be
hundreds
Because my mind is not infinite
And when stretched thin
I start forgetting things that are
deemed unimportant or irrelevant
And it's a **** shame that turned
out to be you, and him, and her, and
who knows who else
It's a **** shame
I've forgotten all the funny jokes
that were told
Including those jokes you'd only
dare laugh at with your closest
friends
You know, those kind of jokes
It's a shame I forgot
The deep conversations we had at
3 in the morning when I couldn't
hold my eyes open but I also
couldn't stand the though of not
talking to you
I'm sad to say I've forgotten all the
meaningless conversations we had too
The kind where you just keep talking
about absolutely nothing just so
you can hear their voice
It's a shame I've forgotten all the
happy moments I've shared
with these faceless, nameless
people
Because those were the happiest
moments of my life
And I wouldn't trade the world for
them
But it's a shame all the bad times
were forgotten too
Yeah.  I know.
We all want to forget the bad moments
When we cried, got angry, and felt
bitter because of things we could
not have
Those moments are not the ones we
usually wish to hold on o
But nevertheless they are precious,
priceless, irreplaceable moments of
our lives
That only exist for us and the ones
we shared them with
But yet, that moment doesn't really
exist for them too?  Does it?
When all of these moments are
neglected, forgotten, looked over
They cease to exist
Lost forever in a black sea of
nothingness
There's no getting them back
There's no restore button
No history you can look through
where you can just click a link and
magically go back to where you
were
I know these moments can be
hideous, dreadful, appalling
moments
But like I said, I wouldn't trade
anything for them
Because of them I am where I am
today
And sure, that might not be a great
place right now
But it's better than where I could be
So trust me when I say it's a ****
shame that those moments and
those people are gone
Because at one point, they were
everything to me
And I mean everything
But now I can remember nothing

A girl with an eating disorder
With a monster trapped inside her
Drowning in a world of
Scales
Diet Pills
Alcohol
And perfection
Trying to reach out
And find the help that she so desperately needs
But instead she is met with
Disbelieving, supportive parents
Distrustful, but sometimes helpful staff
And anorexic, bulimic girls
Just like her
Girls along the same journey she is
On the road to recovery
Some get better
Some give up
Because you can not help a person
who does not want to be helped
It is not easy
Will never be easy
But she must push through the pain and suffering
Just like you and I have to

The soft melody flows
through the speakers
and into our souls
Soothing our aching hearts
and worrying minds
The steady beat synchronising
with our own
Taking us away
into another world
Full of pale pastels
and soft tapestries
And fluffy clouds
and green green grass

I met you through a friend of a former friend
And I found myself in you
All the insecurities and emotions I feel
I see reflected back at me
You put words to the thoughts and feelings I can't explain
You amaze me
Even if you're a disappointment to yourself
You're someone I can tell everything to
Someone who understands
because you go through, have went through the same stuff as me
And even more so
I found myself in you
And there are not enough words
that I could say to thank you enough for that

Have you ever heard of a phantom limb?
It's when someone loses an arm or leg,
but they still experience sensations
as if it's not gone.
It's kind of like when you lose someone.
You still remember their touch on your skin,
and how their hand fit perfectly in yours.
You remember how they smiled
and how it lit up the whole room.
You remember their voice and how the words
that came out of their mouth were perfect and so them.
You feel like they're still there.
But when you realize they aren't,
you experience the same agonizing pain and loss all over again.

The game is not simple
But it's one we all play
Continuously
All day, everyday
Some of us know the rules
We conform to them
Let them mold us
Others make the rules
They break them
And instead, shape them
They change the game
Completely
They're the ones who set the pace
And when the pace becomes harder
Some players get left behind
Unable to keep up
They become stuck at a crossroads
A place between levels of sorts
They're unable to continue
Incapable of finding the key piece to the puzzle
But on the other hand,
A hand that holds a different controller
There are those who excel at the game
These new rules empower them
Enable them to become the best of the best
But then there are also players who try to cheat the game
when they can't keep up
They don't believe in themselves or their potential
They use cheat codes and abuse glitches
While this allows some to go to the next level
For others it means game over
Because when they are caught cheating
There's no going back
What's done is done
So you much choose your actions wisely
Because the game is hard and forever changing
All you can do is hope you find some hints and power ups
And maybe some other players to help you along the way

A poem is flowing liquid
Ready to take on the form of any mold you give it
It fills up the corners and curves
Of any thoughts you wish to preserve

A poem is water,
ready to put out the fires
Of burning tears
And hidden fears

But it is also true
When I say a poem is gasoline
Because it ignites your mind
And all the thoughts it may hold
It burns a hole
through weary souls
And it lets the love and hate
Flow out of golden, sometimes broken gates

I wish I was
Pretty enough
Smart enough
Slim enough
Confident enough
Funny enough
Interesting enough
Nice enough
Good enough
For Me.

How can I ever vie for your
attention
When the girl that sits in front of
you is a conventional beauty
Her legs are toned
No makeup in sight
She's a star athlete
And in the top of her class
It's easy to hate her especially when
she has everything I don't
She doesn't even do anything
And I feel like she has taken
everything away from me

Distance seem unconquerable when a plane ticket and gas cost so much
Thousands of miles in between two souls destined to be friends
Oceans and mountains, languages and cultures, separating them
~
Telephones and computers, online communities and video games, bringing them together
Thousands of miles in between, the Internet making those miles meaningless
Distance is overcome by unlikely friends, reaching out to each other
~
Some friendships blossom into long conversations and love-filled smiles, and some wilt into painful silences and teary goodbyes
Two souls that are brought together will drift apart to meet new ones
Memories will fade while new ones are created

Come on friend get up now
You're not alone at all
Take my hand
Pick yourself up
Piece by piece
I'll help put you back together
Take my hand
I'll set you free
Come on friend get up now
You're not alone at all
I know you try
But sometimes it's too hard
So take my hand
I'll help you up
Lean on me and I'll help guide you
And show you what you can be
Come on friend get up now
You're not alone at all

I choose my steps carefully
When I'm around you
If I do everything successfully
I might get to keep you
I've made mistakes before
But I want to try again
I want us to be more
Than just friends who never talk again

I fell asleep listening to the rain last night
Too tired to put up a fight
Lightning illuminates my room
Then the thunder causes a loud boom
The storm that is raging outside my window
Makes the sky glow
It's hard to describe the color of the twilight
Maybe a dark orange or a muddy white
The rain just continues to fall
Like endless tears out of the night's eye
The world goes silent
Just for a moment
Then the sky starts to cry yet again

I woke up at eight
Ate breakfast before it was too late

Wrote some poetry with a pen
Then took a nap at half past ten

I woke up again at one
Went outside and basked in the sun

I ate a big lunch at two
Before I tied my left shoe

I arrived there at a quarter to three
I was at the library filled with glee

I left the old books around six
Wandered around and kicked some sticks

I walked home at eight
Since it was getting too dark and late

I ate a snack at nine
And talked to some friends online

I put on my pajamas at ten
Then I went to sleep and repeated the cycle again

She's a suicide bomb
Ready to go off at any minute
Waiting for the person who will push her over the edge
Into a black abyss full of tears and self-hate
Exploding once she reaches rock bottom
Lashing out at those around her
Trying to make them feel what she feels
Giving back the hate she was given
And causing the same tears that she shed

I play out countless scenarios involving you in my mind
Knowing they'll never happen
Even now, I imagine you sitting here, listening to me speak these words
Words that are filled with dreams of something more
I tell myself I should give up this hopeless fantasy of you
But I just can't seem to
I know it's pointless to keep imagining me and you together
But yet I still torture myself with what will never be

I hate feeling unsure about everything thing I do
Not knowing if what I'm saying is the right thing to say
And not knowing if what I'm doing is the right thing to do
I hate regretting every decision I make
And forcing myself to imagine all of the most horrible outcomes
This insecurity that controls me overpowers any happiness I feel
And I'm so tired of it
Tired of this hate I feel for myself
And tired of my inability to do anything about it
I should love myself for who I am and not have to change in order to do that
Because I am beautiful and perfect just like I am
But my eyes aren't able to see it
And my mind isn't able to think it
Others can say that I'm pretty and gorgeous and beautiful
But the words that come out of their mouths are incomprehensible to me
Depression-filled nights and binging on strawberry poptarts and cheerios is all I know
Not love for myself or others
All I know is nights where I just cry and cry until my mascara streaks my cheeks
Where my eyes burn from all the tears I've shed
Self-hate and insecurity are rearing their ugly heads once again
And I'm just so tired of having to see them
But yet I still get up the next day
Because that is what's expected of me
And because I know there's no other options but to push on and keep trying
I say I'm okay when I'm really not
And I cake my makeup on so the pain that lies beneath isn't seen
My tears and cries are hidden away between the four dark walls of my bedroom and they only come out at night when my day is over and I'm all alone
I'm all alone with no one to protect me and shield me from the pain I inflict upon myself
But then how would someone protect me from myself?
My thoughts run rampant
They cannot and will not be controlled
Not by me or anyone else

I want you to tell me I'm pretty
Tell me that my eyes are like stars
That my hair is gorgeous and soft
and that it frames my face in just
the right way
Tell me that I have a cute little
button nose and my glasses sit
perfectly on it
Tell me that the freckles that are
scattered over my skin are adorable
That my skin is like porcelain,
smooth and pale
That it doesn't matter if there are
imperfections
Tell me that even though I may
have them, tell me that they make
me even more real and beautiful
Tell me that my hands would fit
perfectly in yours
I want you to tell me all these things
But you never are able to
Instead you tell me
That my eyes are dull
and boring
That my hair would look better
blonde and longer
You tell me that my nose is too wide,
and my glasses make my eyes look
too small
You tell me my freckles would look
better gone
That my skin is so pale it makes me
look dead
And that I should go get a tan if
I want to even think about being
pretty
You tell me that my scars and
my blemishes need to be covered
That no one wants to look at that
You tell me that my hands are too
chubby, along with the rest of me
and my fingers are too short
I just want you to tell me I'm pretty
But I keep telling myself that I'm
anything but that