He was a puppy,
Blue eyes, stubby tail, floppy ears.
We walked every day
                Sometimes twice or three times
And he loved every one.
Chasing squirrels, watching birds,
Looking back toward me
Showing love the way only a dog can.

He got bigger, our times together did too.
Then my little girl was born into this life
          And suddenly I didn’t have time.
No time for walks
No time for lounging
No time for ear scratches watching rain
No time no time no time!

I wish I had taken the time.

Yesterday he crossed the rainbow bridge.
Seven years is entirely too few.
It felt like this could never happen
Like he’d be there no matter what
But I wasn’t there for him.
I had to say goodbye through a grainy
Video.
And now he’s gone.

I wish I had taken the time.

How many times I walked past him?
How many times I didn’t reach out?
How many times I kept on going about
My day?
But what about his day?
Wasn’t I his whole day?
Wasn’t I his morning, noon, and night?
Wasn’t my attention all he wanted?

I wish I had taken the time.

And now…
God ****** now… HOW?!
How do I explain to a 3 year old
That Duke isn’t coming home today?
That Duke’s bed will always be empty?
That Duke’s fish won’t need food in it?
That Duke’s leash will gather dust?
That we’ll never hear his ears shaking
Or his feet tapping
Or his “ahh-rooo” howling?
That he’s gone

I wish I had taken the time.

Why didn’t I just take the ******* time?

For months I’ve promised myself I would do this,
Said over and over “I need to write more.”
Well I’m finally doing it.
Starting today I’ll write every day.
Sometimes it will hurt and sometimes I will struggle.
Struggle to find the words and struggle to find
The motivation—
But I will write.
I’m not an overly confident person and I fight mightily with my demons.
But writing helps and I don’t write enough.
So expect to see me more; those of you in this community—
Because I’m back and I’m writing!

This approaching despair,
This feeling like everything’s out of control,
The want to run from myself.
Knowing that you’re done with me,

Feeling like I’m drifting through everyday
Like a rudderless boat in a swirling sea.
Feeling like who I am
Isn’t me.

I’ve felt this before
And I hoped I never would.

I find myself doing the things you used to do.
The way you'd bite your lip when you were thinking.
The way you'd put your hands together
During a scary movie.

I find myself mimicking the little things
That I loved about you.
And it breaks my heart to feel this;
That I can't get you out of my head.

Your actions, your smile, your voice:
They're imprinted in my brain.
You became a part of me
And I think that's what made it hurt so much
When you left and took that part of me
With you, away from me.

Everybody tells me
"Just get over it"
"Move on"
"It was just a stupid summer crush"

But you were everything to me
And I don't think I'll ever be able to feel that again.
I steeled my heart and closed off my mind.

I'll never let anyone in like that again.
Never.

But sometimes... I want to