I wear the badge of honor on my chest,
saying I've been through hell and back
and I'm still living,
some say
that when they've looked into my eyes
they see an undeniable strength
and deep intense pain
so what do I say to that ,
I say that is truth.
But maybe I wanna stop having to feel that
my victim stories
are all who I am
because they are not,
I am only now starting to find myself
at 26 it feels so late in a way
its so hard to relate to many people

I feel like the  small talk
makes escape feel easy
or hard whichever way you wanna see it
I feel like I wanna just run again
change my name
so I forget my family
so I forget the religion
that brought me up
to shame myself
my body
my sexuality
and to make me hate my gender
of being a women
when will we stop allowing others
to teach our children hatred
I wanna be a force of fire
in the world
a fire to eradicate the abuse
the hurting the pain
to be the voice of the voiceless
maybe my poetry
helps someone I don't know
maybe this is why I write
real pain exists in the world
but it doesn't end there ,
I am healing ,
but the road can be quite rocky at times
so I wear my battle scars
as a badge of honor
to know I've made it this far
so I can go on
for more
for longer
to hold out for hope
that things will get better and improve.

Thick thighs
I would love to feel them beneath my hands
press my hands against you
feel your body beneath mine
and hear your cry

rebuilding my life apart from the toxicity
every time i listen to myself
cook myself a meal
spend a day in peace and harmony
knowing i don't have to deal with treachery anymore
healing is in the small things

Maybe this sounds hippie of me
although some might classify me as that
being who I truly who I am ,
but I can't be classified
into to tiny boxes,
just to please others.
:
Its like I left therapy
and I felt so free
more free than I have felt ,
in the longest time
realizing that who we are
is always who we are
even though
my" family and friends",
spend decades hurting me
because they hated who I was,
for whatever reason that is,
maybe its  because I break
their expectations of what a woman
is suppose to be like,
act like and who
she is suppose to love,
some will say I'm a rebel
a ****
a witch
a ******
an emo
a freak
a loser
messy
etc...
I've been called it all...
maybe others can't stand
to see others living more in their authentic truth,
so they like to hurt and project their pain onto others,

maybe our bodies and minds
hold back certein truths about ourselves
so that we don't see it until we are more ready to love ourselves,
           :
Its like for so long
I liked certein types of men
that I was raised to hate,
because they weren't "man enough."

I was forced to live without boundaries
to like people that were abusive
because that's all that I knew,
when the whole time my body always knew the truth.

or that I was forced to hide my love for women,
because I was brought up in a home and in a religion
where if you are one of those,
the shame the level of being ostracized is so high,
I remember hearing stories of "the gays"
growing up
while always internally knowing,
that part of me is like that too,
to be able to sit with a therapist
and have her say to me
who you are is perfectly alright,
and  that it doesn't quite matter,
you have choice
you are free!!!

See that I've never had in my life,
the more I step away from the horrors of my old life,
the more I am able to acknowledge
how horrific it was,
and sometimes just the fact that,
I am alive and breathing is a blessing
in itself.
If you made it this far ,
leave a comment below
and tell me if you relate:)

sometimes I think
I wander
what is the point in it all?!
sometimes the pain
that I feel so deep
INSIDE
feels just too much too
bear
to meet myself inside
with all my pains
dissapointments
wishing pains
of laughter
feel so lonely
it hurts to breathe
when I sit in therapy
struggling to breathe
to be present
it feels chokin
to feel the pain
of being alive
to feel the pain
of the past
that is no longer present
except within
to ask questions to my pain
and to hear it responding
but maybe there is a purpose
to it all
eventhough
its so painful
maybe my pain matters alot.
maybe my body always loves me
what if ive been taught lies all this time
that I don't matter
I don't count
and that I should just shrink down
and dissapear
no maybe
I was meant to be a change in the world,
to see that the pain internally
is reflected by what is not in alignment
in my life ,
to recenter myself
realign my life
and to live a life with greater meaning
even if that sometimes includes some pain.

break the rules
listen to the pulsing music
crash the things
holding me back
allow my anger to take hold of me
to feel it for the first time in my life
F the standards
F being a good gurl
F being a people pleaser
and
F being fake
Yes to being me
and to being authentic
its cost me alot
many things to be myself
so now I will be myself
and if anyone tries to bully me
I will give it to you back,
so watch out
be kind to all
you never know
who will become a bad ***
mother fcker one day.

Trust me
noone ever thought it would be me.
I was always the people pleaser
catering to everyone else
never speaking my truth
and never saying what I thought
currently unlearning
I will take my power back
and I will fight for the silenced
the ones that society doesn't care for,
well I  will care for
them.

It's like a hunger
but larger than one for food
that almost consumes me.
Its a hunger for love
for real acceptance
for others seeing me as who
I AM
without masks
with being able to be free
from the never ending ache and pain
in my soul ,
of utter rejection and torture
by my own flesh and blood,
each birthday that passes
each shabbat dinner that passes
and each  holiday that I live on ,without them.

Feels like a possession in a way.

I am  yet so free on one hand
but on the other hand I still feel  so trapped in pulsating pain

But why do we fear pain ??

maybe if we take our pain and our fears
and we learn to love it ,
to sit beside it,
with our demons,
we can learn how to truly love and live life,
more fully and more deeply
          
I am learning to accept
that this pain is me,
and I am this pain,
and I am my feelings, but I am also not them
that I can choose the trajectory  of my life
to learn how powerful I truly am.
               ^
How one look or stare
can bring people to their knees.
                     ^
see because  when you have lived through things like I have
you really understand pain more than anything else,
Pain is the central emotion,
that I felt so much that I was numb for so long
now I am carrying my pain and allowing it to be heard
slowly more and more
to sit in the fields
and to just scream my guts out
and to yell all the curses outloud,
                     ^
I have seen and lived through more pits
of unbearable hell.
Than most,
who  haven't survived,
nonethless I came out alive
which is a big feat in itself.
                            ^
I feel that I can read people's secrets through their eyes
the things they don't wanna tell others
the desires that they try to suppress deep inside.
                           *
But what I have learned
is that religion or culture might try to suppress
what they think
is "bad" or "wrong".

But that is what all humans crave on some level,
and until we sit and see this and own all of this.
only than can we be truly free
and it gives you true power,

Not fake power,
see I have met many "successful people"
in my life
but most lived in a prison
of the rat race
or of religion
and that is true prison ,
you can be rich and be free
it is all choice,
and I think the greatest power
is to be in the process
of truly being who you are
regardless,
if many reject you or hate you ,
usually it is because you have a really great purpose
in this world,
because the ones that people judge the most,
Are usually  the ones that are the most powerful desired
successful and happy people.

I hate the men
that hurt me so deeply
I hate the women
who tore my heart open
and ate me alive
that's why as much as I want to be in love
I am so afraid of it
because of my past.
One of my past abusers
messeged me
today
that he knows that he assaulted me and wishes to talk
and hopes I am good
what did you think ?
because I am a woman
that you can decevie me
no i see right through your devilish ways
and I know you ahve assaulted other women besdies me
it makes me so so angry
never will anyone
take away my kindenss
I learnt real kindness means
making sure bad people never get access to you
and letting the universe take care of them.

I trust that god will do what needs to be done
and I will always trust myself.

liberal & conservative both are prisons with different features
in order to achieve the  true freedom you must exit both
and learn how to think for yourself !
see the lies within both and the truth in the end.
Learn how to  
exit the matrix

5 months of sobriety
i literally never thought
this was possible for me
ever.
you can accomplish anything.

what this culture taught me here
is beauty in simplicity
in being ourselves in wearing jeans and graphic tees
barefoot partying
in loving life despite the chaos and pain surrounding us
in strength in unity and in the pulsing heat
and the clammer and fast paced hebrew life
and in the immense  amount of beauty in this
land  
that I can now proudly call my home.

it seems the more i heal
the more I cry
I cry for all of the years
I was so numb
I never knew how I felt
others may look at crying as a weakness
but its so strong to cry
to release emotions
to be in tune with the self
to look at your fears
at your shadow self in the mirror
and claim yourself
and say yes these "darker "parts of me
are still me
to realize your fears and your past traumas
and work on actually healing them
you learn how to take control of your life
instead of just letting it pass you by
and making you the victim.

I just remembered
how the best friend that  i thought  i had growing up
who was also my first love
how horrible she and my other friends were too m e
throughout my whole life
I still don't understand how people can be so so horrid,
how when I was bullied throughout my life, they never cared
how when I confronted her about at age 21 she couldn't believe me,
how they gaslit me and my pain
how they defended my enemies
the ones who scorched me alive with their words
the one who sided with my own mother and parents,
when I told her how much they abused me
& how my dad  ***** me so much,
that they made me at that time, want to slit my throat
and still she proceeded on.

Now i see you and your true colors
your all liars & horrible people
and I am so blessed that I cut you all out of my life.

The ones who took advantage of
my love my kindness my pure heart
the one who only wanted her whole life
to be loved in the way that I tried to love others.
All my ex friends ex family& ex flings
everyone used me and bullied me.

Does anyone fathom the pain?!!

I just don't relate to most people
who say oh I went through a few hard things,
my whole life for along while ,
it was hell on earth
i don't know  how I'm alive
I don't
but I promise to myself
that number one I will create goodness in the world
and i will not shut up about my past
so that other  people know that this level of abuse is truly out there,
so that they also know that is is possible to heal
from all of this pain and move on and create beauty out of pain.

How so many souls are tortured alive
by their own blood
by the people who claim to love  them
and really are just waiting to stab them
when their flesh is still raw
when people would blame me for the rapes done to me
of how much real religion is  a machine for torture and  abuse
of how much hell truly goes on,
how its hard to look in the mirror
or  to feel my body sometimes
because its known so much pain
to feel so much pain for just being a women
that your whole life  you thought you wanted to be both a girl and a boy
and really now realizing now,
that  I was just abused horriffcly
that feeling growing up  that I was a women, felt so so unsafe,
so that's how many women feel in 2023
this world needs to change
and i won't shut up about it.

one of my fav things to do is to play music
late at night when the whole world is asleep
and there is such peace and quietness
true peace,
the more I change,
the more my music does!
Instead of romanticizing pain 24/7,
why not romanticize our futures /our goodness &our desires ...
I love to sit in the sunshine at 12pm or 3pm and feel the grass in my toes
and watch the dogs around me it literally  feels like bliss on earth.
I think if more people worked on unprogramming themselves ,
they would  soon realize,
and experience more bliss in this life ,
but honestly,
most of my life was filled with so so so much pain,
for an extremely long time.
But  I think the only way to get to  experience more of what is true joy,
Is to experience lots of pain at least most of the time,
it is that way.
We have the  choice,
Transmute the pain,
or let it rot inside of us,
consuming us,
eating us alive,
Being supressed for all time .

Today is holocaust remembrance day here
and yet the world is still such a hateful place,
it worries me so much
I as a Jew have been brought up
on so many  horror stories
they tell us as children
your ancestors
were murdered starved and  were beaten for being Jewish
for thousands and thousands of years
most recently being in 1939
but there are many hate crimes that have happened since then.

When I lived in America
I too felt that hatred
towards me
because I was a Jew
in 2019
so it made me leave
to my jewish country.
where we are still killed for being here
for just existing
its like with each death
my heart becomes more and more numb
to the death of my people
all because of needless hate
I wonder if  hate can do that ,
can love heal this and heal us ?
or when my  great grandparents felt that hatred too,
In Germany in 1924, so they left in 1926.

love can truly heal our world
I still will believe that ,
no matter what.

I feel like I've died a million times
but dying alive
hurts the most
when you've always just wanted
life to end .
It still feels like that  way alot,
when you've realized everyone
you thought
cared about you
was your friend
was really your enemy
hurt you
gaslight you
bullied you
used your kindness
against you.

All I wanna do is cry about it and rage on forever and ever
the pain inside
feels so hard,

so when people say cut all the toxic people out
well I have and now I have no one
absolutley noone

and when I go out in public
all I feel is paralyzed by grief
and so so  much pain
I've been hurt so much
that I don't recognize my face in the mirror
and pimples have formed in the place
of my once clear skin
its like reminding me
the pain inside
has come to greet me on the outside.

I so wish with all my heart
that I had family and friends in my life
its like being an orphan
but everyone is alive  all around you
besides you
this is how I feel most days lately
while I do feel happier I also feel
the deepest pain
ever,
it feels like its killing me alive.

in fact I have felt this way always
but never cried about it or written about it before.
I have felt rejected since birth
by my own mother .

sometimes I just ask myself
why was I born ?!!

I know I have a purpose
but many times it just  feels like too too  much .

I think self hate is fed to us since birth
that we must always hide away our
"flaws"
must always look like a 10
must always look thinner
curvier
have perfect flawed skin
my whole life my worth was counted on
by how beautiful I looked
and to now break that
and to find myself beautiful
but without that being the whole of my worth
feels so incredibly hard
to beat the voices in my head
that belittle me
the greatest compliments
were I love your soul
I love your energy
your so beautiful and kind
and loving and compassionate
why can't we as a society judge others
yes by their beauty because we are all beautiful
but also by how kind our souls are.

Always hid myself
Behind makeup
Behind fancy clothing
Behind needing to always be with people
But what I'm realizing
Is that I am still beautiful
Even more so maybe
Without makeup
With my acne
With my scars
With my beautiful curvy body
With wearing simplier comfier clothing
With embracing my natrual gifts and talents
Loves and joys
By opening up my heart to life
But still keeping to my boundaries
By being more present
By admiring the orange trees and flowers growing on the side of the road
With my coffee and prayers in hand
To appreciate the books
The seen and the unseen
To love and care for planet earth
To help others feel loved in my presence
And to live a slower life
To love my traditions my roots
To appreciate where I came from
While still loving and embracing my current Israeli life ✨
Things don't need to be perfect or photoedited
To be beautiful and pure
In fact in a world of plastic surgeries and fakness
Maybe it is that much more beautiful to be real and raw ✨🧿

I look  up
and then around me
society says" EW look at her
shes a witch
shes a freak
shes a creep
look at the way she taps her hands
walks barefoot on the ground
is a neurodivergent
artist
is lazy,
you must return
to the hustle culture
you must stop with your nonsense
with your feminism
with your dreaming etc...
with your believing in magic and spirituality.

My whole life
everyone laughed at me
mocked me for being myself ,
my parents ,my brothers and pretty much everyone
I've been so misunderstood
that I haven't even understood
myself
or the friends that I had,
looking back,not really sure
that they were my friends.
If and when I was truly myself .

I remember in my past lives
when I was also a witch
I was beaten tortured
and drowned,
just for being a women/ a witch
when they talk about  the patriarchy
this is it ,
I am still a witch in this lifetime  
althought there isn't outright opression
like it was back then,
I still find it a struggle
because I've never ever
fit in and when I tried
it felt like a taste from  the burning hell,

I wish that society was more accepting and understanding
of different types of human beings.
I certeinly strive to be.
I don't know if this is a poem
or an essay
I don't really know what is it
to be honest with you ,  
All I know is that,
I am really trying to do the work in healing myself
and understanding
that where there is a will
there is a way,
everyone has a different purpose
and this is part of mine.

Tell me your darkest desires
and I will show you who you truly are inside
why is it that most of us humans
are so afraid of being vulnerable
and real
I think that we as a world can heal so much
if we allow all of our shadows to come to life
with true healing love and compassion
so show me your deepest darkest truths
and I will show you
who you truly are inside
the you that is raw
that is inpenetrable
the one that is lovable
admist all of the pain
don't fear your shadow its your greatest teacher

the way I stared at your thighs
your tattoos
the dragon
oh how much
I wanted to taste you
in that moment
make you more than a friend to me
and in the way you smiled at me
and said I'd love to date you ,
alas it was never meant to be,
so now I am only left with
my hurting lonely heart
wandering about you
and feeling the ache
of wanting my hand
in between your thighs
and your kisses in the
moonlight under the moonlight
for I wanted you to
be my first girl lover
but alas my bisexual desires
are still only just that
desires .

I see you in my mind's eye
pleasuring me
being inside of me
feels like bliss
I miss you
your lips
your eyes
your **** quiet look
that  way that you can  look at me from
across the room
and I feel warm inside
no one says, its just about that
to me it's not
to me I really liked you ,
even though it was only just  once
I think about you almost every
single day,
the hot desire
the feeling of being effortless
with you
at the cafe
you being my gentleman
and I your princess
I miss that ,
and the way you whispered
to me
I like you like that
you are so ****
you turn me on so much:)
I like to think about those thoughts
with you ,
I wonder if you still
think the same
bout me ?
;)

If i could write a poem about myself it would be this.
learning to fall in love with myself
consists of finding random bands,
no one has ever heard of
dressing myself in dresses
having tea parties in my mind with my stuffies  and dollies
hugging myself while I cry and explore my world
watering my plant babies,
exploring spirituality, mysticsim & magic
what makes the world tick
creativity
and what makes my heart sing
stimming to the music
when I walk down the streets
singing with my heart open wide,
eyes high
not giving a care in the world,
running barefoot through a field of dandelions
and daffodils,
catching the waves in my heart
to match my smiles
the seashells on the shore
on the sides,
watching me smile
in despair love and joy ,
encompassing all my ranges of emotions.

The feeling
aches
rages within me
all day
of just being left
so alone
so abandoned
I don't think I have ever been so alone
in my life,
its like no words escape my lips
I'm just so alone
and people promise to meet me,
and see me
say "they miss me.."
and than they dissapear
and I  don't hear from them
and I'm left alone
to face my demons inside
the ones I've always pushed away
the ones that have always shattered me inside.
and I always swallowed it down
swalloed it away,
saw everyone else fall in love around me
and still I was left all alone.
See everyone around me
go out with their friends ,
and me not feeling like I truly ever had anyone
who truly saw me,
and so I cut all of them out ,
because they all treated me so badly,
but inside inside
I was weeping crying raging
like a beat up horse
stuck in the wild
feral all alone,
my whole life
I took care of everyone else ,
in hope that one day
someone might see me
and see my pain,
would want to see what made my heart tick
what made my heart sing
the ones who pertended to
and would then just use me
abuse me
and say oh but she is so cute looking
no I'm not, see me.
but how can others see us
if we refuse to see our true selves
how can we have true friends
if we refuse to be our own true friend,
how can we expect others to not abuse us,
if we continue to abuse ourselves,
so now AS I sit broken here alone,
hugging my pillow in despair
not knowing what it  is to love,
to truly laugh,
to know what it is like to experience pleasure
to feel love
my whole life,
I have had a dream to be saved,
without even realizing that
I am the only one,
who can save myself ,
see nothing can save me,
not the *** addiction or the love addiction.
the vanity of wanting to look perfect all the time,
of wanting the food to fill the void within,
of wanting the repression to save me
to not bury me anymore,
but the only way out is through
so maybe tears are miracles ,
maybe tears are beautiful presents of love
maybe tears are hidden transformations
of droplets of love ,
hidden beneath the stars,
maybe healing is about learning to accept
the shadows that come up,
understanding that pain and love are two sides of the same coin
and when you can sit with yourself as you cry and burn
and get back up and take care of yourself again all alone
is when you learn to become the true warrior
and to learn that your voice holds so much power
to unlock codes of activation within your soul
and that when you heal yourself
you become so powerful
UNSTOPPABLE!
To be able to truly experience life and love
instead of or in place of where addictions once were
isn't that the true purpose of life
not to chase after money or ***
but when we are healed and healing
we can have healthy relationships
healthy love and have a healthy purpose
and when we understand the shadows
we understand ourselves
because the world wants to deceive us
and have us think
that we are just always meant to be happy
and if you aren't than there must be something wrong with you
I say no the ones who truly feel pain
and express it
can feel and experience  true joy and true love
and without doing the work we don't truly experience either
why do you think people drink so much and use so much ?
to forget to numb , to not truly feel anything ,
what if we all just had one big crying session all together
and held space for each other
I believe that would help to heal the world so much,
but I think what also helps to heal is kindness
kindness to plants and animals and even insects they feel it all tooo
we are all connected as one conciousness and when we harm one
like mother earth than we are all harmed as a whole.
when you see that old man struggling on the sidewalk or the poor
man haggered all alone and crying
do you have the kindness and love inside of you
to stop to care or to simply wish them love
most people don't why I honestly don't know
I have so many reasons why I should be the most hateful
bitter mean and abusive person in the world.
In fact my family most of them are all that way ,
but even tho parts of me are so hardened,
my heart is still the most alive.
My biggest dream since I have been so alone is to help
save humanity and still even within my struggle
I still do the best I can to help others
truly no one has any excuses in life to be a mean person
everything is choice evolve or stay the  same .
that is all

My whole life
all i dreamed of was being free
in every way
free from religion
free from my toxic family
free from my toxic friends
but what I never realized
is that I have to free myself
in order to be the most
FREE!
so here's to
FREEDOM
the spirit of the equinox
and of Passover

Life gets to be so so beautiful
and amazing
when perspectives shift
and align
anew
blessed beauty you find
within as long as you
are countin' your
Blessings !

Watch your world reappear
as brand new
as below so above
its just the rules of the universe
watch your blessings manifest and appear
easily like magic
life gets to be so amazing,
you just gotta believe in you
and you will soar
higher than you ever
have before !

I love to write
when the rain pitter patters on my
window pain
lovin healin
my inner me
my inner child
showin myself the love
that I never received from others
healing my wounds
lovin levelin up
my life as a whole
happier to be me
we truly are
what we consume
and that shapes us into who we
truly become
watch it
love it
learn it
and soak up the joy
that is you
and be happy to be you
you are worthy of love
worthy of joy
worthy of the best in the world
don't listen to societie's judgements
of self
most are sick and hurt
once you give compassion to you
you can give compassion to others
and learn to love you
and love who you can
truly be and become.

Anger seeps through me
and runs through my veins
activated Godess dark energy
unites within me
I want to stop being afraid
face my demons head on
and stop muffling my screams and cries
repression no more
It is too hard to hold anymore.

keep your ecards
keep your compliments
the **** away from me
I hate you
I hate your face
I hate knowing what you did to me
my whole life
the way that I was tortured by you
and your still standing
untouched
the way my traumas live on in my brain
the way that my family that was suppose to love me
that I did everything for
rejected me and hated me
now I am living in a country far away from you
but still it reminds me
the religion is always here
taunting me
telling me see
your worthless
see your a rebel
see your family hates you
and that is the greatest pain of all
see for years all i was told
was go to therapy
but noone
noone in my whole life
thought to ask me
what the **** happened to you ?!!
how could your parents do that to you ?!!!
They just obeyed it
like  the silent ******* that they were.
especially
the women
like little eves
to the theieves of our joy
the agressive mysgonistic men
and the mysognistic women
that were forcibly made to be that way.
So no
Don't send me cards
askin me
If I am okay
it will take so much more than that
for me to be okay
and honestly even if you did say sorry to me
it would take so much more than that
for me to be okay with all this
It feels like It will take me a while
it feels like for the first time
I don't wanna give a **** about my family
that has hated me for so long.
It is so hard
I long for my grandmother
who was like my mother to me
who loved me so much
but she's dead now and I miss her so much .
I want to love myself firmly
and be my own family
because that's literally all I got right now.
I've been on a long treacherous journey
but now I've arrived.

I swear
next time a person  tells me ,
"oh she looks like a  little ****
OH SHE WAS
ASKIN FOR IT !
OH YOUR BODY
IS THE REASON
YOU WERE TOUCHED
oh she's slept with too many men ,
oh she's too much of an angry feminist."

I would love to ask them
well
WHYYYY
do you think she's such an
ANGRY FEMINIST
I know why I AM!!!!
;

BECAUSE when so many men &women
have ***** abused assaulted
hurt me with words
emotionally abused manipulated
gaslighted me
you feel poisoned by the men
who should've protected you
and when you feel that way by many women too
than where does that leave you ??
it leaves you hating most people
so stop tellin' us
TO STOP BEING
MAD
START
CHANGIN'
AND THEN
JUST SHUT
THE HELL
UP!!!

I should've seen it
maybe I did
but I didn't listen
came in dressed to the party
as a NEO ****
making **** jokes
NEVER MIND
YOU KNEW
my family was murdered by them
by people
LIKE YOU !!!
I scrame
FAKER
ABUSER
ASSAULTER
I AM NOW
SHREIKING
INSIDE
AGAINNNN
It HAPPENED AGAIN
Now all I can do is play music in my house,
do you understand
every holiday and sabbath of my life
was ruined by a
MAN"S TOUCH!!!!!
FIRST
MY DAD '
than
ALL THE OTHERS !
WHY CAN"T ALL OF YOU
HORRIBLE MEN
JUST DIE
leave us in
PEACEEE
only the
GOOD MEN '
GOOD PEOPLE REMAIN
HERE
KARMA is done.
justice is paid .
THINGS ARE DUE
DON"T BELIEVE
THAT I AM WEAK!
I am the keeper of  the shadows,
I AM learning to be the master of my shadows
everyone says to be scared of the darkness.
BUT I just learned  to embrace
see there is nothing wrong with darkness
it is where we are all from
the womb
MY LILITH is with me
AND if you dare mess with me
I see it
they don't talk about deep healing ,
people think it comes from flowers and angels
but NO
It COMES
from HEARTWRENCHING SCREAMS
CRIES
FEELING TRAPPED
beneath your bed
in the bathroom
cutting out your arms
watching the blood bleed
bleed down your arms
thinking about death all the time
since I WAS FIVE
wanting to grow up
SO FAST,
SO FAST!
SO I COULD ESCAPE
watching shows and books
JUST TO GET OUT!!!!

When you have been in your darkness for so long
you don't understand joy for a while,
but than you learn that if you can feel the pain
the abyss of pain
than you can feel joy too
BUT FOR NOW
KNOW
I have been
BEATEN every part of me
DESTROYED
BUT NOW I'M RISING
AND NO ONE CAN EVER STOP
ME AGAIN
SO I press
BLOCK
on my phone
to all of you
and I wish you to hell!

I don't feel safe again
in my own bed
a sea of naseu
forms my lips
here I was drugged
touched
hurt
here I told him no
last night ,
here he touched me again again
I said no
again the kiss
forbidden
he says sorry
and thinks he's okay
I wish one day
someone could see my pain
and tell me that this is not okay
but no one really cares so much
because I am alone.
so alone...
when I went to the police
beaten and raw
they tell me
I'm a mess that its my fault
you get away with it
with your lies and narcissim
but inside me
all I feel is screams
raging
arms
people tryin to shut me out
tryin to ****** my soul
my spirit
but here I am still fighting
to thrive,
from when
I was always silent
SILENT
when my DAD
***** me
when my Brothers touched me
no one cared
no one cared
my mom hurt me
threw me away,
when I came to the police
with so much proof
no one cared
When I told others
and told my boundaries
no one cared
she asked for it
shes fat
shes a loser
does anyone understand
how much abuse shatters inside
it makes me feel
like no matter how much progress I make
like I'm just pulled back to another cycle
of it
of abuse of pain
of wanting to die all over again
of seeing my abusers
still livin'
still alive
still laughing
someone make it
JUST STOP!
Make all of them hurt
because the pain is just
unbearable inside
so I cry to my dieties
in my room
and sing on top of my lungs
out of my pain
;
You will still never break me
I will still  publish my poetry
so I have a place for my words
for my voice
because I never did .
I will publish my songs about my abuse
I will publish my voice
so everyone will know
about my stories of how I saved myself
from my darkness!
These men think
that I am weak
but I see right through you
and you are horrid
just evil inside
and I hope one day your  karma
will come and  take care of you
within your right time.

SO ANGRY
where do i go
do i go home
why did the abuser
have to feel so familar
so happy
i got out in 2 days
instead of longer
it hurts
that I felt the pain again
ANGRY
so
ANGRY
at the patriarchy
at the men
who claim to be good
when they are really just
fetishizing
hating creatures
who believe
that they can try to control me
manipulate me
influence me
or bend me to their ways
but SORRY
to break you
YOU CAN"T
BREAK ME
OR FORCE ME
TO DO ANYTHING
I will be respected
no matter
who I must avoid
or cut off
I CHOOOSE ME
NO MATTER WHAT
I am tired of men ruling my life
I am
as well as all of the ancestors behind me
raging against most of the horrible men out there
For the good men out there
I can't wait to meet more of you
and to actually converse
and have nice interactions

Inner child :
Will I ever be Free?
Will I ever be able to soar with the birdies outside ?
Will I ever be able to be in nature ?
Will I ever be able to be queer to express myself?
Will I ever be able to leave my house and be free?
Will I ever hear peace and quiet ?
Will I ever stop to be able to hear my own voice?
Will I ever meet nice people ?
Will I ever live in Israel?

Yes child ,
I am telling you sobbing with so much love in my heart for you ,
WE did it ,
WE are alive
we are happier
we are alone
but we are happier ,
we left our religion  and our abusive home and family.
we are creating a life with our own rules and meaning
for ourselves ,
we are creating safety
we are learning how to love ourselves
we are learning how to be truly free
babe we did it !!!!
we are here we are alive
we made it this far
We go out into nature ,
we now are able to be more of who we are,
I know you didn't think that you'd be alive
until now,
that after wanting to **** yourself
for so long
you are starting to feel what it finally  feels like
to actually want to live ,
to actually want to see how your life will play out.
Babe we did it!
I want you to know how much I love you so much,
and how much I am so proud of you
for holding on tight
and for being you :)
I love you my baby.

I used to always talk
just to fill the silence
I used to chase people
to talk to them
to condone my lonely heart
now I am learning
to keep myself silent
to be still
that silence is power
that those who speak do so with intention
that being alone is a power
and that being with others is also
and that intention is oh so so important.
with everything
and within it all.

I think I am starting to truly understand who I am
I was born into the world as an ultimate
pattern disrupter
as society's taboo,
I show people their shadows,
treated as an outcast for forever in my past,
now I am working on loving myself fully,
and radical acceptance.
I have been queer for as far back as
I can possibly remember
And how much I have hated this
and tried to wish it away
pray it away
since i was a child,
I felt like a half man
half women
and I never had words to express it
but even the labels that people want to name me
as gender fluid etc... don't fully describe it
I don't even want to get too attached to it
because  I just wanna fully  accept who I  am
as being fully okay and loved,
and the fact that I have always loved women
the way their skin tastes
the way their bodies move
the way that I look at them
and my body feels tingly and alive inside
and that I always felt that I had a great secret
that I could never share
because where I am from ,
it was seen as sinful and disgusting
and although I have come out,
these words still ring in my head every single day
and the men that I love are everything that I was taught
that men shouldn't be and I was forced to hate them
And my heart broke all the while
I want to be with a man that is kind loving
beautiful that is pretty a person that is spirtual
open midned a person that loves men and women
a person that is artsy , that is a pretty boy
that is such a beautiful person that I will feel lucky
to say that he is mine
someone that is my best friend
even though my thoughts my past and people
want me to believe that men are horrible
I refuse to believe
I will see each person as who they are.
I also want a girlfriend
to cook with
paint with and to love forever
I was taught to be straight
to be monogamous
to be bland
to be shallow
to be baseline
to play the social games ,
but that is not me and it never was .
I am tired of this playing this ridiculous game !
But I feel really scared to be out of  all of this,
all of me out in the open
because the times that I have ,
people have said the meanest things
but I also remember the good times
as well the kind people
who told me ,
that I am colorful
that I am pretty and beautiful
for being the fluid being that
I am and that I don't need to change that
for anyone,
and to meet people who are polyamarous
and to see that you can be happy
and that you can live your own way of life.
Many tell me  that
I can't tell that you were religious before
because maybe I seem so liberal and open minded
now,
but you don't know how much
I fought and how much I was ostracized by everyone ,
just for being myself
a deep soul
so as I sit here crying
trying to understand who
I am,
It feels so  hard to be a soul in a body
in a world ,
where people just see bodies
many times,
I wish that we could just
all see souls
and love life in that manner
and to tell my inner child
that somewhere in someone's world,
I am wanted
I am normal and
that I am okay
and that I have my own place
of belonging in this world .
That I am just who I am
a woman with a magical name
in a magical being
and that it is okay to wear what I want
love who I want
and to feel masculine and feminine at different times,
without needing to put myself in a box.

shame
shame
shame
shame
why is it
that I feel you all day
its like every moment
your shrinking in the back of my mind
wanting me to collapse for you
but no
I absolutley  refuse to
its like the shadows
I feel ashamed that
I feel mostly gay
but I crave a man's touch
but that I feel my attraction is very different towards men
than the way that society tells me that it should be
I just feel so much shame still
that I am so different than others
and while I am working so so hard
on loving and accepting myself
the shame aspect comes up
it feels so hard
so I coddle myself in my shame
and try to embrace it
knowing that with time
it will fade away.

Today while High
I cried,
like I never have before,
or like I have
but not in a long  long time
while being truly alone .
The people on the street
Askin' me
Are you okay?
I say yea
And Walk Away.
But really
I wanna scream & shout & yell so very loud
To Say,  
guess what
I am not okay !
I never was !
And I am Workin'
on the Will Be okay part ...
To walk the neighborhood
with the  shattered memories
of  pain
sprinkled everywhere
trinkled along the blocks
not knowing if I will see
one of the abusers
when I walk down the
Fckin' street
to eat a **** sandwhich !

See most of the time
I am still so numb
Shake my hands from anxiety
Blind out the daily pain
with loud blaring music
and try to wash the pain away.

I don't get it
I invited you to my birthday party
a month and a half ago ,
and you took the way
with your needless jealous eyes and hatred.

Or the man who hurt me
After I told him NO!
And repeatedly follows me
with his eyes.

I wish people could just,
grow up do the right thing
and stop hurting others
specifically me !

Realized my whole life,
all I was given,
was intense injection shots
of real life pain, abuse ,
and rejection again again again again!

So when others ask me
"well it seems that you don't have much experience
with joy,
You are right as of now I don't,
but I am really conciously ,copiously
working through my blinding edging pain
to get to the light
to get to experience true love and true joy,
to get to share that with others, truly
with boundaries and without getting taken
advantage of anymore!"

They call us women btches
when we stand up for ourselves
or maybe you are too sad scared and afraid
to stand up for yourself
and to start doing what's right
and to start owning your own
f*cking ******* !

My whole life
I hid myself
hid who I truly was ,
because everyone around me
taught me to hate who I was
how I looked
and how wild I was!

But now after cutting them off
I have decided and realized
That who I am I Ain't just love and light.
Its pain, deep rebellion ,real power
and a real longing to forge my own path ,
a society's rebel in a sense,
As well as having a very kind loving and open heart .
Don't let others distract you from you,
it is worth it to finally be you !

Feel like no matter what
the feeling of intense gnawing pain
gets to me
hits me
it hurts to live a lot
but I am trying everyday
to do the things that I can do
and to work on getting better
gaining more clarity
and making my impact in the world
however small it helps to ease some of the pain
I can't wait for the day
that I will be surrounded by loving friends
who get me understand me and love me for me.
But for now I will love me and love the nature and the plants
that are around me:)

Its like the world became silent
quiet
things raising
shifting
changing
dont' know what  to watch anymore
feel effected by it all

Numb
from the sun
hitting on my face
as I wax and wane
in the sun
on my ***
playing music
dancing to the songs
so absorbed in my glow
its like I've forgotten
all my trauma and pain
working on letting it all go
so I can glow
in my life once more
and be happier
once and for all!

Today is family day here
and although
I know that
I am
better off
without them.
The pain still aches inside
so much so
I feel despair
and deep sadness.
It looms over my head everyday
the only escape I get
is in my dreams
or in my art maybe...
I don't know it feels so lonely
to be different
and so painful
that this is what I chose
for this life
I know that there are good things too
but sometimes the pain gets too much ,
so I write instead.
Hoping to ease some of it
and to make art and some meaning from it too..
for what else can one do
when one feels despair and sadness.

trippin'
dippin'
reality is wrippin
don't know where im going
but im allowing
free
through pain comes light
and through the shadows births light

I saw his face
As I encountered  one of my enemies,
and I told  him with pride and with so much anger inside me
"I know what you did to me
last night on the porch
and I will tell everyone ,
until you get punished.
You will know how to properly treat a woman."

As the boss of the hostel
spat words in my face,
as he blamed it on me.
I knew again
what it was,
my body,mind and soul remembered
that it was just like
when I went to the police stations
for the other men who had hurt me and violated me
and how noone cared , how they told me
that I was messed up, how they treated me like I was
a ***** little ****.  
How I was blamed for it again and again and again
how the inner child ,the inner girl inside me
was drowning in so much pain ,
bleeding from the pain and humuliation
that burned so much,
when the abuse burned me so much ,
that I had no where to stay and no one to talk to about it,
and I thought I would die  inside and outside.
All I wanted  my whole life was to be safe.
So again I ran...
I ran away from,
the toxic  religion that I had left 3 years ago ,
that politely taught me
and not so politely lied to me
that if you were modest you were safe,
or that the way you were treated was based entirely on you .
Than I ran away from my country ,
ran away to a new country
ran to different people
who pertended to be my friends
while really they were just lighting me more on fire
with their pain and mistreatment.
I ran all the time from myself
because it was something,that I was good at,
cause I didn't want to face
the little baby inside,
who had been betrayed
by her own tribe.

:

I would love to dream of a world
where my daughter never knows what
****** assault harrassment or **** is
where she has loving parents
where she is loved and celebrated for the light that she is
where she is allowed to eat as much as she wants
where all of her quirks are seen as "normal"
this should be the basics
and this is what I wish I would've had.
Now I will give this to myself
and be my own mommy.
I will break my family's horrible patterns of abuse
and I will take my future back.

A soul what is it
a breath of fresh air
a blowing of a candle
a fire burning in the breeze
or the auras that color your gaze
in the moonlight flickering at the passersby
the stars telling their secrets to the soul that knows all
or is is the fire , the bren the passion
of life that seeps through us all
and makes us feel wanted , beautiful and loved...

Breathe in
Breathe out
Slowly
But my pace is fast
Feel the world closing in on me;

My voice feels frozen inside of me
As if i can't speak up
As if noone cares about how I feel.

I feel frozen inside
Recalling past memories of abuse
And how much it hurts inside
Of how most of the men
Hurt me violated me
Shamed me abused me
And treated me so so badly
How the women treated me like SH*T
And how hurt I am and feel
Like a broken doll
Used like a fuze
Wound so tight
It feels broken
Without use
That's how I feel
And how I have felt for so long!

Feels scary
To work on choosing differently for my life
To work on cutting out those and what no longer
Serves me
Or my highest good

FEELS
scary but exciting
for this is how to truly be alive!

Grew up most of my life so dissacioated
as If I was almost  already dead in real life.

I just blocked out  my heart
my mind out of everything,
because the pain of all that was done to me
was  so harsh the body and mind just couldn't  process it:

Now for 3 years all I can do is remember,
and what can I say,
I see why I hid it from myself
for 23 years.

Hell on earth
to be tortured by humans so much
Its like I wonder
DO GOOD KIND HUMANS
exist ?!

Who will treat me with kindness
who won't judge me
or try to use me for their own selfish gains?

So far I have only met very few people like this
and I  just really try to be this way too.
I just don't understand how the pain
hurts so much
its like the more healing I do
the more I see.

The way things truly are,
not how I want them to be
and how ****** cruel
life has been to me.

Yet I know I am here for a greater purpose
and that is why I am still alive,
after wanting to die for such a long time,
I feel that I understand heaven and angels more than
I understand the cruelty and pain of humans
and this 3d reality.

That's why I sit with art and nature
and cats and animals
it feels like they don't judge me
or laugh at me
or expect me to look a certein way
or sound a certin way
or the way my voice quivers when I am feeling anxious
trying to speak hebrew
but feeling so ashamed inside
I just feel like a stranger
everywhere.
I just feel so done inside
for so long
I have tried so hard
if I looked a certein way
had certein  intrests
than I would make friends
but I didn't
they never cared.

So now I am really trying to just be me
fully love myself,
and trust that the right people
will come when they are meant to.

I see myself in songs
in the beats in the music
its how I feel alive
in the beats
I hear my heartbeats;

Its where I resonate with the world.
Its like sometimes,
I am afraid to truly see myself
because others see me
as weird and so strange,
or so I've been told that anyways.

I've been bullied
so much , since birth
to fawn to accomodate others
to help others see themselves,
without ever  once,stopping to truly see myself

I see myself as a big mess
like a  big masterpiece,
like I don't understand most humans,
they speak the language of small talk
of matrix thinking.
I've been awake for as long as I can possibly remember
I only feel okay and alive when I am sharing my art
my truths , when I am sitting in nature.
Being and Breathing
Living my truth
with others ,
who speak the same language as me
Still hoping and waiting to see that and meet that
in real life.
I will create the music of the art and of my life

I feel exhausted
tired from life
from trauma
from pain
I would love to just be in peace
from the horrors
have someone listen to me
care about me
check on me
and want to know that I am alright.

Feel so lost in pain and quite sad

I see my old self puking
the bad energy and air out of me
letting go of demonic energy
cleansing myself centering myself
for all we have ever wanted
is right here now
ready to be claimed
in the present moment.
When we truly let go
we can give in
and truly make way
for our new life to take place .